girlfriend with mental issues

[jamestc]

I read this board every now and then and realize that people have a tendency to ramble about their problems a bit more than users would probably prefer. So, I'll try to keep this short.

 

My girlfriend and I have/had been going out for nearly a year. In recent months, she's gotten very angry...to the point of violence. Quick backstory. When she was in school, she suffered from body dysmorphic disorder, a disorder where you see things in your appearance that aren't actually there. It didn't help that she was teased, either. So, her mother put her on antidepressants and she basically became dependent on them for four years of high school.

 

Flash to when we're going out with each other. About five-six months into our relationship, she decides she doesn't want to be dependent on antidepressants and toys with the idea of not taking them anymore. I tell her that if it's what she wants I support it but to speak to a doctor about how to go about doing so. She does this and the doctor explains to her how to ween herself off of the meds. The medicine, by the way, is wellbutrin and cymbalta. She uses the doctors method to get off of wellbutrin, but decides to go cold turkey for cymbalta.

 

Now I'm not sure if the medical thing is the problem, but here is a list of actions she's taken within the last two months or so:

 

- got picked up by the cops off the side of the road while trying to walk home to see me because she was upset. she told the cops she wanted to kill herself and ended up in a psych. evaluation center for a couple of days.

 

- on a road trip from NJ to Chicago, IL, she completely freaks out while I'm driving, forcing me to pull the car over. She then gets out, smashes my phone into pieces, throws pebbles from the ground at me, kicks the side of her car like a maniac, and threatens to kill herself. now, i'm not going to play innocent. we got into an argument at gas station where i had to go to the bathroom and asked her to pump the gas. she, with an attitude, said no. and i said something like "okay, be a bitch about it." and that set her off.

 

- on the way back home from a show, she got upset over a comment i made about protecting her in the mosh pit. she said it made her feel inadequate and like she wasn't good enough. so she gets upset to the point where she threatens to jump out of the car and screams that i pull over. i don't until we get a little bit closer to home. i tell her i want to drive her home because obviously i'm worried about the threats she made. she flips out, kicks the windshiled (two huge cracks there now) and kicks the side of the car, damaging it even more.

 

at this point, after all of these things she admits that she needs help. so her and i talk about it and why she feels so inadequate and insecure. i feel like we make progress, that is, until...

 

- monday afternoon: she jams the keyboard drawer and i tell her not to worry about it, she stands up and starts yelling/crying that she can fix it and this progresses into anger as i try to calm her down. she throws a chair down, then begins to throw objects off of the wall at me. i tell her to leave, but as she's leaving i notice something in her hand. it's a wooden mallet that you'd find in a kitchen. she goes to my car with the mallet, takes out the two tail lights, the rear passenger side window, and then gets on top of the car with a rock. as she threatens to smash my windshield in, i just look at her with tears in my eyes and say "what in the world has gotten over you". she then collapses on the hood of my car into a bout of tears. soon after, she gets angry again and starts to yell every terrible thing about me. so i get forceful and grab her off of my car. she throws punch after punch and i just plant her into the grass and restrain her. the neighbors seemed to only have seen the part where i pinned her down and called the cops on the grounds of spousal abuse. the cops show up, i explain what happened. other witnesses who saw the whole thing explain what happened. they go up to take her away in cuffs. she strikes the cop with her cell-phone. boom, aggravated assault on a police officer. bail set at $50,000. I decide not to press charges for the damage to the car, but i get a temporary restraining order against her.

 

wow, that wasn't short at all. i apologize. i just wanted to squeeze in as many details that i thought were important as i could.

 

anyway, this happened a couple of days and i feel terrible. the incidents highlighted above are like straight out of a nightmare. we had such a great, loving relationship up until the last few months. i feel at fault. when she gets like that she says "you've driven me to this, you've driven me insane".

 

we had so much together, like it was a really deep relationship. and now it seems hopeless. why does she hate me so much to do these things? is it her fault? part of me wants to believe it's the medicine, but i don't know. i want to be with her, but i don't want to be with her. i care about her and it kills me that this happened. it killed me to watch her being taken away. she was in financial trouble as it was, and now to deal with this. one of the few things in life she enjoyed, horses, might have to be put up for sale so she can afford all of the fines she's going to have to pay. this is like, insane. and i just keep hoping i'll wake up from this. a complete 180. i feel abandoned, i feel to blame, i feel every bad feeling you could possibly feel. i have no idea how to go about this. should i speak to her again? what would i say? how do i cope with such a situation?

