Relationship Jumping

[A Hot Mess]

Honest question about the act of rapidly moving into another relationship after the ending of a previous LTR, and how many here (and elsewhere) frown upon it.

 

Is this really that big of a deal, or is this simply a mantra repeated by those that have limited prospects of lining up a new relationship, to make themselves feel better about being alone for months/years?

 

Flame away.

[spiderowl]

I don't know whether you are the one whose long-term relationship has recently ended or someone who is contemplating a relationship with such, but it is relevant, yes. Someone who has been in a long-term relationship needs to go through several stages before 'finding themselves' again and really knowing what they want in the future. They may enter a relationship and be very enthusiastic - after all, it's new and fun to them. They may not have had sex for a while and so they find themselves in what might seem like a new 'playground'. They haven't experienced the process of becoming an individual again yet so, partly through naivete, they think they can just leap into something and it will be like the good parts of the last relationship. Sadly, this is often a fantasy.

 

Their new partner will have different needs, values, goals and habits to their previous partner and that will become apparent. When the relationship falls apart for this reason and due to lack of any desire for commitment anyway, it is often devastating to the other who was looking to the future with this person. Someone who has been alone for a while, been through the emotional separation process and started to look outwards to a new life with a new partner, is in a different place emotionally and may end up investing much more. For the newly separated or divorced person, it is obviously disappointing that this first new relationship hasn't worked out, but it teaches them that they need to experiment a bit before committing themselves wholeheartedly to someone.

 

You can see how it can be a mistake to get involved with someone who is just out of an important relationship. I speak from experience.

[D-Lish]

I have a couple of gf's that have never been single. A friend I've known since grade school has literally been in a relationship since she was 13. She always had someone new lined up before she'd leave, and has never been single since I've known her, not even for a day! She is now 40, and unhappily married with 2 children. I've never known her to have any real kind of identity, because she has always defined herself through her relationships.

[monkeymaid]

i am extremely interested in this thread. i cannot add to it, but would love to read more about this idea!! please chim in even if its only a fleeting thought!!

[LoveTruthChaos]

They may enter a relationship and be very enthusiastic - after all, it's new and fun to them. They may not have had sex for a while and so they find themselves in what might seem like a new 'playground'. They haven't experienced the process of becoming an individual again yet so, partly through naivete, they think they can just leap into something and it will be like the good parts of the last relationship. Sadly, this is often a fantasy.

 

Their new partner will have different needs, values, goals and habits to their previous partner and that will become apparent. When the relationship falls apart for this reason and due to lack of any desire for commitment anyway, it is often devastating to the other who was looking to the future with this person.

 

With any luck!

(in the case of my ex and the girl he left me for)

[spriggig]

Ok, I'll chime in. I think the drive to jump in again is linked to Hysterical Bonding--the strong desire for sex after a big fight or breakup. You still have the desire even if you can't fulfill it with the now-ex. So, what happens? Rebound.

[AlwaysConflicted]

I'm more of a loner to begin with so I don't enter relationships too quickly after a breakup. I have no desire.

 

After a breakup whether I get dumped or I do the dumping I get SICK of women and ban them from my life for quite a while.

 

It just depends on the person. Some people have a difficult time being alone. It's not bad or good. Takes all kinds...

[A Hot Mess]

i am extremely interested in this thread. i cannot add to it, but would love to read more about this idea!! please chim in even if its only a fleeting thought!!

 

Haha. I've been wrestling with this whole concept for a few days myself and wanted to know what others thought, which is why I posted it up for discussion.

 

At first, I was all "Yeah, I totally have to get my mind right, improve myself, make it so my next relationship will be better, blah blah blah..." But over the last few days, I've been asking myself, "Why?" I mean, I can sorta see the benefits, but then I started to think "Is this just an excuse for people who can't get a date?"

 

Recently I've been thinking about what my next move will be and what types of people I've been in LTRs with. My recent ex jumped full-on into a serious relationship just after I went NC on her. At first, my thought was "Good luck with that rebound", but there's really nothing that says she couldn't just as well go on and marry this new guy. So I started to think, "Am I just delaying my life by saying I need to spend X number of months coping with the loss of this relationship?"

 

So I'm kinda torn.

[A Hot Mess]

I have a couple of gf's that have never been single. A friend I've known since grade school has literally been in a relationship since she was 13. She always had someone new lined up before she'd leave, and has never been single since I've known her, not even for a day! She is now 40, and unhappily married with 2 children. I've never known her to have any real kind of identity, because she has always defined herself through her relationships.

