It seems like it was just yesterday

[TekKaman_HaLo]

I accidentally stumbled on this website, so maybe I can get some perspectives on my situation with my now ex-girlfriend. Here goes.

 

Well, we had what I thought was a great relationship for 9 months, right before this all happened I even bought her a promise ring because I truly felt that I wanted to be committed to her and no one else. Then about 3 weeks ago, we were going out to dinner one night, and somethign didn't feel right, so I asked what was on her mind, and she just let out alllllllll this jabberish about what she felt was wrong with our relationship.

 

I asked why she never told me any of this so I could try and fix things, but she said she was trying to pretend things would get better. We sat and talked a while, and it just felt like she had completely changed overnight, saying " we are so different" and that religion would be a prime reason why we broke up. She wanted time so I gave it to her, but eventually I couldnt stand the thought that it was either going to be yes or no on staying together so I asked her for an answer.

 

Later that day I got an email from her breaking up with me, just saying the same things she said before, and that she couldnt do it in person cause she couldnt stand the sound of my voice after she would say that. So that was it, I thought. And rather than do a clean break I talked to her, because she still wanted to be "friends" but I can't stand the thought of her being with someone else, so I freaked out every time we talked and asked her why we couldn't be back together.

 

She always said "because we are so very different" but after 9 months she is seeing this? I finally got to a certain stage where I have cut off contact with her completely, almost 2 weeks now, but I almost have the complete feeling she has moved on from me already, while I'm still stuck scratching my head. I have gotten a little better since then, but I can't seem to find the closure I need to move on, because the reasons for her leaving just seem so stupid, you know?

 

I just feel like I wasted all this tiem just to hear goodbye for a stupid reason. And I asked if she was cheating on me, because THAT would be easier to accept, but she said no. So I don't know what to do or think, other than try my best to move on.

 

I mean, am I the bad guy here? I never even saw this coming, and I would have gladly done my best to work on things, but she just thought we were 2 completely different people. I guess I'm just asking for some input on other people's perspectives here, so let me know what you think please, thanks!

[Tony T]

There's nothing you could have ever done and even now this lady would not make a good partner.

 

All people are different but good communication brings them together, in compromise and understanding. Her silence, rather than articulation, caused the death of your relationship...if you ever had one. You can't really have a relationship with someone who keeps everything bottled up inside. The way couples get to grow is to talk things out.

 

Now, you need to take a lot of responsiblity for this yourself. You are typical of most men who cruise along thinking things are going just fine while the female is giving cryptic hints of problems....not being straight up. Or maybe she was letting you know what was bothering her all along and you paid no attention. That happens a lot.

 

If this crap about religion was bothering her so much for so long, why the hell didn't she say something. Did the devil have her tongue???

 

At any rate, consider this a learning experience. Never take it for granted that what you feel is happening is really what is happening. If there isn't a constant dialogue between two people, if they aren't expressing their feelings...likes...dislikes...etc., then there is something seriously wrong.

 

Move along with this but take with you an important lesson. If you haven't learned from this, you will have another similar experience. Some people just don't talk. You have got to always PAY ATTENTION to non verbal communication. Preferably, you need to find a partner who knows how to express herself. Thankfully, you are rid of one who can't do that. She will make no person a good partner until she learns how to communicate.

[TekKaman_HaLo]

well....I really don't think I didn't listen, because anything she ever wanted me to change or stop doing I did. I could have missed out on some things though, I can't really tell. I just feel so used, like I just matter as nothing and she threw me away like nothing, like our times ( both good and bad) meant nothing. Maybe it's selfish of me to want her, but I know if I can't make her happy then I don't belong with her, so I love her enough to let her go. I am just having a really hard time coming to terms with how I am feeling, you know? I really hate to shut her out of my life, but it is would so hard to keep her in it and watch her fall for someone else eventually (if not already). Sadly its been the obsession of my thoughts for the past few weeks trying to figure out where I went wrong and how I can recover from it. Any suggestions or should I just look at it as I am better off without someone like her in my life?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "Any suggestions or should I just look at it as I am better off without someone like her in my life?"

