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-   -   MESSY situation with MESSY ex-bf! Thoughts needed.....! (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/244496-messy-situation-messy-ex-bf-thoughts-needed)

ohno89 4th September 2010 11:40 AM

MESSY situation with MESSY ex-bf! Thoughts needed.....!
 
I’ve contemplated posting on here for a while now..sometimes I’d start and halfway through, I’d think “ahh I’m fine now, why do I need to post this?!” and sometimes I’d find comfort in other similar stories but now I need help with a particular messy situation..i’ll warn you tho, I don’t even know what exactly I need help with, that’s how messed up my emotions are right now so just any input would be great – I’ve read a lot of posts on here and seen how much they can really help people..they’ve helped me and they weren’t even my stories!

Okay basically, me and my ex broke up about 3.5 months ago now. I’m doing okay in terms of coping and getting on with things etc (definitely would be doing a lot better had I NOT stupidly sneaked onto his fb page..BIG NO NO! I wish I’d found this website back then to know what a stupid, stupid idea it was – no good whatsoever can come from knowing what he’s doing now, especially not with his new g/f..i’ll admit, that set me back a LOT and it still often haunts me now….)

So here’s what happened; he’d started acting a little distant with me, I knew something was up and knew exactly where this were going as it had happened once before when we broke up so I told him I couldn’t do this whole thing another time and that I didn’t want to leave him but I couldn’t handle how he was being with me. I know it sounds like I didn't even try to stop it from happening but it felt like a losing battle and I didn't want to hurt myself further by completely putting myself out there again just to get knocked down. He managed to sweet talk me round, telling me it was just a phase, that he loved me and we’ll be fine, and that actually, he couldn't believe I wasn't even willing to try and fight through this. I believed him. A couple days later, he asked me stop speaking to him completely. We didn’t speak much for 2 weeks apart from when he got pissed at my guy friends writing on my fb and an email telling me that after a year and a half together, “we’re too different – you do this and you do that”. At the end of the 2 weeks, he comes over and I ask him to now – face to face - tell me what the f** he’s actually talking about and he blames drugs; the fact the he does them and I don’t and that they’re too big of a part of his life now and something I’ll never understand. He says he’s still young and wants to do all that stuff now while he can and tries to insinuate that “you know….maybe in a couple years time….”

He wanted to leave, I made him stay a little longer and then it comes out: “I’d been spending time with another girl and we kissed.” I obviously go crazy, especially as in those 2 weeks, he couldn’t even handle a couple of my guy friends writing on my frickin’ WALL. He tries to win me over a little but not too much, either because he didn’t actually care or wanted to save himself some dignity as he knows the one thing I could never stand for is cheating. He cries a lot saying “he can’t believe he’s ruined us, etc etc” and tells me he still loves me and he’s sorry he’s so f***ed up. Oh and also if I could keep this whole thing to myself (JERK!)

I knew he did drugs and never thought of it as much of an issue as it’s so common around us but I didn’t realise how much he was into them until I spoke to his friends. I also know that he’d broken down to me once before about how he doesn’t feel he’s mentally “right” and he knows the drugs don’t help but he’s too far gone with them now. But he would also tell me part of the reason he loved me so much was because I was the only thing that kept him stable and together. ..then obviously the next day, he would act like the conversation never happened and would just go again that night.

Now as I said – we were together for a year and a half. We did have our ups and downs, mainly down to trust that he had abused in the past. All in all, this was a very loving, very intense and strong (or so I thought) relationship. He was always very intense in his emotions towards me (often too intense in terms of his jealousy and over protectiveness). We’re both at university and had each other in mind for the future..we believed we were perfect for each other and in my eyes, he really was…I truly believed him when he said he never wanted to hurt me and he never wanted to lose me. And I think for the most part, he was telling the truth…maybe up until the last few weeks anyway..!

So after all that’s said and done, he finds out that - in those 2 weeks that he’d completely abandoned me - I went to a party one night and a guy I saw briefly TWO years ago when my ex wasn’t even in the picture (but even still, he hated with a passion) was at that same party. So obviously when I try to talk to him a few days later, he turns the whole thing around on me and stops talking to me.

