I could use a little encouragement...

[sedgwick]

It was two years ago this week he dumped me. I have lived one year without any contact at all. Please remind me that I DO NOT need FOR ANY REASON to text him and acknowledge this fact and tell him I still love him.

 

I know I'd never actually do it, but I'm bummed out over the fact that he really did just walk out the door and disappear two years ago and hasn't been seen since. He REALLY DID cut me totally out of his life, he REALLY DOES want me gone, and there is no indication that I'll ever know the real reason why, or if he went through any pain at all after he left. I will never know if my NC had any effect. I have no choice but to be at peace with the not-knowing.

 

I'll be really glad when this week is over. I've had getting-back-together dreams the last two nights. I need to come up with something special to do to mark having survived two years, something positive.

[Meaplus3]

You do not for any reason need to text him. Congrats on staying in no contact you have done a great job. You know in a way I can relate to you. I had someone that I cared for very deeply just vanish from my life and I'll never have an answer as to why. It hurts and It's confusing. But, you make peace without having closure and just simply continue on with life. Do something special just for YOU. You deserve it.

 

Mea:)

[Road To Joy]

You don't need to text him. You made it the first year, right? And guess what? You made it the second year. And guess what else? You'll make it the next year and the next and the next.

 

Have you any idea how strong you are? I honestly don't know why you're so hard on yourself. So many people are struggling to do what you have already done. You're an inspiration! You don't need him! You're belly dancing, you're writing books, you're doing activism, and you're helping people here on LS. And what is he doing? Playing bass every other night. What is this, high school?

 

HE'S not good enough for you, not the other way around.

[kizik]

Sedg,

 

having been here for over a year, and having seen little to no progress in you, I'm just gonna say it:

 

you're dwelling in a cesspool of self-pity. You don't care to get over this guy, at all. Many users have wasted their time attempting to help you, but the same sob story comes out of your keyboard every day. Your first reaction is anger at the user who says things like this - so I expect to get some anger from you, too. I don't know what anyone can say to help you, b/c you have not changed your thought patterns, you live in hell BY CHOICE, and you don't listen whenever anyone tries to help you, anyway.

 

If I recall correctly, you are in counseling. Get a new therapist - you are not making the progress you should. I write to you from a place of patience, but it is limited. Other users know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

Best of luck.

[Ilovehim]

Hello,

 

First I'd like to say please don't take this personal or get upset at what I am about to say..I speak from experience because i KNOW how much losing the one you love hurts, believe me...but I read your stories and I honestly can say that although you can't help for how long you love someone...sometimes the person you loved may remain in your heart forever..HOWEVER you need to go on with your life. It has been 2 years. I still think about my ex and I guess you could say haven't forgotten about him but I don't dwell on him all the time...By choice..you CAN move on..please listen to me and dont think its just cliche talk..people REALLY DO have bigger problems than losing someone you love..you only have one life..look your prettiest...try your hardest to make you happy..find people whos companies you enjoy..i have read your stories..you're a bellydancer and that is sexy..i'm pretty sure many guys think the same thing...stop beating yourself up about "im not a musician"...stop it..right this very second...yeah im pretty sure MANY OF US here and in the whole world have had a love of their life walk out, have went through so much pain and it takes a LONG time to get someone out of your system if you truly loved them..but why should you live in misery?? again dont think i dont understand...its because i do that i am writing to you because i dont want u to keep going through this...

[Road To Joy]

Many users have wasted their time attempting to help you

 

I strongly disagree with this.

[kizik]

You've been here a month, bro. Go look at her backlog.

[Freedom Now]

Sedg,

 

having been here for over a year, and having seen little to no progress in you, I'm just gonna say it:

 

you're dwelling in a cesspool of self-pity. You don't care to get over this guy, at all. Many users have wasted their time attempting to help you, but the same sob story comes out of your keyboard every day. Your first reaction is anger at the user who says things like this - so I expect to get some anger from you, too. I don't know what anyone can say to help you, b/c you have not changed your thought patterns, you live in hell BY CHOICE, and you don't listen whenever anyone tries to help you, anyway.

 

If I recall correctly, you are in counseling. Get a new therapist - you are not making the progress you should. I write to you from a place of patience, but it is limited. Other users know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

Best of luck.

 

Come on, Sedg.

