Need some encouragement

[fabulous_chk]

It's been a while since I posted here about my situation. 6.5 months post-break-up, gave up on NC several times. I kept contact with my ex because I thought the friendship thing could work (also wanted to show him what kind of person he let go).

 

He has broken my heart a thousand pieces and still manages to do so DESPITE THE FACT THAT I HAVE A NEW BF I AM ABSOLUTELY IN LOVE WITH.

 

 

I have hung out with my ex several times and he was the one trying to get intimate with me, trying to lay his head on my lap, kissing my shoulder when we hug, telling me he dreams about me, us making love. He even at one point looked like he was going to kiss me and I WAS REPULSED.

 

 

This is the thing that's confusing me. I know I will always care for him, after all we spent 4 years together. I am with somebody who is SOOO much better character-wise and career-wise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

BUT WHY OH WHY is he still capable of breaking my heart when he says things like, "I was never in love with you during the four years we were together." I shouldn't care anymore, right?

 

I am so confused. I know I don't want him back. But why do I get hurt by the things he says? So hurt that I decide to go NC on him again.

[adamt]

Why are you in contact and hanging out with your ex when you say you have a new boyfriend you are in love with. it sounds like your feelings are still strong for you ex and there is a risk you will mess up this new boyfriend. cut all contact, dont respond to any contact. if you have to,change numbers.

 

I just dont uinderstand why you are incontact when you have someone else now. Surely it is not fair on teh new boyfriend?

[fabulous_chk]

My ex and I have a dog we raised together. For that I agreed to be friends with him. It wasn't a good decision, I thought me having a bf will protect me from any insensitive comments he might make.

 

I do not understand this. I am fully committed to my bf- I've never felt like this happy but somehow my ex can still twist my heart. I miss being around him but I actually don't even want him!

 

Aaaagh!

 

PS My bf asked me to stop contacting my ex. It truly has to be NC this time. I cannot lose him.

[brock9911]

well i would just break all contact with him...no matter how much it hurts u to want to talk to him, you have too much of a past between each other for him to not effect you. your self conscious of what he thinks of you and thats y u let him get under your skin. also its not fair to yuour new bf. him knowing you talk to your ex probably eats away at him. does your bf know your ex still effects you the way he does.

[adamt]

I know my words don't sound much of an encouragement. But i have a thread a bit further down which i hope can give you encouragement.

 

It is hard when a pet liek a dog is involved but i think it is best you cut any contact with the dog until you are ready. if you have the ex has to stop contact with the dog until you are ready.

 

You have to think of your current boyfriend now. If you like him a lot then you should cut all contact. Otherwise it will eat away at your current boyfriend and the relationship will fall apart. I know i would feel uncomfortable in his position

[fabulous_chk]

well i would just break all contact with him...no matter how much it hurts u to want to talk to him, you have too much of a past between each other for him to not effect you. your self conscious of what he thinks of you and thats y u let him get under your skin. also its not fair to yuour new bf. him knowing you talk to your ex probably eats away at him. does your bf know your ex still effects you the way he does.

 

He knows everything. I wanted to stay single for a while but I met him. Tried to push him away, explained to him why I can't be with anyone right now. But we fell in love so hard and so quickly- and I gave in. Full steam ahead.

 

He wants to "heal" me, take care of me. I actually have been healing greatly even before I met my bf, but my ex I think is jealous of the fact that I have gone into another relationship while his own fizzled quickly. He might be trying to sabotage my own. He tells me I'm

making a mistake, he undermines my self-confidence.

You are right Brock he will manage to get under my skin because I still care about what he thinks about me.

 

And my poor bf! I never want to hurt him. This is day 2 of NC.

[fabulous_chk]

I know my words don't sound much of an encouragement. But i have a thread a bit further down which i hope can give you encouragement.

 

It is hard when a pet liek a dog is involved but i think it is best you cut any contact with the dog until you are ready. if you have the ex has to stop contact with the dog until you are ready.

 

You have to think of your current boyfriend now. If you like him a lot then you should cut all contact. Otherwise it will eat away at your current boyfriend and the relationship will fall apart. I know i would feel uncomfortable in his position

 

My bf has finally told me that he does not like

me having contact with my ex, and looking from his perspective, I see it now that I should cease hanging out and talking to my ex.

 

I miss my boy! He is like a son to me. For me this is the most difficult thing, why I stopped NC several times. But my ex loves this dog and will be in very good hands.

