My relationship with a bipolar girl this summer

[blueline]

So, around the end of April, I met this crazy 19 y/o girl at a party named Aubrey. I was drunk and high on both opium and weed when I met her. So, the first cute girl I see at this thing turns out to be her and I immediately approach her with something like "who's this girl? who's this girl?" in front of my friends while looking at her. From there, it was on. There were a couple warning signs at this party as she had her top off to get her tits painted, but whatever, I thought she looked like Natalie Portman and seemed really fun. All I was looking to do was get laid.

 

Anyways, long story short, we meet up again, and right off the bat, she tells me she's clinically bipolar and has been admitted to a mental hospital. This should've been a red flag, but I ignored it, because I figured all we'd be doing is something casual. I mean, right from the beginning when I hang out with her sober this girl starts insulting me with a backhanded compliment like "you are such a beautiful vain man." On our first official date, I notice some bizarre things about her right off the bat. My end of the conversation can consist completely of "uh huh, yeah, okay, cool, oh really" and throwing in a few leading questions, and she just goes on and on blabbering about nothing while I just stare her down and grope her in the middle of the coffee shop. This girl has no problem getting womanized. It also becomes apparent she has very little in terms of social skills and is conversationally a very awkward creature. There's no connection here besides a ton of sexual tension. When I start making out with her, she gives me some BS about her being a "defensive kisser" (should've ended the date right then and there).

 

The next day, she texts me "i made a pro/con list of having sex with you and i think you should come over" (who the hell makes pro/con lists of having sex with people?). Well, I bang her a bunch of times and all is well and good for the next two weeks. On the ride over to a conference, there's another girl in the car with us and it's obvious I'm getting along with this girl better than I am with Aubrey (Aubrey's mom and I suspect she's also got some Asperger's, which makes it REALLY hard to converse with her), and she starts bawling as soon as I drop off the other girl. So begins the crazyness.

 

I start growing really close to this Aubrey for no god damn reason besides the fact that she's mostly really sweet and affectionate with me and seems to appreciate my nerdier side. I'm really bored since school is out for the summer and I'm just doing a ****ty job and preparing for grad school in the summer. Besides, she's freaking gorgeous. I let my guard down and start hanging out with her all the time, and eventually tell her we should get in something exclusive. The very day we do this, we get into our first major fight. At a party, Aubrey's really high and she starts massaging the scalp of a soon to be close friend of mine for like 10 minutes and totally ignores me. I get pissed off with this and instead of being the defensive boyfriend, I go up to the hottest girl at the party and hit on her in front of Aubrey. Aubrey gets completely flustered and claims she wasn't hitting on John when we go outside to talk about it (durrr, yes you were) and I at least admit I was doing it simply to make Aubrey jealous. Anyways, we fight about it a little while and she asks me why I even made her my girlfriend if I'm going to treat her like this, and she's bawling. We end up making up and it's all fine.

 

For the next two months, Aubrey comes over my place to shag like usual, but now it seems that she's starting to begin using me as a therapist to cope with her family problems and emotional stability issues. Almost every single time she comes over, all she does is complain about her situation and cry in my bed. Sometimes, instead of having sex with me or doing anything fun, she just comes over to b*tch about her sister/mother and cry. My two roommates are starting to wonder what I see in this girl and get visibly perturbed by presence. At this point, the sex is getting ehhhh and I'm starting to notice this girl doesn't let me do any foreplay which is exactly why it's weird and almost forced feeling. I feel like I can't make this girl horny.

 

During June and July is when Aubrey starts being a total b*tch to me around my friends. Each time we hang out in the company of others, she makes some point to insult me by calling me gay, telling me I have no game, telling me she thought I was a gigantic creep on the night we met, and generally just being a non-compliant or fun girlfriend. I try to take her on trips and she cries about some nonsense almost always. It's like she's already going into cranky wife mode.

 

By July, she straight up tells me she's a very needy person, that I'm a much better person than her, and that she sometimes uses me for my companionship (this girl has NO friends). She feels as if she's going into a wave of massive depression and could really hurt me in the next few months. (HMMMM...like how when the semester starts and you're starting to get attention from a ton of guys again and don't need me anymore?) Somewhere along the way she also complains that I'm all image. I scream at her, call her a c*nt in front of a bunch of friends, and I dump her for a few hours at my friend's house. She starts bawling out of control. I should've just let her cry and walked away, but I didn't. She was absolutely trying to get me to dump her. We make up and the sex is completely insane. I feel closer to her than ever and start telling her I love her just to keep her around (say it enough times, though, and you're going to fool even yourself).

 

I feel miserable with this girl and miserable without her at this point. I have NOTHING in common with her yet I sleep by her side almost every night this summer. I meet most of her family and stay at their house for a long weekend. They love me because I'm the first relaxed, easy going guy to date her that has his life together (I'm getting a PhD in speech language pathology). I hate her, though. The only thing I get out of her is physical affection, an emotional rush, this feeling of being needed, and sometimes good sex. For some reason, I am majorly attached to her. She tells me she's completely in love with me and definitely acts like it when it's just us two (however, as soon as anybody else comes into the picture, she turns into a control freak bitchy girlfriend). She tells me stuff like we need to get an apartment together.

 

At some point around the end of July, she makes out with some lesbian and calls me at 3am leaving a bawling message on the phone. She skips work that day to tell me about this. I don't know how to react at first, so it really seems like I'm going to dump her. I think about it for a while by myself and don't end up dumping her, and I just tell her that I'm upset I wasn't there to join. Again, Aubrey was trying to get me to dump her. She does stuff she'd never let me do with her when we have sex that night.

