JaggedRoad Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) They way things ended between us just doesn't feel right. There was so much more for us to experience, but things ended way too early. This feeling that I have is making me feel guilty about enjoying things with other people that I could be enjoying with her. It makes me feel guilty about giving people things that I could be giving to her. I don't know how to stop feeling this way, and I'm afraid it's going to affect my interactions with other people. Sigh... Edited December 28, 2009 by JaggedRoad Link to post Share on other sites
Boundary Problem Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 sounds sort of analogous to survivors guilt. Where you feel guilty for being happy or fleeting moments of happiness when so many died... Not quite the same, but the feeling of guilt for a natural human emotion of happiness, joy etc is comparable I think. If they truly loved you, would they want you miserable for the rest of your life? ....out of loyalty? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 No, but this is about me. I don't think she cares about what I do anymore, but I still do. And I am beginning to doubt her love for me because it was only based on things that are fleeting. If she truly loved me, she would have at least told me something other than "let me be selfish" when I asked for closure. I don't want to be loyal to her longer than I already have, but I don't know how to stop it. I don't want to be back together, but I still cling onto our memories. I feel stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 There's nothing wrong with clinging to memories, if they make you feel good, and look back on the good bits with pleasure.... what you're looking for, is closure. And for her to say to you "let me be selfish" means you're going to have to provide your own, because she isn't going to give it to you. There's something she doesn't want you to know, or fears that if you do know it, it will hurt you, and reveal her to be a liar, in one way or another. So you're going to have to figure out a way of convincing yourself that as much fun as it was, it's over, and you're just not prepared to carry the pain for one more phukking day...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 But that's the thing, Tara. What she's doing (by not telling me) is hurting me more than anything. Well, it would be more accurate to say that I am hurting myself by dwelling on what has not been said. I told her many times when we were still together that admitting things to me is the best way to handle a situation. And each time she had to confess something to me, it was honestly nothing she should have been afraid of. I always forgave her and told her that she was silly to have thought that I would leave her or be mad at her if she were to reveal something to me. The problem with creating my own closure is that I really don't know if there's more to the story. The things that I have found out on my own lacks confirmation and I'm left to draw my own conclusions. It is over, but I have this craving for more information. It's the epilogue that I am yearning for. Tell me I'm digging myself a hole =/ Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 You're digging yourself a hole. She doesn't care how much lack of closure is hurting you. If she did, she would have given it to you. This is about self-preservation, and making sure she doesn't come off as 'the bad guy'. Which, either way you look at it, she has.... damned if she do, damned if she don't. Not that I'm giving her sympathy. My take is that we need to be completely honest with people when we decide it's over. As the dumpER, we owe the dumpED at least the courtesy of a dignified exit..... all your reassurances about being able to be open and honest with you, cut no ice with someone who already has deceit, subterfuge and guilt in their heart and mind. It really doesn't matter whether there's more to the story or not. Though you can bet your @$$ there probably is. The facts are - you won't be getting it. So as you rightly say - you're just doing this to yourself, now, because she has left the building..... You're going to have to sit yourself down in front of a mirror, and tell yourself: "It's over. There is no more. get over it and suck it up. Draw your own conclusion. It didn't work out. Let her go, let it go. Well, phuk her. it's over. Time for me to move on." and them pour yourself a beer, ring a few friends, and go out for a drink with them..... Link to post Share on other sites
DenverBachelor Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) They way things ended between us just doesn't feel right. There was so much more for us to experience, but things ended way too early. This feeling that I have is making me feel guilty about enjoying things with other people that I could be enjoying with her. It makes me feel guilty about giving people things that I could be giving to her. I don't know how to stop feeling this way, and I'm afraid it's going to affect my interactions with other people. Sigh... This is life and it's tough. We leave so many things in our lives unfinished. That's the nature of the beast. With the freedom of being able to explore any avenue in life we get the misery of not being able to explore them all. Robert Frost said it best with one of his poems. You have the capability to explore new places, but every time we do so, we just add another place to our memories and once that place no longer exists, we'll dwell on the memory because some places feel safe and comfortable. Being a six foot human in a universe that is around 50 billion light years in size is incomprehensible. There is no measure or scale to really show just how small we are and how large a place we exist in. We live our lives in a constant mix of curiosity and anxiety. We're curious to explore the unknown, but also anxious to leave behind places that make us feel safe. A place doesn't have to be a physical location -- it can be a moment in time, a relationship or a level of familiarity with our surroundings. Relationships, like so many other things in life, are a cause for excitement from the curiosity and anxiety from the tides of change. It is that one place that can feel safe and comfortable but quickly turn foreign. Sometimes we explore new places, sometimes old places explore new people. We don't always have the luxury of deciding when it is time to leave a place. Sometimes the ground shakes the foundations of where we are at any given moment and we're forced to improvise. We make mistakes. We screw up. That's life. For every thing you get to do that you wanted, there will be a hundred you didn't and never will again. That's hard to reconcile -- being mortal is tough in that regard. But what do we want ultimately? Everyone is going towards a destination yet only a few have maps. Edited December 28, 2009 by DenverBachelor Link to post Share on other sites
