I am the Dumper. Why Do I Feel This Way?

[Blueberry7691]

Was in a 2 1/2 yr relationship with my bf. By the end of the 1st year, I new there was no future for the two of us (long story why). Even though I had broken it off numerous times, we'd get back together. Sometimes, I get back with him because I felt bad I hurt him.

 

I fell out of love..but still loved him as a friend. We tried to 'just be friends' but that never worked.

 

Finally, I hit rock bottom with the relationship. I had no more to give. I ended it (again) 4 weeks ago. Determined not to look back but move forward.

 

I was happy to end it. It's what I wanted. I felt free, liberated. I wanted my old life back (without him!).

 

I've been going through soo many different emotions.. Every day, I wake up happy knowing it's over between us. I don't miss him, I don't miss the relationship. I look at his picture and I don't find him attractive. I wonder what I even saw in him in the first place.

 

What I don't understand is.... even though I feel all of the above, I do feel sad. Not sure why when I don't miss him or the relationship. My heart aches sometimes..sometimes I cry. Am I crying at the loss?? It's something I don't want anymore. I don't understand.

 

Can someone please tell me why I feel like I'm mourning this relationship when I'm happy it's over. Like I said, I don't want him back.

 

I need to understand my feelings.

[bananaboat11]

Hey BB.

 

By no means am I a relationship expert, but I am inclined to say... life is a journey and is clearly not the destination. Through that journey you make connections to people you encounter. Sometimes these connections are stronger with few/some than others... sometimes these connections may never be severed for whatever reason despite how much you truly wish (or they wish) it to be gone...

 

Regardless of this... whether a connection is broken and lost.. or never truly gone - you had that connection. You're human... you had filled a void in your heart during your relationship... but then one day, something didn't feel right. Now, that void is emanating a response to the release of something that was connected. You're subconsciously mourning your loss, too.. but connections with s/o's don't always work out. It isn't YOU. It isn't HIM. It's the relationship... Don't despise yourself... don't despise him. Learn to forgive and forget to truly move forward. Mourn your time for whatever reason.. and move on being a bigger, stronger person.

 

g/l

[Blueberry7691]

Reading your response hit a nerve. Yeah, we did have a connection. We were more friends than lovers. I just couldn't continue the relationship. I'm going through my emotions and dealing with them as they come.

 

I was totally in love with him at one point but the relationship was too much and I pulled away enough until I fell out of love. But yeah, we were great friends and did connect.

 

thanks.

[Blueberry7691]

I keep listening to this song which hits a nerve

 

Joshua Radin - Winter

 

[bananaboat11]

Reading your response hit a nerve. Yeah, we did have a connection. We were more friends than lovers. I just couldn't continue the relationship. I'm going through my emotions and dealing with them as they come.

 

I was totally in love with him at one point but the relationship was too much and I pulled away enough until I fell out of love. But yeah, we were great friends and did connect.

 

thanks.

 

 

I know... I've been there. I even spoke to my ex last night... I told her I still cared about her. She let me know she truly cares about me, but only as a good friend.

 

I was ok with that. It took me time to get to this place, too..

 

These connections... our human psyche of emotion... today, I find, the youngens (I don't know your age.. but I'm almost 25 ... 2 months for me ugh) are more immature with relationships... and fall into infatuation and act on it much more quickly than we should...

 

Be strong. Be true to your heart. I believe that it's better to love and lose than never love at all... at least you know you're human and sane.

 

Everyone who has any complacency and confidence will bounce back - and I'm sure you will. You'll learn from your situation and become a better person... a stronger person and a better lover

[Simon Attwood]

I was totally in love with him at one point but the relationship was too much and I pulled away enough until I fell out of love. But yeah, we were great friends and did connect.

 

 

What you describe here is probably one of the most common occurences and sources of breakdowns in relationships, although we tend build rationalisations that suggest otherwise.

