The JOY of friendship with your EX G/F B/F

[Sysyphus28]

Let me tell you folks......friendship with my ex has been one of the solid most lamest/ half-assed/ guarded experiences of my entire life.

It is the corniest fakest sh** I have ever tried to do............

 

Like I can get it out of my head(remember the time we were in the shower and...............) Cmon...........get real.

 

We spent years with this "NEW" old friend and have been so intimate and close with them.........now your talking about the Fu**ing weather and how pretty the leaves are when they change. Laughing about old memories when you could be out thier making new ones.

 

You think that these people would have shown you REAL sympathy when they dumped your ass...........NO....you did all the healing leg-work, all the NC work, all the self-evaluation, all the suffering and asking for advice, all the posting on LS, all the sleepless nights, all the rough mornings, all the uneaten dinners, all the relapse breakdowns............

now your scrambling around trying to create some imaginary re-connection and deep friendship. You are doing even more work to be in this person's life. YOU ARE DOING EVEN MORE WORK TO BE IN THIS PERSON'S LIFE.

 

--- What the hell is this person good for anymore?

if they don't want what you REALLY want. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Listening to my ex blabber on about her new life last sunday opened my eyes to who she is. She has justified her leaving me.

 

You know what you want! You want your comfort zone back....your boo back...your baby, the lover you knew, the lady you knew......and now you/I/whoever is settling for guarded/lame/fake friendships. These "friendships" are about as CRAP-TASTIC as it gets. You are carefully controlling your emotions to NOT focus too much on the past, you are wondering who they texting under the table write next to you. You want to see them again because you think if it keeps going good you can get with your ex again..........NEEDY NEEDY NEEDY NEEDY!

 

They are lying because they are with someone, you are lying because you are too.........you let out half-truths to try and be honest, they do too.

 

Thier comes a time when WE have to stop talking to our dumper who found whatever reason(and thier are always reasons.......)to LET US GO..

 

We wanted a romantic connection why settle for some bull**** half-ass friendship.

 

Please Reply, I need some supporters! I need to get rid of this fake "friend" for GOOD!!!

[foxh1234]

You are 100% correct, great post. I didn't and will not offer friendship to my ex. A friend of mine would never lie to me. She is not friend material.

[sedgwick]

You are totally correct, but for the love of god, please end sentences with periods instead of ellipsis with a dozen dots! MY EYES!!!! (And btw, it's actually spelled "Sisyphus.")

[EmperorR]

I love this thread, I agree with it so much. Why break your back sacrifice so much stuff just to be friends f that. 41 days nc for me I'll never go back to just be friends. I'd rather be friends with a goldfish.

[HighPlainsDrifter]

Hey Sys,

I understand you not completely wanting to "Let Go" and still have whatever kind of tie to your ex. You certainly aren't the only one to want this, and won't be the last. I think people need to realize that they are further empowering their ex when they attempt to do this so early after a split. They are making the transition easier for them, and harder for you. You are still hearing the day to day typical throw me a bone type stuff, and they are saving the "good" stuff for their "new" person. If they have cheated on you, you are only alleviating their guilt because "hey, we're still friends".

 

Don't ease their conscience (if they have one) at your own expense. Practice self-preservation. This isn't best for you. It's best for them.

 

HPD

[cashley]

I agree. When its OVER its OVER.

 

My X wants 'friendship'...but, I see no point. I want to get ON with my LIFE, and that means to 'forget' about him, and all those great memories my 'rose' coloured memories...Love only remebers what it wants to, and love can be blind, even when its over, love can rule the head, and memories are stronger than the real deal.

 

Even though he WAS my partner and best friend for 2 1/2 years, and I get pangs of missing him, and wanting to tell him things that are going on, and new songs hed like that I hear, how well im doing with my book..health stuff, theres NO POINT.

 

YES ITS SAD.

Break ups are SAD by nature.

 

The only reason I need to speak to him, is when I cant find the freakin nuts and bolts for my BED!!!!(dammit..2 months!!) I caved. Yes we miss eachother...of course.

 

BUT now I FOUND my nuts and bolts....theres no REASON to ever speak again.

 

I would have LOVED to stay in touch with the KIDS, but they might tell his new jealous girlfiend (thats my new word for her, what a cool typo!)

 

FORGET their number!!!!!!!!!!! * buy a new bed honestly..it aint worth it!

[Hersheys]

It is the corniest fakest sh** I have ever tried to do............

 

These "friendships" are about as CRAP-TASTIC as it gets.

 

:laugh:

 

The 'let's be friends' line is pure bull. Never settle for a friendship with an ex. You will just torture yourself.

