Wait for it....and there it is, the predictable "I miss you" text!

[D-Lish]

Man this is getting old.

 

I was expecting it to happen, but it really riles me up. It seems like everyone I date- for whatever reason, comes out of the wood work with that "I miss you" declaration at some point.

 

I dated someone before xmas for a couple months. Really liked him- but he got cold feet just before xmas and pulled back. I bailed on him and just took off to Florida for xmas alone. He tried to go the friendship route with me to which I said no and went into no contact. The more I ignored, the more he tried to engage me. I went out to pick up my stuff a few weeks ago and had a frank discussion with him about our situation.

 

He once again re-iterated that he couldn't allow himself to get involved with me or anyone because he had commitment issues. (I didn't solicit this info- he was trying to explain himself to me)... Of course he wanted to have a FWB relationship situation... which I again said no to and went back into no contact.

 

On the weekend he was texting me trying to get together- I ignored 3 texts and finally told him I didn't care for him like i used to and wanted to be left alone. That's a lie of course- I do care for him- I just recohnize it will never work and I refuse to give up my self respect by going from being his gf to his booty call. But that text should have been harsh enough to drive him away shouldn't it?

 

So this afternoon- he texts me again that he misses me and wants to meet. ???

 

Trust me when I say that if I was stupid enough to fall back in with him that he would just get cold feet again in a couple months and screw me over. There is no chance of me going back.

 

He's just been playing the push pull game with me for over a month now.

The more I ignore or refuse- the more he steps up his game. I have to admit it hurts. We had a pretty cool 2 months together in which mutual respect was present. I will never go back though. Not after how he treated me.

 

I'm not answering his last text. I just want to continue muddling through getting over him. He makes it difficult though. The last guy I cut off completely, started showing up at my house!

 

This is why when people ask about NC, I can attest that it does have impact on the other person. In my case I don't want him back! Not because I don't still have feelings for him- but because I have respect for myself.

 

I'm just venting really. I know why he acts as he does. It's a combination of guilt, selfishness, and believing he wants what he can no longer have. If I went back to him- he'd bail again once things got to a point of seriousness again.

 

I've learned my lesson by going back to guys like these in the past and getting burned again. So never again.

 

I've told him I don't want to be his friend, told him not to contact me again, told him I didn't care for him like I once did... I thought I was being firm enough. I am realizing that the only way to be firm is to cut it off completely- just not engage in any exchanges whatsoever.

 

I just feel like "how dare you!"... You said you couldn't handle that things were getting serious and we broke up- why not leave it at that! He knows he isn't going to change- I know he isn't going to change- so why try and entice me back when he knows it would lead to hurting me!!! He's just thinking about himself- and the fact that I am a nice person who treated him with respect and was a pretty awesome gf doesn't seem to enter his mind.

 

I don't need him or anyone like him in my life. I've had this problem in the past with others. I know this is a deficiency in the partners I choose to engage with. I also know I have to get a handle on my boundary issues.

 

I'm working on that still. Trying to sort out why I date the wrong people.

Is it just best to keep ignoring for good? I'm thinking that's my problem- that I'll asnwer his texts here and there- even though it's to tell him to leave me alone. Perhaps any attention makes him feel there is a way back in.

 

I am thinking I must just not answer at all and hope he grows tired and goes away for good.

 

He's off my msn, blocked on email... but my phone does not have a blocked caller option- I went through the whole manual.

 

It's impeding my healing process... and I want to move on and heal.

[Peter_pan]

hey D ! well i will tell you my opinion, you are an amazing gal and thats why he misses ya

 

but more seriously he is a selfish being who dosnt have his head screwed on.

 

you can normally phone up the phone tariff company who your with and get them to block specific numbers

 

stay strong and take it easy

 

xx

[D-Lish]

hey D ! well i will tell you my opinion, you are an amazing gal and thats why he misses ya

 

but more seriously he is a selfish being who dosnt have his head screwed on.

