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Is this proof?


sedgwick

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So, the other day a friend said to me that "I love you" was the most important thing anyone had ever said to her, or could ever say to anyone. Since then I've been heartbroken anew, because not only did I tell him I loved him, I told him I loved him unconditionally, and I meant that. I've never said that to anyone else in my life, and saying it to him was such a huge deal to me.

 

It just seems like proof that my love is worthless. Like "I love you" is important when other people say it, but it means absolutely nothing when I do. If it's the most important thing anyone could possibly ever say to anyone else, then why did he toss it aside and choose to ignore me instead of love me back?

 

It's been 15 months now, almost, since he dumped me. 15 months I've known that my love is worthless, that being told you're loved unconditionally means nothing when it's only coming from me. It hurts so much knowing that I will never have another relationship because he destroyed my trust and my faith in the worth of my own love. It hurts so much knowing that when I tell someone I love them, I just get ignored. My love is so worthless it doesn't even merit a response. It's completely disposable, like a crumpled tissue or an empty package. It has no substance or merit.

 

I dream of him, I cry over him, i go to therapy three days a week to talk about him. and still I am no closer to trusting or loving again. The worst part is that he doesn't give a sh*t. He doesn't care that he hurt me, doesn't care that we're not speaking, doesn't care that I love him, doesn't care to know me.

 

What do you do when you know, at 37, that you have experienced love and sex for the last time? How do you find happiness outside of that? I can never love again because I couldn't trust again if I wanted to, so how do I now live the rest of my life?

 

There's this rockabilly festival this weekend I'd like to go to but I know I can't. There is no room for my non-musician ass at a concert. I'd just be taking up space that could be taken up by someone worthwhile, and that breaks my heart. I remember when I used to be able to go out and hear music. It seems like a million years ago, like something done by someone else. Now going out and hearing music seems like the most insurmountable obstacle in the world. I could no more go out and hear music than I could perform brain surgery or win an Olympic medal or climb Mt. Everest.

 

I personally love love love it when non-dancers come and see bellydance and are blown away. I love it when our audiences aren't just a bunch of other bellydancers. I love it when musicians come to see us and I can tell they're getting into what we're doing -- I love when they come up to us gushing after our performances. So why don't musicians like it when non-musicians come to see them? Why don't they like having non-musician fans around? I was so much happier when I didn't know that musicians only want to associate with other musicians, when i thought it was okay for me to be there just dancing while they played, when I used to shimmy and my smile came from my whole heart. I didn't know they were looking at me the whole time wishing I'd leave so a musician could have my seat. Now that I know that, I'm trying to deal with the massive humiliation of having taken up space at all those shows, space that could have been taken up by a musician. It's so hard to forgive myself for burdening and annoying musicians with my presence at their shows. I have a tremendous amount of embarrassment, shame, and guilt over that.

 

Last night I cried all evening, fell asleep and dreamt he was dating another dancer in my company and that she showed up with a box of gifts he'd given her and he came to pick her up and told me he'd never loved me. I said, "So were you lying?" and he just laughed at me and said, "Well, YEAH." I woke up crying, went to my shrink's and cried, and now, mercifully, I'm back at home hiding in my apartment again. This is the person who has replaced the exuberant person I used to be. This thing, this shell, this is all the me I have left.

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Ooh I know!!! Do you like animals? Why not volunteer at an animal shelter to take care of dogs and cats? You can just sit there and pet them, if that's all you want to do. I guarantee that this love of yours that you find worhtless will be enough for them, and it's easy to trust an animal, because their ulterior motives are pretty much just "get fed".

 

If you really think you're going to be alone forever, making some furry friends would be a good start.

 

Or, you could see it as a jumping off point to discovering that your affections are not defective.

 

Either way.

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Wow. Honestly?

 

To say that musicians only like to be around musicians is one of the most ridiculous things I've heard. I can't even play the recorder and I have plenty of musician friends. To me it just sounds like you hang around ******* musicians who probably think they are the best of the best. Screw them! You need to get that into your head.. why do these guys make you feel so ****ty? SCREW THEM! Just say it.. SCREW THEM.

 

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be harsh. But come on. You're not worth being loved? WTF does that mean. My aunt has polio and she found love and got married 4 times. The last one she married and is still married to is going on 30 years! She can't even walk and the pain she goes through you and me couldn't imagine and she's is happier than this and is loved by MANY. This is just one example.. my mother was divorced when she was 35 and and remarried 9 years later and is in love now for 5 years now!

 

Your problem is your in love with the IDEA of dating this so called perfect guy, who happens to be a musician.

