On My 700th Post, I've This to Report

[0hpenelope]

I haven't kept track of the amount of time since I last spoke to Lawrence, but I got a message today from good friends.

 

It turns out he's dating someone now.

 

How do I feel? My heart hurts. I've been numb the entire day and I feel blank. I cried on the phone when I talked to my friend, but then I realized that I only cry when I talk about it; when I'm forced to think about Lawrence because it's the topic of my conversation with whoever I'm speaking to. Other than that, like right now... I'm typing about it and I'm obviously thinking about him, but I'm not crying. I know he has a new girlfriend and we're still not contacting each other.

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm okay. It's nothing to celebrate about and I'm feeling really low energy (also pretty cranky and less patient than usual) as I'm pretty sad and hurting, but... I'm still here and I'm okay. Did I get closure? Nope. I've said it before that no answer will satisfy and for the longest time, I thought that when I hear that he's dating someone else then that will be my "ultimate closure". I was wrong: finding out that Lawrence is dating Diane did not give me closure.

 

But at least now that I can legitimately say to myself that Lawrence doesn't think about me and doesn't care anymore because his attentions are now pre-occupied by his new girl. I don't wish them well, but I don't wish them bad things either.

 

Life goes on as usual. The world didn't stop turning and we are still NC with each other. For those who are even thinking about using NC as ammo to get the ex back, "You're doing it wrong." This - my experience - is what NC is for: so that when your ex has moved on and completely left you, you'll realize that you're still okay and there are other things that you should be happy about. And that it's okay to be hurting... but never give your ex the satisfaction of knowing so.

 

"With every goodbye, you learn."

 

Loveshack, I really wouldn't have made it this far without your support. vivrantflo, Caliguy, TLB, TrialbyFire, and the countless others who have shared their inputs and experiences (I'm sorry I can't name you all!)... I'm very grateful. I'm still learning and still "teaching", so I hope you don't mind me sticking around for a long time.

 

Thank you for reading. Happy 700th post to me!

[tealeafbud]

happy 700th post penelope! If I can survive what I learned about my ex this morning, you can definitely survive. It's too early to spill the beans though. Let's just say that I've felt numb all day and the news made me say a few prayers. But am feeling much better. Stay strong.

[Ingenue]

Penlope, congratulations on your 700th post!

 

This may not sound like much, but give yourself a pat on the back. You ARE okay and while you may still feel numb and a bit sad from the events you learned today, the important thing is that you're okay and you're moving on. You're not plastered on the floor after hearing the news. You're not staring at a mountain of tissues. You're healing and slowly getting to that space of indifference. That should be commended.

[0hpenelope]

happy 700th post penelope! If I can survive what I learned about my ex this morning, you can definitely survive. It's too early to spill the beans though. Let's just say that I've felt numb all day and the news made me say a few prayers. But am feeling much better. Stay strong.

 

Oh no... Somehow, that really doesn't sound good at all.

 

PM me if you need anything? I know I'll be responding to you in a short while.

 

Thanks bro. I am staying strong. "There is no try. Just do."

[0hpenelope]

Penlope, congratulations on your 700th post!

 

This may not sound like much, but give yourself a pat on the back. You ARE okay and while you may still feel numb and a bit sad from the events you learned today, the important thing is that you're okay and you're moving on. You're not plastered on the floor after hearing the news. You're not staring at a mountain of tissues. You're healing and slowly getting to that space of indifference. That should be commended.

 

Thanks, Ingenue. Now that you brought those points up, I have to say that I should be quite proud of myself... I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself for the slowly part of "slowly getting to". At least I'm going in that direction for sure.

 

Thank you.. I just wish that the news didn't hurt me as much as it did when I first heard. You're right... at least I'm okay.

[motive2002]

I hope there's 700+ more to come.

Thanks for being there during my worst moments. I hope that maybe somewhere I was there during yours too.

 

Take care!

[stillafool]

I've been where you are and you are going to be fine. I know it's hard and I feel for you. I remember when I found out mine was seeing someone else it was strange but it helped me to move on faster. You are right about closure, you never really get what you want, you just have to make your own. Good Luck to you.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi Penelope, yep, that kind of news is definitely hard to take. How are you feeling a couple of days later?

[0hpenelope]

I hope there's 700+ more to come.

Thanks for being there during my worst moments. I hope that maybe somewhere I was there during yours too.

 

Take care!