 

All we do up to this point is fight, and I tell her she's my summer girlfriend (she bawls after this) and she's constantly talking about things "when we break up" as if it's looming over our heads (she threw out one of my old smaller sized condoms just so "I don't break it on the next girl I ****"...how nice of her ). Still, the l-bomb is being dropped CONSTANTLY by her and she's being so passionate with me. During August, I get an interview for basically my dream company in a city far away and Aubrey freaks out. She tells me she couldn't bear to lose me and that I should continue doing grad school to be with her. I disagree and tell her I'm at least going to go to the interview. My roommates tell me it's either me or her as they're totally sick of having her coming come over to bitch and cry, and all the screaming she does during sex. They tell me she's using me as a therapist and they're sick of it. I agree to never let her back in the house (they threaten to call the police if she comes back). Things start getting insane at this point.

 

Once again, I make up my mind to break up with her and when I look like I'm about to do it, she threatens to kill herself. We make up and the sex is great.

 

So, for the month of August, I sleep at this girl's parents' house (I'm freaking 24 years old, what the HELL was I doing). Aubrey will end up holding me tightly in her sleep throughout the entire night and sometimes I wake up to her crying. She starts joking around about getting married and what our kids would be like. I know this is just bull**** drama now, but I play along. My emotions are getting the best of me. She seriously considers moving to the city with me if I get the job. The insults are coming in at full speed now, too. She calls me retarded/gay/claims I have no integrity in front of her mom and tells me I need to get circumcised (what the hell?). Those are the couple I can remember off the top of my head.

 

It turns out I don't get the job just a few days before she moves back into her dorm. She's ecstatic. The following Wednesday, I break up with her for real via txt and facebook after she gives me the ****tiest, dispassionate peck on the lips goodbye. Right before I'm about to block her number (remember, I freaking miserable with this girl and she's destroyed my self esteem), she calls sobbing. I go over there to do it in person. I tell her she's basically a pathological b*tch, has no respect for me, she's socially retarded, sex with her is freaking weird (no foreplay, wtf?), and I hate fighting with her constantly. She can't take any of this in stride and just let me breakup with her without a flood of tears, so I feel really bad and still stay with her.

 

The next day we have sex for like 40 minutes. She's telling me to hurry up as usual. I completely drench her in sweat and as she rolls off, she says something like "that was like being in Turkish Prison." I didn't catch the reference, but it's quite clever and insanely insulting.

 

The next few days are weird. I can't make out with her in front of her roommate (wtf, this is your boyfriend, you don't look like a slut while doing it). I'm addicted to this girl like crack or something. My limbic system (emotional system of the brain) absolutely adores her, but my frontal lobes (logic/reasoning) want me to get out. I'm insanely in love with her, actually. I tell her she's "it" for me (as in I feel like she's the one) and she kisses me very passionately in the middle of the street at 3am. When I leave in the morning after we eat breakfast, she texts me "I already miss you."

 

The first day of the semester, we go out for ice cream at our usual place and it's awkward. I'm pissed to be hanging out with her 'cause we're not having sex and she's just wasting my time bitching or talking about her amazing forays into undergraduate English education as if it's so interesting to me. She talks about this wonderful crew of foreign exchange students she picked up randomly and talks about how they're all in such good shape (thanks!!). On the departing kiss, she gives me another, ****ty dispassionate "f*ck you" kind of peck on the lips. I wish I cracked my knuckles on her face at that point. Oh well, some other guy is definitely going to physically abuse her someday, I'm too nice and respectful.

 

The next day, she breaks up with me because she feels no connection with me anymore (there never really was one besides the emotional takeoff and crash cycling we had going on) and has no libido around me (i.e. she was never physically attracted to me). I'm kind of distraught because I know this is now for real and start crying in front of her. I realize she used me as a therapist the entire time and I'm now just beating myself up over getting used like this. I thought she actually loved me, why would she act so ridiculous?

 

I haven't talked to her since then and it's been 3 weeks. The day after she dumped me, I got a call 8am of her smashing/breaking a bunch of things and she doesn't even say hello. I miss her so god damn much sometimes (I can't bring myself to cry about her; once I forced it and started cracking up after two minutes of crying because of how hard I had to try). I miss her presence and the intense adoration she used to give me. I miss the emotional rush of the fight/make-up cycling we had. I miss having her hold me at night.

 

I got drunk once and dialed her number at 1am; she never picked up. Ashamed, the next day I sent her an email thanking her for breaking up with me telling her that I'm doing alright and that I don't want to be on completely terrible terms with her. She never answered and it's been a week. When I saw her walking on campus last week, I tried to cross the street, but there were too many cars coming, so I ended up turning around and passing her. She laughed as I walked by, but didn't say anything. The other day my best friend chatted her up and she told him something like "I don't know if you know this, but Jim and I aren't dating anymore" obviously coming on to him (of course he knows, ffs that's my best friend). They're almost exactly the same people, so I might end up losing two people through this (I love hanging out with that guy, oddly enough).

 

I'm just distraught, I can't believe I got played so hard by a girl 5 years younger than me. I can't think of anything besides how hard I got screwed around with this summer and how much of a pathetic jackass I am for falling for this. It's starting to affect my work and if she starts hooking up with my best friend, I'm gonna be crushed because she's most definitely gonna try to drive a wedge between us.

[worlybear]

Something you need to realise is that people who suffer from bi-polar dis-order have no true control over their feelings which is why many of them are prescribed drugs and therapy to help them cope. However if they feel better through taking medication they then convince themselves they don't need medication and then the whole spiral starts again.

Having read your thread it seems to me that you are struggling to understand this girl and her apparently weird behaviour.