 

Enough is ENOUGH.

 

LET IT GO.

 

We have but one life to live and you are wasting precious seconds, days, weeks, months, and now, years for NO REASON.

 

He is gone. It is over.

 

We have all lost (or will lose) someone that we love. Loss is a part of life. Not one of us can escape it. Either by death, divorce, or a breakup....we all must learn how to cope when it happens to us.

 

And it is hard. We know that pain. Those of us who have endured it know that pain. But, we must learn to persevere through it. Even though our relationships may be over, our LIVES aren't.

 

Pick yourself up and move on.

 

Once you do, you will find your joy.

 

(And I say this with patience, also...)

[Road To Joy]

You've been here a month, bro. Go look at her backlog.

 

I know, I have. I just don't think anything said to her was time wasted or anything along those lines. I'm sure it helped her out in some way, whether big or small.

[LostLamb]

Two years?! I feel bad for thinking about my ex six months on. Why are you still in love with him after two years? I hope this isn't what fate has in store for me but I have recently accepted that he will always be in my heart somehow.

It's weird the amount of people on here whose ex's get back in contact-I always knew mine wouldn't and would find happiness as my life became worse. I was right. Your ex has won if you NEVER move on , go on a date or meet up with someone. Sometimes the best you can do is to force yourself . unless you want to end up like Miss Haversham covered in cobwebs and missing him decades on.

[PinkToes]

I'm a big fan of celebrating success, and your breakup has been so painful that I would encourage you to do something positive to commemorate:

 

You've survived 2 years.

 

You're feeling better than you were 2 years ago, 1 year ago, whatever.

 

You've been strong enough to maintain strict NC.

 

You still have a life; an interesting and impressive life.

 

These are victories.

 

Find something that will remind you of your survival. Buy something cool that supports one of your passions. Get a piercing, a tattoo, a new silver ring. Do something physically challenging or scary. Plant a tree. Go to a beach and write something positive in the sand. Get a goldfish. Name her Gloria Gaynor.

 

There are a lot of rituals for letting go. Now's the time for you to look at what remains, and celebrate every bit of that!

[sedgwick]

Ha, PinkToes, I think a goldfish named Gloria Gaynor is EXACTLY what I need.

 

Again, everyone, thank you for your support. I appreciate it. Yes I am better than I was two years ago, and I hope two years from now I'll be even better. Maybe even dating again!

 

Kizik, I'm sorry you feel that way! I don't know how you force yourself to get over someone -- if I knew how to let go, I would. I did indeed recently start seeing a new therapist and have been posting updates about that here. I'm sorry you didn't see those, I always appreciate your input! Peace.

[shadowplay]

Ha, PinkToes, I think a goldfish named Gloria Gaynor is EXACTLY what I need.

 

Again, everyone, thank you for your support. I appreciate it. Yes I am better than I was two years ago, and I hope two years from now I'll be even better. Maybe even dating again!

 

Kizik, I'm sorry you feel that way! I don't know how you force yourself to get over someone -- if I knew how to let go, I would. I did indeed recently start seeing a new therapist and have been posting updates about that here. I'm sorry you didn't see those, I always appreciate your input! Peace.

 

SEDG -- I have to agree with Kizik. I find it really sad to read your posts because there's such a strain of hopelessness/fatalism running through them. In many ways you remind me of the user ARIADNE. You both seem stuck in some bizarre fantasy world revolving around the men you lost. It's like you're in a coma and people keep trying to shake you out of it but your eyes won't open. There's an unwillingness to let go and move on. You're incredibly stubborn. Do you see that?

 

The first step is accepting that HE'S NOT the love of your life, that he's not the one. If you can't accept that, you can't move on. I get the sense you're afraid to believe that, because then you'll have to come to terms with the fact that you lost two years of your life over somebody who wasn't worth it. Let me say it again, you just wasted two precious years of your life because you decided to. Scary, but it's the truth. Look it in the f*&cking face. Stop being so goddamn stubborn, and just accept the harsh reality for what it is: you have singlehandedly made your own life miserable.

 

Stop saying "if I could move on I would." That's BULL. You can move on, but actions come before emotions. The only way to move on is to push yourself out of your comfort zone, start getting out of your house more and really living. The emotional response will be delayed. At first these actions will seem empty, but eventually your spirits will catch up.