 

At some point the fear response works unconsciously to push the partner away emotionally and reduces the amount of the threatening intimate contact, then consciousness often experiences the distance and interprets the distance as the other person pulling away.

 

You're clearly suggesting above that you created enough emotional distance in order to feel safer from the stifling intimacy and that then once you experienced the distance, then you were no longer "in love" (the inverted commas are because it's a cliché). Fear of intimacy can do this, in it's extreme, fear of intimacy can create hate in order to protect itself from the threat of love.

 

For some people, the concept that love can be a threat to self, can seem quite absurd.

 

Take this quote from David Mann's Love & Hate; psychoanalytic perspectives, for instance.

 

Love can seem a risky business. Fairbairn (1940) makes the point that love can feel threatening. Love can close down psychological distance between individuals and, therefore, can be experienced as a threat to a fragile sense of self. Hate, on the other hand, creates more distance and erects barriers against the potentially destructive nature of intimate contact with the other. I would elaborate this further and say that hate enables the individual to maintain contact with others since it still maintains a passionate connection, a relationship, that does not threaten to smother the self. Schizoid traits in the personality may leave the individual feeling more comfortable inducing hate rather than love in libidinal objects. Dealing with hatred and aggression can, in this sense, be much safer than the intimacy of love.

 

Essentailly, it appears that you created an environment where you felt more in control in order to feel safer from the feeling of uncertainty and panic that intimacy brought upon you.

 

Am I close?

[Blueberry7691]

I believe that it's better to love and lose than never love at all...

 

So true..That's a great way of looking at things.

 

Sorry for your loss too. Just wish there was a way to make the hurt go away quickly. How long is this going to last?

[bananaboat11]

So true..That's a great way of looking at things.

 

Sorry for your loss too. Just wish there was a way to make the hurt go away quickly. How long is this going to last?

 

Hun, it's never easy

 

I'm sorry you're experiencing it now, but we definitely learn & grow from it. We're young and moving forward.

 

I say grieve now... give a good cry. It will not make you any less of a person. I say, the one who cannot feel emotion.. who cannot understand passion.. affection.. a bond between two people and the hurt... that is the person who is dead inside and is less of a person.

 

Once this is done... reflect on yourself, but on the positives. I bet you are a beautiful woman.. inside & out. Thrive on these and fill your life with positive influences... friends, family, hobbies, work... get to the gym need be... be the best you that you've ever been!

[Blueberry7691]

you created an environment where you felt more in control in order to feel safer from the feeling of uncertainty and panic that intimacy brought upon you.

 

Am I close?

 

I purposely pulled away because I knew the relationship was not going anywhere. It was hard to let go of him. I was deeply in love..When I realized we had no future, I pulled away in order to have the strength I needed to finally, let him go for good.

 

And so it happened... to me, I had no more of myself to give him. I had enough and was strong enough to end it without all the drama, going back, etc.. I broke up with him and didn't shed a tear. I felt nothing. He on the otherhand, was very upset (I know he didn't want us to break up).

 

And even though I don't want him back, I don't miss him or the relationship, I am sad. What the other poster said hit a nerve. Yes, we had a connection. I spent 2 1/2 years of my life with him and now it's over.

Edited January 5, 2010 by Blueberry7691
typo

[bananaboat11]

I purposely pulled away because I knew the relationship was not going anywhere. It was hard to let go of him. I was deeply in love..When I realized we had no future, I pulled away in order to have the strength I needed to finally, let him go for good.

 

And so it happened... to me, I had no more of myself to give him. I had enough and was strong enough to end it without all the drama, going back, etc.. I broke up with him and didn't shed a tear. I felt nothing. He on the otherhand, was very upset (I know he didn't want us to break up).

 

And even though I don't want him back, I don't miss him or the relationship, I am sad. What the other poster said hit a nerve. Yes, we had a connection. I spent 2 1/2 years of my life with him and now it's over.

 

 

And just remember it was NOT time wasted. You were connected with him for a reason. Sometimes these connections don't last the way we want them to, but you LEARN from it! He will become a person for it and so will you!