Bi-Polar sufferers are often very out-going, charming, intelligent,funny people (this is typical behaviour on a manic high) BUT....

once they hit a "low" the same person can practically undergo a personality change and it leaves everyone in a close radius reeling and wondering what is going on.

You need to decide if you want to handle this relationship (she will needs loads of support) and if you can cope with the pressure it will inevitably put on you, yourself.

[blueline]

Something you need to realise is that people who suffer from bi-polar dis-order have no true control over their feelings which is why many of them are prescribed drugs and therapy to help them cope. However if they feel better through taking medication they then convince themselves they don't need medication and then the whole spiral starts again.

Having read your thread it seems to me that you are struggling to understand this girl and her apparently weird behaviour.

Bi-Polar sufferers are often very out-going, charming, intelligent,funny people (this is typical behaviour on a manic high) BUT....

once they hit a "low" the same person can practically undergo a personality change and it leaves everyone in a close radius reeling and wondering what is going on.

You need to decide if you want to handle this relationship (she will needs loads of support) and if you can cope with the pressure it will inevitably put on you, yourself.

 

 

I don't think her "bitchy" behavior can be explained through bipolar. I mean, she goes from being a sweet, affectionate girl to being a raging bitch as soon as you throw an observer into our interactions. That's just massive insecurity. What can be explained through bipolar is the fact that she kept me around the entire summer when we had absolutely nothing in common. The reason she did this is because I have a very laid back, almost therapeutic personality. Instead of paying for me by the hour like you do with a typical therapist, she paid for me with sex.

 

Besides, she dumped me and we haven't talked for almost 4 weeks now. She's not sexually attracted to me and probably never has been. I tried emailing her and she didn't respond. I've blocked her number and facebook. At the moment, she's trying to get with my best friend who is definitely going to do it. He'll actually use her and not enter into an exclusive relationship with her ever because he's a massive player who's had sex with over 50 women. I think this is what she more or less deserves. When I was treating her that way during the first month, she acted in a lot more tolerable manner.

 

I was totally miserable with her and not being with her anymore is exactly what I want. My emotions will whine and complain about not being with her, but logically, I know it's a bad idea for me to be with her and I've known it since the second month of being with her. Remembering all of the mediocre feelings I had while hanging out with her and documenting all four times I tried to break up with her makes me realize how much I hated this girl. There were so many times I wanted to just knock her down when she was making all those nasty comments in my direction. She's nothing but a vortex of negativity and neediness. It's going to take a little while for my self-esteem to recover from the verbal abuse I got handed over the summer.

 

If she actually thinks I'm going to come back to her as a bf-therapist, she's out of her f*cking mind. I made it very clear that we will never be friends when we were breaking up and that I thought the relationship was abusive. Perhaps it was a retaliatory break-up on her part, but honestly, I think she would know better than to tell me she's not sexually interested in me if it was only retaliatory. If it was retaliatory, I have a really bad feeling she's going to try to come crawling back to me as soon as she sees me with another girl. I will not hesitate for a single moment to call the police/campus security if she shows up at my place/office sobbing.

 

 

I have a colossal amount of patience, love, and understanding to give the right girl, and unlike most 'nice guys', I'm pretty good looking. She doesn't deserve a god damn ounce of what I have to offer. Still with that said, I'm not going to lie, I think about her all day and wish she weren't such a manipulative person as she brought short moments of tremendous joy into my life. Regardless, that doesn't really matter if you're miserable with her 70% of the time. In retrospect, I highly regret not dumping her the first out of the four times I tried. When someone tells you you're all image, they have no respect for you. That has nothing to do with bipolar.

Edited September 20, 2010 by blueline

[OndaChin]

I STRONGLY SUGGEST YOU READ UP ON:

 

BPD "BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER"

 

What youre describing isn't Bipolar... Its BPD. Very serious (and SCARY) stuff!!

Edited September 20, 2010 by OndaChin

[blueline]

Yeah, I always suspected she had BPD (which really behaves like a subset of bipolar) while I was in the relationship, but my interpretations of her behavior weren't nearly as clear as they are now.

 

Next girl that I sense has BPD is going to be ruthlessly cut off. Frankly, through her, I feel as if I've seen the worst of what the fairer sex has to offer. A girl that will literally prostitute herself out for a therapist/shoulder to cry on. Most girls just keep friends around for that and don't actually feel like they need to have sex with them in order to keep them.

 

This has helped me get over her SO MUCH more and understand her behavior much better as I now realize I was dealing with what amounts to an interpersonal relationship disorder. Her rationale for her behaviors is going to be COMPLETELY different from what a normally developed person's would be. Knowing that she never actually loved me at any point in time because she's more or less not capable of understanding that feeling makes me feel a lot better. I feel like I'm now on the path to becoming a much stronger person.

[ShannonMI]

Wow this girl has some SERIOUS issues. Borderline Personality Disorder is what one poster suggested and I have to say, I agree. Wow! Be thankful you have broken up with this girl. I'm surprised you don't have whiplash from the back and forth craziness of this short lived relationship. My goodness! I know you are heartbroken because you fell hard for her, but you should be happy you got out of the relationship when you did. It sounds like you started to become a bit co-dependant. That's not a good thing! The poor girl has some serious emotional issues. She needs help.