 

You're not living. You're a dead shell of a person.

 

For god sakes, woman, have an ounce of courage and open your eyes.

[roghornio]

Sedg,

 

having been here for over a year, and having seen little to no progress in you, I'm just gonna say it:

 

you're dwelling in a cesspool of self-pity. You don't care to get over this guy, at all. Many users have wasted their time attempting to help you, but the same sob story comes out of your keyboard every day. Your first reaction is anger at the user who says things like this - so I expect to get some anger from you, too. I don't know what anyone can say to help you, b/c you have not changed your thought patterns, you live in hell BY CHOICE, and you don't listen whenever anyone tries to help you, anyway.

 

If I recall correctly, you are in counseling. Get a new therapist - you are not making the progress you should. I write to you from a place of patience, but it is limited. Other users know exactly what I'm talking about.

 

Best of luck.

 

I have to agree... it's been a looooong time since i been here, but i do check back now and again to see if there's still anyone around i remember.

I can't believe you're still here (both of you )

 

Sedgewick:

I have no idea why you can't let go of this - 2 years is a long time, and a huge part of your life you have more or less thrown away. I don't think there is anything anyone can say or do to help you really... it's almost like you don't want to give this up - perhaps because the pain/heartache is really all you have left of him? No matter how much it hurts i think you still see it as a connection to him - do you find yourself talking to people about him just because it's a way of holding on? You seem to like reminding yourself. By filling your life with other things (and i know you have) with time the pain and the memories of this person do fade away.. and yes that hurts that you are losing them and letting go - but it's how you heal. The conversations you had or the things you did that are so vivid - one day you try and remember them and you forget the date, what they were wearing, the spng that was playing or whatever little details that were so vivid in your mind. They go.

 

Anyways, i'm not putting you down - we all know these things are seriously tough to get through... but it can be done - you two are the only names i remember from here (does anyone remember XYZ ? That guy made me laugh )- the rest have moved on it would seem - i really hope you can!

Good luck... i'll check back in another couple of months and i hope (neither !) of you are here.

[sedgwick]

You're not living. You're a dead shell of a person.

 

I'm sorry you feel that way! I feel as though I'm doing a lot of really fun and exciting stuff. I just can't seem to stop thinking about this person.

 

I'm getting so much "get over it," and no real advice on how to do so. It's sort of like when I had an eating disorder and I'd be told to "just eat." I'd love it if it were that simple! Any concrete suggestions as opposed to "tough love" would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[roghornio]

I'm sorry you feel that way! I feel as though I'm doing a lot of really fun and exciting stuff. I just can't seem to stop thinking about this person.

 

I'm getting so much "get over it," and no real advice on how to do so. It's sort of like when I had an eating disorder and I'd be told to "just eat." I'd love it if it were that simple! Any concrete suggestions as opposed to "tough love" would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

 

I'm afraid there is not answer or advice that can be given that you have not been given a thousand times before - if it was as simple as following a few simple steps, or if there was something that would take the pain away there would not be places like this... and perversely the feeling of love and being in love would not really exist... or at least wouldn't be so intense or important.

 

Here's a suggestion - though you may not think it a very good one.

Turn of your computer and don't visit this place for a month - if your out having fun and doing exciting things, then perhpas coming here and reminding yourself is actually doing you no good. If you weren't here ruminating and out doing the fun exciting things perhaps your mind would be distracted for a change?

[Thaddeus]

I don't have all the backstory so bear with me for a moment.

 

Sedgwick (love the alias!) it's possible that you may have a mild case of OCD. That's not an insult, it's just an observation of what you've written:

I'm sorry you feel that way! I feel as though I'm doing a lot of really fun and exciting stuff. I just can't seem to stop thinking about this person.

 

I'm getting so much "get over it," and no real advice on how to do so. It's sort of like when I had an eating disorder and I'd be told to "just eat." I'd love it if it were that simple! Any concrete suggestions as opposed to "tough love" would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

You don't have to live like that. I respectfully suggest that you speak with a mental health professional. Your family doctor may be able to point you in the right direction.

 

For the record, lots of hugely successful people have struggled with OCD, from Charles Darwin to Albert Einstein to Harrison Ford. See http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/famous-ocd.shtml.