 

Drama ugh! Thank you for emphasizing my bf's role in this. He matters a lot to me-and I would chose him anyday.

 

What's your thread about encouragement? I will try to search for it

[adamt]

it is here, you have a new boyfriend so doing well. It is something i just wrote with how i have progressed in the 4 months

 

 

Losing a dog can be as bad as losing a person. My dad cried more when his dog died than his mother!it was his best friends. Unfortunately life is never straight forward. but when your boyfriend is more comfortable and you are fully over your ex. then you could see about having the dog stay some weekends?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203232/

[Meaplus3]

I think what you need to do is stop all contact with the ex. It sounds to me like it's just causing you more pain and hurt. You have someone new in your life. Embrace th new relationship and let go of the old. Best of luck.

 

Mea:)

[brock9911]

Dont let your ex control your progress of healing. stick to your bf for any bit of consolation. your ex cant help, only hurt you. consider yourself lucky right now in having a bf to turn to...honestly any kinda relationship or fling iv had since my ex totally takes my focus off of my ex. i dont think about her when im wit someone...i dont know im a sucker for relationships, maybe one will come along soon.

[Beeotch]

Well you're hurt because it has not been that long...6.5 months after 4 years, in my mind is not that long.

 

Are you sure your new bf you're "in love" with is not just a rebound? A lot of times people do not knowingly realize they are in rebound scenarios. One common thing with rebounds is that they sometimes feel amazing and intense because the person simply transfers their feelings from their old partner into the new one. So you should consider that How long after your break up did you get into this new relationship?

 

But anyway, even if it is the "past" although as I said to me 6 months doesn't count that much as "the past"...no one wants to feel like they had been lied to, used, abused etc. So finding it out hurts.

 

Your ex seems like an a-hole and I agree you should leave him alone. I also have a suspicious feeling you hang with him and push friendship because you may not be as over him as you think. But if you have anew bf and have all these complaints about your ex then it is safe to say you should pack up and move on. Trying to hold on to every person that ever came into your life is a waste of energy and hinders your growth sometimes...sometimes some ppl should be LET GO! He seems like one. I am sure you have other friends and even if you don't, make some! But he does not need to be in your life except to maybe say passing hellos to him.

[fabulous_chk]

it is here, you have a new boyfriend so doing well. It is something i just wrote with how i have progressed in the 4 months

 

 

Losing a dog can be as bad as losing a person. My dad cried more when his dog died than his mother!it was his best friends. Unfortunately life is never straight forward. but when your boyfriend is more comfortable and you are fully over your ex. then you could see about having the dog stay some weekends?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203232/

 

 

I will arrange visits with the dog somehow in the distant future. I have been doing really well since the third month of break-up. I am doing well right now actually. Thank you for your help! (((adamt)))

[fabulous_chk]

I think what you need to do is stop all contact with the ex. It sounds to me like it's just causing you more pain and hurt. You have someone new in your life. Embrace th new relationship and let go of the old. Best of luck.

 

Mea:)

 

 

 

My ex is very depressed, bitter and lonely at the moment and is bringing me down with him. I have ceased contact - deleted him from facebook, and since I lost my phone two days ago, he has no way to contact me.

 

 

Thanks Mea!

[fabulous_chk]

Dont let your ex control your progress of healing. stick to your bf for any bit of consolation. your ex cant help, only hurt you. consider yourself lucky right now in having a bf to turn to...honestly any kinda relationship or fling iv had since my ex totally takes my focus off of my ex. i dont think about her when im wit someone...i dont know im a sucker for relationships, maybe one will come along soon.

 

I only see my bf on the weekends, he lives in downtown Manhattan. I live in NJ and my ex is my neighbor and has been my only companion for the last 4 years. On weekdays my ex and I hang out, watch TV and walk our dog. This is way too much contact but you know habits die hard.

 

 

I have dated non-stop since the break-up, just casual dating. I did not want any relationship at all, but my bf was determined to stay in my life regardless of any labels. We are very much in love.

 

 

You should keep dating then Brock. Nothing wrong with taking a girl out for dinner and such, as long as you're honest that you are not looking for a relationship. That's what I said to all my dates - some ran away and some persisted. Some have become friends instead.

[fabulous_chk]

Well you're hurt because it has not been that long...6.5 months after 4 years, in my mind is not that long.