bluestraps Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Youre not ready yet , to move on. Very similar to my situation. Once you find you have had enough and really want to connect with someone and start making new memories you will be able to do what is necessary to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Hmmm.... I disagree. It's not so much 'ready' as 'willing'..... Everybody is ready. The big issue is whether they are willing to eliminate the pain, and put down the mill-stone they've hung around their necks. Nobody wilfully sets out to carry on carrying it. but the unwillingness to shed the load has to manifest, before we finally get that we don't need to continue in this way.... It's voluntary. All choice. Just make that choice. Simple. (Which by the way, does not mean 'easy').... Link to post Share on other sites
Thebob Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Man I feel that way to and so do a lot of people. Like I been sayin since i joined this site my ex and I never got in a fight and had a great connection but she was such an attention whore and slut that it would never work between me and her since I could never be there for her when she is 4-5 states away. Thebob Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 This is life and it's tough. We leave so many things in our lives unfinished. That's the nature of the beast. With the freedom of being able to explore any avenue in life we get the misery of not being able to explore them all. Robert Frost said it best with one of his poems. You have the capability to explore new places, but every time we do so, we just add another place to our memories and once that place no longer exists, we'll dwell on the memory because some places feel safe and comfortable. Being a six foot human in a universe that is around 50 billion light years in size is incomprehensible. There is no measure or scale to really show just how small we are and how large a place we exist in. We live our lives in a constant mix of curiosity and anxiety. We're curious to explore the unknown, but also anxious to leave behind places that make us feel safe. A place doesn't have to be a physical location -- it can be a moment in time, a relationship or a level of familiarity with our surroundings. Relationships, like so many other things in life, are a cause for excitement from the curiosity and anxiety from the tides of change. It is that one place that can feel safe and comfortable but quickly turn foreign. Sometimes we explore new places, sometimes old places explore new people. We don't always have the luxury of deciding when it is time to leave a place. Sometimes the ground shakes the foundations of where we are at any given moment and we're forced to improvise. We make mistakes. We screw up. That's life. For every thing you get to do that you wanted, there will be a hundred you didn't and never will again. That's hard to reconcile -- being mortal is tough in that regard. But what do we want ultimately? Everyone is going towards a destination yet only a few have maps. Beautiful post. Thank you =) Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 JaggedRoad just want you to know you are not alone, I feel the same. Friday night my ex told me he loved me, which I said I couldn't believe based on his actions. Tuesday I said I couldn't take the way he was treating me and the pain he was causing me anymore. He said ok bye. Closure? WTF is closure? Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 They way things ended between us just doesn't feel right. There was so much more for us to experience, but things ended way too early. This feeling that I have is making me feel guilty about enjoying things with other people that I could be enjoying with her. It makes me feel guilty about giving people things that I could be giving to her. I don't know how to stop feeling this way, and I'm afraid it's going to affect my interactions with other people. Sigh... I would suggest rather then seeing it as a miss opportunity, try seeing it as a menu for the next time you meet someone special. And if you feel like your forcing it, feeling guilty, your not doing anything wrong, it just may not be the right person yet. Link to post Share on other sites
DenverBachelor Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 . Closure? WTF is closure? A lot of people like to view the world and their place in it as a continuing series of chapters rather than a river that is connected always on both ends. Closure is never a reality but acceptance is. You'll never, in your entire life, get true "closure" on anything. Too many variables, too many lost possibilities and too many great unknowns that sit in your heart. What we can do is accept that this is the way of life and find acceptance of things past. From the day we are born until the day we die, everything we'll ever experience will tie to the next in a tapestry beyond comprehension. Everything we do will have some lasting effect on the course of time. Every decision we make will shift the world, even if ever so slightly, towards a new direction because of our participation. We're both more powerful than we could possibly realize while also powerless in the ebbs and tides of other people's decisions. For as long as we exist in a world no different than infinity turned into reality, we'll never have "closure" on any experience, moment or piece of the time line. But we can accept this and realize that the universe is much larger than us while also within us. Link to post Share on other sites