 

you can normally phone up the phone tariff company who your with and get them to block specific numbers

 

stay strong and take it easy

 

xx

 

Thanks Petey-Pete-Pete... I'm trying:o

 

I hope you are well too. I keep missing you on msn! I saw your thread about the e-mail- I didn't respond because I though we'd chat on msn soon enough.

 

You hold strong too babe. talk to you soon- and thanks for the kind words of support.

xo

D

[Posco_Proudfoot]

What did you mean by "he got cold feet and pulled back"?

He stopped calling all the sudden or decided he wanted to just be friends?

Sounds goofy.

[Angel1111]

The guy's an idiot.

 

The title of your post, however, was hysterical. Thank you for the laugh.

 

You're doing the right thing. Stay with it, girlfriend!

[D-Lish]

What did you mean by "he got cold feet and pulled back"?

He stopped calling all the sudden or decided he wanted to just be friends?

Sounds goofy.

 

What I meant was everything was going great- xmas was approaching and we were talking about plans. I asked him if he wanted to spend xmas together... and he just checked out. That was too serious for him. I saw his face change- I saw him get scared!

 

He pulled away and stopped texting and calling and making dates after that. we had been seeing each other 3-4 days a week up until then- but he pulled the contact away, just distanced himself from me for a week. I confronted him- and he said he felt we had gotten too close and that he couldn't deal with it. I broke up with him at that time.

 

THEn- I took off to Florida and he continued to try and make friendly text convos. I told him I didn't want to be friends.... asked him to leave me alone.

 

he came on stronger wanting to be FWB- I said NO again... and ignored him again.

 

NOW- he has texted saying he misses me and wants to talk.

 

It is goofy- he's not a teenager.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

What I meant was everything was going great- xmas was approaching and we were talking about plans. I asked him if he wanted to spend xmas together... and he just checked out. That was too serious for him. I saw his face change- I saw him get scared!

 

He pulled away and stopped texting and calling and making dates after that. we had been seeing each other 3-4 days a week up until then- but he pulled the contact away, just distanced himself from me for a week. I confronted him- and he said he felt we had gotten too close and that he couldn't deal with it. I broke up with him at that time.

 

THEn- I took off to Florida and he continued to try and make friendly text convos. I told him I didn't want to be friends.... asked him to leave me alone.

 

he came on stronger wanting to be FWB- I said NO again... and ignored him again.

 

NOW- he has texted saying he misses me and wants to talk.

 

It is goofy- he's not a teenager.

Yea, he has some commitment issues or something. If he can't handle XMAS what will he be like when something serious goes on.

[D-Lish]

Yea, he has some commitment issues or something. If he can't handle XMAS what will he be like when something serious goes on.

 

That was the deciding factor for me.

 

It's just hard because I am working so hard at maintaing NC... and all will be quiet for a week, then he starts up... and I feel bad again.

[sedgwick]

I just wanted to say I'm proud of you.

 

And too bad for him! He missed his chance! Tough cookies, Mr. I'm-Scared-of-Commitment!!

[Posco_Proudfoot]

That was the deciding factor for me.

 

It's just hard because I am working so hard at maintaing NC... and all will be quiet for a week, then he starts up... and I feel bad again.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177389/

 

 

I got the same problem. I want and maintain NC. The way my ex uses the excuse leaving things still at the house and ask about it via email or phone call.

 

Its a joy joy life I got going.

[pandagirl]

Ugh. D! I knew he was going to do this! It's so textbook. And it's so true, once you hear from them, it starts you reeling again. HE NEEDS TO GO AWAY.

 

He's knows he let a good one get away, but unfortunately it is DUNZO. The end, buddy.

 

You are a very strong lady. Keep on keepin' on with the no contact and let him drown in his pathetic sea of regret.

