Jump to content

I dont know how to fix things


Chris11

Recommended Posts

Hey guys Im new to the forum. Let me tell you my situation. And please give me the best advice you have.

 

Well last year I was a senior in highschool. This girl that I've known since I was in 2nd grade and I were going out. We were friends, then became close, then best friends, and now we were going out. All was well we had mild fights, nothing ever sereious. It was a great time. Then we graduated. We hang out everyday in the beginning of the summer. One day she came back from work and we were supposed to go to a movie. And I said " are you ready". And she said she was tired. So I playfully said " stop being so boring". Then she flipped out cursed me out and said some mean stuff. We didnt talk for a week. I bumped into her and didnt say anything. Then she calls me says sorry and we maek up. Then we have plans again. But she kept on cancelling with me last minute. Then one day we were supposed to go the movie one night. Im waiting at home for her to call me so I can pick her up. She never calls. I call her cell leave a meassage. She never calls me back. Just blew me off completley. A week and a half go by I call her house and ask her what happened. She said she was tired from work. So I get mad and say "forget it" and I hang up.

 

Now Im heated I lose my temper. And I write her a mean e-mail. Cursing her out. Later I find out she wasn't talking to anyone really she was depressed because of fammily problems. So I apologize to her. SHe doesn't really forgive me though. I call her house, she tells me she'll call me tonite to talk. She doesn't call. I call back in 2 days she hangs up on me and ses " leave me the **** alone". I try to talk to her online while were in college but she just keeps fighting with me. I bump into her one time and she woudln't even say hi to me. I've known her for more then half of my life. I keep tryung to talk to her. She then tells me" if you would have just left me alone. Maybe we could have worked things out and be cool, but now I hate you". So I left her alone from that point. Its been 6 months since I've talk to her or tried. Its still always on mind. Its so painfull and I cant let go. I asked her for closure and she said " I dont have to give you anything". I atleast need some closure.

 

So now its been 6 months. I think maybe me and her just needed some time apart. I wanna call her and get some closure or see if we can even be friends. I hear shes ignoring alot of her old friends. But that just might be a rumor. SHould I call?. And what do I say? How do I approach this?

 

 

I feel as if its all my fault. It seems that way. I was the one who wrote that nasty e-mail. I mean I lost my temper. She was going through a tough time. It is my fault. And now I dont know how to fix things

 

 

----------

so heart broken = (

Link to post
Share on other sites

Send her a nice letter and then forget her. You're going to have to learn a lot about women if you expect to latch onto a good one. They don't like to be called "boring"....that's not joke material. They don't like to get cursed out in Email. When a lady is tired and doesn't want to go out, she doesn't want a guy to go berzerk on her.

 

So, as far as this lady is concerned...you got closure. She just doesn't want a guy like you. She wants a guy who will be sensitive and understanding. I know you will gain tact as you get older. It's sort of something you pick up here and there as you make mistakes. But, as a rule of thumb, don't even think about saying things that could be hurtful to people...even as a joke. A lot of people are extremely sensitive...and especially when they are going through a lot of personal problems.

 

Maybe your parents didn't teach you this stuff. But it's more or less common sense so you shouldn't have a real hard time picking up on it. Treat people the way you would like to be treated...unless you like to be cursed out, called boring, and be treated like crap. In that case, treat them the opposite of the way you would like to be treated.

 

Count this as a learning experience and move on. You may make lots more mistakes along the way but try real hard to be understanding of others. When they tell you they're tired and you go bananas, they'll think you are insane. It's much better to say "I'm really sorry. That's OK. Let's get together sometime when you're feeling up to it. Go get some rest."

 

Try it...you might just start scoring big.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ok first off she cursed me out. And I always joke around with her like that. She does the same. She cursed me out first. Calling her boring is nothing we always joke around like that. And me cursing her out was becuase she was ignoring me for a week. She didnt call me back. She ignored everything. And now we cant even be friends. I've known her almost all my life.

Link to post
Share on other sites

And one day, she'll feel really sorry. She'll get her feet on the ground, and be able to feel remorse and genuine feelings again.

She's having a hard time in life now. This causes you to hurt also. So when we hurt, we can either hurt someone back or feel the pain and go on.

 

Wish her happiness, and happiness will be returned to you.

Being bitter is, me taking the poison and hoping you die.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

"wish her happiness"

 

Do I call her and tell her, or write her? What do I do? I need to talk to her atleast one last time.