[northstar1]

Let me tell you folks......friendship with my ex has been one of the solid most lamest/ half-assed/ guarded experiences of my entire life.

It is the corniest fakest sh** I have ever tried to do............

 

Like I can get it out of my head(remember the time we were in the shower and...............) Cmon...........get real.

 

We spent years with this "NEW" old friend and have been so intimate and close with them.........now your talking about the Fu**ing weather and how pretty the leaves are when they change. Laughing about old memories when you could be out thier making new ones.

 

You think that these people would have shown you REAL sympathy when they dumped your ass...........NO....you did all the healing leg-work, all the NC work, all the self-evaluation, all the suffering and asking for advice, all the posting on LS, all the sleepless nights, all the rough mornings, all the uneaten dinners, all the relapse breakdowns............

now your scrambling around trying to create some imaginary re-connection and deep friendship. You are doing even more work to be in this person's life. YOU ARE DOING EVEN MORE WORK TO BE IN THIS PERSON'S LIFE.

 

--- What the hell is this person good for anymore?

if they don't want what you REALLY want. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Listening to my ex blabber on about her new life last sunday opened my eyes to who she is. She has justified her leaving me.

 

You know what you want! You want your comfort zone back....your boo back...your baby, the lover you knew, the lady you knew......and now you/I/whoever is settling for guarded/lame/fake friendships. These "friendships" are about as CRAP-TASTIC as it gets. You are carefully controlling your emotions to NOT focus too much on the past, you are wondering who they texting under the table write next to you. You want to see them again because you think if it keeps going good you can get with your ex again..........NEEDY NEEDY NEEDY NEEDY!

 

They are lying because they are with someone, you are lying because you are too.........you let out half-truths to try and be honest, they do too.

 

Thier comes a time when WE have to stop talking to our dumper who found whatever reason(and thier are always reasons.......)to LET US GO..

 

We wanted a romantic connection why settle for some bull**** half-ass friendship.

 

Please Reply, I need some supporters! I need to get rid of this fake "friend" for GOOD!!!

 

Very true. You simply cannot be friends with an ex, at least not in the first year or so after a breakup. You are not friends, familiar acquaintances is what you are.

Friends share honest details about their lives to you - which you don't want from an ex. You don't want to know how great their lives are, or about that new person they've met. Everything in communication is censored and run through a "ex" filter, especially if they still care about your feelings.

 

And you both play the "my life is great" game.

 

It's not natural, or healthy unless you've both fully moved on and put the feelings and nostalgia in a box.

[MichiganMan222]

Think about it! There's no good or right time for them. If you're alone, they impede your efforts and will to find someone new....so what about when you HAVE someone new? NOPE!!!! That just pisses the new gf/bf, and rightfully so!

 

Down with romances turned friendships. They are evil and poisonous.

[lofi_tokyo]

You are totally correct, but for the love of god, please end sentences with periods instead of ellipsis with a dozen dots! MY EYES!!!! (And btw, it's actually spelled "Sisyphus.")

 

Sedgwick, your post made me laugh so hard. Gogo English Majors! I was thinking the same thing, the over use of "..." KILLS ME! lol

[Meaplus3]

Great post Sys. Going back to "Lets be Friends" after romantic involvement is a crock of Sh*T and one big waste of time. I only wish I knew that back when I was in the middle of it all with a guy. At least I know now and will never make that mistake again.

 

AP:)

[CaliGuy]

I have always maintained that friends with an EX does nobody any good....

[lofi_tokyo]

I agree too with ya Sys. Last time I talked to my ex (on AIM), I closed saying I was happy with the break up (I am... now lol) and that I'm cool being friends, I didn't really mean the last part.

 

Hes honestly not that great of a guy, and while he may have been a bad boyfriend, I suspect hes an even worse friend (because the few friends he has had in life have all at some point closed their doors to him, or came to me in anger at him). So.. I suppose I said "lets be friends" just to like, well you know I'm not sure! Why DID I say it? I guess so he thought I was calm cool and collected, and not feeling he was a bad person. Much like when someone you know but arn't friends with talks to you like a friend so you kind of say "we need to catch up sometime" but never do. Same thing.

 

Being friends with ex's is for the birds. lol

[sumdude]

 

BUT now I FOUND my nuts and bolts....theres no REASON to ever speak again.

 

 

I think the OP is in the process of finding his own again too.

 

That's part of the process. Empowering yourself to not give into that desire for contact with someone who doesn't want you and most likely lied and disrespected you in some way or another.