I then find out that not only was he still seeing this girl, but she had already offered him free drugs and a flat abroad for 3 weeks, and so a month later, they jet off together and are now in a relationship. This girl is very different from me and someone I never thought he’d go for, but obviously she’s like god to him right now to be able to offer him a free holiday, free drugs and basically free sex! Oh and whether or not this matters, but once I found out who the girl was, I realised she definitely knew 100% that he was in a relationship when she started to show an obvious interest in him and then later kissed him..........she sounds lovely doesn't she?!

Besides being a complete jerk, I also know that this kid has never really just had a clean, healthy break-up; most of his relationships have overlapped the last and he cannot “emotionally” ever be single. I know this might sound irrelevant but I really don't see how it can be healthy to never have really "mourned" any of your relationships, especially considering the intensity he seems to feel when he's in them. He has also been downright nasty to me in the past; on the one other occasion when we split up and I didn’t think it was a good idea to get back together, he started briefly seeing a friend of mine (use the term ‘friend’ loosely!) for about a week before crawling back to me coz he knew he was only really doing it out of spite. Please don’t ask why I took him back, I wish I could’ve thought this “out-of-the-box” back then but love really is blind! Again, that point is somewhat irrelevant but SO not normal right, like who does that?!

I don’t know how this whole thing mapped out, like if this girl was the reason for the arguments in the first place or if he could see I wanted out so he found someone else in the meantime and then cheated on me.. I drive myself crazy thinking about this stuff and how unfair it is that he appears to have it SO easy right now. Even tho I can honestly say he was probably more emotionally invested in the relationship than I was, he literally moved in with this girl after the holiday and hasn’t actually even had to be alone for long enough to think about what he’s done. If I was in a similar situation to his, like had a hot new guy that was literally like an emotional babysitter to me 24/7, I’d probably be doing fine too!? Oh, and he obviously has the drugs to help him on top of that!

I’m constantly like plagued with thoughts of, is she some sort of rebound? Is he in it for the drugs? Does he ever think about me? Feel bad?! Also – due to the whole fb thing – I also know far too much about their relationship than I ever, ever needed to. This girl is very pretty but very different to me – tattoos, piercings – and I know it really shouldn’t matter what she looks like but I can’t help feeling so insecure like I wasn’t good enough for him and like he’s having so much more fun with this ‘crazy, new druggie chick.’ It’s not like me to feel so down about myself and I know I shouldn’t focus on technicalities, like if this were my best friend saying all these things to me, I’d be like “what the heck?! this guy does NOT define who you are” but when it’s your own problem, it’s a lot easier said than done! :(

My problem now – and what I think has stopped me from progressing as much as I could’ve – is that university is starting again next month and I am TERRIFED of having to see him/them. I know it’s a big place but we know roughly the same people and go to the same places and I feel sick with worry at times at how I’ll cope..and that all this hard work I’ve done trying to move on is just going to be wasted the minute I see him. I’m also genuinely scared he’s going to deliberately try and hurt me in some way, like throw his new relationship in my face…he shows no remorse whatsoever for what he’s done.

It literally hurts me to my core thinking about how people who supposedly love or even ONCE truly loved someone – and when you know that love is real – how they could be this cruel and selfish towards someone that literally did nothing but love and care for them..it’s so bizarre to me. Like it’s fair enough if you want out but why cheat and why lie? I hope I never hurt someone even a percentage of how much he has hurt me..

I’m sorry for the lengthy post but any advice to help me stop dwelling/see how much of a a** this guy is (coz right now, i still only think of his nice parts :( ) / how to deal with going back to school, would be much appreciated…It’s all good and well for friends to tell you to move on coz he’s not worth it etc, etc but it only ever helps to a small extent…guess that's why there’s forums like these!