[Tony T]

Love is very state specific. If someone falls for you while they are heavy into alcohol, they probably won't be so much into you if they dry out. Your lady was very fond of you when she was on the medication. The withdrawal from that has changed her in chemical ways you will never comprehend.

 

It's VERY difficult having a relationship with someone who has mental issues. At the very best it is codependent. At worst you will one day be murdered. I suggest, for your own good, you write this one off and find someone a bit more stable. You may THINK you love her now but her behaviors will seriously wear thin on you eventually.

 

And who wants someone who requires medication in order to treat others well? That's bizarre. Her behavior is highly irrational but you may not always see it in light of a person who is mentally unstable. Understand, if you really care for somebody what they say sticks with you no matter what their mental state is. For her to often threaten to do something to herself and to continually go into tantrums will drive you to an early grave if you stick around. I have the greatest empathy for your lady and mental disease is very sad but there's nothing written anywhere that says you've got to get sucked into her stuff.

[justine4]

Your girlfriend has severe mental health problems, none of which are caused by you.

 

The people who can be of most benefit to her now are medically trained. I don't know too much about the body dysmorphic discorder (although I think a couple of people may have mentioned it before on here), however, the voilent behaviour she is showing needs to be dealt with. You must care for her an awful lot to go through all of this with her. Shes a lucky girl to have you.

 

None of her behaviour though is rational. Presumably it has a lot to do with coming off her medication, especially if this behaviour is only occurring after the medication has been reduced/omitted.

 

Theres nothing really you can do (apart from just being there for her, if you so wish). She needs to see a professional and get her aggressive behaviour and any other issues she may have dealt with.

 

Have you spoken with her mum about all of this? You say she was the one who got her onto the medication in the first place. You may discover that the reason she has given you for taking the medication may be true, but it may also be a small part of the reason and that she had far more serious mental issues that needed to be addressed.

 

As far as I am aware (feel free to correct if I am wrong) body dismorphic disorder is to do with your appearance and effects your selfesteem, self worth etc. I didn't think it had any violent outbursts. I could be wrong (I sometimes am!) but i'd really speak to her mum about it - it may give you a clearer idea as to what has happened in the past.

 

You should be proud of yourself for standing by and putting up with this behaviour. A lot of people wouldn't. You're a decent person - and that counts for a lot in this world.

 

Mental health problems are so common in the world we live in, its a fact. They effect not just the person themselves, but their friends, families etc. I applaud you for having the strength and loving, caring attitude in trying to help this girl and not just walking the other way.

 

I hope everything works out for you, whether its with her, or not.

[sedgwick]

Oh my god. I'm so sorry. What a terrible situation!

 

I, too, take Wellbutrin and Cymbalta. It is BAD NEWS if I stop. There's a difference between that and "dependence," though. It is not possible to become dependent on antidepressants in the clinical sense of the word. However, it is certainly possible to NEED them!

 

There's obviously either a mood disorder or personality disorder (or both) at play here. I'm not a doctor, so I can't say that definitively, of course. But it really, really sounds like bipolar or borderline to me. Eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder are very, very common amongst borderlines. I say this from the experience of being both borderline and bipolar, as well as having had an eating disorder for many years. Hers is exactly the kind of behavior I engaged in when I was unmedicated -- and even when I was just on antidepressants. It wasn't until I got on a mood stabilizer that things started to even out a bit. (Examples of mood stabilizers: lithium, Depakote, Lamictal, and other anticonvulsants.)

 

Cymbalta is an SSRI, and SSRIs are an awful thing to quit cold-turkey. The physical symptoms, such as dizziness and a ringing in the ears, are terrible, and obviously the emotional ones are pretty rough too. The kind of behavior you're describing really, really, really sounds like what happens when bipolar people try to come off SSRIs, especially if they do it suddenly. If you want to get off Cymbalta (or Paxil, or Effexor, or Prozac) you have to taper off it sloooooooooowly. Otherwise the withdrawal symptoms are going to kick your ass.