 

You WILL Be loved again, and you will love again! But you wont give it a try. Instead you reinforce the idea by always repeating it to yourself. You need to know that there are BILLIONS of people in this world.. but no one wants to be with someone who is just going to be negative. I promise you, if you can just imagine how much worse things could be, and how there are so many other things that are great in this world than just love, you will find another happiness inside you.. and I don't know anyone who doesn't like being around happy people.

 

Maybe one day, you will be happy with yourself and once that happens people will realize that you are a great person with great attributes and they will fall in love with you.. and wont give two ****s if you are a musician.

 

I'm not trying to be a prick here.. But I hate hearing people say this kind of stuff.

 

The only way you are ever going to be in love and be loved again is when you change the the attitude. You seem like a great person, who can give someone a lot of happiness some day.

 

Life is to short, why waste it? Get out there and live your life! You wont regret it.

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a friend said to me that "I love you" was the most important thing anyone had ever said to her, or could ever say to anyone.

Hey, Sedg.

First off, your friend can only speak for herself, about that. Cos "I love you" sure as heck ain't the most important phrase in my vocabulary, or to my heart. That's just HER feelings/opinion about it, coming from the meaning that she herself puts on the words. (She kinda doesn't get to decide it for everyone else on the planet, know wot I mean?)

 

So, to my mind, that puts a whole lotta holes in any theory about your love being unique -- ALL love is worthy and a gift, whether or not the recipient appreciates its value, yes? And YOUR love is the same as everyone else's -- totally, completely, 100% worthy and a gift.

 

Like your friend, YOU get to put your own meaning on your own love and how you express it...and YOU have power to choose what your love means. For whatever reason, you're allowing this guy to taint the love that you have and the love that you give.

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So, the other day a friend said to me that "I love you" was the most important thing anyone had ever said to her, or could ever say to anyone. Since then I've been heartbroken anew, because not only did I tell him I loved him, I told him I loved him unconditionally, and I meant that. I've never said that to anyone else in my life, and saying it to him was such a huge deal to me.

 

It just seems like proof that my love is worthless. Like "I love you" is important when other people say it, but it means absolutely nothing when I do. If it's the most important thing anyone could possibly ever say to anyone else, then why did he toss it aside and choose to ignore me instead of love me back?

 

It's been 15 months now, almost, since he dumped me. 15 months I've known that my love is worthless, that being told you're loved unconditionally means nothing when it's only coming from me. It hurts so much knowing that I will never have another relationship because he destroyed my trust and my faith in the worth of my own love. It hurts so much knowing that when I tell someone I love them, I just get ignored. My love is so worthless it doesn't even merit a response. It's completely disposable, like a crumpled tissue or an empty package. It has no substance or merit.

 

I dream of him, I cry over him, i go to therapy three days a week to talk about him. and still I am no closer to trusting or loving again. The worst part is that he doesn't give a sh*t. He doesn't care that he hurt me, doesn't care that we're not speaking, doesn't care that I love him, doesn't care to know me.

 

What do you do when you know, at 37, that you have experienced love and sex for the last time? How do you find happiness outside of that? I can never love again because I couldn't trust again if I wanted to, so how do I now live the rest of my life?

 

There's this rockabilly festival this weekend I'd like to go to but I know I can't. There is no room for my non-musician ass at a concert. I'd just be taking up space that could be taken up by someone worthwhile, and that breaks my heart. I remember when I used to be able to go out and hear music. It seems like a million years ago, like something done by someone else. Now going out and hearing music seems like the most insurmountable obstacle in the world. I could no more go out and hear music than I could perform brain surgery or win an Olympic medal or climb Mt. Everest.

 

I personally love love love it when non-dancers come and see bellydance and are blown away. I love it when our audiences aren't just a bunch of other bellydancers. I love it when musicians come to see us and I can tell they're getting into what we're doing -- I love when they come up to us gushing after our performances. So why don't musicians like it when non-musicians come to see them? Why don't they like having non-musician fans around? I was so much happier when I didn't know that musicians only want to associate with other musicians, when i thought it was okay for me to be there just dancing while they played, when I used to shimmy and my smile came from my whole heart. I didn't know they were looking at me the whole time wishing I'd leave so a musician could have my seat. Now that I know that, I'm trying to deal with the massive humiliation of having taken up space at all those shows, space that could have been taken up by a musician. It's so hard to forgive myself for burdening and annoying musicians with my presence at their shows. I have a tremendous amount of embarrassment, shame, and guilt over that.