Then I can move on. JUst call her and see if theres a chance. I mean she said she needed some time. So I left her alone for 6 months. But now I wanna see if she wants to pick up the peices. If not I'll move on. I want her to know how I feel after all this time. If we can never be again, I want her to know how I really felt with her. I dont think she knows that yet. I kinda told her when I was apologizing to her. But I have too. If I do decide to call or write her, what should I say?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I hate to say this, but I think you need to forget about talking to her and just move on. She made it abundantly clear six months ago that she did not want to talk to you anymore. If she had changed her mind, I'm sure you would be the first to know.

 

Calling her or writing her is going to accomplish nothing, except probably make you feel even worse. So what if you do call her and she blows you off again? What if she hangs up the phone? What if you write her a letter and she never responds? All of these are highly plausible options.

 

It sounds like she has moved on with her life--you need to do the same. Very frequently in relationships one party does not get the closure they feel they need. It happens and is part of life. If you feel the need to spill your guts about this, write her a letter, but do not send it. Get it off your chest, then burn the letter or throw it away.

 

I just don't see what you have to gain by contacting her. It really does not seem like she is interested in pursuing a friendship or anything else with you. I've been in her position--it really is possible to ruin things by smothering and hounding someone too much. Just take this experience and learn from it. I think that's really all you can do at this point.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

But she just said she needed space. So I gave her it. I mean after all this time maybe there is a chance. If I talk to her she might wanna be friends. She had a fight with a diff friend and after 3 months of not talking they made up.

Link to post
Share on other sites

But But But But!

 

I'm ordering you to stop this! :bunny:

 

This is not in your hands. You are the one who drove her to the point of telling you she hated you. Those are strong words. Nothing in what you've written indicates that at the very end of your time with her that she just wanted some space and then maybe things could just work out. IMO, she made it abundantly clear that she was done with you. Look, I know you are hurting, so I don't mean to sound harsh, but I don't think you are looking at this realistically. If SHE decides that she would like to remain in contact with you, fine. But I honestly think if you contact her, she is going to get all pissed off again and tell you to leave her alone. If she doesn't do that, she may be civil toward you, but I don't think you can ever resurrect the relationship you once had.

 

I mean after all this time maybe there is a chance. If I talk to her she might wanna be friends.

 

Do you want to just be friends? It sounds to me like you want a relationship. So, lets play this out. Say she does agree to be friends. Where does that leave you? Still pining away for her. Wouldn't you be better off at this point to move on and find a girl who wants to have a relationship with you? Why oh why would you want to continue to put yourself through this heartache? How will you feel when you two are "friends" and she is off dating other guys?

 

She had a fight with a diff friend and after 3 months of not talking they made up.

 

Friendships aren't like the law. You don't have to always follow precedent. It depends on the situation with that friend. So yes, you know she is forgiving with some people, but she may not be forgiving with you.

 

Obviously this is your decision to make, but I just don't think it looks good. I think you are better off moving on and forgetting about this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Dont you see though I cant. I'll put myself through this cause hopefully in the end it'll be worth it. And When I was mad at her and didnt want to have anything to do with her she told me " there always hope for friendship" and she said shed "never give up on me".

Link to post
Share on other sites

it sounds like you've got your mind made up on contacting her. what exactly are you going to say though?!

 

in my experience, contacting ex's just makes the process of moving on longer.

 

by the way, she told you to leave her alone... what more closure do you need?!

 

6 months isn't a long time, you know. sometimes it takes more than a year to get over someone... sometimes even longer...

 

my 2 cents,

-yes

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well I believe in what she said. How theres always hope for friendship. I mean Id regret it all my life If I didnt try one last time. I think we just needed space. She said all those things cause shes an emotional person. She feels one way for a bit then differently later

Link to post
Share on other sites

so you've had your mind made up even before you posted, didn't you? what was the point of posting, then? just to vent?

 

-yes

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

yeh that any any advice you guys Had. I took all the advice in. So thanx. But one last question.

 

Ok alot of pple tell me to talk to her like nottin happened. Then other pple tell me to talk to her and tell her how I feel about the whole situation. What do I do. No matter what Im gonna contact her. So how do I approach this?

Link to post
Share on other sites

that i have no advice for, cuz i agree with clia about not contacting her. perhaps some others will have ideas.

 

i just wanted to point out that posting a question the answer to whcih you've already decided isn't very constructive.

 

anyway, good luck!

-yes

Link to post
Share on other sites

At some point, you have to ask yourself...

 

"What's to love about her? She's left me alone for so long, what's to love anyway?"

 

Whatever you decide, I just HOPE that if she doesn't wish to pursue a relationship with you, you'll go out, start meeting other people for Pete's sake!!!!

