Hope through devastation

[Lost Fish]

Hey everyone,

 

I know that most of the posts in here are from those who are really struggling and enduring the pain of having someone you loved walk away. I am in the same boat.

 

My ex threw the whole "I need a break" which quickly evolved into us being broken up after a year+ of being together and on top of that we were friends 2 years before that. I cared for her a great deal.

 

One thing that I noticed about myself in the past (after another hard breakup similar to this) was that I grieved and mourned losing the girl for over a YEAR and because of that I missed out on dating some pretty amazing girls. I did not want to do that again this time - miss out on life - so I've really made an effort this time around to do all the right things.

 

I think one thing that can hinder your progress, that I am guilty of, is holding onto the pain / hope that things will change as a weird way of proving to yourself just how much you loved your ex. And as long as you hold onto that hope, even while in NC, you will never move forward. How can you move on if you're constantly waiting for them to come back? I previously went NC with her before but I knew she'd come back to me so it was much easier - and she did.

 

This time I know it's for good. The past week has been really hard. I've been constantly thinking about her and feeling a deep pit of loss and devastation inside me. But googling heartbreak this morning I found a piece of advice that rang true.

 

You have to let go of hope to move forward. But how do you do this?

 

You have to walk through the pain to get to acceptance. In other words, you have to really analyze your feelings and let yourself experience them fully. And I literally did this at work today in my office (no one was around at the time, thankfully).

 

So I started with simple phrases/thoughts and let them naturally progress from one to the next:

"I have this feeling of devastating loss" -> "she was so amazing and beautiful" -> "I am afraid of having to go through life alone" -> "she finally realized that I'm not good enough to be with" -> etc.. etc.. etc..

 

They all evolved into really dark depressing thoughts. I realized silent tears were creeping down my cheeks as I did this exercise... but then by the afternoon I noticed that my thought pattern had changed. Of course I'm not an unworthy person. And she may have been physically attractive, but she was definitely by no means perfect. And of course I would have a lot of self doubt and fear of loneliness, anyone would, but also there are still so many people who love me and I know there has to be a girl out there on my same wavelength.

 

It was finally the beginnings of ACCEPTANCE. I have started to let her go and I am so full of hope and peace that it's sort of feeding into itself.

 

When I got home today I did something I love - singing. I sat at the piano and sang a lot of songs to my empty house and reconnected with my confident performer side. Then later I got a couple emails from old college friends which further helped pick me up.

 

Then after dinner I suddenly realized I wasn't even thinking about her every 5 minutes -- and it was so refreshing.

 

I honestly think I am making some progress and it is such a relief. But in order to do it I had to let go of her in my heart, which was really rough but also such a release.

 

I don't know if any of this made any sense to you fellow LS-ers out there, but I know how much a lot of you are hurting, and believe me I've been there... hopefully you might be able to pick up a thing or two from my words and maybe it will help nudge you in the right direction.

Don't be afraid to let go. Clinging to pain as some sort of semblance of how much you loved your ex only prevents YOU from moving forward.

 

Peace and love to all of you out there.

Edited August 6, 2010 by Lost Fish
grammar / wording

[smk]

I think one thing that can hinder your progress that I am guilty of, is holding onto the pain / hope that things will change as a weird way of proving to yourself just how much you loved your ex. And as long as you hold onto that hope, even while in NC, you will never move forward

 

It took me almost 7 weeks to realise this and come to terms with it – even though I was in NC I was hoping that one morning she will wake up and realise and come back, and then all of a sudden I realised that the longer I hold on to this even during NC I wont move forward. It took a very thought provoking post from someone here on LS to open my eyes to that however when I finally accepted things for what they were I actually starter the journey to finding my own happiness…

 

You have to walk through the pain to get to acceptance. In other words, you have to really analyze your feelings and let yourself experience them fully.

 

As hard as it may be this is so true – you need to physically feel each emotion, don’t try to block them out, just let the carry you through, and sometimes it may not be easy, but enduring the pain only makes us stronger as an individual, I know in my case my break up has actually brought out more good than bad – it made me realise so many things about myself that I will forever be grateful for and things that I may never have realised.

 

 

I don't know if any of this made any sense to you fellow LS-ers out there, but I know how much a lot of you are hurting, and believe me I've been there... hopefully you might be able to pick up a thing or two from my words and maybe it will help nudge you in the right direction.

 

It makes complete and utter sense, I think only we let go of them fully can we begin the journey to moving on, even in NC the longer we hold on to them the longer it will take us to live the life that we want to live.

 

By me letting go of her and what we once shared it doesn’t mean that I have stopped caring or stopped loving her in any way, to me it was simply letting go of the past and creating my own future and living in my present. I still love her more, I still care about her, and yesterday when I saw her I felt that I had let go – yes when I went to meet her I wont lie a very small part of me did think that she would say that she had made a mistake, blah blah blah, but I never went there with any expectations whatsoever. I think it was more of a journey towards my acceptance that made me go there.

 

And you know what I cried last night, I mourned my loss, and I accepted that it was no more, and with that I just sort of released. Yes she does still occupy my thoughts, her memories still do come back, but I am not going to let the past consume me.

 

Great post Lost Fish….

[mickleb]

Well done, LF. This is a really important stage to get to.

 

The bits about trying to prove to yourself that your feelings for them should be justified by the pain are especially insightful.

 

It gets easier from here because you are back in the driving seat. I'm really happy for you!

 

Take care.

 

x

[bonpaw2008]

Thanks so much Fish, I copied this and put it in my journal along with all the other great advice that I have gleened from LS. I really appreciate it...

[Lost Fish]

I am happy that my post made sense to you guys! It really is true.

 

Tonight I had some old friends over and we were laughing and for once I was actually in the moment with them - and not half-there because my mind was wondering about her and what she may or may not be up to.

 

Albeit, now that my friends have left and I am here alone, I find myself back at the LS boards - but better this than something less productive.

 

Another main thing that I'm doing differently with this break-up is re-shifting my thought process. It's simple, and just takes a little vigilance to recognize when backsliding thoughts slip in, as they often do.

 

We all have this simple WANT that still comes back from time to time to just have them back in our lives. I am now experienced enough to realize that just because I can't have her back doesn't mean I can't be happy. So now when I find myself thinking:

 

I just want her back.

 

I shift it to:

 

I just want to be happy.

 

This simple change in the thought instantly sets my heart back on the right track to healing. Because I know I can be happy. I am now starting to see how out-of-whack I've been in the last few destructive weeks (months?) as things fell apart. I am reconnecting with my own happiness and even setting goals for myself on getting back into better shape and even performing again.

 

It sucks that we have to endure pain and loss like this to help show us who we really are, but the ending of a relationship can also be a fantastic opportunity to reconnect with yourself.

 

I deserve happiness in life, because I'm pretty awesome... and yes I do tell myself this in the mirror... and if you are reading this then you probably should too.

[mickleb]

You're not wrong, Lost Fish.

 

Sounds like you're a person with a good deal of self-esteem (rather than the bothersome old Ego). I love a good bit of self-esteem: makes life a lot more simple, ultimately, I find.

 

I, also, love threads like this. The Coping section needs you! Thanks for dropping in.

 

x