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SP's coping log


shadowplay

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I hope this will help me chart my progress in some way.

 

It's been 8 days since the breakup.

 

I'm not doing too well today.

 

The first few days were hell, but I managed to at least get stuff done that I needed to in the rest of my life.

 

**** hit the fan when I got back to school and saw him in class (three times, one of which he has to give me a ride because there's no way of me getting there on my own since I don't have a car.)

 

Once I saw him my emotions were up and down, and I kind of lost my focus. He kept offering me breadcrumbs, and then retracting...and I spent way too much time trying to beg him back. We even slept together twice, which was terrible the second time around. :( That was last night.

 

I woke up feeling miserable this morning. Right now I'm just trying to build my self esteem, move on with my life and get my work done.

 

It's hard as hell. I think about him constantly, and when I'm not I beat up on myself about not being smart, good, whatever enough. The most desolate thoughts are being alone for the rest of my life and unable to take care of myself and succeed without somebody else's support. I think that's the basic problem. I lack independence and confidence.

 

Twice this week I saw the boyfriend I had dated before this most recent ex and hung out at his place for a few hours. The first time (Monday) I felt like was on the verge of losing it, and being with someone else was all that would calm me down. He was the one who contacted me, and I had misgivings, but I thought it might take away some of the pain. In the short term it helped distract me a bit from the loneliness, but ultimately it didn't help much and made me feel weaker. We didn't have sex or really talk much, just hung out in the same room and did our work. I have no feelings for him, and him for me, so we were just using each other as emotional crutches. It felt icky, since I kind of despise him. For the record, I have zero desire to get back together with him. This breakup really killed any residual feelings I ever had for that douche, which is why it was pathetic that I used him for company..

 

I need to stop doing things like this that lower my self esteem and have faith that I can build confidence if I make the right choices, even if the feeling isn't immediate. I'll report back on my progress. Unfortunately NC isn't an option because I see my ex in classes and we're even doing a project together, but I will keep it to a strict minimum and no more relationship talk.

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I feel resolute tonight to never contact him again, aside from the amount of time we need to talk over a project in class. The only instance in which I would ever consider re-engaging with him is if he came to me begging for forgiveness, with a reasonable list of what he was going to change to make it work, and he had already made some progress on improving himself. I know that's never going to happen, so it's moot.

 

Man, I just wish I hadn't acted like so impulsively this week. What I wouldn't give to go back in time a few days and regain that sense of pride.

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Day 1 of no contact. I last spoke to him very briefly yesterday morning over the phone to apologize for the night before, which was a mistake. I shouldn't be apologizing to him or even contacting him at this point.

 

Continuing to focus on getting my life in order, but it's hard because I still think about him 90% of the time. I'm scared that it will take me forever to get to the place where he no longer enters my thoughts on a regular basis. I guess I'm beating myself up for the length of time I'm anticipating it will take me to heal from this. Is this normal? I mean our relationship was extremely close and loving, but it was only 4 months long. I keep thinking about how he's already mostly moved on from me, and I wonder if this means I'm weaker than he is. That in itself makes me feel abandoned again, but this time in my own pain. I want so badly to let go.

 

I continue to do good things for myself, but my mind isn't cooperating yet.

 

I guess all I can and will do is keep my faith that this will get better, I'll heal and move on, and I'll be stronger in the end.

 

My ultimate goal is to be happy with my life and feel happy that relationship ended. I hope the day comes when even if he contacted me and tried to get back together, I would be indifferent.

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Day 1 of no contact. I last spoke to him very briefly yesterday morning over the phone to apologize for the night before, which was a mistake. I shouldn't be apologizing to him or even contacting him at this point.

 

Continuing to focus on getting my life in order, but it's hard because I still think about him 90% of the time. I'm scared that it will take me forever to get to the place where he no longer enters my thoughts on a regular basis. I guess I'm beating myself up for the length of time I'm anticipating it will take me to heal from this. Is this normal? I mean our relationship was extremely close and loving, but it was only 4 months long. I keep thinking about how he's already mostly moved on from me, and I wonder if this means I'm weaker than he is. That in itself makes me feel abandoned again, but this time in my own pain. I want so badly to let go.

 

I continue to do good things for myself, but my mind isn't cooperating yet.