[sedgwick]

Iit's almost like you don't want to give this up - perhaps because the pain/heartache is really all you have left of him? No matter how much it hurts i think you still see it as a connection to him - do you find yourself talking to people about him just because it's a way of holding on?

 

It's more like because I promised him I'd always love him, and a part of me feels I need to keep that promise. When he left me, he said, "You'll find someone else," and I said, "No, I won't; I found you." He was always telling me how honesty was the most important thing to him, and yet he lied to me for a year by telling me he loved me. He told me I could trust him, and that was a lie too. So I want to be the one who DIDN'T lie.

 

I do talk to pretty much everyone I meet about him, unfortunately. I know this is weird and that I shouldn't, but you're absolutely right, I see it as all I have left of a connection to him. It's all I have of the person I love. But hey, at least I'm not contacting HIM, right? He will never be able to say I acted crazy or stalked him, and I do feel proud of that.

 

And yes, I know you're right, I do need to leave my computer and go out more. There have been times I've left this site for a month or two, but it has always been a place to which I could return when I felt sad. I see now, of course, that I've asked for my limit of support and shouldn't post here about him anymore. I'll stop bugging you guys about my feelings. I didn't know I had a time limit for getting over him, but from what everyone is telling me, I've reached it and will only get "tough love" if I ask for help again.

[roghornio]

It's more like because I promised him I'd always love him, and a part of me feels I need to keep that promise.

 

Do you realise how silly this is? He has not put his life on hold for you (quite the opposite), don't think you should for him. If you're not careful a lot of good things and potential partners are going to slip you by...

 

Do you want to be feeling like this in a couple of years time?

What about 5 or 10 years time?

 

What do you think he would say to you if he heard you say the above?

 

If the shoe was on the other foot and an you heard of an ex partner (who you finished with) say these kind of things what would you think?

 

 

I'll stop bugging you guys about my feelings, even when I need help.

 

This is exactly what this is place is for, don't confuse it for anything else.

[sedgwick]

If the shoe was on the other foot and an you heard of an ex partner (who you finished with) say these kind of things what would you think?

 

I have an ex from college who recently found me online, and within a couple of weeks of us starting to chat again, he broke up with his girlfriend of two years and told me he'd been waiting 20 years to flirt with me again. He started trying to get me to come to visit him and reconcile, even though he lives in AR and I live in NY. Of course I was freaked out and immediately ceased contact. This is why I am resolute in the NC with Joe and will never allow him to know I'm still sitting out here thinking of him.

 

it's possible that you may have a mild case of OCD. That's not an insult, it's just an observation of what you've written:You don't have to live like that. I respectfully suggest that you speak with a mental health professional.

 

I've written quite extensively here on LS about my psych issues and treatment. I'm currently at work on a memoir about my long history of treatment for an eating disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, in which I detail the treatment process of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and the lifelong string of shrinks and diagnoses. My bookshelf is a treasure trove of literature on every mental illness and treatment methodology you can imagine. Currently I'm doing EMDR in an attempt to deal with the trauma of the breakup.

[broken_promises]

I honestly believe that some people have a MUCH harder time "moving on" than other people. I can definitely be one of them. The fact that you had (have?) an eating disorder (I do too) feels indicative of the kind of obsessive thought pattern combined with flashback-grade emotional memory that makes it so difficult to not fixate on something in the mind. When this is coupled with our belief that we are worthless/unlovable, it can just mess us up for very LONG periods of time that other people have a hard time understanding. In my own life, I have routinely been the recipient of "you just want to be miserable" or "just get over it already" comments that don't grasp what my brain is doing to fixate so heavily on things.

 

The other day I was going through stuff that was in storage at my mom's house. If she asked me something about a clothing item or anything, I could tell her exactly when I wore it, who I was with, etc. She was just like, "You REMEMBER all that?!" in total disbelief. I explained that yes... I remember EVERYTHING which makes getting over things that much harder because when something triggers a memory (a smell, an item, etc.) it is like I am RIGHT THERE all over again.

 

So, while I might not hold onto the misery of a breakup as long as you have, I totally understand the inability to find some way out of the fixation of your own mind. It is great that you are doing a lot of things in your life and seeing a new therapist. I can honestly tell you that dating is something that has helped me break fixations with exes in the past. It feels awful at first and like you are faking it... but it actually does help a lot.

[broken_promises]

I've written quite extensively here on LS about my psych issues and treatment. I'm currently at work on a memoir about my long history of treatment for an eating disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, in which I detail the treatment process of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and the lifelong string of shrinks and diagnoses. My bookshelf is a treasure trove of literature on every mental illness and treatment methodology you can imagine. Currently I'm doing EMDR in an attempt to deal with the trauma of the breakup.

 

Ahh... right here with you. Borderline/ED. Most people don't understand the Borderline thing. It honestly feels like that has been the cause of most of my failed relationships (which, of course, is super painful.)

 

One thing that has helped a lot (I know DBT and EMDR are very successful for Borderline treatment) has been hypnotherapy, actually. Regular therapy never did much for me. EMDR is very similar to hypno... hypno helped to deal with some of the underlying issues that caused a lot of my psych issues/coping mechanisms.

[sedgwick]

The fact that you had (have?) an eating disorder (I do too) feels indicative of the kind of obsessive thought pattern combined with flashback-grade emotional memory that makes it so difficult to not fixate on something in the mind. When this is coupled with our belief that we are worthless/unlovable, it can just mess us up for very LONG periods of time that other people have a hard time understanding. In my own life, I have routinely been the recipient of "you just want to be miserable" or "just get over it already" comments that don't grasp what my brain is doing to fixate so heavily on things.

 

I could have written this myself!!! Yes, EXACTLY. It took me 12 years to get over my first love. I dated others in that time, even married someone else, but I was always in love with him, and would have taken him back in a heartbeat. It wasn't until he appeared out of the blue, wanting to come and stay at my apartment while visiting my city, writing me and telling me everything he remembered about our sex life, that I finally got a chance for closure. He showed up and treated me like utter sh*t, wouldn't hang out with me, wouldn't invite me out with his other friends, and told me he wouldn't be making any moves on me because I was "incapable of not making everything a VERY BIG DEAL," and I finally, once and for all, got over him. I told him to go find a hotel since that was all he seemed to want, and cut off all contact with him from that moment on. So I'm not some loser who follows guys around begging me to love them; I'm very good at the NC. It's just that I have a hell of a time getting over them when I'm really in love. Joe is the only person I've ever loved like I loved my first, and I really hate thinking it might take another decade to get over him.

 

Always before I've rushed right into dating after a relationship ends, but now I haven't been on a date in two years. I'm 38 now, it's not like it was in my 20s. I'm kind of just expecting to be alone for the rest of my life, honestly. At my age, the good ones are either taken or gay.

[kizik]

I can't believe you're still here (both of you )

 

Well dude, I don't have girlfriend. If I did I'm sure I'd be boning her and taking her out to ice cream instead of hanging out here.

 

BUT I don't think being here is a problem in itself. It's what you DO here.

 

Anyway, it's kind of good to see you, rog.

[shadowplay]

I'm sorry you feel that way! I feel as though I'm doing a lot of really fun and exciting stuff. I just can't seem to stop thinking about this person.

 

I'm getting so much "get over it," and no real advice on how to do so. It's sort of like when I had an eating disorder and I'd be told to "just eat." I'd love it if it were that simple! Any concrete suggestions as opposed to "tough love" would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

 

Sedgwick,

 

I apologize if I mischaracterized you. I remember reading you saying in another thread that you rarely leave your house or do anything at this point. I'm really glad to hear things have improved since then, and I hope they continue to get better.

 

I feel like you were dismissive of my response, because you wrote that you're looking for concrete advice on how to get over this guy. However, if you reread my post I DID give you such advice. It may just not have been what you wanted to hear. There's no easily tangible way to get over somebody. It's not like working out where if you do enough crunches/sit-ups, you'll eventually get into shape. A lot of the work has to happen in your mind. As I wrote, the first step (the one you don't seem to be take) is to accept the fact that this guy isn't the love of your life, he's not your "one." Do you realize that? Are you willing to accept that? I don't get the sense that you are, and this is probably what's holding you back. As I wrote it's a scary proposition because it means you wasted all this grief on somebody who wasn't worth it.

 

Also, are you really absolutely doing everything you can to get out in the world, meet new men, etc.? Though you describe your life as "exciting," I have my doubts that you're making your best efforts. Don't give the excuse that you can't date again until you get over this guy. If anything it's the other way around.