TXGirl Posted September 21, 2002 Share Posted September 21, 2002 I have been dating a man for 2 months that was beaten as a child until he moved out at 17. He was with his girlfriend for a number of years until she left him out of the blue one day and moved out. He didn't take her back after her 3 month "break" from him. He is very much a gentleman and has shown me many times with his actions that he cares unbelieveably for me and wants a relationship, but in the last month he had to switch jobs and find a new apartment and he has been very depressed and not dealing with his problems well. It is like I have taken a back seat and his calls are getting fewer and farther between. I tried to talk to him about my feelings of wanting to get to know him and not understanding why he is so afraid to even have a relaxing conversation without analyzing and backing off, but he got a little defensive and I feel his pulling away. We were doing so well and I have not smothered him AT ALL during the last 2 months and even told him if he needed some time to take it but after "the talk" I think he feels my discontent and has only called me once since a week ago. I don't know if I should write him off, wait for his call, call him, act like nothing is wrong, or what. As far as he knows right now, I am interested enough to be with him only......none of this totally mushy stuff, we have moved at a nice slow pace. Should I just assume that if he really liked me he would do something about it or is it possible that he is afraid of pursuing something he feels he is not worthy of? Thank you so much, any advice or sharing will help...... TX Girl Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 21, 2002 Share Posted September 21, 2002 There is no point on us speculating as to why this man is behaving as he is because that will give you no definitive answer. Suffice it to say that most people who come from abusive or otherwise dysfunctional childhoods will not be easy people to have relationships with. Until he gets massive psychotherapy or embarks on a long healing journey, you are far better off finding a many who is emotionally together without the kinds of hangups this man will have for some years. I'm sure he is a very nice guy, no doubt about it, but the problems and challenges you will face trying to deal with someone from this sort of background are simply going to put you in a codependent role and prolong the dysfunction. He needs to one day realize he's got problems...and then deal with them. There is no way you can convince him of this either, he will realize it in his own good time. Go find somebody who is a little more together unless you like a lot of chaos and drama in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted September 22, 2002 Share Posted September 22, 2002 he may feel that he does not have anything to offer you right now. He may be doing you a favor. For instance, I know I don't have much to offer someone at this point in my life. Like Tony said, dysfunctional people are difficult people with which to have relationships. Therapy only goes so far as how commited the person to obtaining goals. Healing journeys are fine as long as no one comes along to destroy you in the process. At one point I was ready for a relationship, about 9 months ago. So much has happened since then that I can't see myself wanting intimacy and behaving appropriately for another year. That's what happens when your soul is murdered by someone who wants to play games. But, if you would like to stick it out with this fellow, might I suggest the following: -let him know you are a friend and then behave that way - no flirting, no trying to get him to ask you out, don't ask him to account for his time, etc. He needs to feel that nothing is expected of him right now, because he probably feels drained and has nothing to give -if it is going to work, it will work during this time. If you feel that you are only drifting further apart, then let it go (I know, easier said than done). The reason I say that...when you go through tough times, your priorities change. And the type of person you thought you wanted, may have changed too. That's why relationships are unpredictable and scary. I know that what and who I wanted has completely shifted compared to 9 months ago. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TXGirl Posted September 22, 2002 Author Share Posted September 22, 2002 Thank you both so much for replying to my post. It is funny that I can see the red flags waving in my face and it is so hard to turn the other cheek. I feel like I am having a war between my brain and heart. I actually cried about this whole thing today~WOW. Anyhow, I am glad to hear that I am not crazy and that he indeed is screwed up and there is probably nothing I could do to change the situation. One last thing though, he does have something of mine and that would be a good reason to get in touch with him and feel things out. I just wish that he would come to me with his overwhelming feelings for me and that insecurity would not be able to hold him back. Of course this is life and I do realize that I can't make someone act the way I want them to. Plus if I found him and thought he was so great then there must be others!!!!!! Thanks again, TXGirl Link to post Share on other sites
butterflyz Posted September 22, 2002 Share Posted September 22, 2002 There is indeed a war going on in your head, it comes out in your posts (the back and forth feeling). If you really want to let it go, let him keep whatever of yours he has in his possession. Don't even bother to call him. He may or may not have all these feelings for you - you don't know how someone feels until they tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
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