 

Thank you for responding, brother. I know it's been a rough few months for "our batch". You've definitely been in my worst moments as well. I find my experiences less isolating when I see other members' posting their heartaches on the boards.

 

I hope that doesn't make me sound mean... I don't wish for anyone to feel the way we do, but knowing that there's so many of us... I definitely feel less alone.

 

Thanks again.

[0hpenelope]

I've been where you are and you are going to be fine. I know it's hard and I feel for you. I remember when I found out mine was seeing someone else it was strange but it helped me to move on faster. You are right about closure, you never really get what you want, you just have to make your own. Good Luck to you.

 

This sounds really promising, stillafool. I'm looking forward to the point where I can really say "Yeah, I don't care anymore. Eh..."

 

I saw glimpses of that today. I was less antsy when I was in places he frequents (in my recent recollections), I felt lighter when I noticed that I was less angry...

 

Yeah, I'm getting there. As intense as the hurt was when I found out about it this past weekend, I felt more than the okay level I thought I would be. There's a bittersweet reassurance in knowing that Lawrence is definitely not thinking about me anymore.

 

And I should do the same thing.

[0hpenelope]

Hi Penelope, yep, that kind of news is definitely hard to take. How are you feeling a couple of days later?

 

Hi sunshinegirl! Thank you for posting.

 

I'm okay. I can actually imagine Diane doing couple stuff with Lawrence now and while there's still a twinge of pain, it's not as intense as it used to be. At least, it's not as intense as it was this past weekend.

 

My friends have expressed that they wish they could hear me say I'm angry at Lawrence, but I'm not. I'm just tired... I'm tired of the hurt and of being in the limbo. Now that I know I'm definitely not in limbo anymore, there's a certain kind of relief? As I posted to stillafool, I felt glimpses of that indifference.

 

Today was the first day that I wasn't thinking about Lawrence a lot. Can you believe it? It's a relief, I tell you. A relief... I know I have a lot of progress left to make and one of the things I've taken to reading is one of Gunny376's posts about self-discipline. He pretty much sums it up in this gem of a nutshell:

 

It amazes me how quickly some people will quit a job, marriage, whatever ~ just because they don't like it.

WTF? What's like got to do with it ~ you do what you have to do.

<snip>

If your not master of yourself ~ your master of nothing!

 

It's utterly tough love, I have to say. I didn't expect anything less coming from a retired Marine. But it comes down to that, too: I don't like not talking to Lawrence, but it has nothing to do with liking it. I have to and need to not talk to him anymore.

 

My brain's got it right on the dot. I'm just waiting for my feelings to follow suit.

 

How'd you cope with this in your previous experiences?

 

*Other readers, please feel free to jump right in and offer your take on what you did to cope. There's no such thing as enough information when it comes to healing. Thanks.

[0hpenelope]

I've been where you are and you are going to be fine. I know it's hard and I feel for you. I remember when I found out mine was seeing someone else it was strange but it helped me to move on faster. You are right about closure, you never really get what you want, you just have to make your own. Good Luck to you.

 

This sounds really promising, stillafool. I'm looking forward to the point where I can really say "Yeah, I don't care anymore. Eh..."

 

I saw glimpses of that today. I was less antsy when I was in places he frequents (in my recent recollections), I felt lighter when I noticed that I was less angry...

 

Yeah, I'm getting there. As intense as the hurt was when I found out about it this past weekend, I felt more than the okay level I thought I would be. There's a bittersweet reassurance in knowing that Lawrence is definitely not thinking about me anymore.

 

And I should do the same thing.

[sunshinegirl]

My brain's got it right on the dot. I'm just waiting for my feelings to follow suit.

 

How'd you cope with this in your previous experiences?

 

It's always a jolt to find out an ex is dating again. Twice for me it happened concurrent with the end of my relationship with the person - so I had the double grief whammy of (a) we're over and (b) they were with someone else. Two other times I found out months later that they had started dating someone else.

 

In all cases I handled it pretty much the same way you are...gutting it through with NC knowing I would only feel worse if I broke it...and wanting to hold on to my self-respect and pride. I also see a counselor to help me deal with the self-esteem blows that these rough spots inevitably bring on.

 

Only one of the four exes has gone on to marry the next woman after me. I mean who knows, maybe Eric will marry the hooch. If he did it would almost be a laughable relief - it would mean that he's officially gone off the deep end and his judgment is in the toilet! Who gets engaged/married 4 months into a new relationship AND only 4 months after their own divorce was finalized? He'd be crazy as all hell to do that. So self-soothing thoughts like that help.

