I ran into the Ex on FB and now I am having strong feelings again

[Chris777]

I feel pretty lame about this, but its happening , and I can't figure out why.

 

A few years after my divorce (97) I ended up meeting a girl online and entered one of those stupid LD but never meet things. It lasted like 4 or 5 years.

 

Well we finally decided that given our situations (I had custody of my kid, and medical issues so I could not just up and quit my job and move) (She was younger than I was originally told, but by the time I found out she was almost legal, and had college)

 

I was hurt pretty bad when after getting the "I don't know if I will ever get over you" speech from her, she got into another relationship in less than a month.

 

But we lost touch and I guess I thought I would never see her again, and given the distance it wouldn't have worked out or whatever.

 

Its been like 5 or 6 years, since we lost touch.

 

Well we ran into each other on FB, and for the life of me all my feelings have come rushing back. She is involved with someone for several years, and we have sort of caught up on whats gone down.

 

I am single, have been pretty much other than out online thing ever since my divorce. I am disabled and have health problems. So I have all but given up on dating because of all my mess.

 

Is this anything but some sort of fluke? Am I really having feelings, or Am I just reminiscing, and lonely?

 

It is pretty messed up I also ran across an old HS flame and felt nothing.

But my ex girlfriend, has just thrown me for a loop.

 

I am also not sure how to deal with this. I don't want to cause trouble, but I hate lying and all that jazz.

 

I thought I was done with all of this, after the break up, but now its like I have had years erased, I know its stupid, I just cant figure it out, or what I need to do to deal with the situation.

 

Any ideas or suggestions?

[health]

Tough situation. She is unavailable though. I would say start dating again locally.

[Chris777]

I guess I am trying to figure out why I am feeling this I guess.

 

I know at least logically that she is and has been unavailable, but then I guess its partly seeing her again. Just cant believe I am feeling like this over something that ended years ago.

[Ronni_W]

Am I really having feelings, or Am I just reminiscing, and lonely?

Well, yes...you really are having those feelings. And yes, the source could be feeling lonely, recalling fond memories of her, having minimal hope for future dating prospects, experiencing some depression, etc., etc.

 

I wouldn't say it is "stupid". Sounds more like you may not have done the loss, grieving and healing work after your relationship with her ended 6 years ago. Time to do that now, yes?

Free, online version of 'How to Survive the Loss of a Love' here: mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm

I would suggest that you stop all forms of communication with her as part of you working towards getting over her once and for all.

 

And then you might want to see what you need to do about getting yourself as mentally, emotionally and physically fit and healthy as your current condition(s) allow. People who are disabled or have serious health problems can and do lead active and rewarding lives, including social and dating.

 

Start a blog or a website (try GoogleSites or some other free service.) Learn SEO and optimize your site and blog to earn revenue from Adsense. Write about your life experiences, offer tips on how to survive and thrive with your specific disability and health condition(s), sell your ebooks through your blog, your site and other online sources. Start a local support group. Organize outings, book or movie club meetings, SEO workshops (once you've mastered SEO )

 

While you may have some limitations, I would caution to not live BELOW your personal highest potential -- daily or as often as you can, test yourself in small ways with the goal of amazing yourself by accomplishing things you thought were "impossible" for you.

 

It may feel like a "mess" right now...but it does not have to stay at this exact level of mess. Usually one can find room for improvement if one looks hard enough, and can experience positive change if one makes the effort.

 

Best of luck.

Edited February 2, 2010 by Ronni_W

[Chris777]

Thank's

 

I would suggest that you stop all forms of communication with her as part of you working towards getting over her once and for all.

 

I figured this would get said. Should I tell her what the deal is? In one way talking to her actually helped, she has changed, and several of the things she said let me know it is a Good thing we didn't continue, because by then we could have gotten more involved in each others lives, before she had her change of perspective (she told me she is anti marriage, because she couldn't just up and leave a relationship at any time. I don't recall her being that callous when we were together, so it actually turned me off to the thoughts of longing.

BUT I definitely noticed her pics affecting me. So I don't know, what I should and should not let her know about this. I realize that I don't want to throw a monkey wrench into her situation with the current BF, but at the same time I don;t want to torture myself anymore than necessary. Like I said I totally thought I was over this. I did recently have a close friend die, who was like a father to me, I had wondered if my feelings might have anything to do with that, as I had not accepted it as real, because it was so sudden.

 

I am also busy, as I can be, quite literally to the point of exhaustion quite often. I have a friend who has been pushing me, and I appreciate it to a degree, because it is helpful for the encouragement, but it has often been too far, like I said I am often exhausted.