 

If we want love in our lives, I believe we can have it. Just sometimes, it doesn't come from the person you thought it would be. We spend so much time looking at the closed window, we don't see all the open doors filled with people that would want us and ACTUALLY BE AVAILABLE.

 

I believe also, that one day, unless you have done good with this past 6 months, you might be a little bitter because of wasted time on this chick.... Just remember, it was your choice to wait.

 

ps. this is from someone that stared at a closed window for about a year and a half. In the meantime, a lot of great potential doors closed while I was sitting on my butt feeling sorry for myself. That's called regret for wasted time and love.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hey Guys. I talked to her. It went well. Were talking again. We talked for a good 45 mins. And close to the end I told her Im sorry and that I care and miss her. And were talking again. And its cool cause were talking kinda in the same manor as we used to. I just dont know what to do next. I wanna make this a close friendship and be able to see her sometimes over the summer. What now?.....

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was madly in love with a girl after high school and we had the most amazing 13 months together. I've never been so close, or felt like I knew someone so well. She was one year behind me in school, and when she graduated, she told me that after the summer when she went off to college, we would not be together anymore. I would have done anything to be with her, anything and everything. But when she told me that, it occured to me. There is no way that she feels the same way about me that I do about her, so why even try to keep her. I didn't offer any kind of long distance relationship or any other solution. I just said okay. And keep in mind, at this point when she told me this, we had a passionate relationship and never fought. It was extremely hard on me, especially when she started seeing other guys. But I knew it was for the best for both of us. The biggest problem I had was I was trying to call her and at least be friends. That was a mistake. The instant that I quit calling her, I felt better than I had in a very long time. I suggest you quit calling her, quit thinking about her, take all her pictures down, and move on. Sorry, its hard, I know how it feels. Concentrate on making yourself happy and keep your head up man. I feel for ya.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You need to be very careful right now. She will be wary of you. Don't move too quickly. Give her the space that she once asked for. Unless she begins calling you more often, try waiting three or four days between phone calls. Don't expect to get your old friendship back right away, and don't even mention the break-up or your hopes for a reconciliation. Build your new friendship from scratch. If you do get together, try doing something active and fun, not just sitting somewhere and talking. I know how difficult it is to be patient, but think of it this way: you have just gotten a big reward for waiting those six painful months. You can exercise a little self-control now, and allow her to set the pace. Only time will tell if you can really be friends (or more) again. Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
  • Author

ok we've been talked for 3 weeks now. One night we talked for 3 hours straight. We haven't been fighting. I asked her to hang out with me and she made me sad and confused. She was like: " I work then come back and sleep, or go to a bar with pple from work". She says she has sundays off....but thats "beach day". So I say: " can you take one beach day off to see me". Her: "we'll see". I dont understand. She hasn't seen me in a year and it seems like she doesn't want to. But we get along. I dont get it

Link to post
Share on other sites
PurpleAngel

There are a lot of things we aren’t meant to get in life! If you keep pushing her and/or holding on to her this will NOT help her come around. What’s that saying… set it free and if it was ever yours it will return. It goes something like that, but you get the drift.

 

Let IT go, Let HER go, give it time and space and if she does feel something she’ll contact you!

 

Take the LEAP OF FAITH!

Good Luck

~PurpleAngel~

:bunny:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude, get a grip.

 

There is no way this girl is going to suddenly come back to you and fall in love with you as long as you a pining for her and calling her and trying to make her love you again. It's over, man.

 

I don't believe that a man and woman can really be friends as long as one person is in love or has a crush on the other but the other person doesn't. Both people have to be wanting and getting the same thing out of the friendship, otherwise it's fake and someone is feeling bad and getting hurt.

 

So you are fooling yourself big time if you think you can stay close friends with this girl while secretly hoping she will fall back in love with you and take you back. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. EVER. TO ANYONE.

 

The only possible chance you might have, and this is very remote, is if you leave her alone, and you start dating other women, and she sees you having a great time with them, and then she decides that maybe you really are a great guy after all.

 

You need to show her that you are a confident guy that other women would love to go out with, and not someone who gets all wussy and wimpy with girls and doesn't know how to be a man.

Basically, you need to get some other options besides this girl and get over her. If she doesn't see how great you are, then it's her loss and she can go piss off.

 

I bet you $100 there is some other girl you know that would really like to go out with you right now but you are too wrapped up in this chick to notice. And I bet you this other girl would be way better for you and would appreciate you for who you are.

 

So get some balls, stop being a wuss, and go out with some other women. Please.

:cool:

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...