Few questions for the experts

[badz2801]

Hey Everyone

 

I need some advice pertaining to several problems I have been dealing with since my breakup with my girl friend. This is going to be hard to explain, so please be patient.

 

1. Since my break up with Rachel I have had many ups and downs, yet I have moved on to some degree. However, I am still faced with one problem. Rachel was my driving force in a lot of ways. She made me feel whole, gave me energy and in general I was very happy. Now that she is gone, I constantly find myself feeling depressed. Now I understand that if you just sit around and sulk its not going to go away. But I have gotten myself involved in activities, friends, hobbies, etc. Yet in the end I still feel empty and everything feels very boring. I use to have an optimistic outlook on life and now I find myself being very pessimistic. Now I know you have to be happy with being alone, I am not happy but I make due. How do you change this outlook? I am starting to feel like this is not just left over from the break up; instead it is actual depression. What is your opinion of this? Have you ever had these same feelings?

 

2. Ok well my next problem is somewhat related to my first problem. It deals with finding another girl friend. Most people consider this to be simple and easy but so far its not. I have been on numerous dates, had numerous interests and even have slept with one girl since Rachel. However, after all these attempts, I did not want any of them as a girl friend. There was something about Rachel that was very special. When I am out with these women, I compare them to her and I am not satisfied. I do not feel a connection with them, nor do I get that butterfly sensation. Instead I find I am the one in total control and have a hard time just having fun. To make matters worse, I constantly look for women that fit a certain physical style. Now I know you should not base whom you love on what they look like. However, I can’t seem to find one that I feel is as attractive as Rachel was. Please remember I am 20 and I still base a lot of my opinions on appearance. Rachel had great legs and a swimmers body, which drove me nuts. I am an athletic person I spend a minimum of three hours in the gym per day. What would be your suggestion in trying to diversify my tastes? How do you train the mind to find more than one body style attractive? Finally, how do you open your heart again yet not too much at the same time?

 

I have been told that maybe it is just not a good time for me to start looking for a girl friend right now. Perhaps that is true, but I am tired of being alone now. I held out through high school to date and I don’t want college to go bye the same way. Rachel was my first serious girl friend, lover, and female friend. I don’t seem to be able to totally let go and I miss her very much. I have already delt with her trying to get me back, said no it will never happen again. Any suggestions on how I should deal with this would be greatly appreciated.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE:

 

1. " Now I know you have to be happy with being alone, I am not happy but I make due. How do you change this outlook?"

 

This happens with time. Ultimately everybody is alone. You make a choice to be happy no matter what your circumstances.

 

2. "I am starting to feel like this is not just left over from the break up; instead it is actual depression. What is your opinion of this?"

 

No, I don't think you have clinical depression. I think you are still hurt from your break up. Some get over it faster than others. Again, time is what you need. You need to feel what you feel. When you start feeling angry instead of depressed, you will be almost there. And it's really OK to be angry with you ex. The more anger you can feel, the sooner you'll be fine. It's one of the last stages of grief.

 

3. " Have you ever had these same feelings?"

 

You betcha. I speak from vast amounts of experience.

 

4. "What would be your suggestion in trying to diversify my tastes?"

 

This, too, happens automatically with time. But exposing yourself to a diversity of people is very helpful. It will be very difficult to make much progress until you get out of your depression. Right now you are stuck emotionally. When you are able to shake Rachel out of your psyche, you'll be able to expand your horizons a lot more and a lot quicker.

 

5. " How do you train the mind to find more than one body style attractive?"

 

You start looking beyond bodies...and you had better. People's bodies change rapidly over time, especially females after they have a child or two. Look into their minds and souls to find their real essence. The greatest happiness you may ever experience could be with a female you may not find quite so perfect bodywise but her heart, soul and intellect make up for that shortcoming a hundred fold.

 

6. "Finally, how do you open your heart again yet not too much at the same time?"

 

Take baby steps. Be patient with yourself. You are not yet healed and ready to give yourself and your love to another woman. It would not be fair to start a relationship anytime soon because it would be a rebound for sure in your state of mind. Get out, have fun, but do not have in mind that you are going to meet the woman of your dreams. That may come in a year or two or three. Believe me, she is worth waiting for. Meanwhile, get to know yourself and get to love yourself much better. Once you do that, you will have more women than you can handle.

[badz2801]

Hey Tony

 

Thank you for your reply, it definatly helps to know someone else has had these same expereinces. Little by little I have been learning how to control my feelings on this subject and it is helping to some degree. It is true that the relationship that I thought I had, was not what I really had. I think this is a common problem with people my age and those who are inexperienced. Luckly I have just purchased a new supercharger for my car, so I have kept myself busy with that.

 

I guess only time in the end will make these feelings go away. For now I think I am just going to stay single until I find that one who knocks me off my feet. There is no point dating someone who does not make you feel special. Maybe this time I can find one with a heart and who exhibits the same strength that I have. I'll try to look past bodies, but at 20 man its hard.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801

[mighty bop]

If you spend 3 hours in the gym everyday, you probably have a pretty nice body. You should have no problems getting another girlfriend. Just keep trying. Forget this Rachel girl man! She's gone!!! There are many more girls out there better than her, rust me........

[badz2801]

Hey Mighty Bop

 

Yes I do have what most people would consider a good body. Yes it is easy to get women. However, it is hard to find a woman that I like. I am just different and picky. I like women who are very confident and pushy. I like to be kept on my toes and challenged by my girl. To be honest I hide my body with baggy clothes. Looking normal makes it harder. I figure it is a surprise for a girl who can see past what I look like.

 

Yeah rach is pretty much a dead end. It's just hard to let go of the first one. It’s even harder, when you learn that you really never had her to begin with. Oh well, just have to learn from it.

 

Good luck, thanks for the help.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801