 

I think I've already answered that question but, again, you are much better served by having someone more stable and communicative. Certainly, if a woman doesn't want you in her life you are so much better finding one who does. If a woman is so confused and unstable she would break up with somebody she cares about, that would also be grounds for dusting her for good.

 

You are much better off without this pop tart in your life.

[Bummed]

---I finally got to a certain stage where I have cut off contact with her completely, almost 2 weeks now, but I almost have the complete feeling she has moved on from me already, while I'm still stuck scratching my head. ----

 

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THAT FEELS! I'm in a very similar situation. It makes you question how much she really cared about you, how real the love in your love affair was, and if you ever really knew her at all.

 

---I have gotten a little better since then, but I can't seem to find the closure I need to move on, because the reasons for her leaving just seem so stupid, you know?----

 

I KNOW! i was in a similar situation once. it sucks because you can't understand it, so your brain keeps worrying at it and gnawing at it and you have a hard time stopping yourself from asking WHYWHYWHYWHYWHY!???? i wish i could offer you some advice but all that helped me was time. eventually i just made it a habit to STOP wondering why everytime i realized i was wondering why.

 

 

 

---I just feel like I wasted all this tiem just to hear goodbye for a stupid reason. And I asked if she was cheating on me, because THAT would be easier to accept, but she said no. So I don't know what to do or think, other than try my best to move on.

 

I mean, am I the bad guy here? I never even saw this coming, and I would have gladly done my best to work on things, but she just thought we were 2 completely different people. I guess I'm just asking for some input on other people's perspectives here, so let me know what you think please, thanks!-----

 

some thoughts... there is a chance she was just using u to fight off loneliness from the beginning. maybe you're not her type, but she settled for you because you are nice and kind and liked her. then, once she felt comfortable with herself, (thanks to you because you made her feel good about herself) and no longer felt lonely or like she had to worry about being lonely (because you made her forget what it was like to be lonely and made her believe she was very lovable) she decided to try to find someone she could be more serious with. or to go for a prospective man she has already found whom she thinks she might be more serious with.

 

remember that, if she decided you aren't what she really is looking for, that decision is not a reflection of YOU, it is a reflection of HER and her perception of you. and from what you've told us there is no way in hell you're the bad guy. she's the bad guy from bottom to top, (even though she probably still thinks of herself as a victim) because she was DECEPTIVE. she didn't change her mind overnight, she changed her mind slowly, over time, but withheld that information from you so that you had no warning and could not try to meet whatever needs and wants you weren't. i'm not saying she's evil or anything, but she definitely was in the wrong for not telling you what was in her mind. you are innocent in this, and that should be a great comfort. your conscious is clean!

 

i had a similar thing happen to me once. she came back to me but i never trusted her again because the breakup came as such a complete SHOCK the frist time. when we were together the 2nd time i was always waiting for her to dump me, misconstruing every little sign, and in the end i dumped her the 2nd time because i refused to be a fool again (although, if i dumped her without reason i obviously WAS a fool again, lol)

 

it sounds like you are being very classy and taking the high road here. good for you.

[Donswa]

I understand that breaking up is hard to do and it sucks even more when you don't fully understand or agree with their reasoning behind it, but i do think from the sounds of things she just wasn't the one for you.

 

One thing that does concern me though is something you wrote in reply to Tony.... "because anything she ever wanted me to change or stop doing I did." You should never have change or stop doing things you do in a truly two-way relationship, its not fair for someone else to ask you to change who you are ( unless of course what you were doing was illegal or immoral).

 

You don't need to change in order for someone for love you, they should love you for not changing and just being the person you are. Most importantly remember a relationship cant work if your putting in a 100% and shes putting in 50%.

 

Good luck in finding someone perfect for you!