 

 

D, I may have dated a couple of your friends.

 

This girl I dated once, after we broke up and she moved onto this next guy quickly, she all of a sudden was this huge MMA fan and gun enthusiast. It was so bizarre.

[D-Lish]

D, I may have dated a couple of your friends.

 

This girl I dated once, after we broke up and she moved onto this next guy quickly, she all of a sudden was this huge MMA fan and gun enthusiast. It was so bizarre.

 

You dodged a bullet HM, you really did.

[GrayClouds]

So I started to think, "Am I just delaying my life by saying I need to spend X number of months coping with the loss of this relationship?"

 

You answered your own question. Why is not dating delaying your life,? Try it, it may mean you will actually learn how to have a life that you cherish that is not dependent on being in a relationship to give it value.

Edited July 26, 2010 by GrayClouds

[starryeyed12]

My recent ex jumped full-on into a serious relationship just after I went NC on her. At first, my thought was "Good luck with that rebound", but there's really nothing that says she couldn't just as well go on and marry this new guy. So I started to think, "Am I just delaying my life by saying I need to spend X number of months coping with the loss of this relationship?"

 

There is also nothing to say that she is truely happy with this guy. People get with, stay with, and marry others for the wrong reasons all the time. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors. I would say that the high divorce rate is good evidence of this.

 

Take your time and don't base your own self worth on whether or not you have a date tonight.

[A Hot Mess]

Why is not dating delaying your life,? Try it, it may mean you will actually learn how to have a life that you cherish that is not dependent on being in a relationship to give it value.

 

Take your time and don't base your own self worth on whether or not you have a date tonight.

 

I'm starting to think the whole "if you date right away, you're needy, you don't cherish your life, and have no self worth" is a bunch of bullsh*t.

 

I don't hate my life. I don't hate having my own time. But I do have goals. And one of them is to have a family. The longer I sit here and think I still need to "recover", the further out the liklihood of me accomplishing that goal is. I'm not saying I'm trying to marry the next girl that walks in the door, but as they say "You can't hit a home run if you don't step up to the plate."

 

I'm sure the next response will be, "You can't hit a home run if you don't know how to swing the bat. You need to spend 5 years in the batting cages, and really get to love your Juggs machine. That way, you'll truly cherish the opportunity when you make it into the line-up."

 

People also say "Teachers teach, because they can't do."

[monkeymaid]

i get it!

 

..,.but if you hit yourself in the head with the bat, you kind of need some time to reevaluate the way you were swinging. ...if your up to it, go date man. no one told you not to,but bouncing around floundering and leading women on is hitting them on the head with the bat and you keep striking out.

 

its just to consolidate yourself and get past this inning.you had your at bat, you struck out, now sit down till your up again.

 

i do get it though. you do need to get back there and practice alot at some point!

[Username37]

I think peeps need to wait it out. They shouldn't be jumping into anything like hooking up, rebounds, etc.

 

I don't want baggage. Comparing my new partner to my ex would be terrible and it would make me feel like total ****. And being someone's bandaid would be worse. In the words of the Offspring "just do me a favor, and check your baggage at the door"

[K'aycie]

I really think it depends on the relationship.......how did it end? How long were the two people together? How does the person cope naturally?

 

Things of that nature.

 

In highschool, I overlapped a couple times.

 

Otherwise....for me, it's been a few months to a few years in between.

[starryeyed12]

People also say "Teachers teach, because they can't do"

 

 

I can do anything I set my mind to. I teach because I care. Get it right or keep your unappreciative, ignorant quotes to your self.

 

 

 

You p*ssed me off with that, but I will still tell you this: Why the h*ll do you want to throw your heart back into the gauntlet so soon? Have you learned nothing? Well, it certainly hasn't been for lack of good teachers...

 

Relationships are hard and messy and a lot of work. Even people who are in a good state of mind and have their sh*t together, have a rough time with them. The good ones don't just fall into your lap bc you decided to go on a date or two or five. You can't force it. Quit being a pansy to societal pressures that say you need a gf. You acting like that is a good reason that you're not ready.

 

That said, go ahead and date. Good luck with that. You will most certainly be back here hoping for some sound advice once again. Maybe next time you'll listen.

Edited July 26, 2010 by starryeyed12

[GrayClouds]

I'm starting to think the whole "if you date right away, you're needy, you don't cherish your life, and have no self worth" is a bunch of bullsh*t.