Thanks guys :)

ShannonMI 4th September 2010 2:08 PM

Wow! He sounds like a real loser, no offense. He is a drug addict. He left you to be with a fellow druggie. That is awful. I feel for you. You are so much better off though, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. It's obvious he's using this girl for the free drugs and free holiday. Yuck! A druggie AND a user. If he tries coming back to you, don't even consider it! I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain. When you go back to school and you see them, just look the other way. Hopefully he doesn't throw his new "relationship" in your face. If he does, then that is further proof that he is a no good piece of sh*t!

PegNosePete 4th September 2010 2:50 PM

What a JERK!
You definitely deserve much better than that.
You need to go NC with this loser right away. Block him on FB, you definitely don't need to see that ****.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohno89 (Post 2977929)
It literally hurts me to my core thinking about how people who supposedly love or even ONCE truly loved someone – and when you know that love is real – how they could be this cruel and selfish towards someone that literally did nothing but love and care for them..it’s so bizarre to me. Like it’s fair enough if you want out but why cheat and why lie? I hope I never hurt someone even a percentage of how much he has hurt me..

Oh yeah. Definitely agreed there! Cheating is the worst thing that anyone can do to their partner.

ohno89 4th September 2010 5:07 PM

Thank for your replies. Besides the odd few fb outbursts on my part (:o), going NC has been no problem for me as I will never let him know - even in my darkest hour - that I ever needed him again after what he did to me. I just wish blocking someone on FB would even hide their stupid little picture that comes up on like past photo comments etc - even seeing his name makes me wanna vom!

I think one of the worst parts is - even with that email he sent me basically listing everything he found wrong with me; a lot of which were petty little exagerrated things he'd always thought of me due to his paranoia - even after that email which really psychologically did nothing for me, like made me feel like i was the most awful, unloving, horrible person - he then had the nerve to go around acting like a complete Saint. He told people things weren't working out and he "did the right thing" by ending things with me, found about about this guy at the party and told people i was SEEING MY "EX" behind his back?!? (he referred to this kid as my ex ALL the time; i literally was briefly seeing him a year before I'd even met my now ex) and made out that i was the bad person and that he was lucky enough to THEN meet this new girl afterwards who he then happen to fall for and booked a holiday with a month after our break-up?!?!

I literally feel damaged. How do you bounce back from something like that and ever face this person again? I don't even know why I'm sitting here scared about running into him when he's the one that's done all these horrible things and should be the one hiding away but I just feel so defeated....:(

ShannonMI 4th September 2010 5:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohno89 (Post 2978352)
Thank for your replies. Besides the odd few fb outbursts on my part (:o), going NC has been no problem for me as I will never let him know - even in my darkest hour - that I ever needed him again after what he did to me. I just wish blocking someone on FB would even hide their stupid little picture that comes up on like past photo comments etc - even seeing his name makes me wanna vom!

I think one of the worst parts is - even with that email he sent me basically listing everything he found wrong with me; a lot of which were petty little exagerrated things he'd always thought of me due to his paranoia - even after that email which really psychologically did nothing for me, like made me feel like i was the most awful, unloving, horrible person - he then had the nerve to go around acting like a complete Saint. He told people things weren't working out and he "did the right thing" by ending things with me, found about about this guy at the party and told people i was SEEING MY "EX" behind his back?!? (he referred to this kid as my ex ALL the time; i literally was briefly seeing him a year before I'd even met my now ex) and made out that i was the bad person and that he was lucky enough to THEN meet this new girl afterwards who he then happen to fall for and booked a holiday with a month after our break-up?!?!

I literally feel damaged. How do you bounce back from something like that and ever face this person again? I don't even know why I'm sitting here scared about running into him when he's the one that's done all these horrible things and should be the one hiding away but I just feel so defeated....:(

I feel damaged too.:( It's going to take me a long long time to bounce back from what happened to me and be able to trust again. If you see your ex, you need to look away and don't talk to him. I'm afraid of seeing my ex as well. I live in a small town and the odds of running into him are pretty great. I dread running into him. I know what places he frequents and I steer clear of them. Do you have any classes with your ex?

ohno89 5th September 2010 9:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShannonMI (Post 2978369)
I feel damaged too.:( It's going to take me a long long time to bounce back from what happened to me and be able to trust again. If you see your ex, you need to look away and don't talk to him. I'm afraid of seeing my ex as well. I live in a small town and the odds of running into him are pretty great. I dread running into him. I know what places he frequents and I steer clear of them. Do you have any classes with your ex?