 

I guess all I can and will do is keep my faith that this will get better, I'll heal and move on, and I'll be stronger in the end.

 

My ultimate goal is to be happy with my life and feel happy that relationship ended. I hope the day comes when even if he contacted me and tried to get back together, I would be indifferent.

 

There is no timeline to heal, whether it was a 4 month relationship or 4 years. everyone is different. I can tell you that, if you stick to NC, you will get better over the coming weeks. He'll occupy a little less time each day, although it will be hard to notice, it will happen.

 

Be good to yourself, treat yourself to things you like and realize that you deserve better

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On your end, not on his.

 

No, even if he acknowledges that we really did. He maintains that it had to do with his crippling anxiety about my well being.

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No, even if he acknowledges that we really did. He maintains that it had to do with his crippling anxiety about my well being.

 

Okay, Shadow. Continue telling yourself that. This is a guy who literally flipped a switch, who each time you are physically intimate degrades and disrespects you and tells you he feels less and less and less for you.

 

For him, that wasn't love. That wasn't a connection. It was infatuation and lust. Nothing more.

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Okay, Shadow. Continue telling yourself that. This is a guy who literally flipped a switch, who each time you are physically intimate degrades and disrespects you and tells you he feels less and less and less for you.

 

For him, that wasn't love. That wasn't a connection. It was infatuation and lust. Nothing more.

 

I don't disagree with you that most of it may have been infatuation on his end, but I also don't think human psychology is always that simple. He may have felt a connection, albeit a less deep one that I did, but I think other drives/emotions overrode it. I suspect the connection was there for him, but it wasn't strong enough.

 

That's why it's always hard when a relationship ends, unless it's a truly toxic one. Even if it wasn't meant to be, there were often very good aspects, sometimes a number of them. It's hard to let those good things go, but so be it.

 

For me this has been the most painful breakup I've had, and I believe it's because there was so many good aspects to our relationship that I will miss.

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threebyfate

shadow, I have no doubt there was a connection. To what depth of connection appears to vary per side. What the composition of that connection will also be subjective.

 

Rather than focus on the positives, focus on the negatives. At the end of the day, something went wrong. So why were you incompatible?

 

Try to step back from your emotions and analyze what went wrong. Own what you're responsible for without killing your self-esteem, as well as pass onto him in your minds eye (don't do it for real since you need to maintain distance) what belongs to him.

 

For certain he owns a chunk of this and so do you.

 

I've always thought that people who own everything, are only doing so due to control issues. I've yet to see anything that refutes this.

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To what depth of connection appears to vary per side.

 

Rather than focus on the positives, focus on the negatives.

 

That's what I'm saying... In order to get over a relationship, Shadow, you just can't focus on the positives. You just can't.

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Blah. I'm doing my work, but I miss him so much. I have this overpowering desire to message him and chat. I know he would respond, but it's a really bad idea. Somebody talk me out of it. :(

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It feels like he died. It still feels like a nightmare, not being able to contact somebody I was so close to.

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Go ahead and contact him. And then let us all know how you feel afterward. You'll feel low and weak and foolish. If that's how you want to feel, then all you have to do is send a quick message.

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Go ahead and contact him. And then let us all know how you feel afterward. You'll feel low and weak and foolish. If that's how you want to feel, then all you have to do is send a quick message.

 

OK, I talked myself out of it.

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Just did an ex purge. I had been holding off on it, but I realized it was allowing me to cling to a shred of hope. I deleted him from facebook, deleted all of our chat history, emails, his photos, his number from my phone, anything I could find that has any trace of him. I feel pretty good after doing this. I hope it helps.

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Just did an ex purge. I had been holding off on it, but I realized it was allowing me to cling to a shred of hope. I deleted him from facebook, deleted all of our chat history, emails, his photos, his number from my phone, anything I could find that has any trace of him. I feel pretty good after doing this. I hope it helps.

 

That's an awesome step, SP! It's a hard one to do, but once you hit that delete button, it's pretty freeing.

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Just did an ex purge. I had been holding off on it, but I realized it was allowing me to cling to a shred of hope. I deleted him from facebook, deleted all of our chat history, emails, his photos, his number from my phone, anything I could find that has any trace of him. I feel pretty good after doing this. I hope it helps.