 

(Note that the above does not mean they are addictive! You're not going to end up in detox or dead if you quit taking them -- well, unless you commit suicide or get shot for assaulting a cop -- but you're not going to have a good time.)

 

The most important thing for you to remember is that YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, any more than you would be if she was possessed by a demon. This is all happening inside her head. It has absolutely nothing to do with you.

 

Has she ever had a full workup of neurological tests to make sure this isn't caused by a brain illness or injury? What did they say when she was evaluated in the psych ward? Is she still in jail?

 

And who wants someone who requires medication in order to treat others well? That's bizarre.

 

I require medication to treat others well. Absolutely. Should I be single forever?

 

Please, please, please think about the things you say. This is why there's still such a stigma surrounding mental illness and people don't go get help when they need it.

[jamestc]

Thanks for the replies. Especially yours, sedgwick.

 

As far as her mother goes, she's in complete denial of the situation, or at least she was. I haven't spoken to her, but my mother has and she said her mother thinks I must have done something for her to get this way. For a while she was even believing the spousal abuse thing that a neighbor was telling her (she arrived on the scene before the cops). But as far as I know, my gf told her what really happened and so her mother is seeking real help for her.

 

I agree, Tony T, that what she's said during her outbursts stick with me. Like, if I ever speak to her again I feel like I'm going to eventually ask her why she said those things. But maybe time will help those things go away, because they're not important if it's the result of something wrong with her. She is such a good person and my family was so shocked when they found out. But I never told anybody about some of the other outbursts she'd had and that was a mistake I'll never make again.

 

Still, it's hard to not feel guilty or to blame. I feel like I could've consoled her better, taken her problems more seriously. But then again, maybe this problem was just waiting in the wings and would've come out in some form at some time.

 

I love her. And if this is really the result of something wrong with her (which I have little doubt that it is), I'm willing to stand by and support her if that's what she wants. But I can't help but feel like she really hates me. I guess only time will tell what's going to happen.

[Tony T]

I have the greatest empathy for people with mental illness, whether they are taking medication or not. I am extremely familiar with the costs of being around them. I don't hang out with normal people with swinging, unpredictable moods and I won't hang out with those diagnosed with mental disease who have swinging, unpredictable moods. That's my choice. There are LOTS of other types of people I don't hang out with as well (selfish, self centered, angry, jealous, etc.).

 

Relationships are hard enough with people who are without biochemical imbalances in the brain. I have the greatest respect for those who choose to be in relationships with those who are having difficulties. However, the OP was asking for advice and I gave it. He must read what everybody has to say about the subject and make his own decision.

 

I have closely evaluated the behaviors described by the OP and that's simply something I don't want to be around. Life is way too short. Love does not conquer all, it doesn't even come close. Hell, my car will last longer than most love affairs...and I hate my car already at nine miles to the $3.90 per gallon of gas.

[sedgwick]

I don't hang out with normal people with swinging, unpredictable moods and I won't hang out with those diagnosed with mental disease who have swinging, unpredictable moods. That's my choice.

 

Wow. I'm so glad I've made the choice to be accepting of ALL people, and to consider ALL people as potential friends, rather than totally cutting out a huge segment of the population because of a brain chemistry/electricity dysfunction they can't help! And I always love it when non-mentally-ill people are referred to as "normal," nothing like that to build the self-esteem of those with mental illness!

 

Imagine just for a moment how it feels to me to be a person battling a mood disorder every day, struggling to live a life worth living, working really hard to be a good and interesting person and to stay on top of my health issues, and to know that if you met me, you'd have already dismissed me as someone you wouldn't want to know because of the way my thalamus and my amygdala communicate. Even though I'm on medication, even though I'm in therapy, I wouldn't be allowed to get to know you if I wanted to, because my diagnosis is one in which mood lability is a feature. It wouldn't matter that I could knit you a sweater, or dance at your birthday party, or write you great love notes. It's heartbreaking, and it makes me have to recommit myself once again to staying out of the shadows and refusing to be ashamed of my illness.

[Nevermind]

It wouldn't matter that I could knit you a sweater, or dance at your birthday party, or write you great love notes.

