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In another section but should be here


LikeCharlotte

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LC, I don't think it matters whether it is an LDR or a 'local' -- for whatever reason, these are the feelings that are coming up for you, around this particular guy.

 

It is a shock to the system, alright...when one FINALLY meets that someone where the idea of him being with someone else is just...icky and eewww and 'NO, please'!!! :sick: For me, I'd already been married, and was WELL into my 4th decade. Being confronted with this new aspect of Self was...quite disconcerting.

 

The only thing that helped me (and only to a certain extent), was when I just accepted that, about this SPECIFIC guy, yeah...I can muster up jealous feelings about him, despite not being a "jealous person" and despite not liking "jealous people" -- that really didn't seem to matter when it came to this one particular guy.

 

If I was being confronted with it in a potential LDR, I'd probably take a pass but only cos, at this stage of my life, I'm trying to avoid high drama. Which isn't necessarily a good thing -- if not careful, one can get bored and/or stagnate.

 

Good luck -- it could be super-exciting, really, on many levels...just not so much on inner peace and tranquility. Maybe it depends on what you're valuing most, at this time?

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movingonandon
I posted this in another section but I think I should have posted it here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t162916/

Any comments or opinions are appreciated.

 

 

you need to understand that unless that guy is giving you actual reasons to doubt him and be jealous, the problem is entirely within you. more importantly, unless you find a way to deal with it, eventually it will destroy the relaitonship. I speak from experience - that's how my ex-girlfriend eventually sabotaged what i though to be perfectly fine, though temporary LDR relationship. she obsessed about the "possibility" of me being unfaitful until eventually she found somebody local whom she could "trust".

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I've been in a similar situation and I understand how you feel, I think. It's not surprising that jealousy hits when rejection becomes a real possibility. When it's you granting him the option of a local lover, because you're being realistic and generous because you care for him, it's easier to deal with. When it's him dropping hints that tug on the rug beneath your feet just enough to remind you that you're not fully in control, it's something else, whether or not the "threat" is real.

 

I agree with the other posters that you have to try to take control at least of your own thoughts, and what you may unknowingly have invested in this. Put everything back in its rightful place and trust your faith to be ok no matter what. It's either that or becoming a robot. I tried the latter - it didn't work.

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LikeCharlotte
Welll, Charlotte, maybe you are realizing that you are not cut out for long distance relationships. That's fine; it's not for everyone.

Let's not forget that there are lots of logistical reasons relationships don't work out - in other words the two people can be perfectly compatible but obstacles like...distance...make a relationship unworkable.

Oh Sunshine, you are so right. In this case I know that I could do LD but as for now I haven’t spent much time actually (physically) with him. I know very little and up until this little green eyes incident I have been pretty good at reeling myself in and keeping perspective. I was worried that the reason for it not working out would be my jealousy. I’ve already decided that distance is something I can cope with for a bit. As for the jealousy, well, I just won’t let myself go there again. I know that this will likely come up again and I have to be very careful to deal with it in a positive way. Obviously I need to learn that skill because I’ve just now learned the emotion. In one sense it is an awful feeling but in another I am happy to find that I am capable of normal feelings. I’m just hoping that my experience and current set of cognitive and emotional skills will combine in a good way to handle it.

charlotte, it's normal to feel jealous, but it's how you deal with it that matters. You really need to identify what is making you feel that way. If it is other women, then it's just your own insecurities and you just need a better attitude and a self esteem boost, like, "You're awesome!". Anyway, you know what I mean.

of course no one wants to feel jealous. It's a crappy feeling. But so is feeling sad and frustrated. since you've never felt jealous a lot, it could be a challenging feeling to cope with, but keep your esteem high and it will slowly (or quickly) diminish. take care.

As always TLB, I think you are right. What would I do without you? It is how I deal with it that matters, it is a crappy feeling and I definitely need to examine my self esteem because …umm yeah, I AM AWESOME. Although I don’t think it is about my self esteem as much as it is partly because he doesn’t really know me yet and I fear that my awesomeness isn’t coming across in talks and chats as well as it would in person. You know much of who I am is visual communication. In fact, it is the largest part of me – my art, me covered in paint, or spending days working out an inspiration - you know?