 

Good job!!! :bunny:

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Goddamnit! I fcked up again. I had to meet my ex today to get another file from his computer for something I'm working on due tomorrow. There was no way around this. Believe me, I didn't want to. I had it all planned so the meeting could be as brief and pain-free as possible. We met in a crowded cafe, and I was there early working on my computer so he wouldn't feel tempted to sit down and start chatting.

 

Well he came and had already ordered food which he brought to the table and started trying to chat with me. He finished the food and then still didn't leave. I didn't know what to say to get him to go. I knew he was only chatting with me because he felt guilty about just getting up and leaving, but I didn't know how to communicate that was perfectly fine. I tried giving him brief answers and looking at my computer, hoping he'd get the message. Didn't work. Finally, I gave in and started talking with him and the conversation drifted again back to the relationship. Before I knew it I was begging again. It's like my brain and mouth were totally disconnected. I couldn't believe what I was doing. That lasted awhile and then we parted ways.

 

WTF. I feel like I have no control over my impulses, and I'm fine until I see him...at which point I just break down again.

 

Any advice on this? :mad:

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Goddamnit! I fcked up again. I had to meet my ex today to get another file from his computer for something I'm working on due tomorrow. There was no way around this. Believe me, I didn't want to. I had it all planned so the meeting could be as brief and pain-free as possible. We met in a crowded cafe, and I was there early working on my computer so he wouldn't feel tempted to sit down and start chatting.

 

Well he came and had already ordered food which he brought to the table and started trying to chat with me. He finished the food and then still didn't leave. I didn't know what to say to get him to go. I knew he was only chatting with me because he felt guilty about just getting up and leaving, but I didn't know how to communicate that was perfectly fine. I tried giving him brief answers and looking at my computer, hoping he'd get the message. Didn't work. Finally, I gave in and started talking with him and the conversation drifted again back to the relationship. Before I knew it I was begging again. It's like my brain and mouth were totally disconnected. I couldn't believe what I was doing. That lasted awhile and then we parted ways.

 

WTF. I feel like I have no control over my impulses, and I'm fine until I see him...at which point I just break down again.

 

Any advice on this? :mad:

 

couldn't he email it to you?

 

the advice is stop talking to him, i know that's plain and simple, but if you need to see him for class , just stick the the info about class and move on.

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I need to stop doing things like this that lower my self esteem ...

i would tend to agree

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couldn't he email it to you?

 

the advice is stop talking to him, i know that's plain and simple, but if you need to see him for class , just stick the the info about class and move on.

 

Nah, I really didn't have a choice. It was a really big file, so he couldn't email it to me. I wish I could have waited until class tomorrow, but it was something I needed to work on tonight. Blah. I hope I'm not in a situation like that again.

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NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC

 

Why was the file only on his computer? Don't you keep backups on your own computer or on a USB drive? Thats a little risky isn't it? What if he had deleted it?

 

Its just another excuse to see him Shadow- you need to eliminate EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE REASON there could be to contact him.

Get your stuff back, (or forget about it) get all the files/data/ whatever and delete his contact details from your browser.

 

Part of me thinks you are enjoying the drama. I know its tough, but you are young, there is no reason you are going to be alone "forever" after this.

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NC NC NC NC NC NC NC NC

 

Why was the file only on his computer? Don't you keep backups on your own computer or on a USB drive? Thats a little risky isn't it? What if he had deleted it?

 

Its just another excuse to see him Shadow- you need to eliminate EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE REASON there could be to contact him.

Get your stuff back, (or forget about it) get all the files/data/ whatever and delete his contact details from your browser.

 

Part of me thinks you are enjoying the drama. I know its tough, but you are young, there is no reason you are going to be alone "forever" after this.

 

I know you guys won't believe me, but I swear to God I wasn't looking for a reason to see him. He had transferred some files to my computer earlier in the week and forgot to do that one.

 

At 26, I'm not that young. I feel like I only have a window of a few years to find somebody I'm compatible with, and given my luck, who knows if that will happen. :( Bear in mind guys rarely, rarely ask me out. I haven't been asked on a date in like 3 years. With my most recent ex I had to do the asking.

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26 is still young in the grand scheme of things. People meet partners at all sorts of ages.

My grandmother had a boyfriend when she was in her 70s.

I met my husband on my 29th birthday.

I have friends who are happily single at 32.

 

Focus on school- thats the most important thing in your life right now.

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