 

Why would you do or want to do all that to a person who has no interest in you?

[mcgintygirl]

:bunny:I would just like to applaud you for even being concerned about her issues and supportive. One thing I must say is EVERYONE WILL GO THROUGH MENTAL **** AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIVES. So for all the ****ers out there calling people crazy, just wait until you rough point comes.

 

Ok, after that ramble I must say that yes, sometimes indvididuals are confused, do strange things in their depressions that they would never really do. This is what is going on with your girlfriend. The fact that your have encouraged her to speak to her doctors and support her is golden.

 

I do have to mention that in this process it's fairly common for people to want to come off meds because they want to feel like everyone else. Fact of the matter is, society has ****ed up the image of psychology and psychiatry and that those involved are crazy on some level.. This is NOT true. People need help at times and for many when confusion, stress or habits (body dysmorphia) get out of hand so do your abilities to make proper decisons and your chemicals just feel out of wack.. Neurons are definitely firing in the wrong directions.

 

She says "you have driven me to this". I said this to my ex once, I was rock bottom, taking tons of Ambien even during the day to mask the pain and told him "he makes me want to die". It was a horrible thing and I wish I could take it back but really what I was saying was "i'm so scared, so alone and I'm so angry no one gets me especially my best friend... (YOU)". You are not at fault for this, it's just the most severe pain emotionally she has is coming out towards you b/c she does have a deep relationship with you but I promise it's not about you.

 

Being unconditional is important. She is trying to drive you away because she is so confused and emotionally struggling. We want to dig holes and lay in them to cry. I'm not sure how old she is but 25yrs old is when I hit a totally confused world.

 

My ex (boyfriend at the time)... got too scared and left me. He even said "i can't handle emotions" and went and got a new girl who he said was "cold" about a week later... (he was in grad school and it was brand new.. options were open).

 

Anyways... the fact you are asking for advice tells me your love her a lot as a person. Stay strong and no this isn't about you. There are many unresolved emotions that are surfacing now and real friends will stick by. If you leave her, you will do much damage.. Even if you break up, promise her you will always support her.

 

I know that would have saved me tons.

 

Best wishes, sorry mine is long too.

 

 

 

I read this board every now and then and realize that people have a tendency to ramble about their problems a bit more than users would probably prefer. So, I'll try to keep this short.

 

My girlfriend and I have/had been going out for nearly a year. In recent months, she's gotten very angry...to the point of violence. Quick backstory. When she was in school, she suffered from body dysmorphic disorder, a disorder where you see things in your appearance that aren't actually there. It didn't help that she was teased, either. So, her mother put her on antidepressants and she basically became dependent on them for four years of high school.

 

Flash to when we're going out with each other. About five-six months into our relationship, she decides she doesn't want to be dependent on antidepressants and toys with the idea of not taking them anymore. I tell her that if it's what she wants I support it but to speak to a doctor about how to go about doing so. She does this and the doctor explains to her how to ween herself off of the meds. The medicine, by the way, is wellbutrin and cymbalta. She uses the doctors method to get off of wellbutrin, but decides to go cold turkey for cymbalta.

 

Now I'm not sure if the medical thing is the problem, but here is a list of actions she's taken within the last two months or so:

 

- got picked up by the cops off the side of the road while trying to walk home to see me because she was upset. she told the cops she wanted to kill herself and ended up in a psych. evaluation center for a couple of days.

 

- on a road trip from NJ to Chicago, IL, she completely freaks out while I'm driving, forcing me to pull the car over. She then gets out, smashes my phone into pieces, throws pebbles from the ground at me, kicks the side of her car like a maniac, and threatens to kill herself. now, i'm not going to play innocent. we got into an argument at gas station where i had to go to the bathroom and asked her to pump the gas. she, with an attitude, said no. and i said something like "okay, be a bitch about it." and that set her off.

 

- on the way back home from a show, she got upset over a comment i made about protecting her in the mosh pit. she said it made her feel inadequate and like she wasn't good enough. so she gets upset to the point where she threatens to jump out of the car and screams that i pull over. i don't until we get a little bit closer to home. i tell her i want to drive her home because obviously i'm worried about the threats she made. she flips out, kicks the windshiled (two huge cracks there now) and kicks the side of the car, damaging it even more.

