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Rearden Metal

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Rearden Metal

Hey all,

 

I hope this is the appropriate forum for this. I'm just going to use this thread as an outlet to get my thoughts down "on paper"... my hopes are that I can go back and see progress from the low spot I'm in currently.

Today is day 5 without speaking to my ex. We broke it off on New Years Day (ouch), took a month off from seeing each other but still texted almost daily. We went on a few dates that were nice, mostly lunches and one movie. Some days it looked like reconciliation might occur...then she would become distant.

 

Eventually, her lack of effort to discuss anything meaningful with me got the best of me and I told her that "friends" doesn't work for me. She fought with me, telling me she wanted me in her life, didn't want to lose me, and that she just needed space and time to sort her life out.

 

But, at the same time, she didn't want me to see anyone else. She was possessive and jealous and would lash out at me if she thought I was talking to other girls (I wasn't, which makes it worse because she simply won't believe me).

 

5 days ago I blocked her on Facebook, AIM and told her I wasn't comfortable being friends. I told her she can just assume I'm going to see other girls because she's assuming it anyway (I have no desire to, but what else am I supposed to say?)... and I cut contact on Tuesday.

 

She dialed me up on a Restricted number on Wednesday night but didn't speak. I know it was her because I've never rec'd a restricted call in my life. Since then, nothing. Yesterday, I saw her new profile on an online dating site. I made one of my own, and sent her a short message saying that "I'm sorry that things haven't worked for us. Maybe down the road things will be different. Love, me'.

 

And now, I have to turn my focus to me. I've spent all morning sobbing and watching crappy movies. I cried out her name several times and I'm hurting very badly. But it's not on me anymore. There's a LOT of things I'd need to hear from her to even consider reconciliation. Things that she's not even started to show ANY interest in talking about. So my hope is low at this point.

 

It's likely that she just plain doesn't love me. That she's had an attachment to me for a lot of reasons, but never really did fall in love with me. It hurts to admit that "out loud", but I just never got much out of her... it was like pulling teeth to have her open up to me.

 

So it goes. Time for a shower...

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Rearden Metal

I have a great friend who has helped me through the last week. Last night he asked me to write a letter as if it were him writing it to me, but I was him. What would I say? This is what I wrote:

 

Hey man,

 

Check it out. I know why you're stuck on YYY. I get it. The excitement she created in your life at a time when you were down and out. The great sex you shared, the intimacy and the friendship. And the fact that she appeared to accept you for you even when she knew the worst parts of your life. It's plain to see that you love her and that you're very attached. And I believe you when you talk about redeeming yourself and fixing things up between you two.

 

But man, it's not gonna happen. Not the way she is right now, and not without her coming to her own conclusions about you, herself, and you and her together. She needs to grow, experience adulthood and independance... and probably she needs to see other dudes. And then she'll compare them to you. Most likely, they won't stack up. How can they, you're the man!

 

Look, love ain't enough. You've also got to have maturity, affection, compassion, and a whole lot of intangible things have to go right for two people to make it.

 

Also, look at the facts. The girl stalks you, even in break-up. She hasn't treated you well in...well... like months and months. She's moody and bitchy and takes out her frustrations on you. And she flagellates you to death over things that happened in a relationship that wasn't even with her, with things that happened almost 7 years ago now. The only way this thing could work is if she was able to forgive you, love you wholly and become a positive force in your life. So far, I've seen very little positives come out of your having met her, except that now you seem to be aware and ready to grow.

 

So grow, brutha! You got a lot to give and there's a ton of good gals out there who want to treat a man well. Go out there and find your mojo again! You never know man, YYY might do some growing of her own, and come around again. If so, I hope you're both in a better place and if you end up giving it another try, I hope you keep your dignity, your manhood and don't let her get you down on yourself ever again. That **** just ain't worth it!

 

Take care brutha,

Edited by Rearden Metal
editing out names
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Rearden Metal

Sunday night, watching the USA/Canada Gold medal game, what a game!

 

Well, today has been an all day affair thinking about my ex. Some moments I am self respecting and thinking about how much healthier and happier I'm going to be soon when I can move on... but also I've been thinking about all the angles, positives, negatives that she and I have gone through together.

