Does time heal?

[mea]

This is my first post, I wish I had found this website straight after my breakup but only recently when I was searching for answers did I find LS.

 

I had been with my partner for the last eight years and I honestly thought we were some of the lucky ones that managed to find each other. Our lives did twist and turn in those eight years but we were there for each other; our first jobs, second jobs, traveling for 6mths through SA and then London. In London he was studying, I found it hard to get work in my industry because of the recession but supported him and we got through it. I honestly thought if we got through that we could get through anything. Then we came home, I got work straight away and threw myself in to it, his was a bit slow which frustrated him. First few months we were back, I thought everything was great, we became godparents to his nephew and enjoyed the summer.

 

Then the distance came, it first became obvious when he announced in front of his parents he was thinking of getting work in his hometown. This was a complete shock to me, we had always discussed out future plans, deciding together and then he was deciding things for him/us. It would be very hard for me to work in his hometown at this stage of my career. I got upset and he didn't seem to understand why, I tried to talk about, he didn't want to. We went back and forth, it made me defensive and I know I probably pushed him away. I did ask him if he wanted us, if he saw a future for us, the answer was always yes.

 

Then 2 mnths later when I said I would compromise and we would do long distance from his home town he said 'things felt different'. I didn't know what to do as I had been asking so long and everything was fine. He couldn't tell me what was wrong, so I suggested a break (something I now regret). During that time (3days apart) he decided he didn't want us anymore, he felt 'our love had changed', perhaps I wasn't 'the one', we were 'too young when we met', maybe we came to a 'natural end' and he didn't want to keeping trying as we would only end up hurting each other more. So that was that, he moved back to his hometown and we kept in contact for the first couple of months but have now been NC for 2mnths, apart from a B'day card and present he sent me.

 

So, I am now 4 months down the track. I don't have answers and am trying to move on. I don't want to be the person I see, who looks in the mirror and doesn't even see or like herself. Nothing seems to help, they tell me time is the cure but it has been 4mnths, how much longer till I feel like me again?

Edited August 18, 2010 by mea

[9Lives]

it takes as long as you have hope. when u really give up, accept the change of HIS decision, and really really really let it go...it will get easier. there is no new pain now. just the pain u are putting on yourself. I was there for 3 years. trying and hoping and wishing and praying...guess what??? he didn't come back cause he made up his mind. I was lost, numb...a zombie. then I read this book called how to break my addiction to a person and now I'm doing much much better.

 

love aint fair or guaranteed. that is the best lesson you can learn. you guys had 8 wonderful years together. it was all good but he made it a memory now.

 

wipe your tears..thank him for the good love and pls get moving on with your life. guess what, you will meet another great guy and you will be happy and you will feel good again.

 

just let him go! sorry but its best since he don't want to be together anymore.

 

or you can drag yourself thru another 4 months of misery. YOU CHOOSE

[skydiveaddict]

I know how you feel, mea, when I got home the the war she was no where to be found. She wouldn't contact me at all. That was almost a year ago and my heart is still crushed. By I am slowly getting better . You will heal too. Keep strong and go out and find things to do. Anything to keep your mind off him

[mea]

just let him go! sorry but its best since he don't want to be together anymore.

 

Thanks 9lives, I know I have to do what you are saying to. As I do deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them and I don't want to be the person that holds onto the past so ends up sabotaging their own future.

 

It is just hard letting go, I was driving to work this morning, just telling myself to let it go but I still can't seem to. Am keeping myself busy doing everything I apparently should but none of it really helps.

 

Any other tips are most welcome.

[mea]

Thanks for your kind words skydiveaddict

Edited August 18, 2010 by mea

[ShannonMI]

This is my first post, I wish I had found this website straight after my breakup but only recently when I was searching for answers did I find LS.

 

I had been with my partner for the last eight years and I honestly thought we were some of the lucky ones that managed to find each other. Our lives did twist and turn in those eight years but we were there for each other; our first jobs, second jobs, traveling for 6mths through SA and then London. In London he was studying, I found it hard to get work in my industry because of the recession but supported him and we got through it. I honestly thought if we got through that we could get through anything. Then we came home, I got work straight away and threw myself in to it, his was a bit slow which frustrated him. First few months we were back, I thought everything was great, we became godparents to his nephew and enjoyed the summer.

 

Then the distance came, it first became obvious when he announced in front of his parents he was thinking of getting work in his hometown. This was a complete shock to me, we had always discussed out future plans, deciding together and then he was deciding things for him/us. It would be very hard for me to work in his hometown at this stage of my career. I got upset and he didn't seem to understand why, I tried to talk about, he didn't want to. We went back and forth, it made me defensive and I know I probably pushed him away. I did ask him if he wanted us, if he saw a future for us, the answer was always yes.

