Severe Anxiety & Depression Ruined My Life

[Roxxstar]

Hello Everyone,

 

2009 was a horrible year for me, especially Oct - Dec. In early Sept my father was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died Oct 6. He lived out of state and named me as the executor of his estate. During that same period of time my company was laying off 40% of the staff and I was under constant threat of losing my job. I was also going through the final stages of divorce from my wife who I had been separated from since Sept 08. My girlfriend, who was the only good thing in my life, was applying pressure to get the divorce settled ASAP. The divorce involves selling a house which we owe more that its worth, a large joint bank account and numerous assets. Basically, I was trying not to loose everything I worked my entire life to earn.

 

On 12/23 my girlfriend and I left for Vegas to spend the holiday with another couple. As we we're about to get on the plane I had an overwhelming sadness come over me and huge pains in the right side of my chest. I was freaking out inside, and started crying. My girlfriend, who is an EMT, spoke to me with love and compassion and told me I was having a panic attack. She calmed me down enough to get on the plane and off we went. But on Christmas eve morning I woke up with a huge panic attack, I was shaking, crying and ultimately ended up leaving her in Vegas with her friends and flying home early. Subsequently, she stopped all contact and broke up with me via an email.

 

Some background on what led up to my admittedly bazaar behavior:

The days leading up to our Vegas trip the pressure really increased from all areas. My girlfriend stopped talking to me on 12/1 because she wanted the divorce filed by that date. I texted her on 12/18 letting her know the divorce papers were delivered to my soon to be ex-wife, at which point my girlfriend told me she wanted me to go to Vegas with her. My job which I somehow was able to keep, was working me like a dog, 12 - 15 hour days.

 

I had no idea I was spiraling into depression, I never had an anxiety / panic attack before; I actually thought I was handling everything fairly well. But that was not the case.

 

I completely miserable knowing my meltdown screwed up any chance with my girlfriend. We we're talking about how 2010 was our year, probably the year we would get engaged. In Vegas she was talking about engagement rings, trips we would do in the next year, our future.

 

I have sought help, once my plane landed on Christmas eve I presented myself to a Dr who diagnosed me with severe clinical depression and started me on anti-depressants. I never would have believed I was capable of leaving her, it still seems like a horrible dream.

[curiousnycgirl]

You need to give yourself a break - you have gotten through a tremendous amount of stuff that would have brought down many very strong people I know.

 

Frankly the BS your g/f is pulling on you is exactly that BS. How can she not understand that getting divorced is just not that simple. I'll not even address how shabby I feel she's behaved since 12/18. I will however point out that you did not leave her - you had to deal with your panic attacks - once again give yourself a break!

 

I know you love her, and I know you are in pain at having lost her - but right now you need to focus on YOU and only YOU (unless you have kids - in which case you need to focus on them too).

 

Adhere to strict NC with your ex G/F and do stuff that makes YOU happy.

 

Good luck my heart goes outto you.

[PinkToes]

I am so very sorry for what you've been through. But please don't blame yourself for your girlfriend's behavior. If a panic attack was enough to push her away, you didn't lose much. Better to find out now, before making a lifetime commitment with someone who isn't willing to stick it out through the difficult times.

 

I had a very similar breakdown many years ago; ironically also on a plane trip. It's a horrible experience, and like you, I had absolutely no idea what was going on. But the good thing is that it led you to get help, so you won't have to suffer with it any longer.

 

Take care of yourself. You will get through this.

[xoxo88]

From what you wrote i don't understand if you left her without saying a thing or you announced her you were going to leave. If you left her without any explanation, what she did is understandable. You should have told her you are not doing well and you really need professional help. If you did explain things to her and she broke up with you, she's not reliable. Things often get rough, you might experience illness, money problems, etc. What is she gonna do then? Just leave you? That's not the right position to take when a loved one is in need. As for your anxiety and depression you did the right thing by turning to professional help. Those are illnesses like any other. People are some narrow minded when it comes to psychological issues like these, but this is not something to be joking around about. It's not weakness, it's just illness. It's ok to feel like this. It's ok to seek professional help. The fact that you did ask for help shows that you are willing to get better. And you will. Good luck with everything.

[DenverBachelor]

 

I have sought help, once my plane landed on Christmas eve I presented myself to a Dr who diagnosed me with severe clinical depression and started me on anti-depressants. I never would have believed I was capable of leaving her, it still seems like a horrible dream.