 

I hope she breaks down this week and contacts me. I'd like to be able to take a position of strength when she does. Offer to attend counselling together, but otherwise be disinterested in small talk. Show that I'm serious but only if she's putting her half in.

 

But I'm prepared for the likelyhood of her instead not contacting me at all. I think that fits her M.O. just as easily. When someone isn't playing by her rules, she cuts them off and moves on. It's uncanny really.

 

But a man can hope... meh... LOL.

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Rearden Metal

Day 6 NC-

 

Hard to sleep last night. Woke up once and got online and wasted time. Made a list of positive things I need to do today and this week. I'll have to work hard to stick to the list.

 

She hasn't read or replied to the mail I sent her on the dating site. Either she hasn't logged on (wishful thinking, not likely) or she's seen my note and has decided not to open it. She hasn't logged into AIM in 3 days, and hasn't blocked me from anything (which is a bit abnormal, when she's upset or over someone, she BLOCKS).

 

But that's as far as I'm willing to speculate. The desire to reach out to her is still strong, but I can't see an upside in doing so. I need to wait this out and get on with my life. If she comes around, I need to be ready for it, also. I need to know what to say to her and be prepared to have her not like it.

 

Ok, I'm gonna make myself a nice big omelette, and start working. Thanks for reading guys. Anyone wants to drop encouragement or comments I'd be greatful. But it's not necessary, just writing here is a bit helpful.

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Rearden Metal

Awww thanks so much Wendigo :)

 

Yes, there are similarities. I remember trying to pull her close and cuddle through a movie and she was not really having it. I asked her why she couldn't show just a little more affection and she said "It's just not me, maybe you don't like me but the thought of me". Bullsh*t. When we met and I was the one who was distant, she'd entwine our legs and put her head on my chest. Just the thing to get me loving her.

 

Mornings are bad, yeah. But nights are bad, too. Yesterday I made a checklist and I'm already 3/4 through it. I've done most of my days work already, made an apt with a therapist for Wednesday and started searching for part time work.

 

After the gym today, I'm going to start on a painting that I've been envisioning for weeks. I haven't painted in 12 years. It's time.

 

Then, I'm going to look for some community service work, a book discussion club, some social activity. I feel better knowing that I'm going to fulfill my personal obligations to MYSELF that I let slip for SO many years...

 

Hang in there, Wendigo. I'd die to meet a girl like you... :)

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Rearden Metal

Email convo with my main man. It's GREAT to have friends.

 

me to him:

 

Nah, doesn't take a big man. Takes a big man to actually address his issues. Something I've not done in years. I just really have to put myself back on the winning track. Man, if you saw me in my mid to late twenties... dude I was jacked, semi rich for a self made kid, had a great woman and tons going for me. Fact is, if I get back to THAT guy, YYY or any other girl would look at me and DIE to get a date.

 

So that's what I gotta do. I gotta start hitting homeruns again.

 

His reply:

 

you ARE that guy. You're you. I make more than 30k more than when I was seeing ZZZ 2 years ago. 15k a year bumps is not too bad- If she heard about it and wanted to get back on the winning team- I would tell her to screw.

It aint about the money- it aint about the looks (well maybe a LITTLE) it's about who you are. Everything else just falls into place

 

My reply to him, and EXACTLY how I'm feeling today:

 

I'm NOT that guy. Not even close. I'm telling you, I used to train so hard my nose bled. I'd throw up on the way home every leg day. My ex-wife had to drive because my legs didn't work. I ate NOTHING that didn't make me bigger/better. I worked crazy hours and kicked mortal ass all day every day. And I f**ked like a stallion...

 

Now I'm sitting here emasculated by an (edited) lb, 5' tall, lazy, manipulative, irrational, slutty little bitch. The old me would have kicked her straight in the c*nt in the second week when she started up with her bull****.

 

So no, I'm not that guy. But I'm f**king gonna be. I've fu**ing had ENOUGH of this bulls**t. I've been a pu**y since like 07. Deferring to my ex wife and letting her run my sh*t, then letting her run off with my buddy, then sitting in Worcester and rotting, then letting YYY fu**ing OWN me. NOPE, not anymore. Fu****kk that.