Simply Sarah Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 They way things ended between us just doesn't feel right. There was so much more for us to experience, but things ended way too early. This feeling that I have is making me feel guilty about enjoying things with other people that I could be enjoying with her. It makes me feel guilty about giving people things that I could be giving to her. I don't know how to stop feeling this way, and I'm afraid it's going to affect my interactions with other people. Sigh... Have you tried speaking with her about the way the relationship came to an end? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted December 29, 2009 Author Share Posted December 29, 2009 (edited) I have several times, but she tells me to: 1. Stop 2. Move on 3. Stop trying to see things beyond its surface 4. Talk about the present and the future instead of the past 5. Deal with it because this is what break-ups are like 6. Stop or else she'll be glad she broke up with me because if I can't handle this, then how would I ever be able to handle worse situations such as death 7. Stop being so sentimental and oversensitive because she doesn't see things like that I asked her to place herself in my position, but she answers with, "if you broke up with me and gave me a reason, then I would just accept it." She told me that we haven't felt like a couple in a while, and she knows that it could still work out, but she doesn't want to try. She told me that she doesn't want to wait on a phone call or to stay up late every night, but now she stays up way past midnight going to clubs. That was within the first month. When I try to talk to her now, all she tells me that we're in our own worlds now and that nothing I do is going to affect her anymore. Everything reason that she gave me was met with a contradicting reason later on. Edited December 29, 2009 by JaggedRoad Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 29, 2009 Share Posted December 29, 2009 I hate to tell you this, but she has a point. Stop whingeing. Where's it getting you? You really do have to make that decision and be willing to just let things go, and move on. We keep telling you that life is a process. It's moving from one stepping stone to another, and you need to find your balance. If you want to sit there with your ass in freezing water, and moan about it, then fine. But really, all you need to do, is to get up and keep walking. It's tough. Nobody ever promised an easy ride. But you're just making it 100 times more difficult for yourself, by persisiting with this 'woe is me' attitude. You have to get a grip, Jagged. Because what you're doing - isn't working. Is it? Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted December 29, 2009 Share Posted December 29, 2009 I have several times, but she tells me to: 1. Stop 2. Move on 3. Stop trying to see things beyond its surface 4. Talk about the present and the future instead of the past 5. Deal with it because this is what break-ups are like 6. Stop or else she'll be glad she broke up with me because if I can't handle this, then how would I ever be able to handle worse situations such as death 7. Stop being so sentimental and oversensitive because she doesn't see things like that She sounds like a very rational ,bit of a cold hearted type of woman. The type I historically would go for in a big way, and would be repeating a unsuccessful pattern for myself. I go for these types because they seem safe, reinforces my distrust of my own emotions. My fear that I am too emotional, not strong enough. Though it is simple not true and the way I am wired is past of what make me a really good catch for the right gal who does appreciate those traits. So why am I telling you all this? I suspect that what you can learn from this is simply, despite your affections for her, she just is not the right gal to appreciate you. Ironically it is true she and Tara are correct, because holding on now means your holding on to something that just does not fit and never really did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted December 29, 2009 Author Share Posted December 29, 2009 Thanks for your responses. I think they're just what I need before the year ends. Link to post Share on other sites
cdt76 Posted December 29, 2009 Share Posted December 29, 2009 There's nothing wrong with clinging to memories, if they make you feel good, and look back on the good bits with pleasure.... what you're looking for, is closure. And for her to say to you "let me be selfish" means you're going to have to provide your own, because she isn't going to give it to you. There's something she doesn't want you to know, or fears that if you do know it, it will hurt you, and reveal her to be a liar, in one way or another. So you're going to have to figure out a way of convincing yourself that as much fun as it was, it's over, and you're just not prepared to carry the pain for one more phukking day...... You have no idea how truly right you are. I actually attempted to get closure from my ex a few weeks ago, closure meaning the truth about what happened and her cheating. But nope. She wouldn't budge because it would do exactly that, make her look like the liar and cheater that she is. So on the one hand I got a little closure knowing she is not capable of accepting any responsibility but I have to make my own. You are amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
mickleb Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Thanks for your responses. I think they're just what I need before the year ends. Perhaps just one more, then? Every time she comes near your heart, PUSH HER AWAY, JR. Push away what hurts you so that you can heal. Happy, Happy New Year x Link to post Share on other sites
Author JaggedRoad Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 Thanks, mick. Happy New Year =) Link to post Share on other sites
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