 

Are you sure your new bf you're "in love" with is not just a rebound? A lot of times people do not knowingly realize they are in rebound scenarios. One common thing with rebounds is that they sometimes feel amazing and intense because the person simply transfers their feelings from their old partner into the new one. So you should consider that How long after your break up did you get into this new relationship?

 

But anyway, even if it is the "past" although as I said to me 6 months doesn't count that much as "the past"...no one wants to feel like they had been lied to, used, abused etc. So finding it out hurts.

 

Your ex seems like an a-hole and I agree you should leave him alone. I also have a suspicious feeling you hang with him and push friendship because you may not be as over him as you think. But if you have anew bf and have all these complaints about your ex then it is safe to say you should pack up and move on. Trying to hold on to every person that ever came into your life is a waste of energy and hinders your growth sometimes...sometimes some ppl should be LET GO! He seems like one. I am sure you have other friends and even if you don't, make some! But he does not need to be in your life except to maybe say passing hellos to him.

 

 

Aaah! I know he's an a-hole and he has admitted it several times! But we had been such good friends too you know? He always took care of me, took care of me post-surgery, went to all my doctors....he was not all bad.

 

I am not fully over him in the sense that I still love him, still care what happens to him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I can't even think of kissing him - have no desire to do so. And that's usually my indicator of attraction.

 

I dated many, many, many people immediately after the break-up. The day we broke up I joined a dating website and got dates a week later...I just kept on talking to people, flirting, not in pursuit of a relationship but to open my eyes and my world. I had many rebounds prior to meeting my bf.

 

I met my bf just 6 weeks ago and the attraction is amazing and we had gone full steam ahead in this relationship. I'm not sure if I should classify him as a rebound romance - and if he is it is absolutely fine! After all my ex was a rebound romance also that lasted 4 years. All I know is that falling in love with my bf was against my will and has nothing to do with my ex - I was having fun being single and I wanted to stay single.

 

Aaah my head is messed up.

[brock9911]

yeah thats basically what iv done, iv become friends with 2 of them actually. i honestly hate being single. but iv never been a loner. iv always had someone around. but manhattan clubs and bars havent been bad to me in meeting people haha.

[fabulous_chk]

Listen Brock, that's all I did, party all the time. Right now you hate being single because you are still used to having somebody beside you all the time, somebody to come home to, but after a while being single actually starts feeling good! God knows I enjoyed the 5 months of being drunk with my friends and acting crazy. :bunny:

 

Good thing you are very sociable - I was shy but I had to force myself to talk to people and I loved it! Manhattan is awesome, I barely went there before to go clubbing, it was always local bars and clubs for me here in NJ or AC but since I met my bf we have been partying up a storm.

 

Being single for a girl is actually very good! I was constantly hit on and it was a good boost for my ego, regardless of whether those flatteries were sincere or not. I just had to believe in myself, that I'm gorgeous and could have anybody I want. That was my attitude.

 

Consider yourself lucky that you are young and earning lots of money and can have a good time anytime you want with nobody to tie you down. Come on Brock. Look at the good side of this. You are free from bullsh.i.t.

 

 

You are finally free from that relations.h.i.t!!!! it drove you to anxiety meds and you should be happy that that part of your life is over.

 

 

(((Brian)))

[fabulous_chk]

Just an update. I know I decided on full NC but I could not help but sneak a look at his myspace. He changed the title of one his tracks from "While She Was Sleeping" to "While Joy Was Sleeping" - Joy is my name. Also, he has a track titled, "Hope Remains."

 

Ah well. I have to avoid looking at his page it drives me nuts.

[SierraMarie]

I find it a little weird that you were with this person for four years and now the thought of kissing them repulses you? Are you sure you are not in denial? This does sound like this could be a rebound relationship and in that case it's probably not good.

 

On the other hand, if this works for you then good for you. I just know that it never worked for me. I have to actually find myself again I cant just go from one relationship to another. But then again maybe you were not as devastated by the end of your relationship as I was was with mine.

 

I just think that you should be careful that you are not suppressing your emotions. It doesn't sound like you had any time to get over it. But then like I said maybe it wasn't that painful for you. Either way, I agree that your ex does sound like a complete a-hole. If you are going to tell your ex of four years that you were never in love with them you have to be. Btw Im sure its not true hes just saying it to hurt you. But either way, you are better off without him so maybe it's a good thing you are not sad. I think you deff have to have NC if for no other reason than to not lead him on or yourself. Well, good luck. I just thought Id put my 2 cents in.