[TekKaman_HaLo]

Thanks for the posts everyone, a lot of it's harsh but entirely possible or entirely truth, either or both. When I said I would change things or stop doing something I only meant I was keeping an open mind to new things or if I was doing something to hurt her I would stop it, but you have a good point Downsa, thank you. I really don't understand why she did this or why it even happened it all, and if I ever will understand for that matter, but I know I'll move on and accept all this, I guess it's just gonna take some time. But thanks everyone, it's always good to have another's perspective on the situation.

[TekKaman_HaLo]

Ok, 98 people have read through this post, but 3 besides myself have left posts, I would like to hear everyone's point of view if you all have had something similar happen, you know? so POST!

[Ally Boo]

If no one else has responded, chances are, there is nothing they CAN say. Either its been said already, or they just can't relate.

 

The best thing you can do is be patient and see if anyone else reads it and can add stuff to it.

 

Don't get pissy...sheesh.

[TekKaman_HaLo]

I'm not gettin pissy, but okey dokey, guess thats all to be said then.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Something things happen that you may never find an indepth explanation for. I was reading this magazine, and this celebrity said "when a relationship doesn't work out despite your best intentions, it just wasn't meant to be." Some things were just never meant to happen.

 

However, in this case I would like to say this. Don't feel that just because your girlfriend is not complaining to you means that she doesn't have a problem in the relationship. Sometimes people keep quiet to keep the peace when they're really simmering inside, and sometimes people just don't talk and next thing you know they're walking.

 

It's always good to take inventory when you're in a relationship. And that means asking your mate questions about how they feel such as:are you happy? Is there anything I can do to make you happier? Do you feel comfortable talking to me about anything? And if now why (it could be something in your personality)? And so and so on. And listen to what they have to say. It's good to do this to clear away problems, and if your mate decides to walk regardless, you could feel some comfort in knowing that you did all that you could.

[TekKaman_HaLo]

Hmm.....thats very true. I just thought that after as long as we had been together we would have been comfortable enough around each other to say anything, but like you said, despite all my efforts it just wasn't meant to be. I will keep in mind to occasionally take in what my next signifigant other has to say assuming they tell me when I ask. I hope it wasn't my personality, but it could just about be anything right now. The man upstairs sure has a strange plan for us all, don't you think? In time I'm sure I'll understand this and move on to someone else who I will think of as even greater than this girl, but time will only tell. "Time is God's way of keeping everything from happening at once" -Anonymous (I think)

[sygma]

My now ex boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up, or rather, I dumped him after finding out he had cheated on me (it was a long distance realtionship - but I agree with Bill about not condoning or justifying that behavior). And although he wants to be friends and "keep in touch" and call me sometime" I told him I needed to not talk to him - becaseu YEAH! theres alot of pain in trying to carry onlike everything is fine - because it's not, dammit lol

 

But I relate to that feeling of the other party having moved on and what seems like so quickly. My situation is a bit different I guess, seeing as how - he did move on - with a pluthera of others - but it is a crappy feeling. And sad to say, I still have not truly gotten over it. Which makes me wonder how long the healing/coping process is supposed to last - anyone know???

 

I say do what you've got to do - if it's too hard to talk with her - then don't. And don't feel like you need to justify it. I mean if you want to go ahead, but she doesn't feel obligated to give you a reason (or a logical one) as to why you broke up then you shouldn't feel obligated to exlain your situation either. That the magic of breaking up I suppose. Good Luck you !

[Dazza]

I just read your post, TekKaman, you managed to put into words probably what a lot of us have felt in current/previous relationships.

 

The comments passed by other readers are also a true indication that we have all felt it.

My only thought is that you should take what you have learnt and use it in your next relationship.

In time you will get over the feelings, but they will get dragged up everytime you speak to her for now anyway.

And you know why? Because you are one of the lucky ones who know knows what it feels like to be in love.

 

"It is better to have loved once, than never to have loved at all"

I questioned this little saying when I was going through what you are now, but I can understand it now.

 

You are not alone, time will heal all, talk openly about it, that will make you feel better.