[selena_cat]

hI oHPenelope,

its so interesting how you said this is my 700th post, i feel the same way too,wondring today, damn Selene how many posts are you going to write about this unworthy Sod of your ex. thanks for being so honest and also thanks for replying to my post too.

I am sure you are a very bright intellegent person who can do waaay better than this Lawrence, it hurts to kow they w=are with someone new living their lives and not most likely thinking of you.

I was such a depressed wreck last october when he told me he met someone new but I believe I came a long way and so will you,keep letting your feelings out. Question,Dont you ever think of meeting new people,make sure you dont compare them because you dont want them to be liek Laurence who bolted.

i know its hard but just a suggestion,it helps if they are good looking on the outside as More importantly the Inside too!

[0hpenelope]

It's always a jolt to find out an ex is dating again. Twice for me it happened concurrent with the end of my relationship with the person - so I had the double grief whammy of (a) we're over and (b) they were with someone else. Two other times I found out months later that they had started dating someone else.

 

In all cases I handled it pretty much the same way you are...gutting it through with NC knowing I would only feel worse if I broke it...and wanting to hold on to my self-respect and pride. I also see a counselor to help me deal with the self-esteem blows that these rough spots inevitably bring on.

 

Only one of the four exes has gone on to marry the next woman after me. I mean who knows, maybe Eric will marry the hooch. If he did it would almost be a laughable relief - it would mean that he's officially gone off the deep end and his judgment is in the toilet! Who gets engaged/married 4 months into a new relationship AND only 4 months after their own divorce was finalized? He'd be crazy as all hell to do that. So self-soothing thoughts like that help.

 

Well, Eric sounds like quite the character from what you've shared with us!

 

Stricter than ever with NC. Now I know that I have his full cooperation. I'm not saying that Diane's this type of girlfriend, but it usually doesn't fly well with girls when they find out their guy has tried to reach out to an ex who doesn't want to be a part of his life anymore.

 

Just a hypothetical scenario.

 

New sucker GF: Um... didn't you tell me that she wants NC with you?

Stupid Guy: Well, I still want her to be my friend. because I feel guilty about what I did, not because I really care sincerely. I mean, I used her for sex and stuff, completely manipulated her affections for me so I can get some and I knew she wasn't going to put up too much of a fight. But I just feel soo baaad...

NGF: Well honey, that's nice. But she wants you to leave her alone. No really, you haven't talked to her in a while and yet you can't leave her alone again for some reason?

 

Oh man... Yeah, have fun with your new problem, Diane.

[0hpenelope]

hI oHPenelope,

its so interesting how you said this is my 700th post, i feel the same way too,wondring today, damn Selene how many posts are you going to write about this unworthy Sod of your ex. thanks for being so honest and also thanks for replying to my post too.

I am sure you are a very bright intellegent person who can do waaay better than this Lawrence, it hurts to kow they w=are with someone new living their lives and not most likely thinking of you.

I was such a depressed wreck last october when he told me he met someone new but I believe I came a long way and so will you,keep letting your feelings out. Question,Dont you ever think of meeting new people,make sure you dont compare them because you dont want them to be liek Laurence who bolted.

i know its hard but just a suggestion,it helps if they are good looking on the outside as More importantly the Inside too!

 

Hi Selene! It's good to see you're still around, still responding. I'm really pleased that you shared your experience and that you admitted to that "depressed wreck" that you were in October. As I replied to brother Motive earlier, it makes me feel less isolated. I don't feel that I'm the "only one going through this." Of course I'm not alone! It's a logical conclusion to come to, but there's just something about being reassured that makes me feel normal... especially when I'm feeling so out of element.

 

There will be no answers that will satisfy. I just keep holding on to that. The closure that I will have from the Lawrence-0hPenelope saga is something that I can only provide. If Lawrence being with Diane is the crucial step (I seriously don't even know if it is, you know?), then I can only see good things from here.

 

I'll keep your advice in mind when I feel comfortable with testing the waters. For now, my attention's focused on other things and I'm just really grateful that I'm only dealing with residuals of the relationship and not trying to salvage a friendship. I don't think I should work that hard to keep a friend, after all... Lawrence had said that he felt sad that nothing's happening between us, but I know now he's not too sad to go with another girl. Which is fine. It's within his right to move on with someone else.

 

I just have to deal with it. Again, thanks for sharing! Your ex met someone else and you lived through it. It means that I can, too. What an awesome reminder...