 

at this point, after all of these things she admits that she needs help. so her and i talk about it and why she feels so inadequate and insecure. i feel like we make progress, that is, until...

 

- monday afternoon: she jams the keyboard drawer and i tell her not to worry about it, she stands up and starts yelling/crying that she can fix it and this progresses into anger as i try to calm her down. she throws a chair down, then begins to throw objects off of the wall at me. i tell her to leave, but as she's leaving i notice something in her hand. it's a wooden mallet that you'd find in a kitchen. she goes to my car with the mallet, takes out the two tail lights, the rear passenger side window, and then gets on top of the car with a rock. as she threatens to smash my windshield in, i just look at her with tears in my eyes and say "what in the world has gotten over you". she then collapses on the hood of my car into a bout of tears. soon after, she gets angry again and starts to yell every terrible thing about me. so i get forceful and grab her off of my car. she throws punch after punch and i just plant her into the grass and restrain her. the neighbors seemed to only have seen the part where i pinned her down and called the cops on the grounds of spousal abuse. the cops show up, i explain what happened. other witnesses who saw the whole thing explain what happened. they go up to take her away in cuffs. she strikes the cop with her cell-phone. boom, aggravated assault on a police officer. bail set at $50,000. I decide not to press charges for the damage to the car, but i get a temporary restraining order against her.

 

wow, that wasn't short at all. i apologize. i just wanted to squeeze in as many details that i thought were important as i could.

 

anyway, this happened a couple of days and i feel terrible. the incidents highlighted above are like straight out of a nightmare. we had such a great, loving relationship up until the last few months. i feel at fault. when she gets like that she says "you've driven me to this, you've driven me insane".

 

we had so much together, like it was a really deep relationship. and now it seems hopeless. why does she hate me so much to do these things? is it her fault? part of me wants to believe it's the medicine, but i don't know. i want to be with her, but i don't want to be with her. i care about her and it kills me that this happened. it killed me to watch her being taken away. she was in financial trouble as it was, and now to deal with this. one of the few things in life she enjoyed, horses, might have to be put up for sale so she can afford all of the fines she's going to have to pay. this is like, insane. and i just keep hoping i'll wake up from this. a complete 180. i feel abandoned, i feel to blame, i feel every bad feeling you could possibly feel. i have no idea how to go about this. should i speak to her again? what would i say? how do i cope with such a situation?

[sunshinegirl]

Today's Carolyn Hax column (she's an advice columnist for the Washington Post) is very relevant to this thread - it's on relationships and mental illness:

 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/07/02/AR2008070202529.html

[ladyinlimbo]

James,

 

whatever her issues are, by remaining with her, you're putting yourself at great risk. At risk of her seriously hurting (or killing) you, at risk of you defending yourself against her and ending up with an assault charge against YOU! Whether it's her going off her med cold turkey or not, at this point it doesn't really matter. What matters is your safety. She is extremely abusive to you and this is affecting maybe even moreso than you realize. She needs professional help. Your job is not to save or rescue her. By remaining with her, you're putting your own life in danger. Look how she freaked out on you while you 2 were driving; what if you'd not been able to pull over and you'd ended up in a wreck?

 

If you feel you need to do something, sit down and talk with her Mom and explain these incidents of her rage and volatility. Tell her you aren't sure if it's because she went off her one med cold turkey but that she clearly needs professional help - and it's up to her Mom to 'wake up' and get involved here. Then you need to walk away.

 

Life is so short. It is not of any personal benefit to keep dangerous, toxic, abusive people in our lives. This isn't about you turning your back on someone with mental illness -- this is about you loving yourself first and foremost and protecting yourself -- your own personal safety and sanity.

 

What if she was to falsely accuse you of rape or something? She's clearly very unstable and capable of anything. Do you want your life to be ruined?

 

Maybe you yourself should go and speak with a counsellor or mental health professional -- to help you get some perspective on this situation. I think it would help you a lot. You are likely to remain with her out of a sense of guilt and not wanting to 'abandon' the woman you once loved -- but you simply can't remain a part of this, you just can't.

[sedgwick]

Why would you do or want to do all that to a person who has no interest in you?

 

I'm speaking hypothetically.