[selena_cat]

sys,

I feel as though you too the words right out of my head!!

i'm now on LC with the ex, and even i know its not a great idea b/c i did it before-It never work, why

b/c they will keep you as standby,

throw breadcrumbs at you like you throw to hungry pigeons

dont do it Sys, i am not going to continue this LC because

No it is not okay the way he treated me ,and they were not the ones that were hurting we were,so why make them think everythings okay after the hell they put you through!!

my thing is, i just wanted to hear him say that he was inflicted with a deadly disease,or that Karma kicked his butt, here is for trying to keep your enemies closer.

Thanks for writing this post,really it does no good to be friends, they already have it easy by ditching us

so why make it easier by sticking around

[ahhhchooo]

Being 'friends' with my ex drove me up the friggin' wall. The worst part of all was when she talked about "making a mistake" and wishing she could change things. Then 5 minutes later I'm a 14th choice in list of priorities and I don't see her again for days... feeling physically sick with crushed hope.

 

No way. Never again.

[Peter_pan]

reading this made my decision to go NC and not be her friend seem like the right idea

[Ingenue]

Being friends with an ex so soon after a break up is most likely liable to cause some serious teeth grinding. Both parties, regardless of who did the dumping, need to emotionally process the event and that can only achieved with distance and time. In the initial stages of my break up, I thought that I could be friends with my ex. But it's now just passing the 4 month mark of the dump date and I am in no way mentally ready to be friends with him. I haven't even bothered to speak to him.

 

I think friendship is attainable but only after a long period of time apart, when both of you view each other as just another person and don't mind that you're talking about the weather or the basketball scores or doling out advice. But in the initial months after a break up, you don't need to be friends with an ex because you are not his/her support system anymore. You're not responsible for your ex's emotional baggage anymore, especially not in the capacity as his/her "friend".

 

And frankly, if you're the dumpee (as I am), you don't have to assuage your dumper's sense of guilt by how they may have ended things by establishing a friendship. Your first priority should always be you.

[BikerBeagle]

Sadly, my ex and I were friends long before we were lovers and I think, of all the things I've lost in this whole mess, I miss that the most.

 

But, there's no way I could ever go back to 'just friends' ...it would, literally, destroy me.

[ahhhchooo]

In my case, and I imagine it's not much different for others... I find myself wondering why I'd ever want to be friends with her (of course, immediately post break-up I was desperate to salvage anything I could - including a friendship). It's still hard, knowing in my head that it's the worst thing I can try to do but my heart still just wants to contact her. Hell, I got an email from her this morning (first contact in over a month) and felt absolutely nothing, but still couldn't bring myself to reply to it in a friendly fashion (I didn't reply at all, and I won't).

 

Unless the break-up was mutually decided with good reason and no element of betrayal (broken promises, cheating), you've seen something in that person that one doesn't ever expect from a friend. It's also far more emotionally shattering than anything a regular friend can do.

 

I have had terrific friends in the past and have always had the self respect for myself to accept when the friendship has passed a point - that we are just not right for each other anymore. Forcing oneself to continue being friends with people doesn't work and it just feels like we're lying to ourselves.

 

Then again.. here I am with almost no friends left, so maybe it's not the best advice.

[Sysyphus28]

Whether your doing LC or NC this is hard for all of us. We miss these certain "comfortable traits" about our exes. They don't even realize how hard this is for any of us, or if they do , they don't care too much.

 

Sometimes....if you have mutual friends,or live in a small town, or go to a similar institution, or work together, it is hard to completely cut out your ex.

 

Caliguy has done it, he works with his ex and ignores her like a ghost. AWESOME!

We all need to think about how we are going to do this. I miss her sometimes, and I threw away the things she gave me during our relationship.

 

*** BUT I need help. I keep falling into this LC friend zone thing with her. We will casually text every so often with quips and whatever. Like someone else said, she is giving me this mediocre friendship and saving all the good stuff for her new man.

 

I am still dating the people, but she is on my mind sometimes.

 

The best thing really is NC. I don't know why I can't let this lame-ass friendship go down the tubes where it belongs.

[Just_dealin_with_it]

I just have to say thanks for these kinds of posts. Reading a post like this one really gives me the strength to stay on NC. It's funny, a few days ago I posted on LS about how I was feeling good about the breakup finally, and how I felt I really didn't need her anymore. Yet here I am back on LS looking for the logic and common sense I need to get me through. I think I am doing better, especially compared to a couple of weeks ago. I don't walk around with that constant knot in my chest, however I do still feel the urge to contact her. I feel like I want to get so much off of my chest, but I know nothing I say will change things. Even if I could, do I really want her back? Its so easy to remember the good times, and forget why the relationship has come to an end.

 

Of course she wants to be "friends", and initially I obliged. At first I couldn't imagine my life w/o her, even if we were just friends. I never felt comfortable being her friend after all the time we've spent as bf/gf though. Its very awkward and unnatural, plus the feelings just linger on. I don't want to be a fallback for her either, nor do I want to ease any guilt she may be feeling for initiating the breakup or breaking my heart in the process.