 

Last night I cried all evening, fell asleep and dreamt he was dating another dancer in my company and that she showed up with a box of gifts he'd given her and he came to pick her up and told me he'd never loved me. I said, "So were you lying?" and he just laughed at me and said, "Well, YEAH." I woke up crying, went to my shrink's and cried, and now, mercifully, I'm back at home hiding in my apartment again. This is the person who has replaced the exuberant person I used to be. This thing, this shell, this is all the me I have left.

 

Hi Sedge, you can take this any way you want but I am not saying this to be mean or to be an ass. I just feel it needs to be said to you.

 

Stop your pity party and get off your couch and start to get over this guy. One person out of millions and billions doesn't want you, big friggin deal. There are millions of people where you live and alot of them would love to meet you, talk to you, have sex with you, hold you, love you, marry you etc...... You sitting home typing this crap does nothing but hurt you. I fet the feeling sometimes that you like to feel bad, as crazy as it sounds. You seem to very smart and interesting to me and I've only talked to you through a friggin computer. Stop thinking about what might have been, think about now and your future. Life is way too short for you to sit and do this to yourself.

 

have enough courage to get up and get out and experience life again without this guy. He doesn't want you, big deal, his loss. Please take this as I intended, as a wake up call. You are wasting precious time and energy on something out of your control. Forget this guy and get back your self respect and self love. Stop putting yourself down, you are going to love someone again, you are going to look back on this period in your life and think how much time you have wasted.

 

Start today, forget the past. Enjoy every minute on this earth, that's what I'm doing. Please stop this negative thinking Sedge.

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i go to therapy three days a week to talk about him. and still I am no closer to trusting

(I missed that part, earlier.)

Sedg, OF COURSE you are not going to learn how to trust by focusing on the exact situation that taught you how to NOT trust -- maybe you could ask your therapist to give you a nudge in a new direction?

Honestly, there's no way I'd be paying a professional (for 3 sessions a week, no less!) to stay this stuck. From me, they get 4 to 6 sessions TOTAL, to help me 'see' or think something new.

 

Like Fox said, maybe it just is time to try a different approach? It got me wondering about what your pay-offs are, for maintaining your current thought patterns? Are they as plentiful and substantial as I'm guessing they must be?

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I have a dear friend who had his wife tell him how happy she was to be with him, and how wonderful their life would be together. The SAME NIGHT she ran off with some other guy, and lied saying it was 'girls night out'. Another friend of ours saw the girl and this other guy at a nice resturant, and when she saw him he said her eyes had that "OH SH*T" look.

 

My friend confronts her about this, she tried to lie, even almost broke up a couple friendships before finally admitting it and getting angry at her husband and making excuses for her actions. No remorse, pitty, guilt...just anger and vindication. Mind you, they were high school sweethearts and had been together over 8 years, married 3 of those.

 

He was in the same spot as you - everyone was a terrible person, you cant trust anyone, life is all downhill from here. I dragged him out one Friday night, made him throw on some decent cloths and a little cologne, and what happens? He met some one else, who he is still with today. He couldn't be happier that it didnt work out with the ex wife. He has never contacted her, and from what I can tell, she hasnt tried either.

 

Moral of the story is that if you tell yourself that life sucks forever, it will. If you tell yourself that every guy out there is a dirtbag who wants to get laid, thats all youll attract.

 

But - if you tell yourself that life will be good, youll meet some one else, and you WILL love some one again, you will!

 

I know fox was hard, but you needed the wake up call. Seriously, dont let this consume another second of your life. Who cares what happened before, focus on bigger and better things.

 

If I can make it, so can you!

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What do you do when you know, at 37, that you have experienced love and sex for the last time?

 

I dunno, did your ex give you an STD? Are you damaged goods because of him? I hate to be crass, but I'm pretty sure my ex did. Talk about not being loved or having sex again. Try seeing things from someone else's perspective. You haven't really lost anything but a flaky bass player, who by all accounts seems like a friggin idiot from all the other posts I read.

 

You could be in much, MUCH worse shape. I mean you didn't marry or have kids with the guy, or have to deal with partial custody, or lose a house in the process etc, etc.

 

You are totally free to do as you please with whomever you please and how he feels and what he thinks is of absolutely no value to you.

 

I've personally made horrendous mistakes and trusted the wrong people. Looking back a broken heart seemed to be the least of my problems.

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Crestfallen_KH

I think you should try to stop seeing your world and actions as black and white. You're absolutely worthless, you will never love again, you're completely talentless, you're totally nothing. Your love has no value. Do you ever actually pay attention to the words you use?