As for identifying what is making me feel this way; I think it is a simple case of pure jealousy steaming from wanting what I cannot have and others can. I don’t like the idea that there are potentially good women closer to him that can see him all the time and do what I cannot (ie: develop a relationship that includes immediate sexual/intimate gratification) Coupled with the fear that the real Charlotte isn’t who he sees I guess = reason for the jealousy. I’ve worked through it and given it a few days to sort of stew. I think I can handle it.

I would like to share a little of my story. I really don't know if it would help or not.
You are always a help Motive, and I miss your helpful threads.

met my recent ex online' date=' and she lived a couple thousand miles away from me. We hit it off SO well that it was all magic and butterflies etc. Looking back I was a wreck most of that relationship, both before and after we decided to call it exclusive. Jealousy, suspicion, you name it. At the end of the day, I realized that I had no [i']peace of mind[/i] with her. For me it was not only some of her flaky behavior, and attitudes about casual sex and so on.. but the distance itself. Long distance relationships are difficult for people that have been coupled for years, let alone people that are nurturing a new romantic connection. It absolutely drained me completely, both emotionally and financially, and I'm still trying to recover on both fronts.
If I find that I feel like you did I will not continue on this path. I promise. I know that there are things everyone has to work through in life and if I am going to feel jealous then I have to learn how to work with it regardless. I won’t put myself through unnecessary heartache.

 

I know your hopeful side doesn't want to hear it' date=' but if I had a chance to make those decisions over again, I would never have let things get so carried away. If you're already tied up in knots now, I can tell you it isn't going to get any better. I'm speaking from experience on this. Take care, and know that I honestly have your best interests at heart. I don't want to be all "gloom and doom", but I've been where you are now, and it brought me a lot of pain.[/quote']My hopeful “side” is just that but I haven’t shut out reason. I don’t believe that things aren’t going to get better just because I had one bad feeling. For me, that would be naive and I’m a big girl… I can learn. The feeling scared me very much but who would I be if I ran from every little thing? I don’t know if you remember my rants about integrity and strength but I expect as much from myself as I do from others. I also don’t know if you remember my issue with the ex and his jealousy but I expected him to work it out even if it took time. I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t do it for myself. Thank you, I will keep my eyes open, my head clear and your story in my mind.

To reit what another member posted, there are people who can and people who can't be in LDRs due to personality types, for all kinds of reasons.

Of the one I entered into, it crashed and burned. I need to live close to a partner and so did he. Neither one of us were patient individuals and had conflicting needs in the manner of chicken and egg.

I consider myself to be very patient and well versed in delayed gratification. I think jealousy can come up anytime (even in a local relationship) so I need to work it out. I still am not sure if I can handle and LDR, as I don’t have experience. I really am very surprised that I became jealous but I think I handled it well and it has gone away. It was very scary at the time and I know I will probably feel it again. Obviously it is something I will have to face one way or another. I have decided that it would be a big mistake to let temporary discomfort prevent me from visiting. I would lose more than I would gain because I would know that I was unable to deal with my issues head on. I couldn’t respect myself if I did that. I don’t know where I will go from here but I know I will take the next step. I’m learning lots about myself so in the event of a “crash and burn” I will have gained something.

LC, I don't think it matters whether it is an LDR or a 'local' -- for whatever reason, these are the feelings that are coming up for you, around this particular guy.
I’ve thought about the possibility that it is the person not the distance and I’m undecided. Honestly it is nothing he is doing as I’ve made it clear that I fully expect him to do whatever he likes because of the situation. Still, you are right. It’s never happened before so it’s a possibility. It could be proximity, it could be that I think he’s great; it could be that I have grown enough to have a normal reaction to what I perceive as a threat to what I want.

 

It is a shock to the system, alright...when one FINALLY meets that someone where the idea of him being with someone else is just...icky and eewww and 'NO, please'!!! For me, I'd already been married, and was WELL into my 4th decade. Being confronted with this new aspect of Self was...quite disconcerting.
It is a shock! I can hardly believe it. The worst part is that I want to avoid feeling it again but I know I have to face it one way or another.

 

The only thing that helped me (and only to a certain extent), was when I just accepted that, about this SPECIFIC guy, yeah...I can muster up jealous feelings about him, despite not being a "jealous person" and despite not liking "jealous people" -- that really didn't seem to matter when it came to this one particular guy.
ditto. What is that about? I was blindsided by it when I first posted. YAY for irrational freak outs…

 

If I was being confronted with it in a potential LDR, I'd probably take a pass but only cos, at this stage of my life, I'm trying to avoid high drama. Which isn't necessarily a good thing -- if not careful, one can get bored and/or stagnate.