 

I know one day I won't think about her so much, and I apologize for such a long post. Just wanted to say thanks to this post, it has been very beneficial to me, and I'll have a good day because of it. I just hope some of my posts in the future will be as helpful to others as this one was for me.

[Sysyphus28]

Everybody really came out on this one. It is such an important task to keep your integrity and get closure any way you can get it.

** ANY WAY!

**If you need to call them and here NO AGAIN, Do it ---- get closure

 

** If you need a face to face indifferent bull**** conversation, Do it --get closure

 

** If NC works for you and is not driving you crazy, DO it -- get closure

 

I feel that you need to get it through your head it is over any way you can(as long as it doesn't hurt anyone or get you arrested!)

 

You just got to get to the point where you realize that this is final and things are not going to change. You don't want this person back. They hurt and if you think they are going to heal your wounds, you are mistaken.

 

Thier move was a chess move that put you in check. All your pieces are scattered across the board and your king is in danger. Get out of check, GO for the stalemate!

 

Your not a loser just because you got dumped, your a free man/free woman. Think of that person who hurt you, THAT, people, is not a friend of yours. That is some douchebag who, for whatever selfish reasons, LET YOU DOWN. That person is a let down.

 

I say it out loud sometimes: "You are a let down"

"I can do better than you"

"Take all your blame and hurtful words and shove them up your a**"

"I can and will do better than you"

"I will have something different and special with someone else"

 

Happy FRIDAY!!!!!

[northstar1]

Everybody really came out on this one. It is such an important task to keep your integrity and get closure any way you can get it.

** ANY WAY!

**If you need to call them and here NO AGAIN, Do it ---- get closure

 

** If you need a face to face indifferent bull**** conversation, Do it --get closure

 

** If NC works for you and is not driving you crazy, DO it -- get closure

 

I feel that you need to get it through your head it is over any way you can(as long as it doesn't hurt anyone or get you arrested!)

 

You just got to get to the point where you realize that this is final and things are not going to change. You don't want this person back. They hurt and if you think they are going to heal your wounds, you are mistaken.

 

Thier move was a chess move that put you in check. All your pieces are scattered across the board and your king is in danger. Get out of check, GO for the stalemate!

 

Your not a loser just because you got dumped, your a free man/free woman. Think of that person who hurt you, THAT, people, is not a friend of yours. That is some douchebag who, for whatever selfish reasons, LET YOU DOWN. That person is a let down.

 

I say it out loud sometimes: "You are a let down"

"I can do better than you"

"Take all your blame and hurtful words and shove them up your a**"

"I can and will do better than you"

"I will have something different and special with someone else"

 

Happy FRIDAY!!!!!

 

Very true,whatever helps people get to the point where they say "I've had enough, it's over, time to move on with my own life and happiness".

For some, it's strict NC from the start, especially if there has been lying, cheating etc, and they in no way want to be back with that person.

For others, especially those holding onto hope, having that final conversation can be the step that gets you going back on track.

 

We can take all the advice we want, and most of it on here is spot on, and in most cases, NC works to get you healed fastest, but in the end, you have to do what is right for you. Live with no regrets. You don't want, a year later to think "What if I'd only done this?"

 

Do what you need to do to shut it down and move on.

[Sysyphus28]

Northstar is right. Shut it down and move on.

Look.........my ex g/f has mutual friends here in NC with some of my best friends...

I found out my friend(friend Z) is going to a concert with her and some friends. Instead if flipping out and raging at him or her or making myself look jeoulous and angry, I called friend Z up and I expressed that I was not comfortable with him hanging out with my ex in the future. I told him that thier are a million people to hang out with besides her and it made me feel uncomfortable. He was honest and said he does not think of her in a sexual way and that he was sorry for not taking into consideration that I was still healing and trying to move on. He understood my discomfort and that was that.

 

** I did NOT

 

1. Bug out and tell her to NOT hang out with my friends. I realize I can't control her or her actions/thoughts at all. We are not together anymore. I am free.

 

2. Yell at my friend and treat him like crap when he does not have any bad/romantic intentions. I made it clear to him how I felt in a mature way.

 

3. I did not send any jeolous/controlling texts or emails. Ask her why she was going with "MY" friend.

 

I just handled it like a mature non-attached person.

 

I think I am letting go. How I handled myself is indicitave of it. I know myself, and normally I would have let this tid-bit of new(friend hanging w/ex) drive me up the wall and piss me off.

 

I am still happy this friday. Tonight I am going in my jacuzzi and drinking a beer and I might invite a lady to join me.