It sucks right?! I've heard of people literally moving cities to avoid their ex and start fresh and even then, it's not easy for them so I do feel like we're at such a disadvantage here lol... no i thankfully don't have any classes with him but i can just imagine that horrible gut-wrenching feeling when i see him for the first time.. funnily enough though, it won't technically be the first time; just a few weeks after we broke up, i actually saw the two of them coming out of the supermarket as we were going in...he looked straight at me while he was with her and carried on walking.... i kept it together until i got to the confectionary aisle and burst into tears, it still makes me sick to my stomach thinking about that moment....

I know the best thing to do - even if you're not - is just to pretend you're MORE than okay...head held high and make 'em feel small..

BiAxident - thank you for your input :) ha, well at univeristy, you'd THINK there'd be plenty more guys but unfortunately, the good, genuine ones like my ex used to be, just seem so hard to come by!

LoveTruthChaos 5th September 2010 9:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohno89 (Post 2979241)
ha, well at univeristy, you'd THINK there'd be plenty more guys but unfortunately, the good, genuine ones like my ex used to be, just seem so hard to come by!

But wasn't your ex a druggie from the start? What a great guy he used to be, what a catch! Someone who's too emotionally unstable to be single and depend on himself, someone who likes to use women for his own gain and fill them full of false promises to keep them around. WOW! Where can I get one?

haha...sorry hun, wanted to make you laugh. Your story is quite similar to mine, so I understand where you're coming from. Especially this part...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohno89 (Post 2977929)
no good whatsoever can come from knowing what he’s doing now, especially not with his new g/f..i’ll admit, that set me back a LOT and it still often haunts me now….)

and this...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohno89 (Post 2977929)
once I found out who the girl was, I realised she definitely knew 100% that he was in a relationship when she started to show an obvious interest in him and then later kissed him..........she sounds lovely doesn't she?!

and even this...

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohno89 (Post 2977929)
It’s not like me to feel so down about myself and I know I shouldn’t focus on technicalities, like if this were my best friend saying all these things to me, I’d be like “what the heck?! this guy does NOT define who you are” but when it’s your own problem, it’s a lot easier said than done! :(

And the last one hurts most of all.

ohno89 6th September 2010 8:28 AM

Haha, thank you LTC, it did make me chuckle when you say it like that! :) I guess you don't see these flaws until you're forced to have to find them.. I'm sorry you went through a similar situation too, have you posted it on here?

See even now, i feel pathetic for almost defending him but for the most part, he was a good boyfriend; I met him when he'd just started university and - like most people - he went out, started experimenting with drugs then got more into it the following year - again - like most people. I guess he just had to take it that one step too far when it needed to become a part of his relationship. Even when I spoke to my guy friends who had done drugs from the start of university could see the wrong in this and were like "wtf?!?"

I guess people grow up, can change a lot and "find" themselves during university but none of these conclusions make me feel any better because i still think - besides the arguements that every couple has - that was the only factor. But i guess it was too big a factor for him. :(

I don't really know why but after feeling like i was doing so great, i feel like i've gone like 5 steps back when i've been trying to do all the right things?! I guess it must just be the anxiety over having to see him next month... all the nasty emotions that i thought were fading away have comeback with a vengence; the anger, the upset, the hurt....even the shock of it, FOUR months on!!

For the most part, I've been trying to stay positive like "it was not you, it was the drugs. someday down the line, he'll realise what he's done and what he's lost" and that has kept me going. Until last night, when it dawned on me that actually, what if he never regrets what he's done? this is what he wanted; someone who he could party with and do drugs with and feel like crap the next day with..he's young, he said it himself, he wanted to experience all of this at the expense of losing me even though he supposedly still loved me, but he didn't care. What if he'll always look back at this and think "i don't regret any of what i did because it was all worth it and i would never take those experiences back" ?

