Catseye8 Posted January 27, 2010 Share Posted January 27, 2010 Oh, you guys, I don't know what in hell my ex is doing. He keeps contacting me. Which should be good, right? I mean, he's the dumper; I'd love to have him back; technically this is a breakup that got downgraded to a break anyway; he still loves me and blah blah blah... and now, here he comes, bringing it on strong with the 'friendly' contact. And by 'friendly', I mean 'mixed-signal-tastic'. It's like the man's on some sort of campaign to convince me we were really happy together and I was madly in love with him, remember remember remember? He's dropping hints like Wile E. Coyote drops anvils. And yet. Has he said "Take me back"? No. Has he said "I'm so, so sorry, let's try to make this work"? No. Has he said anything about the whole part where he ripped my heart out of my chest? No, no, no. Will he agree to even talk about the relationship? "In the future," apparently. When he's ready. But not now. Instead, he has rewound the relationship to the point before we actually started dating, when we just talked via email and he acted exactly... the way... he's doing now. I can just imagine the thought processes: "Hmmm, I could confront the bit where I cut and ran in a huge commitmentphobic freakout... or, I could just pretend that didn't happen and go back to the tactics that made her like me in the first place!" I know he's trying to wriggle back into my life in some capacity - but I should get some say on what that capacity is! And yet, I know that if I called him on any of this, he'd zoom backwards faster than a gazelle on roller-skates. So I decided to back off instead... and the further I back away, the more he chases me. I've never managed to keep NC up for longer than a week (and he always breaks it first, and usually repeatedly). I know I'm weak, but my God it's so hard to ignore repeated emails and hints and tempting and flirty comments that someone you want back keeps dangling in front of you! I don't know if I need an intervention or a hug. Or a caramel macchiato. Or some good breakup songs of the 'wtf do you want?' variety, which I'm trying to build up a collection of at the moment. (Suggestions welcome!) On that note, I'll let sing me out: Just waiting on a rainy day Well I'm standing soaking and you still can't say All the dreams you had It's been years and you're still mad You say you like me in your memory You've got to be ****ing kidding me What are you still hiding? Are you even trying? Why have you come? What are you waiting for? And we drive through the old neighbourhood All the corners where we stood An hour passes, you don't even blink I'm writing you off and you still can't speak Why have you come? What are you waiting for? Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 You MUST ignore him! I know it's hard, but until he says he wants you back and makes a real effort to change, all engaging him is going to do is hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catseye8 Posted January 28, 2010 Author Share Posted January 28, 2010 (edited) He's getting into serious chase-mode now. But it's still not enough; he's still not mentioning the great big elephant in the room. And it is so frustrating to deal with! I'm quite proud of myself for being able to shut the computer down and walk away when he tried to get hold of me online again last night, but gaaaaaaah, I shouldn't have to. It's like some kind of hellish endurance test... Edited January 28, 2010 by Catseye8 Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 (edited) Catseye I’m going to be brutally honest with you. Sounds like the oldest story on this site. I would say 80% of us went through this with our dumpers. I see this exact thread on here more than any other subject. He's not doing any of this for you, he could care less if this hurts you or if you’re happy. He's completely being selfish by stringing you along so he can keeps his options open in case he doesn't find what he thinks he's looking for. At the same time he's easing his guilty conscience for dumping you. Do not be a door matt to this extremely egotistical man. Do not fall for it, start NC right away, do not answer any calls, emails or text messages. If you keep going like that you will never get over the breakup. I know you are looking at every minuscule thing he says and you’re getting your hopes up that he wants you back and that he's courting you, but until he actually comes out and states that to your face I can promise you he doesn't care a bit. You are nothing more than a convenient last option to him. Be strong and keep posting here whenever you feel like answering his attempt at contacting you. Edited January 28, 2010 by Ilovecake Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catseye8 Posted January 28, 2010 Author Share Posted January 28, 2010 Nah - I've been through the 'I don't want you, but uh, hey, hang around in case this new girl doesn't work out!' thing before, and this isn't that. This is... a very f*cked-up commitmentphobic man with some Deep Issues who can't commit to staying, but can't commit to leaving either. And I'm fairly sure that if I was to engage with him on all his terms right now, he'd be back in my life fairly soon. But... he'd be back on his terms. And his terms suck at the moment. I don't want a messed-up boomerang man who'd be running scared again as soon as something set him off; I want a reliable partner, and until he can give me something better than he's giving me now, that ain't him. But oh my God, it's hard, keeping someone out of your life when you want them back in it. I shouldn't have to get into the witness protection programme just to keep NC. ARGH. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catseye8 Posted January 28, 2010 Author Share Posted January 28, 2010 Ahhhhh - now he's chasing me down on MSN! Can we get an NC Support Squad here? You dial an emergency number and a bunch of folks from LS appear on your doorstep and stage an intervention? With a Ghostbusters theme tune, or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Catseye8 Posted January 29, 2010 Author Share Posted January 29, 2010 I gave up, confronted him, and said I wasn't going to do this any more and either he was going to talk to me about what happened, or I was gone. So he freaked out. So I guess I'm gone. Hugs, guys? Link to post Share on other sites
sedgwick Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 I gave up, confronted him, and said I wasn't going to do this any more and either he was going to talk to me about what happened, or I was gone. So he freaked out. So I guess I'm gone. Hugs, guys? BIG BIG GIANT ECONOMY-SIZED HUGS, sweet pea. You did the right thing. I know how hard it was; I did it too. I am very proud of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Raw-Nation Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 (edited) Maybe it was the best for both of you. take some time enjoy life and don't rush in anything. Who knows you could have did him the biggest favor by letting him go. Now he can learn from his mistakes he made. Edited January 29, 2010 by Raw-Nation Link to post Share on other sites
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