[blueline]

Before her, I used to be so much more confident and playful with women. The day I met her, my overall confidence was absolutely soaring and I was becoming an extremely outgoing person. I really stepped out of my shell. I had collected so many numbers from girls that weekend and picked up an actual model the day after I met Aubrey (Aubrey ignored my text the following day, no biggie...I had no real investment in her, she was just some random girl from UConn). Something about Aubrey just captivated me the second time I met her. She managed to tap into all of my insecurities growing up as a kid. I always thought I was an ugly kid that girls massively despised and that I had no social skills. She would always describe me as "f*ckable cute" to her friends, which is like wtffff, you do not get into exclusive relationships with someone you think is only "f*ckable." What a vulgar description, too. I never even realized how insulting this was until just now.

 

So, now I'm going into full retard mode trying to pick up women from literally anywhere in an effort to soothe these burns, drinking way more than I usually do, and acquiring a smoking habit. I was already insecure about my abilities with women before and this girl just amplified these insecurities to the extreme. I feel like if I took the regular route with her and just detached my emotions from the sex, I would have a great FWB right now. She thrives off of being treated like garbage.

 

Honestly, even though I've slept with a bunch of girls, Aubrey was the second real girlfriend I've ever had. I gave in, and took the nice guy route thinking I had something special. Yeah right. Now I'm going to be more hesitant with love than ever. I had a really great girl I could've dated this summer instead of her and passed her up because Aubrey lived closer. Idiot.

 

I've got some major whiplash. I can hardly study for anything without ruminating about her and what she's doing. It's gotten better in the last couple weeks, but not enough to be fully functional imo. How am I going to have a normal relationship now after those patterns have been set? I shouldn't have to hit on girls in front of my girlfriend in order to maintain her interest, which became a massive habit in this relationship. Should I even bother with relationships for a while? I feel so ****ty that I want to start working out obsessively like I used to so my next girlfriend doesn't call me a "skinny pussy."

 

I have a freaking master's thesis to be working on. I'm too old to care about this nonsense.

Edited September 21, 2010 by blueline

[Ajax]

Poll: How many of us have fallen in love with someone who's certifiable crazy? And is there something about crazy people that make us fall for them?

 

My two cents: I've dated two women who probably have a psycological disorder. I'm not a doctor, but at some point you can tell. Both of these relationships were intense, and I was absolutely head over heals.

 

Sometimes I think crazy people are more passionate than healthy people, and thus "hook" us fast.

 

EDIT: Ignore this, I'm starting it as a new thread.

Edited September 21, 2010 by Ajax

[blueline]

Next attractive crazy girl I meet is getting exactly what she wants: to be treated like an object, to be in a non-exclusive relationship, and maybe get thrown a couple scraps of love every now and then.

[lilbunny]

So, around the end of April, I met this crazy 19 y/o girl at a party named Aubrey. I was drunk and high on both opium and weed when I met her. So, the first cute girl I see at this thing turns out to be her and I immediately approach her with something like "who's this girl? who's this girl?" in front of my friends while looking at her. From there, it was on. There were a couple warning signs at this party as she had her top off to get her tits painted, but whatever, I thought she looked like Natalie Portman and seemed really fun. All I was looking to do was get laid.

 

And nobody picked up on this???

 

Anyways, long story short, we meet up again, and right off the bat, she tells me she's clinically bipolar and has been admitted to a mental hospital. This should've been a red flag, but I ignored it, because I figured all we'd be doing is something casual. I mean, right from the beginning when I hang out with her sober this girl starts insulting me with a backhanded compliment like "you are such a beautiful vain man." On our first official date, I notice some bizarre things about her right off the bat. My end of the conversation can consist completely of "uh huh, yeah, okay, cool, oh really" and throwing in a few leading questions, and she just goes on and on blabbering about nothing while I just stare her down and grope her in the middle of the coffee shop. This girl has no problem getting womanized. It also becomes apparent she has very little in terms of social skills and is conversationally a very awkward creature. There's no connection here besides a ton of sexual tension. When I start making out with her, she gives me some BS about her being a "defensive kisser" (should've ended the date right then and there).

 

You stare at someone and grope them in a public place then question their social skills???

 

The next day, she texts me "i made a pro/con list of having sex with you and i think you should come over" (who the hell makes pro/con lists of having sex with people?). Well, I bang her a bunch of times and all is well and good for the next two weeks. On the ride over to a conference, there's another girl in the car with us and it's obvious I'm getting along with this girl better than I am with Aubrey (Aubrey's mom and I suspect she's also got some Asperger's, which makes it REALLY hard to converse with her), and she starts bawling as soon as I drop off the other girl. So begins the crazyness.

 

So you sat and flirted with another girl in front of her and she gets upset, I am surprised. You also had decided she was nuts and had no social skills, but proceed to 'bang her a bunch of times'?

 

I start growing really close to this Aubrey for no god damn reason besides the fact that she's mostly really sweet and affectionate with me and seems to appreciate my nerdier side. I'm really bored since school is out for the summer and I'm just doing a ****ty job and preparing for grad school in the summer. Besides, she's freaking gorgeous. I let my guard down and start hanging out with her all the time, and eventually tell her we should get in something exclusive. The very day we do this, we get into our first major fight. At a party, Aubrey's really high and she starts massaging the scalp of a soon to be close friend of mine for like 10 minutes and totally ignores me. I get pissed off with this and instead of being the defensive boyfriend, I go up to the hottest girl at the party and hit on her in front of Aubrey. Aubrey gets completely flustered and claims she wasn't hitting on John when we go outside to talk about it (durrr, yes you were) and I at least admit I was doing it simply to make Aubrey jealous. Anyways, we fight about it a little while and she asks me why I even made her my girlfriend if I'm going to treat her like this, and she's bawling. We end up making up and it's all fine.

 

Drug use, recurring theme.