 

When you live in a black-and-white world, there can never be any room for mistakes, for flaws, for differences. There can only be perfection and imperfection, success and failure.

 

Why are you capable of seeing shades in gray in other people but not in yourself or your ex?

 

I have to think your continued approach to this issue is that it serves a purpose for you. People do what works, and you refuse to challenge your mindset or your own black-and-white world. As a reformed black-and-white "worlder," you're dooming yourself to eternal unhappiness. I can understand that this is a familiar coping strategy, but it's really the worst one and the least unhealthy. But, at long as you continue to live this way, you never have to put any expectations on yourself and it's yourself who will come up short; it's a seriously lazy way of living life.

 

You've chosen your unhappiness and misery. I hope, at some point, you'll get sick and tired of being sick and tired and maybe allow a little gray into your black-and-white frame of reality.

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^ Agreed. Some people are so used to being depressed that they don't want to try something new.. like they can't imagine being any other way and god forbid they except trying to change. Maybe the challenge of finding the grey in their world is to overbearing for them.

 

I've felt this way for about a few months.. and I think it's okay to wallow in your own self-pity for a little while. But sooner or later it gets unhealthy.

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sedge.. i totally feel for you..i think by feelin this way you are trying to hold onto the love you had for him..

 

moving on from this will mean your over him, which you dont feel ready for..

 

i remember reading some of your earlier posts an like those above i thought .. why the hell is she hung up over a bass player... you put alot into the title... was he your ideal .. ie the guy you imagined was right for you..

a bass player?

 

people have told me lots of times they love me an maybe they do/dont.. didnt

 

actions speak louder than words to me

 

i doubt he is wasting his life... please learn to fogive him forgive yourself an believe in youself

 

im 37 too and believe me if i wanted it id have a different guy every day of the week;)

 

yea i still love my ex but i stil live.. i party i work i do anything to make me happy.. life goes on , unless you stop it

 

start living not just exisising.. you are a beautiful person who is multi talented and im sure lovely.. so stop puttng yourself down.. think happy think positive

hugs to you xx

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Sedg, You are not worthless, nor is your love worthless. You are a worthwhile person, worth the while.

 

Remember you? When was the last time that you did things that YOU enjoyed? Thought about what YOU want and need? I recall a different post a few weeks back that you took up gymnastics again (?) and are working on new projects. Have you been doing these things? Also, what about joining a club, taking a class, a meetup or even support group to talk and be with other people? These will be NEW people that you can be your exuberant self with.

 

You will only become more loving as you learn to love and trust yourself. At times when I was really getting down about my breakup one of my best friends had me repeat aloud something like, “I am a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, amazing and loving person. He is a fool/shmuck/jerk (insert word of choice) of little importance to me.”

 

Do a search on unconditional love because you might be surprised by what you find and please, keep posting because many of us at LS know you are an amazing and loving person, worth the while.

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The advice given on this thread here is EXCELLENT. I think printing it out and reading it to yourself when you feel frustrated is a great idea.

 

I have gotten sad myself at times thinking that I pushed away the most amazing guy I've ever met by getting clingy and insecure... and wish I could do the past over and go back to the point in time when he was gung-ho and thrilled about me. But I can't. But I realize now that if he was really that great guy, then he would have cut me some slack and realized that I am an a wonderful person who just got insecure and freaked out a bit. But I am certainly worth having gotten another chance... and if he isn't willing to give it to me, then his loss.

 

In fact, I will print out this advice for my own benefit as well... as whenever I fall into the trap thinking that I lost the 'best thing' that ever happened to me, I can certainly use this advice as a reality check.

 

One thing I have learned over the course of relationships is that just because you find someone who has all the qualities you want in a person.... that's not good enough. If someone doesn't like you back, that's a dealbreaker. And you shouldn't be with that person, no matter how cool he/she seems, if he/she just doesn't care about you.

 

I have seen many threads from you in which you are wallowing in despair. I think a lot of people here want to help you and support you and see you get over this guy... but you HAVE to be willing to help yourself. No amount of advice here or therapy etc is going to help you if you aren't willing to help yourself.

 

People here have given some great advice on tips etc on how to get over someone... Here's an idea, if you are serious about helping yourself:

 

Why not make a daily thread in which you recount positive steps you've taken each day to help you move forward in your life? I'm sure such a thread would not only be good for you, but would inspire a lot of other people as well to get over their own lost loves.

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Exercise makes things a lot better. I did a gymnastics class last night, went for a long hilly bike ride this morning, and just got home from dance rehearsal about an hour ago. We have a performance next Wed night with live musicians, so I'm looking forward to that. I guess there are some musicians out there who actually enjoy having half-naked girls dancing a foot away from them, go figure. I don't know anything anymore.