I never believed I could get my ex g/f out of my mind, but over time I managed to. I still hold her close to my heart, but know that it is over, and can now accept that she is with someone else.

 

You'll be OK.

 

Daryl....

 

PS: Nice comments from everyone also, even made me feel good!

[EnigmaXOXO]

It's always good to take inventory when you're in a relationship. And that means asking your mate questions about how they feel such as:are you happy? Is there anything I can do to make you happier? Do you feel comfortable talking to me about anything? And if now why (it could be something in your personality)? And so and so on. And listen to what they have to say. It's good to do this to clear away problems, and if your mate decides to walk regardless, you could feel some comfort in knowing that you did all that you could.

 

WONDERFUL advice KD! If more couples would learn this technique, they’d soon put the relationship councilors out of business, and save themselves so much grief in the long run.

 

Many couples wait until there is a heated argument before expressing their insecurities and/or displeasure with their relationship. By using your words as a “weapon,” the other party is unable to listen objectively because you have put them on the defensive. When emotional daggers are exchanged, it only serves to fuel the underlying hurt and anger which later results in resentment rather than resolution.

 

There are also those who will avoid confrontation at ALL costs and will refrain from expressing their feelings openly for fear it will result in an argument. These individuals stuff it all inside, pretending all is well, until they have made themselves so miserable that they flee the relationship leaving their partner “scratching their heads” as TekKaman so candidly described. And those who feel the need to avoid confrontation will often exercise “damage control” by suggesting to their partner that they remain “friends.” This is done in an effort to alleviate the obvious hurt they have caused as well as their residual feelings of guilt.

 

“Taking Inventory,” as KD described, will help couples to avoid the two most common relationship pitfalls. By asking your partner on occasion “Are you happy?” will open the lines for healthier dialect. The key is to also learn how to LISTEN objectively without getting defensive. It means letting go of your fragile ego and opening yourself up to potential criticism. It will mean admitting to each other that BOTH of you have insecurities, but by discussing them openly you will learn as a couple what they are how to avoid each other’s emotional triggers.

 

I would also like to add one more suggestion to KD’s post...and that is “Affirmation.”

 

It becomes so easy for us as we are caught up in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives to take for granted the love and devotion of our committed partner. Every once in a while we need to “take inventory” of those positive things in our life, the people who have stuck by us and loved us even when we were at our worst. To say “Thank you” to your partner for being a best friend; to just say to them, “You really make me happy.” Or…“You know, I can’t ever imagine being with anyone else but you.”

 

These simple words are just as meaningful as that occasional “I love you.” Positive “affirmation” when it is least expected can work wonders in alleviating your partner’s unspoken insecurities. And there will be no need for them to wonder or doubt if you just take a few minutes every now and then to “remind” them.

[NEONINK]

Wow, both of these last two posts could be on the couples wall of fame.

 

However, what I'm find is, both people in the couplehood must be in the same emotional place at the same time to do these things well. I've read several posts about timing. What a difference timing makes.

 

Someone today isn't a fit, but next year might be a match made in heaven. I think my timing is screwed up.

[nat28]

Hey there mate

 

Im just on my way outta work so this will be brief but i just wanted you to know that i understand what you are going through and i send you cuddles.

 

my partner gave me the spiel about "not being in love with me anymore, not wanting to build a house etc etc...COMPLETELY OUT OF THE BLUE - 6 weeks ago and then left ..I have not heard from him since and this is the person i thought i was gonna spend the rest of my life with.

 

He obviously "pretended" that we were on the same page, so to speak, talked about our house we were about to build the day before he dumped me, told me he loved me all the time etc etc....

 

i realise now HE WAS NOT HONEST with me. As you said about your girlfriend, if my boyfriend had mentioned his real fears/feelings etc with me (instead of pretending everything was alright) i may have been able to discuss the situation and .......i don't know.. i wont get into that. whats done is done. i just have to move on and so do you my friend.

 

nat28 the crazy aussie.xxxx