 

For the next two months, Aubrey comes over my place to shag like usual, but now it seems that she's starting to begin using me as a therapist to cope with her family problems and emotional stability issues. Almost every single time she comes over, all she does is complain about her situation and cry in my bed. Sometimes, instead of having sex with me or doing anything fun, she just comes over to b*tch about her sister/mother and cry. My two roommates are starting to wonder what I see in this girl and get visibly perturbed by presence. At this point, the sex is getting ehhhh and I'm starting to notice this girl doesn't let me do any foreplay which is exactly why it's weird and almost forced feeling. I feel like I can't make this girl horny.

 

So your girlfriend is having a tough time and you are annoyed that she isn't in the mood for sex, no she should most certainly put her needs aside and cater to your whims.

 

During June and July is when Aubrey starts being a total b*tch to me around my friends. Each time we hang out in the company of others, she makes some point to insult me by calling me gay, telling me I have no game, telling me she thought I was a gigantic creep on the night we met, and generally just being a non-compliant or fun girlfriend. I try to take her on trips and she cries about some nonsense almost always. It's like she's already going into cranky wife mode.

 

Non-compliant- seriously who says this!

 

By July, she straight up tells me she's a very needy person, that I'm a much better person than her, and that she sometimes uses me for my companionship (this girl has NO friends). She feels as if she's going into a wave of massive depression and could really hurt me in the next few months. (HMMMM...like how when the semester starts and you're starting to get attention from a ton of guys again and don't need me anymore?) Somewhere along the way she also complains that I'm all image. I scream at her, call her a c*nt in front of a bunch of friends, and I dump her for a few hours at my friend's house. She starts bawling out of control. I should've just let her cry and walked away, but I didn't. She was absolutely trying to get me to dump her. We make up and the sex is completely insane. I feel closer to her than ever and start telling her I love her just to keep her around (say it enough times, though, and you're going to fool even yourself).

 

So you are genuinely surprised speaking to her like that made her cry? Then, you pretend to love her so you can have sex with her.

 

I feel miserable with this girl and miserable without her at this point. I have NOTHING in common with her yet I sleep by her side almost every night this summer. I meet most of her family and stay at their house for a long weekend. They love me because I'm the first relaxed, easy going guy to date her that has his life together (I'm getting a PhD in speech language pathology). I hate her, though. The only thing I get out of her is physical affection, an emotional rush, this feeling of being needed, and sometimes good sex. For some reason, I am majorly attached to her. She tells me she's completely in love with me and definitely acts like it when it's just us two (however, as soon as anybody else comes into the picture, she turns into a control freak bitchy girlfriend). She tells me stuff like we need to get an apartment together.

 

And you can't see any contradiction between your words and actions?

 

At some point around the end of July, she makes out with some lesbian and calls me at 3am leaving a bawling message on the phone. She skips work that day to tell me about this. I don't know how to react at first, so it really seems like I'm going to dump her. I think about it for a while by myself and don't end up dumping her, and I just tell her that I'm upset I wasn't there to join. Again, Aubrey was trying to get me to dump her. She does stuff she'd never let me do with her when we have sex that night.

 

All we do up to this point is fight, and I tell her she's my summer girlfriend (she bawls after this) and she's constantly talking about things "when we break up" as if it's looming over our heads (she threw out one of my old smaller sized condoms just so "I don't break it on the next girl I ****"...how nice of her ). Still, the l-bomb is being dropped CONSTANTLY by her and she's being so passionate with me. During August, I get an interview for basically my dream company in a city far away and Aubrey freaks out. She tells me she couldn't bear to lose me and that I should continue doing grad school to be with her. I disagree and tell her I'm at least going to go to the interview. My roommates tell me it's either me or her as they're totally sick of having her coming come over to bitch and cry, and all the screaming she does during sex. They tell me she's using me as a therapist and they're sick of it. I agree to never let her back in the house (they threaten to call the police if she comes back). Things start getting insane at this point.

 

You tell her she is your short term girlfriend and then are again surprised when she talks about when you break up?

 

Once again, I make up my mind to break up with her and when I look like I'm about to do it, she threatens to kill herself. We make up and the sex is great.

 

So, for the month of August, I sleep at this girl's parents' house (I'm freaking 24 years old, what the HELL was I doing). Aubrey will end up holding me tightly in her sleep throughout the entire night and sometimes I wake up to her crying. She starts joking around about getting married and what our kids would be like. I know this is just bull**** drama now, but I play along. My emotions are getting the best of me. She seriously considers moving to the city with me if I get the job. The insults are coming in at full speed now, too. She calls me retarded/gay/claims I have no integrity in front of her mom and tells me I need to get circumcised (what the hell?). Those are the couple I can remember off the top of my head.

 

Why?

 

It turns out I don't get the job just a few days before she moves back into her dorm. She's ecstatic. The following Wednesday, I break up with her for real via txt and facebook after she gives me the ****tiest, dispassionate peck on the lips goodbye. Right before I'm about to block her number (remember, I freaking miserable with this girl and she's destroyed my self esteem), she calls sobbing. I go over there to do it in person. I tell her she's basically a pathological b*tch, has no respect for me, she's socially retarded, sex with her is freaking weird (no foreplay, wtf?), and I hate fighting with her constantly. She can't take any of this in stride and just let me breakup with her without a flood of tears, so I feel really bad and still stay with her.

 

Text and facebook, very mature.

I thought the sex was amazing and what you stuck around for a minute ago.

 

The next day we have sex for like 40 minutes. She's telling me to hurry up as usual. I completely drench her in sweat and as she rolls off, she says something like "that was like being in Turkish Prison." I didn't catch the reference, but it's quite clever and insanely insulting.