 

I don't hate my life. I don't hate having my own time. But I do have goals. And one of them is to have a family.

 

In your own words you are saying being single is delaying you life, that articulates a value judgment that your life is not as good as if you were in a relationship. Your aggressiveness of that being pointed out suggest an insecurity in your position. Maybe you have hit the anger stage, if so congrats, its one of the better ones.

 

To continue your analogy of baseball, it simply about taking time to improving you ability and odds of hitting that home run. The better you know yourself, the better you understand your tendencies, the happier you are in the "batter box" alone the greater the odds that you get the result you are wanting.

 

It is called maturity, delayed gratification, building self-esteem not feed ego. It about believing in yourself enough to understand that spending time to learn to grow now will make your future more satisfying. To increase the chance your chance of not only fulfilling your goals but wanting them after you do. Reduce the chance of the family you want being a statistic:

 

• More the half of first marriages end in divorce.
  
• About 1/3 of children are living in single parent households.
  

Taking time to learn from your mistakes, to reevaluate your values, and become more self realized reduce pain in the future. For what work and pain you do not face now will come sneaking up on you in the future. It is the difference of facing this hard stuff at 25 rather then 40, is about not having this stuff ruin a 10 year long relationship, it about knowing how to take care of yourself if your goals do fall apart.

 

More then anything what type of person do you want in a relationship? A healthy individual who understand themselves, who chooses not needs to be with you, who spent time learning from their mistakes, found better ways to behave under stress, understand that delaid gratification is more rewarding then instant, does not substitute ego for self esteem and value value growing and working through problems?

 

Though a partner will only be attracted to someone who has too spent the effort to become that person.

 

Likes attract, so by all means swing away.

 

 

.

Edited July 26, 2010 by GrayClouds

[Ilovecake]

I guess the consensus is that if you don't take some time to yourself to contemplate you're bound to repeat the same mistakes over and over. However my personal experience has been that in the long run it doesn't really matter how long you have been single between relationships. I have seen some of the best marriages and healthiest relationships formed between two individuals who have just ended an LTR. I definitely do not believe in "rebounds". I think rebound is just a word made up by those of us who have been dumped and simply can't deal emotionally with their exes moving on. It's easier to think that our significant other has gotten involved with someone else to mask the pain, or there is something emotional wrong with them then to truthfully say “this person did not want to be with me and they found someone they want to be with more”.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree!!

Although I also think rebound isn't just word for those who have been dumped who can't handle their ex's new relationship, it is clear that some dumpees will jump straight into bed with someone else and then feel lonely and depressed because this new person isn't their ex, and their ex is all they want right now.

 

 

I guess the consensus is that if you don't take some time to yourself to contemplate you're bound to repeat the same mistakes over and over. However my personal experience has been that in the long run it doesn't really matter how long you have been single between relationships. I have seen some of the best marriages and healthiest relationships formed between two individuals who have just ended an LTR. I definitely do not believe in "rebounds". I think rebound is just a word made up by those of us who have been dumped and simply can't deal emotionally with their exes moving on. It's easier to think that our significant other has gotten involved with someone else to mask the pain, or there is something emotional wrong with them then to truthfully say “this person did not want to be with me and they found someone they want to be with more”.

[HeavenOrHell]

My take on it is this;

Ex left after 18 years a year ago, I was in bits for 6 months, would not have even looked at another man, felt dead inside, if I had dated/slept with someone else during that time it would have depressed the **** out of me even more cos I wanted HIM and it wouldn't be him. I tried to stay friends with him during that time but it wasn't until I went NC after 7 months that I started to let go, in those 7 months post break up, I grieved deeply, went through so many horrible emotions, constantly, cried every day. When I went NC I started to move on pretty quickly, he had feelings for someone else by then, so seeing him was more painful that stopping seeing him.

For the 6 months post break up I felt I wouldn't want to be with anyone again, I couldn't go through all that again. Then I met someone online going through the same thing and we got closer bit by bit. If I hadn't gone though those 6 or 7 months of 'hell' then I wouldn't have been ready emotionally to be with someone else. I got together with my new partner 9 months post break up.