 

I'm no doctor, but I've dated one. I'd get a second opinion perhaps on that one. Sounds like situational and/or episodic depression. Did he prescribe any type of benzos for you? Xanax? Anti-depressants can take weeks to kick in but I would hope that in the meantime, he gave you something fast acting to get over the panic-attacks. I've suffered from mild panic-attacks and xanax is amazing for them. They do make you a bit groggy in the morning if you take them before bed, though.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. You've been hit from all angles at once (family, job pressures, relationships, etc.) The good news is that it will get better from here. I'm sorry she broke up with you via e-mail. At least you found out quickly that she's not the type of person to stick through the thick. It takes time to find a good woman who is dedicated and sincere.

 

You'll do much better in the future. Try to keep yourself busy and also take time to relax and meditate.

[Roxxstar]

When we first arrived in Vegas I had another, much smaller episode in the hotel room. I pulled myself together and we went out with our friends. When I awoke on christmas eve morning, I was initally ok. But then another huge anxiety / panic attack crashed over me. I told my girlfriend I needed to get help, I needed to get to a doctor. As I told her this I couldn't be still, I was sobbing, I felt so out of control... Like I had gone crazy. She didn't say much, she said ok and rolled onto her side saying nothing as I hurriedly packed. When I left I hugged her so tight, told her I loved her so much and I would call her. She didn't respond. Then I left.

 

I am so devistated, I hate myself for leaving her. I texted her and emailed her several times but she never responded go any of them. Finally after 10 days of complete silence I called her at work, she got angry said it was over and inappropriate to call her at work. I begged her to let me talk to her, she reluctantly agreed and gave me a time to call her that night. 20 minutes later she sent me a fairly venomous cold email informing me she didn't want me to

call her, ever again. I replied to the cold hurtful things she said and Told her I would never contact her again. She has since defriended and blocked me on facebook.

I deleted her from my phone and completely thrown away any love notes and

cards she had given me.

 

It all feels like some horrible bad dream that I should be waking up from, but it's not. She is my soulmate, I love her with all that I am; I've never felt love this deep before. She used to say the same things.

 

Thanks everyone for your supportive replies, your words help emencely.

 

Btw I don't have and children

[Devil Inside]

Roxxstar, first of all, man...I am so sorry brother. I know that you were hoping that 2010 would be off to a great start...and instead here you are facing some darkness.

 

Listen, the situation as you describe is not you leaving her. You did what you had to do to get some help. I think that often times people have no idea how crippling depression, anxiety, and panic can really be. They think you are being dramatic. Well in this case the one being dramatic is your ex. How could she not understand you were going through a lot? If she could just end things like that, then I would assume that she was already in a place where she was thinking of ending the relationship...because she acted very insensitive and cold.

 

Look right now you need to focus on getting better. It seems that the intense pressures of the situation has lead to an actual chemical depression. This does happen. Situational issues lead to your brain becoming depressed. I have many clients that need the meds for awhile, and as the situation gets better, in time they do too.

 

So, head up. Work with a therapist, keep up on the meds, take each day one at a time. I know that right now you can't see how, but it will get better. 11 and a half months left or 2010...it might be your year yet!

[sedgwick]

Honestly, she sounds a little bit immature to me. She stopped talking to you because you didn't do something by a certain date? She could clearly see you were having a breakdown, but she wanted you to go buy her an engagement ring?

 

It sort of sounds like you dodged a bullet, honestly. My ex suffered from panic attacks, particularly when it came to travel. I witnessed this on several occasions, and when it happened I was by his side helping him get through it. Sometimes I got frustrated with him, sometimes VERY frustrated, but I always got over it because I loved him.

 

I will never understand women who give ultimatums and place all this importance on rings and weddings. Those things are just trappings, they're no substitute for true compassion and commitment.

[Roxxstar]

I'm really having a tough time of loosing her. I'm a complete and absolute wreck. She was everything I ever dreamed of, smart, beautiful, energetic, and sexy; we wanted the same things out life, had the same dreams. And she loved me... but I f***ked it all up by not being able to handle my emotions.

 

DB you we're correct, I saw another shrink and no clinical depression. It's episodic depression and according to the new shrink I had a pretty big panic attack in Vegas. He upped the dose of Celexa to 40MG daily.

[D-Lish]

Sounds like you should also have xanax , lorazepam, or clonozopam handy to help with your anxiety.

 

I have general anxiety, but I don't get panic attacks. I dated someone that got frequent panic attacks and as long as he took Lorazepam right away, he was fine.

 

I don't know what to say about your gf. Perhaps it's best to sort yourself out first before pursuing getting back with her. The best gift you can give yourself is to work toward getting emotionally happy.

 

Considering what you have been through, it's normal to be having the reaction you are having.

 

You'll be in a much better position to handle a relationship when you sort this out.