[D-Lish]

Ugh. D! I knew he was going to do this! It's so textbook. And it's so true, once you hear from them, it starts you reeling again. HE NEEDS TO GO AWAY.

 

He's knows he let a good one get away, but unfortunately it is DUNZO. The end, buddy.

 

You are a very strong lady. Keep on keepin' on with the no contact and let him drown in his pathetic sea of regret.

 

Thanks Sedge- as you know it's hard to stay away from someone you care about but know you can never be with.

 

Are there really that many commitment phobes out there? I didn't think it was that common. Why do I keep choosing guys with commitment issues.

 

I knew he would do this also Panda. I also know he might go away- but he'll contact me again in six months. I just know.

 

Has commitment phobia become an epidemic? I thought it was like narcissicm- in that it wasn't that common, but often mistaken for other issues that could be resolved. I think I have dated 6 CP's in 6 years. Do they really have Cp- or is it something else?

 

Cp isn't supoosed to apply to a large percentage of the population- but I experience and read here about so many people that seem to run into these people.

[pandagirl]

Has commitment phobia become an epidemic? I thought it was like narcissicm- in that it wasn't that common, but often mistaken for other issues that could be resolved. I think I have dated 6 CP's in 6 years. Do they really have Cp- or is it something else?

 

Cp isn't supoosed to apply to a large percentage of the population- but I experience and read here about so many people that seem to run into these people.

 

I don't know if it's as much commitment phobia as it has to do with people being emotionally unavailable or having emotional dysfunction. Sure, I guess that falls under the umbrella of CP, but some people are just too afraid to get close to someone, which is why they want what they can't have, then run as soon as they get it.

[irishsimon]

I'm vaguely in the guys position here.

 

I pulled away from a wonderful girl and a budding relationship around Xmas as I became depressed. The down period lasted for about 3 weeks in all. We did see each other during the time and it was really lovely and there was plenty heartfelt connection for both of us.... but when it came to doing things like meeting all her workmates for Xmas dinner where i was the only new face or her big family gathering..well at that time... I just couldn't handle it . Having read your post I'm wondering if my subconscious was feeling a bit anti-commitment too. I don't think so but it has got me reflecting. Which is always a good thing.

 

There had been a death and two incidents of cancer in my close family this year and I had to look after one of them, my freelance work had dried up in June due to the economy and I'd only worked 5 weeks around Sept..out of the blue..where I met this girl funnily enough.... I was getting turned down for crap jobs as I was over qualified, I was skint, she was working. You can see what I'm saying.

 

I ended up ashamed of myself for getting into such a bad position in my life. I just slumped. This led to a period of negative thinking and my self esteem went down the toilet. I couldn't go out to these public events as i felt like **** and was worried I'd have nothing to say (very unlike me) and they would take a negative view of me especially her family.

 

I would like to think I hadn't had the chance to really process the events of the past year. I think the end of the year is a time when many of us reflect and let go a bit. Sometimes things just hit you out of nowhere. This had been my first venture back into seeing someone in 2 years after a very vexing 5 years with my previous girlfriend. I look at your guys commitment issue and wonder if i was somehow in the same boat. I know I wanted to be with her and we both were talking about the future.. So I'm now confusing myself. I'm not saying there is any excuse for his behaviour. I didn't play the games or act out of desperation but it just struck me as a similar story from the female perspective.

 

She finished it but very nicely though it was actually quite mutual as willingly told her how awful I was and that I didnt know if I was right for her even though I felt she was right for me. Work that out lol. I was just punishing myself for what I had done.

 

Strong girl though..one of the things I liked about her. You have to respect that. I have only sent a few texts to clarify how I felt as she probably became quite confused. Having strong feelings for her probably contributed to my upset so its all a bit of a conundrum. Neither of us really communicated those things as we were too busy enjoying each other and probably too scared to get on that serious tip. It all seems so silly now. We were falling in love up to that point. I dusted myself down quickly as the shock of the break shook me and I'm further on than before I went downhill. Maybe I was always going to get down and she was a gift from the universe to get me out of it fast.