 

Sorry about the language LSers. Sometimes cursing is better than descriptive adjectives!

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Rearden Metal

Horiscope today:

 

It's said that you can't change the past, but you can change what it means by rethinking the significance of your experiences. Instead of worrying about the way things might have been, think about how things are and how you give meaning to the events of the past. You might just find an answer to something vexing you today.

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Rearden Metal

Had the worst dream... a friend from college I recently reconnected with, and whom lives 3 miles from my ex... was her rebound. I was sick and they came to visit me, she stayed in the car. He tried to talk nice but I figured it out.

 

I don't even want to write out the dream, now.

 

LSers were right, writing the letter maybe wasn't a bright idea. Because now she's NCing me, and that's soooooo not her style. For her to do that, it means she's being really strong, also not her style. Or, that she doesn't care. That fits better with her M.O.

 

Either way, it sucks. I miss my girl and I want to talk to her.

 

I have counselling in 2 hours. Hopefully I get through it without sobbing the whole time. That would be nice.

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Rearden Metal

Oh, and this is 8 days without speaking to her. I've filled the days, but they've been desolate.

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Rearden Metal

Day 9-

 

I'm a vagina. This much is clear. I had dreams ALL night about her, first just her in the dreams, then her having sex with other men, then her in the supermarket with a man. I confronted her and him and I looked stupid. I "blacked out" like I do in dreams, then ran out of the store and to my car. She was sitting in my car. I got in, and she pulled out a bottle of perfume I had never seen before.

 

"Found this in our luggage when we were on vacation."

 

I told her I'd never seen it, that our bags must have been handled improperly. She didn't believe me. Just like in real life, when she'd accuse me of something I didn't do, I'd deny and she'd not believe me.

 

I'm feeling down now. I reinstalled some software onto my comp that I am virus-proofing, and of course my AIM pops up that I haven't been on in a week. It auto starts, her name is the only one online, it's 6AM, I hover over her name, it says "online 5 hrs 4 minutes"... She logged on at 1am. She is never awake that late. Ugh.

 

I deleted her name from AIM so I can't see her online. Now I can't see her anywhere on the internet without putting in some effort.

 

I hate this sh*t...

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Rearden Metal

Today has been a long, lonely day. I work in my family business, a 5 person operation. My parents are on vacation in Puerto Rico, the office manager was out today and our other Rep is on the road. I kept the TV on all day so that I could hear noises while I worked.

 

This morning I also got news that one of my best friends was admitted to the hospital with chest pains and other heart attack symptoms. EKG showed abnormalities, but no heart attack. Other tests showed he was OK and the incident is being chalked up to an anomaly. He's my age, 32 years old. Scares the living sh*t out of me.

 

Anyway, I'm trying to stay busy. Tomorrow I'm going to my buddy's place to go out and drink and see if we can meet some girls. I'll put a solid effort into the former and a half-ass effort into the latter, LOL.

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Rearden Metal

Hey errybody,

 

Went out with my good friend last night. Stopped by to see some other friends and ended up having sushi with a group of ppl...

 

Unfortunately, the anger/resentment stage started for me. I've been wavering between sad/depressed, then calmer/hopeful, but now I seem to have added angry/resentful. So I'm a nice soup of f**k you at the moment :(

 

Last night at dinner, my buddy and I (36 and 32) had dinner with two girls (20 and 22)... yes I know, such dogs...

 

Despite getting hit on and such, I just wasn't feeling it. Especially because one of the girls had some weird insecurities that played out as her acting like a diva or something. She and I didn't mesh well AT ALL.

 

We ended up splitting up the group and my buddy and I went out for drinks, then ended up playing pool at a club because we're both just not feeling the barhopping/bullsh*tting with girls thing.

 

So, basically, Days 10 and 11 of NC have kinda sucked. Despite hanging out with people and being social, I've been an angry mess. I'm gonna go eat a pint of Ice Cream and cry myself to sleep. Night!

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Rearden Metal

I've been up 2 hours but can't seem to get out of bed. This dumb girl won't get out of my head. Predominating thought is that she's A.) banging someone else and B.) couldn't be bothered to talk to me.