 

I guess Like was said I may need to cut off contact with her, I am just unsure on what to tell her about it. I figure at this point from what I have gathered from our conversations, I am the only one with any feelings remotely beyond friendship. Especially considering how much her life view seems to have changed. And I don't know on one hand I have wondered if getting to realize how different(and incompatible) we now seem to be might be a better way of getting over these resurgent feelings. (It may also be needles torture I admit though hence my breaking down and asking even through the embarrassment over how long it has been and the fact we never physically met) I have plenty to do with parenting, and my health and the stuff I am working on with my friend, but this has made me wonder If I should look into dating again, or if this is just some passing fluke.

[Ronni_W]

I'm sorry for your recent loss, Chris.

Yes, it's possible that grieving your close friend's death is part of the mix of all the feelings that you've been experiencing. It's just hard to separate, sometimes, and to know for sure to which situation one ought to attribute what feelings. And sometimes we 'transfer' one set of feelings to another situation because it's easier on the psyche. For example, "easier" to obsess about her than have to feel the loss of your friend.

 

(I think 'How to Survive the Loss' will help you with grieving your friend, as well. Or try one of Elizabeth Kubler Ross's books. It's difficult to lose someone close to you, especially when it's sudden.)

 

You can tell her your deeper reasons for ending communications, or you can tell her you don't want to be part of any behind-her-boyfriend's-back shenanigans. Basically that you would not like that to be done to you, and you need to uphold your own values and live with integrity.

 

It's excellent that you have a friend who is willing to act as your coach but maybe you need to let him/her know about your exhaustion? I'm sure you're aware that it's not healthy to "often" be in that state, and I'm guessing your friend-coach would not want that for you. I get that there can be a fine line, though.

 

what I have gathered from our conversations, I am the only one with any feelings remotely beyond friendship

That is your HUGE reason to go strict no contact. You're making it a problem about what to tell her...but that could just be you 'transferring' -- not wanting to put yourself in the position of not having her as an outlet to give of yourself in a social/friendly relationship.

 

As you say, that's more about just gaining some confidence and whatever else is needed to get out there and start dating again -- ask your coach to help you with that!

 

Hugs and best of luck, Chris.

[Chris777]

And sometimes we 'transfer' one set of feelings to another situation because it's easier on the psyche. For example, "easier" to obsess about her than have to feel the loss of your friend.

 

But is this someetimes subconcious? thats what is so stupid about this other than feeling the feelings I know better, I got involved with my ex wife through adultry, and caused a big mess, I know better, only these dead feelings have suddenly resurfaced for my ex girlfriend.

 

 

You can tell her your deeper reasons for ending communications, or you can tell her you don't want to be part of any behind-her-boyfriend's-back shenanigans. Basically that you would not like that to be done to you, and you need to uphold your own values and live with integrity.

Oh there is nothing like that, I am just saying we got to chatting, and I have the feelings, nothing else is going on.

 

It's excellent that you have a friend who is willing to act as your coach but maybe you need to let him/her know about your exhaustion? I'm sure you're aware that it's not healthy to "often" be in that state, and I'm guessing your friend-coach would not want that for you. I get that there can be a fine line, though.

No Its way past the line I threw my back out the other day.

 

That is your HUGE reason to go strict no contact. You're making it a problem about what to tell her...but that could just be you 'transferring' -- not wanting to put yourself in the position of not having her as an outlet to give of yourself in a social/friendly relationship.

No I know better When you have children crying about the breakup of the family, and you realize you are squarely the cause of it. it changes you, or at least me.

 

 

As you say, that's more about just gaining some confidence and whatever else is needed to get out there and start dating again -- ask your coach to help you with that!

Confidence is one thing, its like with my ex gf, Reality has set in, she has moved on I know that, and I have too much baggage (this feeling mess is not even included) I barely have time for anything. I am in chronic pain, and Lets just say that regardless of how well meaning doctors are, when you physically hurt too bad to do anything outside of the bed unless you take a pill, then sometimes you are not helping the patient by withholding meds. But I digress, I have dealt with this, but going into my 5th year of being worse, (had pain 10 yrs now) You realize that politics rule and sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Bu sufficed to say, I can piddle around and lay in bed, or I can take some meds and get out and go to the store, or other nessesaties, but when you have to take a pill to live your life and you don't have enough to have a little me time , well bye bye me time.

 

Maybe when my kid graduates in 4 years if she moves out and I can take my allotment for picking up and groceries etc, then I might have some time to spare. But most of the time I just rest. And when I do try to push it I just end up really hurting and bed ridden.

 

The most messed up thing about it, is they will absolutely pour anti depressants down your throat without abandon, or caution. But when your not depressed about life, but only because no one will help you get back to living life because they are doing you a favor, well like I said I know its politics. I just cant wait to stop dreaming about living life and get back to it, I am so ready and willing, just unable.