 

So reading your story d-lish, is kinda comforting..It's a good example of how she may be feeling and helps with my acceptance. Her words to me were her emotions had flat-lined and she couldn't just switch them back..they were gone. It helps to erase the hope when i see a post like yours. People can just be direct and mean it.

 

If the world had more strong people everyone would eventually learn to show each other more respect. Good for you. This one's clearly not worth it. he can make a mistake..we all do but he messing you about.

 

I think I'm worth another chance but I cant take it back sadly si I'm coping.

[D-Lish]

I'm vaguely in the guys position here.

 

I pulled away from a wonderful girl and a budding relationship around Xmas as I became depressed. The down period lasted for about 3 weeks in all. We did see each other during the time and it was really lovely and there was plenty heartfelt connection for both of us.... but when it came to doing things like meeting all her workmates for xmas dinner where i was the only new face or her big family gathering..well at that time... I just couldn't handle it . Having read your post I'm wondering if my subconscious was feeling a bit anti-commitment too. I don't think so but it has got me reflecting. Which is always a good thing.

 

There had been a death and two incidents of cancer in my close family this year and I had to look after one of them, my freelance work had dried up in June due to the economy and I'd only worked 5 weeks around Sept..out of the blue..where I met this girl funnily enough.... I was getting turned down for crap jobs as I was over qualified, I was skint, she was working. You can see what I'm saying.

 

I ended up ashamed of myself for getting into such a bad position in my life. I just slumped. This led to a period of negative thinking and my self esteem went down the toilet. I couldn't go out to these public events as i felt like **** and was worried I'd have nothing to say (very unlike me) and they would take a negative view of me..esp her family.

 

I would like to think I hadn't had the chance to really process the events of the past year. I think the end of the year is a time when many of us reflect and let go a bit. Sometimes things just hit you out of nowhere. This had been my venture back into seeing someone in 2 years after a very vexxing 5 years with my previous girlfriend. I look at your guys commitment issue and wonder if i was somehow in the same boat. I know I wanted to be with her and we both were talking about the future.. so I'm now confusing myself. I'm not saying there is any excuse for his behaviour. I didn't play the games or desperation like your guy has but it just struck me as a similar story from the female perspective.

 

She finished it but very nicely though it was actually quite mutual as i even willing participated in telling her how awful I was and that I dont know if I was right for her even though I felt she was right for me. Work that out lol. I was just punishing myself for what I had done.

 

Strong girl though..one of the things I liked about her. You have to respect that. I have only sent a few texts to clarify how I felt as she probably thought it I didnt feel for her at that time. Having strong feelings for her probably contributed to my upset so its all a bit of a conundrum. Neither of us really communicated those things as we were too busy enjoying each other and probably too scared to get on that serious tip. It all seems so silly now. We were falling in love before up to that point. I dusted myself down quickly as the shock of the break shook me and I'm further on than before I went downhill. Maybe I was always going to get down and she was a gift from the universe to get me out of it fast.

 

So somewhat similar and reading your story d-lish, is kinda comforting..It's a good example of how she may be feeling and helps with my acceptance. Her words to me were her emotions had flat-lined and she couldn't just switch them back..they were gone. It helps to erase the hope when i see a post like yours. People can just be direct and mean it.

 

If the world had more strong people everyone would eventually learn to show each other more respect. Good for you. This one's clearly not worth it. he can make a mistake..we all do but he messing you about.

 

I think I'm worth but I cant take it back sadly.

 

Well I'll tell you, it really hurt me when he distanced himself from me me so coldly. We had such a good thing going- no fights or arguements- I was totally laid back. We were so compatible in every way. I've never had so much fun with anyone in my life.

 

I do remember that he used to say to me that after meeting me, he was going to be ruined for all others... because the sex and companionship would never compare. I know now that him saying that was a red flag- he always planned on leaving me at some point.

