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Why does the ex want to know how you are doing?


9Lives

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I was reading a couple of post and I wanted to know, why does a ex text you saying.... hi, how are you? Me personally, I hate that questions. I want to say how the hell do you think I am doing...I'm f'd up right now!!!

 

I mean...for real....what is up with that questions. Why do the ex do that? I drives me crazy. If you say fine. they will say okay and never talk to you again. I just never understood that. It just seems like if you left me why would you want to check on me? I dont get it

 

Can someone help me figure this out?

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I would like that answer also. My ex dumped me in early June! He always emails me saying just checking in to see how your doing and btw don't be a stranger you know my number! I find it odd..you dumped me why do you really want to know how i'm doing?

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I dont know how to answer when my ex asks me this too, I said to him last week I don't know how to answer that! And I said sorry if I don't ask how he is very often cos it's awkward, I said not that I don't care, I do, it's just I dont really want to hear if he's really happy now :rolleyes:

I think he asks as he cares how I am but he doesn't want to hear the truth if I'm feeling seriously s***!

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They want you to lessen their guilt by saying you're doing OK.

 

This is pretty much it.

 

I think when people end a relationship, they hope the other person just understands, and moves on with thier life, because that would make them feel the least guilty. Sort of like it worked out good for everyone.

 

Some people deal with guilt in other ways, but I've found most of the women who have dumped me just want to make sure Im not strung out on drugs and drinking myself to sleep over the whole thing.

 

No matter what you say, whether it be that youre doing great or hate life, they usually dissapear if you respond at all.

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Nikki Sahagin

I think sometimes they don't want you to be okay because they want the ego boost.

 

So its either:

 

1) to alleviate guilt by knowing you are fine

or

2) to feed their ego by knowing you are not coping without them

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I think sometimes they don't want you to be okay because they want the ego boost.

 

So its either:

 

1) to alleviate guilt by knowing you are fine

or

2) to feed their ego by knowing you are not coping without them

 

Nikki hit the nail right on the head.

 

If the dumpers really cared about your well being you would still be together.

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I was reading a couple of post and I wanted to know, why does a ex text you saying.... hi, how are you? Me personally, I hate that questions. I want to say how the hell do you think I am doing...I'm f'd up right now!!!

 

I mean...for real....what is up with that questions. Why do the ex do that? I drives me crazy. If you say fine. they will say okay and never talk to you again. I just never understood that. It just seems like if you left me why would you want to check on me? I dont get it

 

Can someone help me figure this out?

 

In a nutshell it's to make them feel better about themselves. Deep down, they want to know you're hurting so they can feel of "value". This is another reason NC is great. I never, ever answer text messages with a few words, especially THOSE words.

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Deep down, they want to know you're hurting so they can feel of "value".

 

Could that be used to test to see if the person they left actually does have feelings for them? Say in a situation where that person often felt undervalued/unwanted? In order to determine if a reconcilliation is possible?

 

Or is it purely feeding off someone else's unhappiness in order to feel good about themselves?

 

I can probably guess the answer: depends on the situation, either or both :)

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They don't DESERVE to know how you're doing. At some point they looked you up and down, inside and out, and decided 'NO'. It doesn't matter how you're doing, they lost rights to that information right along with their decision to dump you. Too bad, so sad!! NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Let them wonder how you're doing and what you're thinking BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN WONDERING HOW THEY'VE BEEN DOING & WHAT THEY'VE BEEN THINKING.

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So, to answer the original question - WHO CARES WHY they are asking you how you're doing? It doesn't matter. You have other people to talk to about how you're doing. So do they.

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They don't DESERVE to know how you're doing. At some point they looked you up and down, inside and out, and decided 'NO'. It doesn't matter how you're doing, they lost rights to that information right along with their decision to dump you. Too bad, so sad!! NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Let them wonder how you're doing and what you're thinking BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN WONDERING HOW THEY'VE BEEN DOING & WHAT THEY'VE BEEN THINKING.

 

Hell to the yeah! I totally agree. It is none of your business how I am doing. You really dont give a darn so why ask. If I was going to do something crazy it wouldnt change anything. I think it is just a selfish act on their part. Keep it moving m-fer

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In a nutshell it's to make them feel better about themselves. Deep down, they want to know you're hurting so they can feel of "value". This is another reason NC is great. I never, ever answer text messages with a few words, especially THOSE words.

 

 

Bingo

 

 

end of story

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I generally agree with the posts expressed above, however, my case highlights an exception. I think it can depend on the breakup. In my case I broke up with her because she had become distant and I didn't feel like my needs were being met. When I call to check up on her I'm genuinely interested to know how she's doing because even though I broke up with her, I was more in love with her than she was with me. Another part of me is also clinging to the hope that maybe she will express a desire for us to try again with an offer of her making a stronger effort towards the relationship but I know that's a longshot of happening.