 

The next few days are weird. I can't make out with her in front of her roommate (wtf, this is your boyfriend, you don't look like a slut while doing it). I'm addicted to this girl like crack or something. My limbic system (emotional system of the brain) absolutely adores her, but my frontal lobes (logic/reasoning) want me to get out. I'm insanely in love with her, actually. I tell her she's "it" for me (as in I feel like she's the one) and she kisses me very passionately in the middle of the street at 3am. When I leave in the morning after we eat breakfast, she texts me "I already miss you."

 

No I wouldn't want to sit and make out in front of a friend either, it is a bit rude for starters.

Insanely in love now, I thought you hated her?

 

The first day of the semester, we go out for ice cream at our usual place and it's awkward. I'm pissed to be hanging out with her 'cause we're not having sex and she's just wasting my time bitching or talking about her amazing forays into undergraduate English education as if it's so interesting to me. She talks about this wonderful crew of foreign exchange students she picked up randomly and talks about how they're all in such good shape (thanks!!). On the departing kiss, she gives me another, ****ty dispassionate "f*ck you" kind of peck on the lips. I wish I cracked my knuckles on her face at that point. Oh well, some other guy is definitely going to physically abuse her someday, I'm too nice and respectful.

 

So you have no interest in anything she talks about, but you love her? You take no interest in what she says the expect a passionate response?

You have the desire to hit her because she hasn't kissed you as you would like, but think you are respectful and nice?

 

The next day, she breaks up with me because she feels no connection with me anymore (there never really was one besides the emotional takeoff and crash cycling we had going on) and has no libido around me (i.e. she was never physically attracted to me). I'm kind of distraught because I know this is now for real and start crying in front of her. I realize she used me as a therapist the entire time and I'm now just beating myself up over getting used like this. I thought she actually loved me, why would she act so ridiculous?

 

You are allowed to start crying when she dumps you, she is crazy if she does the same?

 

I haven't talked to her since then and it's been 3 weeks. The day after she dumped me, I got a call 8am of her smashing/breaking a bunch of things and she doesn't even say hello. I miss her so god damn much sometimes (I can't bring myself to cry about her; once I forced it and started cracking up after two minutes of crying because of how hard I had to try). I miss her presence and the intense adoration she used to give me. I miss the emotional rush of the fight/make-up cycling we had. I miss having her hold me at night.

 

I though she was dispassionate a minute ago?

 

I got drunk once and dialed her number at 1am; she never picked up. Ashamed, the next day I sent her an email thanking her for breaking up with me telling her that I'm doing alright and that I don't want to be on completely terrible terms with her. She never answered and it's been a week. When I saw her walking on campus last week, I tried to cross the street, but there were too many cars coming, so I ended up turning around and passing her. She laughed as I walked by, but didn't say anything. The other day my best friend chatted her up and she told him something like "I don't know if you know this, but Jim and I aren't dating anymore" obviously coming on to him (of course he knows, ffs that's my best friend). They're almost exactly the same people, so I might end up losing two people through this (I love hanging out with that guy, oddly enough).

 

Maybe she just felt awkward talking to one of your friends who might assume you are still together?

 

I'm just distraught, I can't believe I got played so hard by a girl 5 years younger than me. I can't think of anything besides how hard I got screwed around with this summer and how much of a pathetic jackass I am for falling for this. It's starting to affect my work and if she starts hooking up with my best friend, I'm gonna be crushed because she's most definitely gonna try to drive a wedge between us.

 

This girl might well have one or two issues, but on careful examination it isn't exactly one way traffic, before everyone leaps up with pop psychology and slaps the label of borderline personality disorder on this girl have a look at some of the behaviours highlighted above.

[alphamale]

don't make fun of bipolar. it is a very serious disease with a high mortality rate

[Iselia]

This girl might well have one or two issues, but on careful examination it isn't exactly one way traffic, before everyone leaps up with pop psychology and slaps the label of borderline personality disorder on this girl have a look at some of the behaviours highlighted above.

 

That is what I was thinking. It seems the OP is all about "my way or the highway." Seriously, could someone be so damn selfish? She is a human being too, damn!

[blueline]

This girl might well have one or two issues, but on careful examination it isn't exactly one way traffic, before everyone leaps up with pop psychology and slaps the label of borderline personality disorder on this girl have a look at some of the behaviours highlighted above.

 

I thought gropping her in public was ballin', ahaha. She loved it. I didn't do it in like a creepy way, I made a joke out of it and it apparently got her very horny.

 

I wouldn't have done any of those things had I actually felt like the love was reciprocated. She initiates the relationship by saying I'm "f*ckable cute", calls me vain (I'm not, I just dress well), tells me that she thinks I'm actually gay constantly, and says that I seem like the kind of guy that wouldn't get too upset when she breaks up with me (one of the reasons she listed for getting into a relationship with me).

 

She started literally every single conflict. I am an extremely easy going, nice guy. My female friends always describe me as a really sweet and goofy guy. My ex did the same. Relative to anybody she ever dated, she said I was the nicest and most understanding out of all of them. I don't like to quible with people or hurt them. It hurts me to hurt other people, and each time I insulted her, I'd quickly appologize and console her. I only do it when they cast the first stone. I forgive really easily.

 

The sex varied greatly. I was almost never really allowed to initiate and it was a discrete event of sorts. She'd almost never let me eat her out or manually stimulate her (she got off the couple times I actually did it, what an idiot), she very unenthusiastically gave oral sex a few times (towards the first month, she claimed this was reserved for guys she didn't "love so much"), and she'd refuse to jerk me off and would grasp the balls while looking extremely pissed off while I did all the work (ahahaha, so pathetic on my side).

