DenverBachelor Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Is loving yourself first. I'm not sure if there is anything greater than that. If you're having problems with relationships, perhaps you have to look inward first and make changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Div Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Also knowing that you will be ok on your own. If i had this strength I would have left my unhealthy relationship a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Good thread, both posts are right on the money. I would also like to add keeping your independence is important. Having your own interests and life outside of the relationship and letting the relationship enhance your life not become your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 (edited) For my money, I'd choose a partner who has good relationship, communication, conflict resolution, coping, interpersonal and self-management skills. If he ALSO loves himself...bonus for him. But no matter how much he loves himself, if he can't actually DO relationships very well...not so good for me. Needless to add: Also that *I* need to bring a high level of all those skills to the table. My self-love and self-esteem and self-respect are NOT ENOUGH to maintain a healthy relationship -- I need to bring much more than just those. Edited July 13, 2010 by Ronni_W Link to post Share on other sites
EricaH329 Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Is loving yourself first. I'm not sure if there is anything greater than that. If you're having problems with relationships, perhaps you have to look inward first and make changes. Oh DB, I just can't get enough of your wisdom I truly couldn't agree more with you! Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 The first 3 posts are spot on and I've come to that realization recently. I'm 30 years old and all of my relationships have ended for various reasons, but I've come to believe the main reason is that I'm never happy with myself. I always depend on my girlfriend to make my life happy. Eventually, I realize that she can't and I get frustrated. From there the relationship crumbles and either I get broken up with or I break up with the girl. The buddhist monks don't have sexual relationships. They take all this emotional energy that we expell in loveshack and focus it towards other areas of their life. I only bring that up, because we should be able to find pure bliss without a significant other. The question is... how? I've established the problem, I know the solution. Now I'm trying to understand the steps to get there. I've never been religious at all, but I think it's the answer. Religious individuals surrender their worries and concerns to a higher power whereas I just blame myself. I think believing in something greater than yourself is the key to pure happiness. That something greater can be god, energy, life force, anything greater than you. Working out the gym or having a great job will never give you pure bliss. I could be wrong, but I think I'm the right track. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 The beautiful thing about Buddhism is their belief in impermanence. I think this is especially handy when dealing with a breakup. It’s helped me a lot with mine. I was always looking for that sure thing, that forever person until I started reading some Buddhist text and realized I’m actually sabotaging my relationships by trying to make them permanent. If you learn to enjoy the moment and know that in a split second it will change and that nothing ever stays permanent, including people and relationships, you learn to relax within your partnership. It eliminates a lot of feelings of possessiveness and jealousy and abandonment fears. I also do not practice any organized religion but I agree with a lot of Buddhist and Hindu philosophy. Link to post Share on other sites
Dressagechick Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Is loving yourself first. I'm not sure if there is anything greater than that. If you're having problems with relationships, perhaps you have to look inward first and make changes. I'm new to LS, but I agree. "You can't give away what you don't have in the first place," and that includes love for yourself or others. That said, one of the things I've learned about love (and loss) is that it is important - perhaps imperative - to find someone who also has that degree of self-awareness and, ultimately, self-love as well. That is not to say that it should be in a narcissistic way (that's where the self-awareness comes in), but just that I've found that some people seem to treat love like a commodity, which can be given and taken away at will - as if there is only so much to go around. It is not, I don't think, a zero-sum game. Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 The beautiful thing about Buddhism is their belief in impermanence. I think this is especially handy when dealing with a breakup. It’s helped me a lot with mine. I was always looking for that sure thing, that forever person until I started reading some Buddhist text and realized I’m actually sabotaging my relationships by trying to make them permanent. If you learn to enjoy the moment and know that in a split second it will change and that nothing ever stays permanent, including people and relationships, you learn to relax within your partnership. It eliminates a lot of feelings of possessiveness and jealousy and abandonment fears. I also do not practice any organized religion but I agree with a lot of Buddhist and Hindu philosophy. I truly wish I could adopt this philosopy. I think for most people, in theory it works, but pretty difficult to actually practice. Breakups make it hard especially, but I even find it while dating. For example, sometimes when I am in the early stages of dating/relationship with someone I really like, I find myself always evaluating things and wondering if we are the same page, what are their feelings are - basically trying to cement some emotional security that it will go somewhere and I'm not wasting my time. So, I spend far too much mental energy on thinking about these things, rather than simply enjoying the moment and not worrying if we'll still be dating in a week, or a month. I wish I knew how to just let go of the analysis and just truly embrace the fact that nothing is truly permanent and relax. If you figure out how out how to do it, I'd love know! Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysConflicted Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 If you figure out how out how to do it, I'd love know! The funny thing about this statement is that it's a paradox. Those on the path towards enlightment won't speak about it. And those who reach enlightment won't be able to explain it to another person. I think it was Millman who said, life is a training ground for souls. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I'm new to LS, but I agree. "You can't give away what you don't have in the first place," and that includes love for yourself or others. That said, one of the things I've learned about love (and loss) is that it is important - perhaps imperative - to find someone who also has that degree of self-awareness and, ultimately, self-love as well. That is not to say that it should be in a narcissistic way (that's where the self-awareness comes in), but just that I've found that some people seem to treat love like a commodity, which can be given and taken away at will - as if there is only so much to go around. It is not, I don't think, a zero-sum game. This is a very fine first post, DC. I am impressed! Got to say, though, AlwaysConflicted, I disagree with most of your thinking, here. For me, discovering how much I contribute, indeed, choose my state of mind was the most empowering knowledge I have discovered and has lead to the greatest fulfillment. Ee-oop, I'm gonna post a link to my own thread (how egotistical! ): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233232/ Lastly, and more generally, I know that the fear of lonliness is more painful than actually living with it. If you can, trust me on this one. x Link to post Share on other sites
Dressagechick Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Thank you, Mick! I agree that discovering what we contribute is important as well. As I said to the ex when he was being - well - not so nifty with respect to the "break" or "breakup" (it was all very vague really): "EVENTS REVEAL PEOPLE’S CHARACTER; THEY DON’T DETERMINE THEM. If two people are hit by a bus and crippled for life, one will become a bitter shut-in; the other, the kind of warm, outgoing person (cheerful despite everything) whom everyone loves to be with. It’s not about the bus, and a dreadful childhood is no excuse. You have the chance to be the person you wish to be, until you die." Even though, in this case, I was the dumpee, I surely had a choice, and I took it. It's pretty easy to love someone that's being loveable; it's a whole lot harder to love someone that's being rather unloveable. And the truth of the matter is that the latter is more significant than the former. So I chose the latter and then went NC and have stayed so. Just because you have to let someone go does not mean that you can't do it lovingly - owning what you need to own, and not taking on what you don't need to own. Goes for whether you are the dumper or the dumpee. And, really, with respect to self-love, it causes me no harm to do so because love is not of a finite quantity. Link to post Share on other sites
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