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It's all superficial chit-chat so they feel better about themselves. In my case it's like this; you genuinely didn't want to know when we were together, NOW you do. It won't or ever will make sense. I rather not answer and leave em guessing, but that's just best case scenario; as even if I don't answer, they won't care anyways.

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I was reading a couple of post and I wanted to know, why does a ex text you saying.... hi, how are you? Me personally, I hate that questions. I want to say how the hell do you think I am doing...I'm f'd up right now!!!

 

I mean...for real....what is up with that questions. Why do the ex do that? I drives me crazy. If you say fine. they will say okay and never talk to you again. I just never understood that. It just seems like if you left me why would you want to check on me? I dont get it

 

Can someone help me figure this out?

 

When they text you, reply with,

 

"I'm doing great, got a date! How have you been holding up...?"

 

Flip it on them. They're only trying to alleviate their own guilt. Nothing more.

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When they text you, reply with,

 

"I'm doing great, got a date! How have you been holding up...?"

 

Flip it on them. They're only trying to alleviate their own guilt. Nothing more.

 

If you tell them you're doing great, you are alleviating their guilt.

 

I always tell her nothing. On Tuesday she assumed my night out tomorrow is a date. I said it wasn't relevant when she asked where I was going. She jumped to the same conclusion as I would and showed me that the idea bothered her. Which was nice.

 

Meaningless and petty, but nice. I hope she spends all night thinking the worst like I've had to when she's been out.

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I occassionaly feel the urge to contact my ex of 6 years because I miss her.

 

She was my best friend and part of me will *always* care about her.

 

You can't spend 6 years of your life with someone and then simply pretend it never happened.

 

I don't do it to feel better. I do it because I *care* about how she's doing with her life. Like an old friend I haven't seen in a while.

 

I've reached the point where I'd be happy to hear she'd found someone new in her life and was moving on. I want her to be happy.

 

I don't contact her though.. because I know that ultimately it would probably upset her.

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I occassionaly feel the urge to contact my ex of 6 years because I miss her.

 

She was my best friend and part of me will *always* care about her.

 

You can't spend 6 years of your life with someone and then simply pretend it never happened.

 

I don't do it to feel better. I do it because I *care* about how she's doing with her life. Like an old friend I haven't seen in a while.

 

I've reached the point where I'd be happy to hear she'd found someone new in her life and was moving on. I want her to be happy.

 

I don't contact her though.. because I know that ultimately it would probably upset her.

 

I feel like this too, except that I was the one dumped. I don't want to get myself roped back in emotionally and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of feeling like we're ok now.

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I feel like this too, except that I was the one dumped. I don't want to get myself roped back in emotionally and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of feeling like we're ok now.

 

I understand whereyou are coming from. I agree with someone here that says it is none of their business and they dont deserve to know how you are doing. Im going that route until I am in a better place

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I have children. he left 9 weeks ago (longer really emotionally) he arrives with fear in his eyes and the sees I am not a two headed monster. Then his face goes all "gooie" and asks how are you?? god im sorry but I want to rip his blummin face off!! But i smile weakly and say "oh im fine" i want to tell him i am not but cant seem to. Is it a bad Idea to get break down councilling? Im new sorry xx

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I have one that always does this.

 

They do it because they don't want you to forget them. In their mind they have you on the back burner in case down the road things don't work out for them.

 

Best idea is to ignore it.

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I agree. They don't get to know how we are. They made that decision. My ex texted me a few weeks back "How are you?" I ignored it then got another text the next night "Alright, hate me then. Was just being friendly. I won't bother you again." That just shows his guilt right there. I gave him no indication ever that I hated him he just assumed it. It also had to be about him. I really felt like saying..."I'm terrible. I miss you like crazy. I still love you and you tore my world apart...thanks. How are you?" I just ignored the texts though and they stopped.

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I have one that always does this.

 

They do it because they don't want you to forget them. In their mind they have you on the back burner in case down the road things don't work out for them.

 

Best idea is to ignore it.

 

This. I wholeheartedly agree that's what my ex is waiting for. WHEN (and I say when, because he's psycho) his other relationships don't work out, he's gonna try to text, email or something. It's happened before.

 

Mine wrote me a letter along with some stuff of mine that he sent back to me. The letter was nice enough, but it had undertones of blaming me for all of our relationship problems.......I thought it was kinda funny, actually. I did read it one time, and threw it away.

 

Definitely ignore any communication from them. It just saves alot of time and heartache.

 

--T

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