 

I know it's not nice to think like this- but I hope he looks back someday and realizes he made a horrible mistake.

 

At this point I think he is just thinking he wants to be with me because he thinks he can't have me- I am a challenge all of a sudden.

 

But yeah, it's about self respect for me at this point. Going back would a bad choice to make.

[Trialbyfire]

I know it's not nice to think like this- but I hope he looks back someday and realizes he made a horrible mistake.

You know he'll be feeling it! They ALL come back, sooner or later.

 

At this point I think he is just thinking he wants to be with me because he thinks he can't have me- I am a challenge all of a sudden.

If he's a true commitment phobe, then yes, it's partially the challenge but also, partially that he just doesn't know if he's coming or going.

But yeah, it's about self respect for me at this point. Going back would a bad choice to make.

I totally agree with this. Keep your chin up Babe! You're strong and more importantly, you deserve respect!

[irishsimon]

Well I'll tell you, it really hurt me when he distanced himself from me me so coldly. We had such a good thing going- no fights or arguements- I was totally laid back. We were so compatible in every way. I've never had so much fun with anyone in my life.

 

I do remember that he used to say to me that after meeting me, he was going to be ruined for all others... because the sex and companionship would never compare. I know now that him saying that was a red flag- he always planned on leaving me at some point.

 

I know it's not nice to think like this- but I hope he looks back someday and realizes he made a horrible mistake.

 

At this point I think he is just thinking he wants to be with me because he thinks he can't have me- I am a challenge all of a sudden.

 

But yeah, it's about self respect for me at this point. Going back would a bad choice to make.

 

Its good for me to hear this as it helps with my coping and helps me blow away the last little annoying bits of hope.

 

It's funny..the girl I went out with for 5 years who I had a torrid time with, used to say I'd spoilt her for anyone else and I never really took it that she expected to move on. She ended up being unfaithful and even told me she had feelings for the local vicar... WTF?

Thats a good red flag I never thought of.

 

I have no doubt he will realise he made a mistake. I think all men do when the mess it up with a great girl. But you want him to contact you for the right reasons, not just the fear of losing what he cant have. It sucks.

[D-Lish]

Its good for me to hear this as it helps with my coping and helps me blow away the last little annoying bits of hope.

 

It's funny..the girl I went out with for 5 years who I had a torrid time with, used to say I'd spoilt her for anyone else and I never really took it that she expected to move on. She ended up being unfaithful and even told me she had feelings for the local vicar... WTF?

Thats a good red flag I never thought of.

 

I have no doubt he will realise he made a mistake. I think all men do when the mess it up with a great girl. But you want him to contact you for the right reasons, not just the fear of losing what he cant have. It sucks.

 

 

Well, I wonder if in your situation- if you really do want to rekindle things- you could do so if you made a bigger effort.

 

I don't think you have a commitment disorder- just perhaps a bad year that clouded yur judgement.

 

If you really feel you have lost out and have no gotten your turmoil straightened out. It mighht be worth it to pursure harder. Believe me- the attraction is still there on her end but if she's like me- she's scared to get hurt again.

 

I'm only saying no way becaue I know this guy is a bonafide CP. That will never lead me anywhere good no matter how much I care for him.

 

Why not try and be open with her- be honest and genuine. I'd say that can work to woo someone back.

 

Just make sure you are ready to go into it for the long haul before you decide to pursue her again. It's only fair.

[D-Lish]

You know he'll be feeling it! They ALL come back, sooner or later.

 

If he's a true commitment phobe, then yes, it's partially the challenge but also, partially that he just doesn't know if he's coming or going.

 

I totally agree with this. Keep your chin up Babe! You're strong and more importantly, you deserve respect!

 

Thanls TBF. A year ago I would have chosen to remain entagled with him because my self esteem sucked. I am in a better place now- so no way will I compromise self respect and keep him in my life.