Good luck -- it could be super-exciting, really, on many levels...just not so much on inner peace and tranquility. Maybe it depends on what you're valuing most, at this time?

Thanks! Is there a connotation of high drama with LDR? I generally feel very secure and happy. Sometimes when I get anxious about visiting I get a bit silly but it’s nothing adolescent. Thus far nothing has been any different than what I would feel getting to know anyone I’ve been interested in. Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating and downplaying. I do like him enough to travel really far and abandon fears.

you need to understand that unless that guy is giving you actual reasons to doubt him and be jealous, the problem is entirely within you. more importantly, unless you find a way to deal with it, eventually it will destroy the relaitonship. I speak from experience - that's how my ex-girlfriend eventually sabotaged what i though to be perfectly fine, though temporary LDR relationship. she obsessed about the "possibility" of me being unfaitful until eventually she found somebody local whom she could "trust".
I fully understand that it is my issue. I won’t punish him because of my issue. I need to be clear… if there were some sort of arrangement that stated that he wouldn’t… I’d trust him. I just don’t want that right now. It’s impractical and silly to expect that at this stage, if at all. Thanks for the warning. I won’t be horrible in that way. I know reality from what is in my mind. Sadly, the reality is that he is free to do whatever he wants… and I have to deal with that. I know I’m worth all of the delay and distance, but in reality there is no way he does – nor should he at this point. I wouldn’t feel right about that.

I've been in a similar situation and I understand how you feel, I think. It's not surprising that jealousy hits when rejection becomes a real possibility. When it's you granting him the option of a local lover, because you're being realistic and generous because you care for him, it's easier to deal with. When it's him dropping hints that tug on the rug beneath your feet just enough to remind you that you're not fully in control, it's something else, whether or not the "threat" is real.

 

I agree with the other posters that you have to try to take control at least of your own thoughts, and what you may unknowingly have invested in this. Put everything back in its rightful place and trust your faith to be ok no matter what. It's either that or becoming a robot. I tried the latter - it didn't work.

I loved this post. Thank you sailing. In no way is he trying to make me jealous – at least not in any serious manner. What is surprising to me was that I am/was jealous when I don’t want or expect anything exclusive. Although I wouldn’t call it “granting him an option”. He is his own… I grant nothing and I like it that way. If I wanted a pet I’d get a hamster. Hehe.

To conclude, I have control of my feelings now and I am planning to visit. I might need more help learning how to control it but as always I love LS and I appreciate all of your comments. Thank you!!

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Is there a connotation of high drama with LDR?

No...with jealousy :p. For me, 'jealousy and drama' go together like...well, you know.

For me, the shock and horror was exactly BECAUSE it wasn't anything that the guy was doing...I knew it was all me, just me, doing a freakin' freak-out all by my lonesome. At that, being all freaky and dramatic over something that had NEVER been an issue for me...even when guys HAD tried to "inspire" jealousy in me, I never got involved with it. A dramatic dilemma it was, that kept me in a confusing conundrum for quite some time.

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ate_the_paint

Hi Charlotte,

 

It's been a long time but it was nice to see that you're still posting here.

 

I don't know what to say, except that at least you recognize what you think and feel. I guess you need to base your decisions on that fact alone.

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LikeCharlotte
No...with jealousy :p. For me, 'jealousy and drama' go together like...well, you know.

For me, the shock and horror was exactly BECAUSE it wasn't anything that the guy was doing...I knew it was all me, just me, doing a freakin' freak-out all by my lonesome. At that, being all freaky and dramatic over something that had NEVER been an issue for me...even when guys HAD tried to "inspire" jealousy in me, I never got involved with it. A dramatic dilemma it was, that kept me in a confusing conundrum for quite some time.

Ahhh. Ok i get it now. *facepalm* I was obviously confused. :laugh:
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LikeCharlotte
Hi Charlotte,

 

It's been a long time but it was nice to see that you're still posting here.

 

I don't know what to say, except that at least you recognize what you think and feel. I guess you need to base your decisions on that fact alone.

hi ate_the_paint! Good to see you are still here as well. I inevitably work out whatever I think and feel but it is always good to come to LS and hear opinions. Many times I have been able to make decisions faster because LS guides me through the process and the people here very often help me see things from different perspectives.

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