 

Keep smiling

[Blueberry7691]

And just remember it was NOT time wasted. You were connected with him for a reason. Sometimes these connections don't last the way we want them to, but you LEARN from it! He will become a person for it and so will you!

Keep smiling

 

Thanks. I am doing a lot of soul searching because of this and I have learned some lessons and I'm sure more will come up as time goes on.

 

Thank you so much. I needed answers.

[bananaboat11]

Thanks. I am doing a lot of soul searching because of this and I have learned some lessons and I'm sure more will come up as time goes on.

 

Thank you so much. I needed answers.

 

It's always better to speak to someone... a subjective and objective view always help.

 

You do not know me, but thank you for trusting in me

 

I post here because it is instances like this.. when people are in an emotional state and vulnerable.. you're truly able to see the most beautiful side of them. I hate when people put up a wall and cast a facade gleaming into an empty room of hearts devoid of fervor and zeal...

[Blueberry7691]

I say grieve now... give a good cry. It will not make you any less of a person. I say, the one who cannot feel emotion.. who cannot understand passion.. affection.. a bond between two people and the hurt... that is the person who is dead inside and is less of a person.

 

Once this is done... reflect on yourself, but on the positives. I bet you are a beautiful woman.. inside & out. Thrive on these and fill your life with positive influences... friends, family, hobbies, work... get to the gym need be... be the best you that you've ever been!

 

I was balling my eyes out after reading your 1st response to me when you talked about us having a 'connection'. That was it! We had a connection and now it's lost and I'm feeling it regardless if I want the relationship or him back.

 

I know in time I will be okay. I need to ride the storm. I am reflecting on myself, going to the gym, and keeping busy. I hate it when thoughts of him creep into my mind.

[bananaboat11]

I was balling my eyes out after reading your 1st response to me when you talked about us having a 'connection'. That was it! We had a connection and now it's lost and I'm feeling it regardless if I want the relationship or him back.

 

I know in time I will be okay. I need to ride the storm. I am reflecting on myself, going to the gym, and keeping busy. I hate it when thoughts of him creep into my mind.

 

I'm sorry hun. Stay strong & be positive.

[GrayClouds]

Maybe some of your hurt stems from the fact of being alone. Many times we stay in relationship even bad ones because we are not comfortable with ourselves. It could be a result of abandonment issue from long ago. It could be that we never really have define ourselves as individuals. Never figure would what we want, what motives our self, who we want to be.

 

What ever the case is, the result is the same we hold on to the pain of the break-up as a distraction to keep us from moving forward.

 

If this is the case then it is the perfect time to do this work. Focus on yourself and the person you want to be. Learn how to enjoy having just yourself in your life, what excite you, how to enjoy a lonely night. How to build real friendship and began hobbies that you enjoy. Learn how to be self sufficient. And the fact the better you become at this the better your next partner will be for you.

 

Good luck

[Simon Attwood]

I hate it when thoughts of him creep into my mind.

 

you see this is the bit that really doesn't compute with all your other statements, it's completely illogical and only makes sense if you are deceiving yourself and building rationalisations to hide the self deception.

[bananaboat11]

you see this is the bit that really doesn't compute with all your other statements, it's completely illogical and only makes sense if you are deceiving yourself and building rationalisations to hide the self deception.

 

 

It's natural to be nostalgic of good times. clearly, something in their relationship changed. She may still love him, but not be IN love with him.

[Blueberry7691]

you see this is the bit that really doesn't compute with all your other statements, it's completely illogical and only makes sense if you are deceiving yourself and building rationalisations to hide the self deception.

 

I don't understand what you mean.

 

Most of my thoughts about him are 'I'm glad it's over!!' "I don't want him back!and sometimes, I do see visions of him or remember good times. I also remember the reasons why I don't want to be with him.