I think a little too much emphasis is sometimes put on the 'you have to be 100% happy being single before you can be with someone else.' I don't go along with the idea the break up purely happened to teach us all about our weak points. Although I do agree we need to be happy with ourselves to a certain extent before going into a new relationship so that you are able to give and receive to each other and be as equal as possible. Relationships can and do work out even if the people don't like themselves much, it's not as if only 100% 'perfect' people are going to be the only ones in successful relationships!! Neither me nor my ex had much confidence but we were still capable of loving each other deeply and giving so much to each other for 18 years, I don't see us as failure for splitting, we lasted longer than most couples, we are good friends again now and meet each week. Humans are social animals and most of us are happiest when we have a loving partner and affection, someone to share our life with. I think that saying you are 100% happy alone would be pretending you're happy when you're not. I do know a small number of people who are truly happy single, actually out of all my friends only one chooses to be and I think that's cos she just finds it easier that way. I think the majority of people would not choose to be alone, and it's not cos society pressures us to have a partner, it's cos most of want/need to share our love and lives with someone, and as far as I am concerned, that is NOT a weakness!!

If your relationship ended because of some 'issues' with you, like you were too dependent on them or you have a drink problem or neglected them (the latter was my problem) then of course those problems need to be addressed as your next relationship will mostly likely not work out.

I've used my time alone to work on my confidence and mild agoraphobia and social anxiety too, these things didn't contribute to us splitting but you can become complacent in a LTR and these are things I want/ed to work on.

I am in an LDR now, which works well as it gives me time and space to do my own thing as well as the enjoyment being in a loving relationship brings.

And the mistake (neglect) I made in my last relationship I am learning to not do in my new one.

I am not happy being single, but this doesn't not mean I would be in a relationship with just anyone for the sake of it, ugh, I am too fussy for that anyway! I am an independent person and that was ultimately the reason my ex left-I had too much of a life of my own, had no time left for him the last few years, to quote 'I don't feel part of your life, I feel on the edge of it.'

You will know when you are ready to date again, don't let anyone else tell you when you are ready. If you would be looking for your ex in a new person then you're not ready, if you still want your ex back badly then IMO you're not ready, if you don't have a balanced life already and would be looking for someone to fulfil pretty much all your needs then that's not a good reason to be in a relationship, a new partner enhances your life but shouldn't be the be all and end all, but of course they should be important to you and vice versa

It is not a weakness to love and need someone, we want to feel loved and needed, that's what my ex said to me and I agree.

 

I'm starting to think the whole "if you date right away, you're needy, you don't cherish your life, and have no self worth" is a bunch of bullsh*t.

 

I don't hate my life. I don't hate having my own time. But I do have goals. And one of them is to have a family. The longer I sit here and think I still need to "recover", the further out the liklihood of me accomplishing that goal is. I'm not saying I'm trying to marry the next girl that walks in the door, but as they say "You can't hit a home run if you don't step up to the plate."

 

I'm sure the next response will be, "You can't hit a home run if you don't know how to swing the bat. You need to spend 5 years in the batting cages, and really get to love your Juggs machine. That way, you'll truly cherish the opportunity when you make it into the line-up."

 

People also say "Teachers teach, because they can't do."

[Phateless]

Honest question about the act of rapidly moving into another relationship after the ending of a previous LTR, and how many here (and elsewhere) frown upon it.

 

Is this really that big of a deal, or is this simply a mantra repeated by those that have limited prospects of lining up a new relationship, to make themselves feel better about being alone for months/years?

 

Flame away.

 

IMO, it just depends. I genuinely believe that without a little down-time to clear one's head after a relationship, there is a higher risk of bringing your previous baggage into the new one, comparing the two people, or attempting to pick up with the new one where you left off with the old one and just replace them.

 

The flipside is that our previous baggage comes into play even if we take years to clear our heads, so maybe it's a wash?

 

I think the most important thing is to be good to ourselves and not rush into anything. If you feel ready for another relationship, try it out. The best thing to do is communicate where you're at and if it's the right fit, the other person will be ok with taking it slow.

[starryeyed12]

I have seen some of the best marriages and healthiest relationships formed between two individuals who have just ended an LTR.

 

I think this is a misleading statement.

 

You may believe you have seen great marriages formed this way, and you certainly may have. However, IMO, you have also witnessed a rarity. Yes, it happens from time to time, but I think people who are capable of moving on so quickly and then formed a sucessful marriage, were A. lucky that the new relationship has worked itself to a good place and B. probably checked out of their former relationship long before the actual break up. Meaning, they had been moving on while still technically in a relationship with the other person.