 

People on here talk about the importance of working out, and I'd been slacking for a few days when I wrote this entry. Going back made a big difference. I wish I could afford to take two classes a day every day, but alas, I can't.

 

I got a job last week. I've been looking for one for quite a while; I need something to get me out of the house and I need to feel like I'm making a difference. Plus, I need decent health insurance. Friday I found out I had been hired at a homeless youth shelter. I'll be an overnight counselor at one of their transitional housing apartments. Three 12-hour shifts a week, and the rest of my time is mine. In between the bike ride and the dance class today I filled out all my paperwork, which means I'll probably start next week. I'm scared but I'm really looking forward to it.

 

I've been in a sh*t mood because of how long the book is taking and that's really affecting me too. I just want to get the thing finished, and it seems like that will never happen. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes it seems far away and dim, and I sure do wish I had somebody by my side to love me and let me love him back.

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hey sedge congrats on the job it sounds great..

 

you are doing well, you dont need anyone by your side an when your ready im sure there will be guys queeing up... stay strong x

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I love the word "queueing." Here in NYC it's so weird because they say "waiting on line" instead of "waiting in line." I've never heard anyone say this besides New Yorkers, it's how you can tell the natives here from the transplants like me!

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Can I ask a question.

 

Do you really think you can't trust anyone for a long time? cuz if you get dumped again there would be no way getting healed again this time?

 

I met this woman who got divorced about six month ago when I met her

 

Things were going really fast and one day she broke up with me and told me she was not ready for a relationship (it would've been better if she didn't start it at all)

 

she got divorced after 7 years and told me her husband said 'I will be with you forever' in the wedding and it really hurts her.

 

She became really cold with me and I feel like she is paying back to me for what her husband did to her...........

 

I think she is withdrawing herself even though it is painful to her

 

any opinions?

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I think she is withdrawing herself even though it is painful to her

 

any opinions?

 

Post your own thread about it and see what people say!

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So, the other day a friend said to me that "I love you" was the most important thing anyone had ever said to her, or could ever say to anyone. Since then I've been heartbroken anew, because not only did I tell him I loved him, I told him I loved him unconditionally, and I meant that. I've never said that to anyone else in my life, and saying it to him was such a huge deal to me.

 

It just seems like proof that my love is worthless. Like "I love you" is important when other people say it, but it means absolutely nothing when I do. If it's the most important thing anyone could possibly ever say to anyone else, then why did he toss it aside and choose to ignore me instead of love me back?

 

It's been 15 months now, almost, since he dumped me. 15 months I've known that my love is worthless, that being told you're loved unconditionally means nothing when it's only coming from me. It hurts so much knowing that I will never have another relationship because he destroyed my trust and my faith in the worth of my own love. It hurts so much knowing that when I tell someone I love them, I just get ignored. My love is so worthless it doesn't even merit a response. It's completely disposable, like a crumpled tissue or an empty package. It has no substance or merit.

You do not love him unconditionally. If that were true then you would not be suffering from the condition that was in fact attached. You love him only if he loves you. Because the picture you are painting of him does not look like it was painted in love, but in anger. He is the cause of all your unhappiness right?

Real love, is always worthwhile, how can it not be? If you truly love another and see the truth in them, you also truly love yourself and see the truth in you.

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You do not love him unconditionally. If that were true then you would not be suffering from the condition that was in fact attached. You love him only if he loves you.

 

Well, given that I still love him even though he doesn't love me, and given that I love him no matter what, I'm gonna go with that fitting the definition of "unconditionally." If I could only love him if he loved me, I wouldn't love him, and that would be fabulous.

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Well, given that I still love him even though he doesn't love me, and given that I love him no matter what, I'm gonna go with that fitting the definition of "unconditionally." If I could only love him if he loved me, I wouldn't love him, and that would be fabulous.

Why would it be fabulous to not love him?

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given that I love him no matter what, I'm gonna go with that fitting the definition of "unconditionally."

Sedg,

Unconditional love has to do with NOT SUFFERING; with feeling 100% positive and happy with and about one's OWN Self...no matter what the object of one's unconditional love does, does not do, says, or does not say.

 

Your unconditional love would allow him to be, do and have exactly as HE wants and needs, without also allowing his decisions and choices to negatively impact you in any way, shape or form.

 

When you stop loving him in ways that cause YOU to suffer, that's when it will mean that you are starting to love him unconditionally. Right now, your suffering is the condition under which you can love him, and are "loving" him. (((hugs)))

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