 

She'd never allow me to do any foreplay (clothes off, get down to business), and she'd never kiss me with her tongue until it seemed like I was going to be leaving for good. She'd very often tell me I took too long and that my penis was hurting her (duh, if you allowed foreplay, maybe you'd get turned on enough to actually allow things to expand down there). When she was on by whatever mysterious factors (usually after a fight or during the first few weeks of the relationship where we only hung out to have sex), the penetrative sex was pretty great and everybody got off. Still, she seemed very pissed off that I had a penis and saw her in a sexual light. She'd tell me I should cut my foreskin (wtf, that's ridiculous).

 

The reason I got angry with her when she came over just to be a debbie downer is because we had talked about the SAME EXACT issues 3 billion times before and they all boiled down to bull**** sibling rivalry or her mother apparently mistreating her (it was more likely Aubrey tried to push Mom's buttons and Mom promptly told her to go blow her nose). How she felt entitled that her mom get her a new car. How I need to get my own apartment for myself with no roommates or cats (I love my two cats, they're not going anywhere). She'd just bitch and bitch, and never bring ANYTHING positive to the table. The crying would be about utter nonsense ranging from how everybody she knows apparently hates her (not true) and how she thinks she's not good enough for me (I told her she was many, many times).

 

We didn't even need to have sex when she came over. I just didn't need want to be her therapist. Of course I can put up with my girlfriend being upset sometimes. I love consoling people and making them happier, but there comes a time where I feel like I am being straight up used to do that. I wanted to go do fun things couples typically do like go out dancing, see a concert, get sushi, get high with friends, see a talk, go for a hike, go to the beach, watch a movie, etc. There were times when she'd straight up leave after finishing crying and cuddling with me for 30-45 minutes. Once she found out she could get to the crying and cuddling part without having sex with me, she started to use this constantly. She'd come over 7 days of the week and I'd get laid like 2 or 3 times max. The rest of the time, she'd just be bitching and moaning.

 

Perhaps I didn't fully love her because I absolutely knew in my gut she didn't given how she would always be chucking spears in my direction whenever we hung out with other people. She'd always say our love was a secret and we couldn't tell her family/my friends (especially my best friend, who she's trying to hook up with). I'd routinely tell my friends how much I liked this girl (emotionally, I loved her and couldn't drag myself away) and how she could be so much fun sometimes.

 

The reason I told her she was my summer girlfriend is because of the way she'd describe our relationship to my friends months into it being an exclusive relationship. She'd always say "Part of the reason I decided to date Jim is that I know Jim isn't the type of guy that's gonna be devastated when we decide to stop ****ing, and that when we do break up, he lives far enough away that I won't have to run into him often." What in the hell. This is not how you describe a loving, caring relationship, especially the kind where you're trying to hold the guy back from pursuing career goals because you like him so much. What kind of a ****ty reason is that to date someone? During that same time she was hanging out with my best friend and I, my friend asked her if she'd ever been in love and she stayed completely silent trying to ignore the question. He kept pushing it on her, and she uttered a reserved "yes" but didn't even acknowledge my presence. As soon as he left the room, she was like "You know I love you, jim. I just don't like being put on the spot like that." If I had been asked the same question, I would've said "yes" immediately and looked at my girl.

 

The way this relationship worked was analogous to a yo-yo. One minute, I was totally in love with her, the next minute she insults me and I tell her off. So, I'm sorry if there are contradictions. I guess you could replace "love" with oxytocin driven attachment, which is honestly a pretty strong feeling. I put up with being emotionally abused constantly due to how attached I was and how much I enjoyed her on and off affection.

 

My main flaw is lack of experience with relationships and zero self respect. I can't believe you guys are defending her. Sure, I did a few ****ty things, but each time was in retaliation. I'm not going to be someone's punching bag like that.

Edited September 21, 2010 by blueline

[ShannonMI]

Before her, I used to be so much more confident and playful with women. The day I met her, my overall confidence was absolutely soaring and I was becoming an extremely outgoing person. I really stepped out of my shell. I had collected so many numbers from girls that weekend and picked up an actual model the day after I met Aubrey (Aubrey ignored my text the following day, no biggie...I had no real investment in her, she was just some random girl from UConn). Something about Aubrey just captivated me the second time I met her. She managed to tap into all of my insecurities growing up as a kid. I always thought I was an ugly kid that girls massively despised and that I had no social skills. She would always describe me as "f*ckable cute" to her friends, which is like wtffff, you do not get into exclusive relationships with someone you think is only "f*ckable." What a vulgar description, too. I never even realized how insulting this was until just now.

 

So, now I'm going into full retard mode trying to pick up women from literally anywhere in an effort to soothe these burns, drinking way more than I usually do, and acquiring a smoking habit. I was already insecure about my abilities with women before and this girl just amplified these insecurities to the extreme. I feel like if I took the regular route with her and just detached my emotions from the sex, I would have a great FWB right now. She thrives off of being treated like garbage.

 

Honestly, even though I've slept with a bunch of girls, Aubrey was the second real girlfriend I've ever had. I gave in, and took the nice guy route thinking I had something special. Yeah right. Now I'm going to be more hesitant with love than ever. I had a really great girl I could've dated this summer instead of her and passed her up because Aubrey lived closer. Idiot.

 

I've got some major whiplash. I can hardly study for anything without ruminating about her and what she's doing. It's gotten better in the last couple weeks, but not enough to be fully functional imo. How am I going to have a normal relationship now after those patterns have been set? I shouldn't have to hit on girls in front of my girlfriend in order to maintain her interest, which became a massive habit in this relationship. Should I even bother with relationships for a while? I feel so ****ty that I want to start working out obsessively like I used to so my next girlfriend doesn't call me a "skinny pussy."