 

There are plenty of men out there with the capacity to make me happy and respect me. I am going to find me one of those...

[Trialbyfire]

Thanls TBF. A year ago I would have chosen to remain entagled with him because my self esteem sucked. I am in a better place now- so no way will I compromise self respect and keep him in my life.

 

There are plenty of men out there with the capacity to make me happy and respect me. I am going to find me one of those...

I'm lovin' this side of you D. You deserve a wonderful man!

 

Btw, just looked up your weather report. There's snow expected on Thursday. Get out your stiletto boots and go find yourself a snowman!

[irishsimon]

Well, I wonder if in your situation- if you really do want to rekindle things- you could do so if you made a bigger effort.

 

I don't think you have a commitment disorder- just perhaps a bad year that clouded yur judgement.

 

If you really feel you have lost out and have no gotten your turmoil straightened out. It mighht be worth it to pursure harder. Believe me- the attraction is still there on her end but if she's like me- she's scared to get hurt again.

 

I'm only saying no way becaue I know this guy is a bonafide CP. That will never lead me anywhere good no matter how much I care for him.

 

Why not try and be open with her- be honest and genuine. I'd say that can work to woo someone back.

 

Just make sure you are ready to go into it for the long haul before you decide to pursue her again. It's only fair.

 

Ooh that was unexpected....ha ha..did i want to hear that or not? Probably. Head says no though lol.

 

I have had some counseling in my life at various points and i think this is one of those times again...its about self development for me thesedays..and then maybe I will see where she's at. Though i dont expect her to hang about. I'm sure it embarrased her in front of friends and family when I cancelled..like not last min or anything tho. Its too big an ask for her maybe.

 

I take your point on the long haul.. Thanks for your insight. You seem like a very straight and switched woman and that attitude alone deserves better.

 

I dont really have much to offer on your issue that you or the other poster havent already said. but maybe he just spazzed out as he liked you more tnan he cared to mention and that triggered his commitment phobia. I've seen that happen to a number of guys. Still doesnt excuse how he dealt with it.

[2sunny]

there is always the possibility of him reaching out for a booty call.

 

i'm surprised no one else mentioned it yet. if the sex was that good- he may be texting only when the urge strikes him.

 

just pointing out the obvious... but i could be wrong.

 

i like the fact that you are being strong DL.

[D-Lish]

there is always the possibility of him reaching out for a booty call.

 

i'm surprised no one else mentioned it yet. if the sex was that good- he may be texting only when the urge strikes him.

 

just pointing out the obvious... but i could be wrong.

 

i like the fact that you are being strong DL.

 

Oh, of course he wants that too, you're not wrong!

 

He sends racy texts, aloof texts, romantic texts... he's all over the place. Then he's off the radar for a week- and starts over again.

 

He did mention wanting a FWB arrangement the last time I saw him and I said no.

 

I guess basically, I am now just waiting it out until I am over him.

[D-Lish]

I'm lovin' this side of you D. You deserve a wonderful man!

 

Btw, just looked up your weather report. There's snow expected on Thursday. Get out your stiletto boots and go find yourself a snowman!

 

Oh...we got the snow today!!! Started around midnight last night- 10cm already and much more to come. I got a snow day today and perhaps tomorrow.

 

I have all these beautiful boots and shoes just waiting to be worn... but can't bust them out in this weather!

 

Do you guys have much snow at the moment?

[Trialbyfire]

Oh...we got the snow today!!! Started around midnight last night- 10cm already and much more to come. I got a snow day today and perhaps tomorrow.

 

I have all these beautiful boots and shoes just waiting to be worn... but can't bust them out in this weather!

 

Do you guys have much snow at the moment?

Haha...spray with protector and you'll be good to go. Sex'em up girlfriend and get out there!

 

Yes, we got a skiff yesterday. I'm tired of this stuff. Grrr...