I seem to have this obsessive need for him to feel some kind of remorse, sorrow, regret, hurt.....and i don't know why or where this need is coming from.....? :sick:

LoveTruthChaos 6th September 2010 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohno89 (Post 2980909)
I seem to have this obsessive need for him to feel some kind of remorse, sorrow, regret, hurt.....and i don't know why or where this need is coming from.....? :sick:

I think we are the same person.

ohno89 6th September 2010 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LoveTruthChaos (Post 2980961)
I think we are the same person.

Do you think it all boils down to some deep, subconscious self-esteem issues brought onto us by our parents when we were kids?! :rolleyes:

LoveTruthChaos 6th September 2010 11:27 AM

haha! Maybe...

I have good self esteem though, so I honestly don't know why I feel that way. Just the feeling of betrayal I cannot shake. I barely even think about HIM anymore, only the betrayal. I fear I'll never get over it.

I was severely struggling with anger a couple of months ago (we broke up 5 motnhs ago), so I went on here for advice. The basic message was - if I continue to harbour so much anger and so many feelings of wanting him to suffer, and wishing Karma onto him, the more that I was hurting myself, and not letting myself get caught up in such detrimental thoughts. It was doing me no good. Literally 2 days later I let most of it go, because I love myself too much to self destruct.

In the end, no amount of anything that we HOPE they experience will be as good as what the Universe can provide when Karma gets to them, remember that :)

ohno89 6th September 2010 2:11 PM

Yeah I can definately relate to that..what I get most upset about now is how he could do that to me, the way he went behind my back and went through with doing something he promised he could never do..even the thought of him considering doing that to me makes me feel sick. So yeah, the betrayal of the whole thing's definately the worst part.

It's good that you found that place LTC, restores some hope for the rest of us too! My question is, how do you actually do it? I am doing all of those things - wishing him bad karma, hoping his new relationship doesn't work out...visioning myself punching each of them in the face lol - and then I feel bad for even thinking those thoughts! I know they're wrong and i need to let go; i don't wanna carry so much hate around but how do you physically do it?

LoveTruthChaos 6th September 2010 9:17 PM

To be honest, I don't actually know how it happened, just that it happened. Maybe reading my original thread about the anger thing might help you?

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t238517/

I kind of just refocussed my thoughts into developing my career, doing more photography, and what I want to acheive out of life, and the rest started to melt away. Remembering that he'll have none of what I'm going to have in a few years time (with hard work!) helps a lot LOL

My photos are my weapon, and my success will be my revenge haha

ohno89 7th September 2010 10:29 AM

LTC - THANK YOU so much for posting that link, it actually helped me a lot and helped me understand your situation better; it really was very similar to mine. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did but hey, it's gotta make you feel better knowing you've really been able to help someone like me going through the same thing now, right?! :)

A lot of stuff really hit home in that thread; I think we're pretty similar in the way we perceive ourselves and our ex's, and this stuff was very relatable:

Quote:

I don't think he set out to hurt me intentionally. But I do not believe he was truly sorry for it either. He had put off breaking up with me for so long that he no longer cared about my feelings at all. When he broke up with me, it was like I was made to feel like the 'other woman', when I was his girlfriend. If that makes sense at all. Like I was such an inconvenience to him and his plans with the girl he left me for.
I still question now whether or not he intentionally set out to hurt me because he thought i was going to go behind his back so he did it first...i dunno, it doesn't really matter. And i totally get the 'feeling like the OW' thing - although my ex hadn't carried out a full-on affair, he had already agreed to go away with this girl while we were still together and even the way he refused to tell me her name and defended her saying "it wasn't her fault" when she CLEARLY knew he was in a relationship, made me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn't actually believe he was defending her over me?! It's an awful feeling and I really do sympathise with you.