 

I have a freaking master's thesis to be working on. I'm too old to care about this nonsense.

 

First bolded area: Don't f*ck a bunch of women to get over this girl. Don't drink either. This behavior you are descriping is extremely destructive. You will be worse off then you are right now if you continue to do it. So stop doing it.

 

Second bolded area: Why would you have even wanted this girl in your life as a FWB? She's obviously a sick girl. She may like people treating her like garbage, but do you want to be one of those men that treat girls like objects? I would hope not, but I suppose some men just don't give a sh*t and maybe you are one of them.

 

Third bolded area: You need to take a break from relationships right now and focus on yourself. This girl has put you through the ringer and you need to get yourself straight before you even consider getting into another relationship. Concentrate on your thesis. And whatever you do, if you meet another girl like Aubrey, STEER CLEAR! Even if she seems irresistible to you. The only way to stop the "patterns" you have set in your relationships, is by not dating girls who are mentally ill like this girl is. I think you suffer from co-dependancy in many ways. Google it.

Edited September 21, 2010 by ShannonMI

[blueline]

Damn, she's already got a new dude. I mean, at least it's not my best friend and the new dude looks like a total dork. It's very difficult to not go into womanizer mode right now. Even though I've done it in times past, that sort of behavior contradicts the very core of my personality, though. I'm too sensitive. I really long for a meaningful relationship. I longed for one so much that I tried to add meaning to an interaction where there was no meaning between each of the parties involved besides physical attraction. In a year, I'll look back on this relationship and think "what a joke!" Right now, it just hurts.

Edited September 23, 2010 by blueline

[jblair]

Before her, I used to be so much more confident and playful with women. The day I met her, my overall confidence was absolutely soaring and I was becoming an extremely outgoing person. I really stepped out of my shell. I had collected so many numbers from girls that weekend and picked up an actual model the day after I met Aubrey (Aubrey ignored my text the following day, no biggie...I had no real investment in her, she was just some random girl from UConn). Something about Aubrey just captivated me the second time I met her. She managed to tap into all of my insecurities growing up as a kid. I always thought I was an ugly kid that girls massively despised and that I had no social skills. She would always describe me as "f*ckable cute" to her friends, which is like wtffff, you do not get into exclusive relationships with someone you think is only "f*ckable." What a vulgar description, too. I never even realized how insulting this was until just now.

 

So, now I'm going into full retard mode trying to pick up women from literally anywhere in an effort to soothe these burns, drinking way more than I usually do, and acquiring a smoking habit. I was already insecure about my abilities with women before and this girl just amplified these insecurities to the extreme. I feel like if I took the regular route with her and just detached my emotions from the sex, I would have a great FWB right now. She thrives off of being treated like garbage.

 

Honestly, even though I've slept with a bunch of girls, Aubrey was the second real girlfriend I've ever had. I gave in, and took the nice guy route thinking I had something special. Yeah right. Now I'm going to be more hesitant with love than ever. I had a really great girl I could've dated this summer instead of her and passed her up because Aubrey lived closer. Idiot.

 

I've got some major whiplash. I can hardly study for anything without ruminating about her and what she's doing. It's gotten better in the last couple weeks, but not enough to be fully functional imo. How am I going to have a normal relationship now after those patterns have been set? I shouldn't have to hit on girls in front of my girlfriend in order to maintain her interest, which became a massive habit in this relationship. Should I even bother with relationships for a while? I feel so ****ty that I want to start working out obsessively like I used to so my next girlfriend doesn't call me a "skinny pussy."

 

I have a freaking master's thesis to be working on. I'm too old to care about this nonsense.

 

 

HEY BLUE!!

 

This is now a matter of coping skills not the girl. Another poster mentioned the specter of co-dependency. Co-dependency is a very broad term and you can experience traits as a completely healthy, normal person. What makes hints of co-d possible in you is the bipolar or BPD potential in the girl.

 

Mood disorders are often accompanied by personality disorders. A person can also have more than one personality disorder. Where things get off track for the non-diagnosed partner(you) is when you choose to love when logic says "wtf". The result is that you lower your value in your own eyes.

 

Besides erratic behavior, which oddly enough a person can get used to, a bipolar/BDS/Narc. is going to put you on a mental rollercoaster ride of your value to her - idealized one day, devalued to the point of being the enemy another day. Whatever the tipping point is, there is a place where you are liable to value her needs and repress your own in order to make things work. Or, make it work long enough for her to return to a better state. It becomes a cycle.

 

The rational way to cope is to take care of yourself first and put the other person second. The wrong way to cope is to place the other person's needs and behaviors before your own. My only qualification on this is I have been through it.

[Sunny-side-up]

I'm with Lilbunny on this. Blueline, sounds to me like you have issues too. The disrespect you've demonstrated in the way you've written your thread would be enough to drive any girl mad on its own. Sorry, but some things you've written can be taken as offensive.

 

Treat her as "an object" and "throw scraps of love"? Are not the words of someone in love.

 

Basically, seems to me that what you are feeling is not a loss of love but simple rejection.

 

When you started seeing her, you did so because you wanted to get laid. Essentially, she's screwed into part of your own insecurities about yourself (gay/vain.. whatever) and left you exposed in the process... then she dumped you.

 

If you'd have carried on seeing her, you'd have ended up dumping her (you tried four times... she got there first)

 

Really, thats what I feel is going on here because love and any respect for her is not what I get from reading this thread.....

 

.....Feeling sorry for yourself is.