 

After posting these threads, I was sooo sad. I felt sooo lost. I even felt like calling him!! Then I remembered why I don't want to be with him and that stopped me from calling. I don't love him. At least, I'm not 'in love' with him. I was head over heels in love with him early on in the relationship but those feelings are no longer.

 

I want him out of my head so I can move on!!

[Serena2009]

I was totally in love with him at one point but the relationship was too much and I pulled away enough until I fell out of love. But yeah, we were great friends and did connect.

 

thanks.

 

Hi BB,

 

I'm sorry for your heartache and saddness. It is a loss that I'm sure you're mourning . . . even if you were the one to end the relationship.

 

You said you're trying to understand your emotions. I don't know if you're ready to examine this yet, but I think Simon may have a point regarding fear of intimacy that may offer something in your situation. When I look at your statement above, it fits with what individuals with CP experience. They get close ("totally in love"), start to feel suffocated and become overwhelmed with anxiety ("the relationship was too much"), pull away ("I pulled away enough until I fell out of love") and the anxiety is released, and then they repeat the cycle again. You stated that you "pulled away enough until you fell out of love." Taking your words literally, it seems you pulled away [future tense] before you fell out of love and in order to fall out of love rather than pulling away because [past tense] you'd already fallen out of love. I think you also stated that you've broken up a few times from this relationship and gone back for various reasons. This is another feature of CP in relationships. There's a book by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol called "He's Scared, She's Scared" that may be useful to you in examining your emotions in this.

 

This may fit in your situtation and it may not fit at all. I'm basing my response on the information you've provided. What I do know is that relationships where CP is involved are VERY painful for both individuals!

 

Be strong!

[Blueberry7691]

Hi BB,

 

You stated that you "pulled away enough until you fell out of love." Taking your words literally, it seems you pulled away [future tense] before you fell out of love and in order to fall out of love rather than pulling away because [past tense] you'd already fallen out of love. I think you also stated that you've broken up a few times from this relationship and gone back for various reasons.

!

 

This is very insightful. Yes, I pulled away in order to fall out of love because I needed the strength to end our relationship without going back to him.

 

It was planned in an effort not to get hurt. Before I pulled away, and I'd break up with him and the pain was unbearable. I couldn't deal with not being with him and we'd get back together.

 

I knew what I was doing. I pulled away, tried to detach myself from him, so that in time, my emotions wouldn't take over and I'd be strong enough to walk away.

 

Maybe I do have CP issues.. I don't know. But I do want to know why I'm hurting for someone I don't want. Like you said, it's a loss and regardless if I was the one who ended things, it hurts.

 

Thanks for your insight!!

[Serena2009]

This is very insightful. Yes, I pulled away in order to fall out of love because I needed the strength to end our relationship without going back to him.

 

It was planned in an effort not to get hurt. Before I pulled away, and I'd break up with him and the pain was unbearable. I couldn't deal with not being with him and we'd get back together.

 

I knew what I was doing. I pulled away, tried to detach myself from him, so that in time, my emotions wouldn't take over and I'd be strong enough to walk away.

 

Maybe I do have CP issues.. I don't know. But I do want to know why I'm hurting for someone I don't want. Like you said, it's a loss and regardless if I was the one who ended things, it hurts.

 

Thanks for your insight!!

 

Hi again BB,

 

I'm glad I was able to help with some insight. I'm on the other end of a CP relationship, he's CP. And truly, even though he's the one to get close then create distance to detach and pull away and it hurts like he[[, I genuinely believe that he is suffering more than I am. I don't know whether you're ready to look at this a little deeper, or if this even fits but these words struck me:

 

"It was planned in an effort not to get hurt."

 

You said, "I knew what I was doing. I pulled away, tried to detach myself from him, so that in time, my emotions wouldn't take over and I'd be strong enough to walk away." and "Yes, I pulled away in order to fall out of love because I needed the strength to end our relationship without going back to him."