It's interesting that a lot of people suggested that carrying around feelings of anger and wanting revenge is because you still actually want your ex back...this is a scary thought; i think i might have to actually sit down and have a good talk with myself if, in fact - subconsciously - i want this kid back?! In which case, I am happy to let go of these emotions right now!

I get it tho - I don't like the person I'm turning into either; I don't want to be one of those bitter, clearly not-over-her-ex girls that people pity. I want to focus on myself, be happy, spend time with my friends like you said in your thread and wish him all the best. If anything, that'll make him feel worse! Like someone said in your thread, the LAST thing i want him to know is that losing him had had this much of an impact on me. If anything, it was not him, it's what he did to me, which is natural for anyone to be upset over.

And LTC - success IS revenge! I'm glad you're focusing on your photography and your career, I guess I need to do the same. It's the final year of my degree and I cannot let this douchebag drag me down in my studies and potentially my future career, I would literally HATE myself if i ever did! :rolleyes:

Thank you again for all your help :)

ohno89 14th September 2010 12:48 PM

Okay so - with less than 3 weeks left til I start uni again - I thought I was doing okay but I'm not.

I'd ordered a book a little while ago when I thought I really needed it, called 'I Can Med Your Broken Heart' but it didn't arrive til like a month later. I didn't really feel like I needed to be reading it at this point, 4 months on, but I started reading anyway just to see if it would help. I got to the section about why some people don't feel heartbreak after the end of a relationship and I just don't know why as I already know this stuff and have read it a million times but what it said really upset me. I cried hysterically - more than I have in ages - at what is said. It basically explained what most of us have heard before, that usually it's because they've already emotionally disconnected themselves from you, have found someone else and have already started to envision a new, exciting, 'better' future with this new person, to the point where they're old relationship is just history and something of the past that they're not attached to anymore.

I don't know if it's the way it was worded or because I really put myself in my ex's head and imagined him still being in a relationship with me where nothing major had even gone wrong at the time, and I pictured him sitting there not being able to stop thinking about this new girl when he was still with me and without even knowing her that well, just knowing that she was worth breaking my heart over..someone who had stuck by his side through a lot over the last year and half and never gave up on him or our relationship once.....he completely ruined us.

I then started feeling a lot of resentment towards this girl. Why did she have to come along and completely shatter my future? Because that's what she did; I was completely in love with this guy, we had a future planned out together and along she comes, offers him free drugs, a free place to stay abroad to get away from everything, she shows an obvious interest in him despite him being in a relationship and then boom; she has taken him away from me and he goes from being my boyfriend - which everyone had always known - to hers, just like that.

Now i know I'm putting too much blame on her because it was him I was in a relationship with and who betrayed me and went along with his decision but.....at times, it's very hard to want to blame them. Maybe because i truly believe - if this girl hadn't come along with such an offer and an easy way out for him - he would've done the right thing and stuck in there. He would've talked to me about issues he was having or how he was feeling about us and he would've at least tried to fight for us like he promised he would just two weeks before this whole thing happened. I then turn to blaming myself...blaming myself for being so annoyed at him in those couple weeks he told me to just leave him alone, that I just left him to it. I could've really fought for him but I felt so hard done by and so angry that he thought he could just shut my out and I'll just sit there waiting for him like a doormat, that I just carried on with my life. I didn't want him to know I was hurting but I wasn't trying to shove anything in his face about how "okay" i was either...I was just looking after myself.

I even start to wonder...what if I just took more of an interest in his lifestyle? What if I did just dabble in a few recreational drugs at a couple house parties because I'm not completely against them at all, in fact, I have done them before but.....I don't know, I never really felt the need to until now, where someone I loved has broken up with me because of it. I start to feel like I was in the wrong and heck, I'm probably gonna do them now anyway to get away from these bull sh*** feelings so why didn't I just indulge in them before, with him so we could all hang out together....

This is horrible.....the feeling of being completely replaced and watching another girl take your place and do all the things you were supposed to be doing with your ex instead....is truly awful....

I wanna be back in my good place....sorry for the rant.. :(


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