[fabulous_chk]

OH man I was devastated, wanted to crash my car. My ex cheated on me with a 19 y.o. Myspace slut. Proceeded to dump me and pursue her.

 

 

I faced all the pain head on, went through my 5 stages of grief, I still have lingering feelings for him but he is contaminated for me. I cannot imagine kissing him anymore. Yuck.

 

When I'm with my bf I have no thoughts about my ex. When I'm with my ex, I think a lot about my bf.

 

I think my ex is trying to incite me into anger. At one point he said, "You are really not in love with your bf" which made me think his ego won't take it that I can move on.

 

Whatever he is a dirtbag. My energies should be focused on my bf and myself.

[adamt]

It has taken me 4 months to feel I am ready to get out there and see who is about. Until i was ready i just didnt see the point in rushign out and finding someone or go out with someone if they approach me.

 

I'm not sure you are really over your ex. You have to cut all contact to prove to yourself you have moved on. If i had the same feelings for my ex as you i dont think i would be ready to dates someone. are you one of these people who doesnt like being just on their own and need to always be in a relationship?

[brock9911]

yeah you are right...and good memory remembering my name haha. i never liked the club or manhattan scene all too much until i get dragged there. personally i enjoy the manhattan bars that have a $40 all you can drink for like 3 hours...that makes me happy haha.

 

but yeah being single is a lot less stressful, but my mind still wanders and thinks about my ex.

 

in time i guess right. i do have to look forward to not spending hundreds upon hundreds on my ex for christmas....YES!! god that will be nice to spend on myself haha

[Jmina]

its quite clear, that you feel this way because you went straight into a friendship instead of giving each other the time you desperately needed to get over the break up, and to get over it, you need to realise how hurt you are by him and how angry it truly makes you feel..

 

i know your angry because you want revenge on him - by showing him who he gave up.

 

You need to loose your ex. ESPECIALLY if you have another relationship going!! it's just bad news all together. Does your current partner know that you talk to your ex, and that he tells you the things he does, and that youre really affected by this?

 

you havnt let yourself grieve yet. and i dont know if you are superhuman that can go on with life without the need to grieve but judging by the sounds that you are in still hurting i would a) get rid of him. he is your ex for reason, and b) he continues to tell you things that are TOTALLY inappropriate and hurtful

 

girl you need to honour what youre feeling and let it all come out. its not about him its about you being hurt, its about you being rejected, its about you and your heart being broken and all the emotions that come a long with it whether you think you can control them or not

 

its not about him. you dont need him, you dont want him, you dont need to be in a toxic revenge game. so get rid of him.

 

 

keep posting.

 

 

 

 

Jmina

[adamt]

Great post Jmina and well put. Some wise words there

[fabulous_chk]

It has taken me 4 months to feel I am ready to get out there and see who is about. Until i was ready i just didnt see the point in rushign out and finding someone or go out with someone if they approach me.

 

I'm not sure you are really over your ex. You have to cut all contact to prove to yourself you have moved on. If i had the same feelings for my ex as you i dont think i would be ready to dates someone. are you one of these people who doesnt like being just on their own and need to always be in a relationship?

 

 

I had intense feelings of loneliness during the first two months, and I spent all my time with my best friend, sleeping in the same bed with her, so that I can wake up to somebody, and sleep with somebody. I hated the silence.

 

 

There was a rush for me to find somebody to love me because I was trying to prove to myself that he's not the only one in the world, that there are countless guys who can fall in love with me. So I dated and dated and dated.

 

My ex was out of the country for 4 months due to the death of his father. Over this time we developed a rapport as friends, had deep conversations about life. It was the best communication between the two of us ever. I decided that friendship with him is not such a bad thing. (It was when he came back that things deteriorated).

 

I did not want to be in a relationship honestly. I pushed my current bf away and told him my situation. But he was determined to stay in my life, and I knew from the beginning that he is a very special guy, and it would be stupid of me to let him go just because I'm dealing with the aftermath of a break-up.

 

My current bf has been very patient with me. Don't get me wrong, I still love my ex, but I'm not in love with him any longer. It's a left-over feeling of what once I had for him. Some residue, some emotional dusts, that in due time will settle down.