 

And the thing that's annoying me the most is that I know that when/if she does call me, I'm not going to hear anything I need to hear from her. So it's almost like I should just ignore the contact and live in my black hole by myself.

 

No plans for today. Therapy tomorrow. Important meeting Wednesday for work. That's about all I have going on. So I'll hit the gym hard and try to keep busy with projects...

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Rearden Metal

So yeah I've got other threads but I'm gonna keep this one open too.

 

Today has been interesting. I've felt a lot better the last few days, even with the pathetic short contact that occurred with my ex. I'm not expecting to hear from her, and definitely if I do not expecting it to be a meaningful message, but I think I'm ok with that right now.

 

The last two weeks have been hard. But therapy is definitely helping me emotionally. Still, today I was less than impressive. I didn't work very hard, haven't started drawing the picture I resolved to start drawing last week, and have been on the computer either on here or talking to others all day. I did go to the gym though and got a great workout. Also have stuck to my diet and am pretty close to the abs coming out ;)

 

So anyway, I guess this is day 1 of NC again. LOL. What total foolishness this is.

 

Special thanks to Northstar1, sean0923094820 or whatever the numbers are, nowomannocry, unsaved, Fouts and sativo. Others of course I'm missing, you all are very helpful!

 

I'll be on here for a bit, eat dinner and hopefully start drawing soon!

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Rearden Metal

Hello LSers :)

 

I'm feeling better everyday. I know that I'm respecting myself more and that's putting me more at ease. I need to get uber motivated for work because I've been slacking some.

 

Ex took her profile down off the dating site. She's made some half-hearted attempts to contact me which have been met with my request for her to call me. She hasn't, so I'm not going to speculate too much about why. I feel pretty comfortable that she's working on herself and I'm doing the same, which is an optimistic view.

 

Something that gets lost in the stories that we tell is that those of us who really love our exes really and truly want what's best for them. The fact that we must back off and allow them to work that out themselves is painful, but it's necessary. But the hope is that they truly do find what's best for themselves and lead a happy, fulfilled life. I know that's how I feel about my ex wife, and that's how I feel about my current ex.

 

Work time. Since I work from a home office, that means I must kick my own azz!!!

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Rearden Metal

God give me the strength to put this woman out of my life forever. Please let her never contact me again... I need her to disappear...

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God give me the strength to put this woman out of my life forever. Please let her never contact me again... I need her to disappear...

 

You have the strength man. It starts with not contacting her, or replying to contact. It's all about you, and you are going to have a happy life without this chick. Today is day 1 of Rearden's new life, so what are you going to do ?

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Rearden Metal
You have the strength man. It starts with not contacting her, or replying to contact. It's all about you, and you are going to have a happy life without this chick. Today is day 1 of Rearden's new life, so what are you going to do ?

 

I'll tell you when I'm done sobbing like a 2 year old.

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Rearden Metal

Bad dreams all night. Nightmares, just like she is. I hope she vanishes of the face of the planet.

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nowomanocry
Bad dreams all night. Nightmares, just like she is. I hope she vanishes of the face of the planet.

 

Hey Rearden

 

If you don't stop that crap I will whoop ur azz dude lol

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I've gone exactly the same things with you. It has been over two weeks since I knew that he cheated on me with many different women.

 

I've always determined to let go and break it off.

 

It just hurts me like hell every single day.

 

I could not sleep, eat, or focus on anything.

 

Every morning, I woke up pretty early after a short nap, I felt the heart broken inside. I felt like I could not breath anymore.

 

Every day passes by, I feel like ****. I hate him but also miss him terribly.

 

I just cant remember how many nights I've cried and terribly hurt inside.

 

I told myself to be strong and to move on...

 

I miss him, body and soul ....

 

Two days ago, I thought i was stepping forward (feeling more positive and missed him less) but today, ****ty feelings come back again and the song "Need You Now" seems to cooperate to kill me off.

 

I dont want to be with him or any future with him but at this moment, it just hurts like hell.

 

But I always believe that in a couple of months, when I look back, I must laugh my ass off for being miserable and sad abou this *******

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nowomanocry
Ha you'll have all you can handle. I'm a strong MFer and I'm none to happy these days :p

 

I know lol -can see that

 

You'll get there dontcha worry mate ;);)

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