Prettyinblack Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 I really wish that someone, ANYONE, would have given me the heads up about my ex BEFORE I got involved with him but no one did. So the question is, if you see your ex with a new person, do you enlighten them or let them learn it the hard way..... My ex was and is still a cheater and a liar.....nothing new, same old, same old. However, he gave me an incurable STD that he denies which means he is still out there riding bareback, spreading it around. Do you have a woman to woman convo and let her know or let her find out via her Doctor....people donèt really change! He was contacting me until 3 weeks ago when I told him he needed counseling to determine why relationships are so difficult for him before he is in my company again. I dont want to look like a spurned woman, but god, I wish someone had have let me know what a scum bag he is so that I could have made an informed choice. I could easily let her know.....but dont know if I should. Saw him and her out last night on their first date since I blew him off 3 weeks ago. What do you guys think.... Link to post Share on other sites
Melrapuo Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Nah, I'd just leave it be. It's gonna make you look like the jealous ex rather than someone who is trying to help her out. Besides, are you really doing it to help out the new girl, or just get back at your ex? Either way, it wouldn't be a good idea to interfere or become involved with something that isn't worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Is this a treatable STD? If not then yes tell her, if so then no. Link to post Share on other sites
Nevermind Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Usually I'd say no, because she will not believe you. But since it is an uncurable STD...yes, tell her. Be prepared that she won't believe you, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prettyinblack Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 The STD is Herpes 2.... Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 GEEZ, yes let her know. Is it possible to have an uninterested party tell her atleast to make sure to double up and the reason. That wouldn't make it sound like you were trying just to break them up out of jealousy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 I would appreciate being told! Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 I really wish that someone, ANYONE, would have given me the heads up about my ex BEFORE I got involved with him but no one did. So the question is, if you see your ex with a new person, do you enlighten them or let them learn it the hard way..... My ex was and is still a cheater and a liar.....nothing new, same old, same old. However, he gave me an incurable STD that he denies which means he is still out there riding bareback, spreading it around. Do you have a woman to woman convo and let her know or let her find out via her Doctor....people donèt really change! He was contacting me until 3 weeks ago when I told him he needed counseling to determine why relationships are so difficult for him before he is in my company again. I dont want to look like a spurned woman, but god, I wish someone had have let me know what a scum bag he is so that I could have made an informed choice. I could easily let her know.....but dont know if I should. Saw him and her out last night on their first date since I blew him off 3 weeks ago. What do you guys think.... You should let her know, whether it be to wear protection or just to flat out tell her. If he's a scum bag, then it'll be obvious and she'll break up with him - let her make an informed decision. In all fairness, you should disclose your sexual history to her as well, assuming the two of you "rode bareback" You mention he needs counselling before he is in your company again - are you trying to get back with him? Assuming you guys broke up, shouldn't you be moving forward? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Yikes. Tough call! You do obviously risk being called a liar, a jealous person...and perhaps much worse. Or, you get to live with the fact that you did not do what you could to caution someone about a serious health matter. Maybe it'll help you decide, if you think in terms of just doing whatever will help you live with yourself better? Risk of negative consequences either way, so almost you will need to choose what will have the least negative impact on your own mind and heart in the long term. Hugs and best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Kim666 Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 in your case I would say yes...she definitely needs to know that information, however do not expect her to believe you. My ex husbands first wife tried to tell me and everyone else told me she was just crazy..I believed them over her and I ended up in a horrible situation. Tell her for her own good Link to post Share on other sites
trueblue72ny Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 my god tell her. that is just wrong, wrong wrong, that dude should have his parts cut off. what a scumbag. i would wind up in jail for killing someone if they gave me something like that and i would so completely appreciate someone telling me ahead of time. this goes beyond being jealous or whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Yikes. Tough call! You do obviously risk being called a liar, a jealous person...and perhaps much worse. Or, you get to live with the fact that you did not do what you could to caution someone about a serious health matter. Maybe it'll help you decide, if you think in terms of just doing whatever will help you live with yourself better? Risk of negative consequences either way, so almost you will need to choose what will have the least negative impact on your own mind and heart in the long term. Hugs and best of luck. I think I would prepare for a difficult conversation and tell her anyways. It sounds like you're actually concerned about her - but even if you were doing it just to be spiteful : who cares! You've got nothing to lose but the respect of a cheater and a few minutes of the new girl not believing you (she'll come around when she gets cheated on or diagnosed!) I vote tell her. and ps: If I were in her shoes, I would like to know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prettyinblack Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 Then, theres the second piece to this.....the place I saw them is a place that I hang out at, she has hung out at and he plays in a band at 1x every 6 weeks. All this went down last night in this bar and I had no idea he was seeing her, but I know her to say hello when I do go in there. SO, do you say anything or not.....then the other patrons in the bar would know that I have Herpes and he will deny it as he did when I contracted it from him. We had been together for 6 years and I had been faithful although, obviously, he hadnt. So do I risk having all the other patrons finding out.....its a small place and everyone was watching everything last night. By the way, I think I handled myself very well....all the musicians were very supportive saying that they know hes an as*****....and that I am way better than him. Its hard, but I think she should know.....I would want to.. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 Then, theres the second piece to this.....the place I saw them is a place that I hang out at, she has hung out at and he plays in a band at 1x every 6 weeks. All this went down last night in this bar and I had no idea he was seeing her, but I know her to say hello when I do go in there. SO, do you say anything or not.....then the other patrons in the bar would know that I have Herpes and he will deny it as he did when I contracted it from him. We had been together for 6 years and I had been faithful although, obviously, he hadnt. So do I risk having all the other patrons finding out.....its a small place and everyone was watching everything last night. By the way, I think I handled myself very well....all the musicians were very supportive saying that they know hes an as*****....and that I am way better than him. Its hard, but I think she should know.....I would want to.. I can imagine being with a guy in a band is chaotic, sad to say as its a different kind of lifestyle - everyone wants to be their groupie and what not. The first thing you should do is tell him. This way he knows what he has. Approach him privately the next time you see him perform in his band, tell him what you have and show him the medical work. At this point, he's got no choice to tell his girlfriend - otherwise it stands in reason that you should. Sorry for your misfortune. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Prettyinblack Posted October 13, 2008 Author Share Posted October 13, 2008 I think you may have misunderstood......I did tell him about the Herpes last year....he denied giving it to me although I had proof of his unfaithfulness....said he got a blood test that said negative but I donèt believe him...he is a liar....so, it isnt about informing HIM, its about infroming HER. And, as a sideline, I was a musician for many years until an illness took me off the stage 6 years ago. That was how I met him. He works in the music store where I did all my business...as well as playing in a band. The lifestyle is promiscuous on the road, however, there are many of our local musicians that are married, with children and are generally, good, decent people. He is not one of them, unfortunately... I wish I had have known about who he was before I started dating him.. I think now, looking back, I was fooled, no ones fault or anything. But when you see someone 3-4 times a week, it kind of lures you into a place of false security thinking you know them.. Anyways, thats how we got involved and we were very serious...talking about buying a home, etc....it wasnèt just a groupie thing. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted October 13, 2008 Share Posted October 13, 2008 I think you may have misunderstood......I did tell him about the Herpes last year....he denied giving it to me although I had proof of his unfaithfulness....said he got a blood test that said negative but I donèt believe him...he is a liar....so, it isnt about informing HIM, its about infroming HER.. Simple. Bring both of your medical records together and go over it together - you guys have six years together - shouldn't be a problem. You told him about the herpes last year, so any exams he has throughout this year should reveal a positive test. And, as a sideline, I was a musician for many years until an illness took me off the stage 6 years ago. That was how I met him. He works in the music store where I did all my business...as well as playing in a band. The lifestyle is promiscuous on the road, however, there are many of our local musicians that are married, with children and are generally, good, decent people. He is not one of them, unfortunately... I wish I had have known about who he was before I started dating him.. I think now, looking back, I was fooled, no ones fault or anything. But when you see someone 3-4 times a week, it kind of lures you into a place of false security thinking you know them.. Anyways, thats how we got involved and we were very serious...talking about buying a home, etc....it wasnèt just a groupie thing. That sucks. Too bad you couldn't have known before hand. Well, if this guy is the jerk that you're claiming - seeing that people don't change, then he will obviously reveal himself to the new girl and go through the same cycle. Seems like you've got a little bit of anger and frustration. You guys should talk about this, really - you should. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 So do I risk having all the other patrons finding out.....its a small place and everyone was watching everything IMO, you don't have an obligation to do anything that would essentially mean sharing your medical history with an entire bar! That would be too high a price for you to pay for caring about someone else's health. And she's really more of a stranger to you, at that. You don't owe her that, and you owe it to yourself to protect your own private and intimate information that you don't want revealed. Any way that you could tip her off anonymously? Under the circumstances, that might just be the best thing for you. Just a note, or voicemail, or however you can manage it that goes something like, "Please do yourself a favour: ask him to get a current STD test and also ask to see the official results or doctor's report." Maybe even get a trusted male friend to make the call? If you do go the anonymous route, just insist until you die that you never had anything to do with it. At least, that is what I would do. Again, good luck with your very difficult decision. (((hugs))). Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 What a conundrum. While normally I would say to tell, since he denies it, it's such a difficult situation. I agree with Ronnie's method. If at all possible, she should get him to take an STD test and show her proof that he's clean. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 14, 2008 Share Posted October 14, 2008 Just thought of another possible way -- discuss the conundrum with your doctor. Possibly if you can get the girl's phone number, Doctor would make the call. Or even, doc may have an ethical obligation to try to track-down the person at risk (and/or get in touch with the guy, too.) You'd get patient confidentiality, and she'd get an authoritative figure that she'd just be dumb to ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts