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Am I dumper or dumpee?


PegNosePete

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About a month ago I discovered my wife's affair. At first she wanted to work things out but she moved out to "clear her head", "decide what she wants", blah blah blah. For a couple of days I also didn't know what I wanted but soon decided that I would not take her back. When I told her this she made no effort whatsoever to talk me around, she just said "OK if that's what you want" and we've been pretty much NC since.

 

I regard her as dumper since she cheated and moved out. But technically I am the one who closed the door and told her I didn't want to reconcile. So am I the dumper or dumpee?

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About a month ago I discovered my wife's affair. At first she wanted to work things out but she moved out to "clear her head", "decide what she wants", blah blah blah. For a couple of days I also didn't know what I wanted but soon decided that I would not take her back. When I told her this she made no effort whatsoever to talk me around, she just said "OK if that's what you want" and we've been pretty much NC since.

 

I regard her as dumper since she cheated and moved out. But technically I am the one who closed the door and told her I didn't want to reconcile. So am I the dumper or dumpee?

 

Dumper. And you probably did the right thing also. Congratulations on both dumping and being the good guy. She'll be going through mental h*ll soon..

 

(Affairs are only fun, when they are affairs. They loose their magic right away when the become relationships. She'll probably use the guy for rebound - but we all know this is a way to get the sting 2 months later)

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Woohoo :)

 

Yes I do hope she is going through mental hell, or at least she will when it all goes horribly wrong between her and the OM. I'm expecting some grovelling... actually I was expecting it sooner than this... it's been a month already. But, I'm sure it will come at some point!

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Pete

I know you will have moments of doubt. (If you dont - then you're not human...) Before you do something drastic, please reread your thread and post here.

 

Relapses are a bitch to handle!

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  • 2 weeks later...
About a month ago I discovered my wife's affair. At first she wanted to work things out but she moved out to "clear her head", "decide what she wants", blah blah blah. For a couple of days I also didn't know what I wanted but soon decided that I would not take her back. When I told her this she made no effort whatsoever to talk me around, she just said "OK if that's what you want" and we've been pretty much NC since.

 

I regard her as dumper since she cheated and moved out. But technically I am the one who closed the door and told her I didn't want to reconcile. So am I the dumper or dumpee?

 

 

You dropped her ass! GOOD FOR YOU MY MAN!!!!:cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

 

You DUMPED HER!

 

BTW, expect her to come crawling back, but slam the door in her face! She made her choice! Just protect yourself financially, and your house too!

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BTW, expect her to come crawling back, but slam the door in her face! She made her choice! Just protect yourself financially, and your house too!

Yeah - I am expecting that at some point. But 6 weeks on, nothing.

 

I saw her for the first time this weekend, she came round to pick up her stuff from my garage. She didn't try talking about us at all, she was friendly enough, just got on with loading her stuff up. Seeing her brought it all back though. I feel like I'm back in week 1 :(

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Pete I know it's hard and that you couldn't help seeing her - and not that you even need to be told this - but how you felt was a reminder of how you'll feel everytime if you were to break NC; right back at square one. And i know it's an awful feeling but it'll get better... good on you! :)

 

I had a similar-ish situation to you and never thought about the whole dumper/dumpee thing.... if my ex told me he wanted out but then straight after, told me he'd infact cheated and tried to win me back a little but i was having none of it...who's the dumper then..? I'm guessing still him lol?!

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Weird thing is, I wasn't concerned about seeing her beforehand. I thought I'd be fine and could handle it. And at the time, I could, and I did - she must've thought I was doing absolutely fine without her. But that night, and ever since, I have been feeling really bad. I wish I could NC, but need to wait a month before I can apply for a divorce, and need to sort out financials too. It's such a pain. Roll on NC - though it'll probably be February!!!

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Pete,

Very glad you posted instead of confronting her. Look at your join date. It's about a month ago. Your memory of bad things is starting to fade and the good things are starting to surface. Expect this to continue for some time.

 

You have to keep in mind that what you're having are feelings. Feelings and truth are not the same thing. Feelings can betray you from the truth. You can probably stay cool for some time and those feelings will vanish. What will be left are memories. Good memories of a relation that you've once enjoyed, but without feelings. Some people call it closure or acceptance or indifference. Doens't matter. You'll get there. And you'll feel that you'll hope the future will be nice to your ex.

 

(And here's the funny part. That feelings will be based on your values towards humans, not because she was so great...)

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bboy, you're right. After posting on onho's brain training thread I realised that I wasn't really following my own advice. I started off doing it and it worked really well, so I have now started again. I need to keep focussed on the facts of what happened, rather than as you say, forget the bad stuff but still have feelings for the good stuff. That road leads to more pain and suffering. Even though the other road leads to pain and suffering also, it is less in the long run.

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Hey pete,

 

Been meaning to ask how it was when se came around but I just read your thread...

 

Dude don't worry about it, the feelings and emotions are still pretty raw and seeing her does play mind games, but look at how well you did before she came over??? You have just got to focus on yourself and keep yourself busy...

 

Have you been hitting the gym??? Going out???? Meeting new people (not necessarily to date) but just new people expand your social circle??? I did that and it worked great for me, I figured that since all my old friends knew about her they still ask ms how I am doing, so I went out and made a few new ones and have been painting London red...

 

Found a club last weekend that's open till 10:00am and has a swimming pool in it... Can you imagine how wild that is???

 

Dude you'll be fine, you are a strong one, follow step 9 on mcgrupps thread (it's been what I have been doing hence my absence here on LS) that and I have been swamped with work since, and been hitting the gym 5 times a week:...

 

Anyways dude I guess what I am trying to say is to keep strong, you will be fine, think of the recurring thoughts after seeing her as a minor setback.... I saw mine last Friday and she couldn't even look me in the eye - it was really awkward, my heart was pounding at a million beats per second but I kept calm and I think that drove her insane cos all of a sudden she was snappy and sulky around the office.... Hehehehehe...

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Hi smk... long time no see! Glad to see you're doing well... club with a pool in it, that sounds wild indeed :)

 

McGrupp no. 9 is indeed a great one, I read it intently! I've been hitting the gym 3x a week, doing LOADS of DIY, sticking to the new diet, have a skiing holiday with some crazy mates planned for next year, and my drama group is starting up again next week. I guess I'm lucky that my friends are mostly my friends, not mutual, so they are all on my side, and don't have any contact with STBX. I could probably do with expanding my circle a bit.

 

Yeah I know this is just a setback and it will go back to normal soon, but it just kind of sneaked up on me. I thought I could handle seeing her. My previous R lasted 9 years, and when she picked her stuff up a month after moving out, I felt nothing for her. But this time... 6 weeks in... completely different! DOH!

 

Counting the days til October 13th... (D8 day :))

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Woohoo :)

 

Yes I do hope she is going through mental hell, or at least she will when it all goes horribly wrong between her and the OM. I'm expecting some grovelling... actually I was expecting it sooner than this... it's been a month already. But, I'm sure it will come at some point!

 

Don't expect anything until 3 -6 months have past. Sometimes as early as 2.

 

When you have to communicate, be cold and businesslike and never answer personal questions. Blow her off at any opportunity.

 

If will really get her goat once you start dating (which now would be a good time, casually). They never think about how they will feel about it until it actually happens.

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