 

It seems like you maybe you have been putting the cart before the horse. Let's shift things a bit and see if connecting your two statements in this way puts the horse before the cart for you:

 

You "pulled away in order to fall out of love" "in an effort not to get hurt."

 

I don't know. Maybe it fits and maybe it doesn't. I know you're in great pain and I wish you great strength. I know you will eventually gain a perspective and balance and that peace will be restored in your life. Keep your chin up. You'll get through this and come out of the other end with greater strength and wisdom.

[Blueberry7691]

What you said is absolutely correct. I 'pulled away in order to fall out of love" "in an effort not to get hurt." That is absolutely correct. I am not denying that. Does that make me a CP?? I have no idea.

 

I'm sorry you are at the other end of it. You stay strong too!! And thank you so much for all your responses. It really helps.

[Simon Attwood]

I want him out of my head so I can move on!!

You see, this is not the kind of comment that someone that isn't in love with someone else makes about them.

 

 

I don't understand what you mean.

 

Most of my thoughts about him are 'I'm glad it's over!!' "I don't want him back!and sometimes, I do see visions of him or remember good times. I also remember the reasons why I don't want to be with him.

 

After posting these threads, I was sooo sad. I felt sooo lost. I even felt like calling him!! Then I remembered why I don't want to be with him and that stopped me from calling. I don't love him. At least, I'm not 'in love' with him. I was head over heels in love with him early on in the relationship but those feelings are no longer.

 

One thing you don't seem to have touched on so far is what your reasons are for ending it. These may be personal and you may not want to share, but without these then your situation looks, to an outside observer, like someone running away out of fear of intimacy.

[ms.ac]

You see, this is not the kind of comment that someone that isn't in love with someone else makes about them.

 

 

 

 

One thing you don't seem to have touched on so far is what your reasons are for ending it. These may be personal and you may not want to share, but without these then your situation looks, to an outside observer, like someone running away out of fear of intimacy.

 

This is the exact thing that was going through my mind reading this, it seems like either scared of being close, or a bad relationship where someone is getting hurt and needs to get out but can't because they are so in love so take time to fall out of love so they will have strength to leave, ... in either case i think you still love and care about the person regardless if you want to be with them or not, I could understand completely why feelings like this would arise, this person was a big part of your life whether or not you were the one to leave... my question is how an ex doesn't feel these emotions, my ex of 5 yrs told me he loved and wanted to be with me while starting a relationship with someone else, and seems to have no remorse, he instead tried to hurt me by throwing it in my face and telling me how happy he was and all the things he is doing for her that he wouldnt do for me. I did nothing wrong in the relationship, he was the one who did wrong and is still so cruel. I would expect and rather him feel the way you are feeling even if he didn't want to be with me. So I think this is normal.

[Blueberry7691]

This is the exact thing that was going through my mind reading this, it seems like either scared of being close, or a bad relationship where someone is getting hurt and needs to get out but can't because they are so in love so take time to fall out of love so they will have strength to leave, ... in either case i think you still love and care about the person regardless if you want to be with them or not, I could understand completely why feelings like this would arise, this person was a big part of your life whether or not you were the one to leave... my question is how an ex doesn't feel these emotions, my ex of 5 yrs told me he loved and wanted to be with me while starting a relationship with someone else, and seems to have no remorse, he instead tried to hurt me by throwing it in my face and telling me how happy he was and all the things he is doing for her that he wouldnt do for me. I did nothing wrong in the relationship, he was the one who did wrong and is still so cruel. I would expect and rather him feel the way you are feeling even if he didn't want to be with me. So I think this is normal.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. Your ex doesn't sound like me at all!! I don't understand how he could tell you that, get with someone else, AND throw it in your face! That's NOT love.. I'm soo sorry. I think it's cruel!!

 

I rather not talk about the reason for the breakup. I'm trying to understand my feelings right now. Even if my ex came to me today begging, asking me to marry him, etc... I would decline.

 

I still don't agree that I love him. Well, I'm not 'in love' but i do care for him. We were great friends...