 

Then 2 mnths later when I said I would compromise and we would do long distance from his home town he said 'things felt different'. I didn't know what to do as I had been asking so long and everything was fine. He couldn't tell me what was wrong, so I suggested a break (something I now regret). During that time (3days apart) he decided he didn't want us anymore, he felt 'our love had changed', perhaps I wasn't 'the one', we were 'too young when we met', maybe we came to a 'natural end' and he didn't want to keeping trying as we would only end up hurting each other more. So that was that, he moved back to his hometown and we kept in contact for the first couple of months but have now been NC for 2mnths, apart from a B'day card and present he sent me.

 

So, I am now 4 months down the track. I don't have answers and am trying to move on. I don't want to be the person I see, who looks in the mirror and doesn't even see or like herself. Nothing seems to help, they tell me time is the cure but it has been 4mnths, how much longer till I feel like me again?

 

Time does heal, but sometimes it takes a long, long time. You were with this person for 8 years. Of course it's going to take some time to get over him. 4 months isn't that long. I'm going through the same thing. My boyfriend broke up with me after 8 years. Its been about 3 months since we broke up. I'm still struggling with it everyday. He said the same types of things as your ex. "Things have changed" "Maybe we aren't right for each other" all that. It's hard because you still have these intense feelings and there is nothing you can do about it. I've made the mistake of pouring my heart out a few times to my ex and he just doesn't feel the same way. It's painful. It's better not to have contact with him. Just be patient with yourself and give yourself time.

[Iloveyou4ever]

im in the same situation you are in...my ex girlfriend sid the same thing and now claims shes in love with another man.....just after 2 weeks of breaking up she found another person....it hurts like no other..4 years i was with her....all i can say is keep yourself busy....worry about YOU! and if it was meant to be...then itll work out in the end..things happen for a reason. everything will get better..its all in time now.

[BiAxident]

In my case, my ex and I dated for a little over two years before the breakup. It took me about 6 months before I wasn't "zombified" on a daily a basis. What I really attribute to having helped me, though, was that the fall semester started and I had to get up at a certain time, maintain a decent schedule, all that sort of thing.

[mea]

Time does heal, but sometimes it takes a long, long time. You were with this person for 8 years. Of course it's going to take some time to get over him. 4 months isn't that long. I'm going through the same thing. My boyfriend broke up with me after 8 years. Its been about 3 months since we broke up. I'm still struggling with it everyday. He said the same types of things as your ex. "Things have changed" "Maybe we aren't right for each other" all that. It's hard because you still have these intense feelings and there is nothing you can do about it. I've made the mistake of pouring my heart out a few times to my ex and he just doesn't feel the same way. It's painful. It's better not to have contact with him. Just be patient with yourself and give yourself time.

 

Hey ShannonMI, I really hate that we are in the same boat, wouldn't wish our situation upon anyone. Tonight I decided to make an effort and go to an after work event. Thought I was doing ok and then a guy tried to chat me up and I just couldn't cope. Funny, I should take it as a compliment, at least someone wants me, just not the person I want. Ended up leaving and drove home in tears, not a good night. But suppose at least I tried, just take each day as it comes, that what everyone keeps on telling me. Hope you are doing better than me

[9Lives]

Hey ShannonMI, I really hate that we are in the same boat, wouldn't wish our situation upon anyone. Tonight I decided to make an effort and go to an after work event. Thought I was doing ok and then a guy tried to chat me up and I just couldn't cope. Funny, I should take it as a compliment, at least someone wants me, just not the person I want. Ended up leaving and drove home in tears, not a good night. But suppose at least I tried, just take each day as it comes, that what everyone keeps on telling me. Hope you are doing better than me

 

its not easy. I'm toward the end of a 3 year painful and torturing time of hope. and the reults is still the same. I really don't want you to go thru that for real.

 

you not going to feel right for a little while. thats part of it. but what I tell myself is that NC means no NEW pain. THIS pain has a time limit. its very very true.

write that down so u can remember it cause those pains are going to come and the sonner you can make it thru the better off you will be.

 

people do things sometime that can be so hurtful and there is nothing you can do sometimes. that's how love goes but I think you should really be kind to yourself.

 

you will get thru this. for sure!

[HeavenOrHell]

Time helps, but it only helped me in the respect that after 6 months of depression post break up (18 year relationship) I thought "I've had enough of this" and realised I had to make a huge effort to get myself out of it and move on, otherwise I could have been stuck in the past for a very long time.

Time doesn't heal if you don't put some effort into moving on.

[Nappeal]

Time ALWAYS fixes things. You were with this man for a long time, and you can't expect to NOT hurt for a while, but soon enough you'll think of him less and less; you'll miss him less and less; all those good times you think about now that make you want to cry? Soon enough they'll make you smile - and if you do miss them its only the sentiment that you miss. Everyday is a day closer to you finding your independence again - that's a guarantee.

 

Unfortunately, 'time' happens in its own time, and I do believe we can be our own worst enemies. Not allowing yourself to move on doesn't help. I find that a lot of self pep-talks help when I'm feeling overwhelmed w my own relationship issues, and even if I have to do it a million times a day, it always help. I remind myself of why things couldn't work, and how HE'S doing the favor for me by not talking to me...otherwise if he gave me any inclination he wanted to talk to me, I'd be on him like white on rice

 

You will get better - in your own time.