 

Don't get me wrong I have spent the past 5 yars speaking to every medical professional

I encounter, to no avail, Since they are unable and unwilling to learn apparently to try and help me, I would just love it if I could be medicated enough to at least partly live my life, Sure I can suffer for a few weeks and "save up for a rainy day" but when every day is rainy, and no one wants to share their umbrella, IT does make you think its time to give up asking for their help. Its worthless, they are so brainwashed, or whatever it is, they come off as not caring. Sometimes

I wish

I had cancer so I could at least live again that short while because they would turn the faucets, no fire hoses on then, but when your a smoldering fire like one of those mine fires in PA that no one knows how to put out, they don't want to waste a drop on you.

 

Hugs and best of luck, Chris.

Thanks You too.

 

I know things will eventually turn around, I f I have learned anything from my illness, its patience.

Edited February 3, 2010 by Chris777

[Ronni_W]

But is this someetimes subconcious? thats what is so stupid about this other than feeling the feelings I know better, I got involved with my ex wife through adultry, and caused a big mess, I know better, only these dead feelings have suddenly resurfaced for my ex girlfriend.

Yes, it can happen subconsciously that we are "guided" to focus on the area that will be easier/less painful for our psyche to deal with. I'm not sure, though, if the feelings you're having now have just been dormant all this time...they could be brand new ones coming, in part, from your friend's sudden passing, combined with your current health problems, and who knows what else (that is new.)

It's as possible that "running into" her recently was just the trigger that caused the new stuff that may have been accumulating over time to 'pop'.

 

I meant more along the lines of just tell her whatever you're most comfortable telling her, as to why you're cutting off all contact. It can be your deepest truth, or something more superficial. If her contact with you is a secret from her partner, then that's a good enough reason to give her.

 

Yeah, for sure the medical profession has not progressed too much as far as (chronic) pain management goes. One woulda thunk Big Pharma would have jumped on it because there are more and more sufferers...but I guess the market / profit potential isn't large enough yet . I hear you about the anti-depressants -- don't even get me started on that!

 

Have you looked into alternative and complementary pain management tools, techniques and remedies? One can sometimes receive free or low-cost sessions/treatments by contacting training facilities (public & private) and asking how their graduating students complete their internships/practicums. (Just make sure the interns are well-supervised by qualified individuals.)

 

I did a Google, and here are a few links that might be of interest:

~ amfoundation.org/pain.htm

~ webmd.com/pain-management/guide/pain-management-alternative-therapy

~ pamelaegan.com/articles/pain-management-chart.htm (this one has a handy chart)

 

With any luck at all, something will jump out at you as being worthwhile to look into a bit further. There are so many, and some of them do need a more open mind than others -- I would suggest try as many as you can and then decide for yourself.

 

Hang in there. As you say, things will turn around. All we are doing now is Trusting that it will be (much) sooner than later

[Chris777]

thanks again.

 

well i likely wont have to tell her anything, I think she is both working and going to school ,and I havent seen her much anyway. I figure I will ket her contact me next time if she wants , and then if she even bothers I will play it from there, but ultimate she was the one to leave in the first place, and then to hurt me, thougth I did try and break things off earlier because of the distance thing, and I am sure it hurt her. I was talking to my pastor about it , and he said like you that being in an emotional state can cause all sorts of emotional responces, and he mentioned many people end up seekign out and marrying their HS sweethearts after emotional turmoil and grieving. He also pointed out that I said I was over it, but asked me if I went through all the stages of grief over the relationship, and IT dawned upon me that I possibly didn't , that coupled with my friends death. well needless to say he recommends not to make any emotional decisions for a t least a year.

 

I have had my primary care dr suggest alternative care, it is mainly money I have a lot of debt collectors after me and I ahve been trying to pay but things are just spiraling out s o it might be worth it if I got a benefit. I know a few things I had tried before are actually helping when back then they did nothing, its just that things had been so bad that any improvement evne though its only like 5-10 % is still welcome.

 

Ill check into some of the links you suggested, thanks.

[Chris777]

It really must be some sort of emotional transference or something.

 

I was on there today, and it didn't tug at my heart like it has been when it started. Its not gone but definitely an improvement.

 

It's a good thing to know though, like my pastor said don't make any major decisions especially emotional ones. during times like this

[Ronni_W]

I was on there today, and it didn't tug at my heart like it has been when it started.

I'm taking it that you're taking that as good news(?)

it could be that talking about it and getting your pastor's different perspective has helped your psyche to start sorting things out a bit better.

 

Of course, grieving and healing is not all nice and linear -- don't be too surprised if it sort of "comes and goes" for a while longer. As you pastor said, it's a mix of all sorts of emotions not just grief.

 

Are you sure it's for the best to be checking FB right now? Maybe giving yourself a few days away (like 30) wouldn't be such a bad idea?

[Chris777]

Possibly.

 

I guess just knowing its probably a fluke, has helped immensely,

I do still feel some of the feelings, but Know that its not going to become anything.