HeavenOrHell Posted December 13, 2009 Share Posted December 13, 2009 Why do dumpers sometimes want to know who you're seeing and seem interested in what new people you've met? If they don't want us why do they want to know who we're seeing and ask quite persistent questions about it? Why do they care? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Why do dumpers sometimes want to know who you're seeing and seem interested in what new people you've met? If they don't want us why do they want to know who we're seeing and ask quite persistent questions about it? Why do they care? Because even though they don't want you -- they secretly want to be irreplaceable in your world. They still want to be the one you love - while they go one with life and find new people. There are things about you they miss and can't find in someone else - or maybe not right away. And it is quite an ego boost to find out you are still pining away loving them and only them... IF you do meet someone else - they want to know how they stack up - the ex still wants to be the best and 1st in your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
teanoranges Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I think they also could have intentions of hoping you find someone else so that they can feel free of the torment they caused. 'oh finally, she won't be in pain from me anymore... I can finally talk to her normally instead of tiptoeing around her emotional outbursts..' or at least that's how I took it all the time, along with the seeing how they stack up. Link to post Share on other sites
madrugada Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Okay, someday I'll start a thread on dumping vs. being dumped, but I have some thoughts I'll share here. I came to LS because I've been dumped by my second fiancee (yep, I'm 35 and 0 for 2 on the marriage thing) and it's the first time I've ever been dumped. Every other relationship I've had, I was the one to walk away. My first engagement, the one I walked away from five months before the wedding, was a five-year relationship, and we'd lived together four of those years. I'll go into the reasons elsewhere, but anyway, I ended it. And it wasn't easy. I've kept in touch with L. in the four years since then, but not regular contact. Nothing that would make either of us think we will get back together. Sorry to drag this out, but from what I've read in your posts, heaven, you two were a part of each other's lives for a long time. He asks these questions because he DOES miss you, and he still cares. Whether or not there's a chance at reconciliation, you are still on his mind. I can't judge accurately, not knowing your situation, but in my experience I asked L. those questions because I genuinely cared, and still do, and I've always wanted her to be happy considering the s*** I put her through. So it could be a guilt thing. Could be an ego thing. Could be he will always love you, even though you two can't be together. Anyhow, don't know if any of this helps or not. But you take care. Link to post Share on other sites
teanoranges Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Could be he will always love you, even though you two can't be together. that stuff always makes me want to scream! haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 I also think it's true that the dumper can be jealous even if they don't want to be with you themselves anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
DenverBachelor Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Why do dumpers sometimes want to know who you're seeing and seem interested in what new people you've met? If they don't want us why do they want to know who we're seeing and ask quite persistent questions about it? Why do they care? Like a kid with an old toy he never plays with, he or she will still be upset if someone else steals their toy. The psychology of relationships is really based on our inner childhood. Even if we're adults, our actions, desires, needs and wants are still based on our childhood psychology. The real definition of an adult is just an old kid. Our psychology will forever be based on our past experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyDaze Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Like a kid with an old toy he never plays with, he or she will still be upset if someone else steals their toy. The psychology of relationships is really based on our inner childhood. Even if we're adults, our actions, desires, needs and wants are still based on our childhood psychology. The real definition of an adult is just an old kid. Our psychology will forever be based on our past experiences. That is so true. That's how we follow a pattern and are hard pressed to break it...especially in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 I didn't get the impression it was to ease his guilt over dumping me, but I could be wrong, who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
nobmagnet Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 i have been thinking the same thing. I dont ask about his life..........really dont want to know. Why would he be interested in mine? Some of me thinks its because he wants to validate his moving on and some of thinks its because he wants me here just incase his new relationship fails. I think if you are like me and have moved to a place that you realise that to go back would be a disaster it is easier to tell them nothing just smile and look happy. It really is of no concern of theirs Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Because people are always ambivelant following a break up. They question whether they made the right decision, whether there is any chance of reconciliation (BIG MISTAKE!), and so on. It is normal human reaction. Link to post Share on other sites
twinklecat Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I also think it's an ego thing. My ex was getting moody and upset because I wasn't upset (well not around him anyways) even had the gall to turn round and say he thought I'd be alot more upset! It lessens their guilt and makes them feel better I guess, totally at your expense though! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 If he wanted you to be more upset about splitting how does the guilt thing fit in there? He can't want you to be more upset but also hopes you move on quickly so he doesn't feel guilty. That's two opposite things. I also think it's an ego thing. My ex was getting moody and upset because I wasn't upset (well not around him anyways) even had the gall to turn round and say he thought I'd be alot more upset! It lessens their guilt and makes them feel better I guess, totally at your expense though! Link to post Share on other sites
Author HeavenOrHell Posted December 14, 2009 Author Share Posted December 14, 2009 I didn't get the impression it was to lessen his guilt from dumping me, but what do I know! Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 Why do dumpers sometimes want to know who you're seeing and seem interested in what new people you've met? If they don't want us why do they want to know who we're seeing and ask quite persistent questions about it? Why do they care? Because they want the validation of knowing you aren't seeing anyone else and that you're still hung up over them, it's an ego thing. This guy wants to see if you are still there, he wants to see if he can still have you should he change his mind. Basically, he's jealous and trying to control you even after he removed himself from the relationship. First of all though, you shouldn't be talking to someone who dumped you, so they shouldn't even have the opportunity to ask you those questions. And if they somehow find a way to ask you, it's none of their business and you are to tell them nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
twinklecat Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 If he wanted you to be more upset about splitting how does the guilt thing fit in there? He can't want you to be more upset but also hopes you move on quickly so he doesn't feel guilty. That's two opposite things. It seems my ex can, not saying it can fit into every situation, just my personal experience Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne1 Posted December 14, 2009 Share Posted December 14, 2009 I tend to try to see the GOOD in people, I do think MAJORITY of the time ex's do what you to be stuck on them, they do want to be your 1 and only atlest in your mind. I also think in rare cases that a EX might actually still have feelings for you. My ex gf's were always jealous of my new gf because by time I moved on with a new girl they were with a JERK taht didn't treat them anywhere near I treated them. So they felt like they had it and let it went, and that they were missing out on something. In the end im going to leave it at EGO. Link to post Share on other sites
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