 

In general, I still maintain that the high majority of us are bound to repeat the same patterns and attract the same problems if we try to jump back in before we are ready. The orinigal poster maintained that they feel as though they are wasting time and feel pressure to get married and have kids. There is no pressure. It is not a race.

 

I agree with Grayclouds and he said it more calmly than I (I think I'm reaching the anger part of my breakup...). Read what he saying over and over in his last post. Most people need to take their time, otherwise you run a very high risk of just becoming another statistic.

[A Hot Mess]

I can do anything I set my mind to. I teach because I care. Get it right or keep your unappreciative, ignorant quotes to your self.

 

Starry. I apologize if I offended you. I may have quoted you in my response (mostly for your "self worth" comment), but the statement about teachers wasn't directed at you. If you are in fact, a teacher, I doubly apologize.

 

More than anything, I think there are a few on here who have pretty strong opinions about what's what, and it being the only way that is right. Who knows if they read it from some book that conformed to their already existing feelings on the matter, or if they've even had more than 2 relationships in their life. I think people that are so strong-headed in their views, but have thousands of posts, have been here for an extended period of time, and act like they have their ***** together.. well, they're obviously not out living their life or doing all that they preach.

 

That's where the "teachers teach" comment came from. You obviously aren't in that category.. unless you really are a teacher.. and again.. my bad.

 

 

 

You p*ssed me off with that, but I will still tell you this: Why the h*ll do you want to throw your heart back into the gauntlet so soon? Have you learned nothing? Well, it certainly hasn't been for lack of good teachers...

 

Relationships are hard and messy and a lot of work. Even people who are in a good state of mind and have their sh*t together, have a rough time with them. The good ones don't just fall into your lap bc you decided to go on a date or two or five. You can't force it. Quit being a pansy to societal pressures that say you need a gf. You acting like that is a good reason that you're not ready.

 

I'm not saying I'm going to force anything. Like I said in my post, "I'm not saying I'm trying to marry the next girl that walks in the door". But I don't know how much good it's really doing me to wall myself off from the opposite sex because the rule book says I haven't waited the requisite number of months and therefore I'm not "ready".

 

Look, I'm not 19 (and haven't closed in on 40). I've had a number of LTRs. I've had lots of time to reflect and grow as a person between those. I think it's unfair to assume that a relationship failed because I wasn't some sort of "complete person" and that I now must strive for that. Perhaps my ex and I just weren't a good fit? Maybe she had an early mid-life crisis? Or it's possible she's scared of committment.

 

At any rate, just because the relationship ended, doesn't mean I should be scared of the possiblilty of having my heart broken or that I'm averse to doing the hard work a relationship requires. I'm open to those possibilities because I know the positive aspects that can be involved as well.

 

Again, from my second post in this thread, this is something I'm struggling with myself. I'm not saying I have the answers, but I wonder if the "right way" is really the correct path for me at this time.

[A Hot Mess]

In your own words you are saying being single is delaying you life, that articulates a value judgment that your life is not as good as if you were in a relationship. Your aggressiveness of that being pointed out suggest an insecurity in your position. Maybe you have hit the anger stage, if so congrats, its one of the better ones.

 

To continue your analogy of baseball, it simply about taking time to improving you ability and odds of hitting that home run. The better you know yourself, the better you understand your tendencies, the happier you are in the "batter box" alone the greater the odds that you get the result you are wanting.

 

It is called maturity, delayed gratification, building self-esteem not feed ego. It about believing in yourself enough to understand that spending time to learn to grow now will make your future more satisfying. To increase the chance your chance of not only fulfilling your goals but wanting them after you do. Reduce the chance of the family you want being a statistic:

 

• More the half of first marriages end in divorce.
  
• About 1/3 of children are living in single parent households.
  

Taking time to learn from your mistakes, to reevaluate your values, and become more self realized reduce pain in the future. For what work and pain you do not face now will come sneaking up on you in the future. It is the difference of facing this hard stuff at 25 rather then 40, is about not having this stuff ruin a 10 year long relationship, it about knowing how to take care of yourself if your goals do fall apart.

 

More then anything what type of person do you want in a relationship? A healthy individual who understand themselves, who chooses not needs to be with you, who spent time learning from their mistakes, found better ways to behave under stress, understand that delaid gratification is more rewarding then instant, does not substitute ego for self esteem and value value growing and working through problems?

 

Though a partner will only be attracted to someone who has too spent the effort to become that person.

 

Likes attract, so by all means swing away.

 

 

I honestly have no trouble envisioning why you're single.