dharris27 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 i beat myself up every day over this breakup. Any time i think about him or his new "love if his life" he started dating just a month or so after we split - the one he's better to. The one that mothers him because she's older than me by a lot. I compare myself to her, even though she's seven years older than me - I'm 23 she's 30 or 31. She just got a cool job has a new car has a well established small group of funky cool friends, and she's secure or desperate enough to start dating my ex before he'd ever healed. She's even mature enough to make sure and ignore me whenever she sees me even though she knew me before. I get mad at myself for letting things like that get to me. Because all our mutual friends like her a lot, except for a few, i feel like maybe they like her more than me. And i beat myself up for sounding so pathetic in my head. I beat myself up for missing the hell out of him even though i broke up with him. I beat myself up for going back to him every time he'd beg me not to go or he'd tell me he'd be better. I could have left long before two years and not been as devistated. I feel used. I feel left behind. And i feel humliated they can both walk around me like i don't exist. I'm so aware that beating myself up has kept me from coping. i want everyone to know it's silly to do that. I think what i feel is some what natural now and i feel better mostly. But, i don't know how to deal with the overwhelming reality of what happened, has happened, and how my life has had to become akward and change so much. I just want time to pass. I want to heal. I've made a promise to get out there and do what's good for me. I keep thinking of contacting him and asking him to stop being so awkward around me because it's disrespectful and humliating that you were so in love with me and you can hide that so well now that you are in love with someone else. Man. I wish i weren't so complicated. In my defense i say to myself: This girl took on a project of a boyfriend who's a lot younger. She's had seven more years than me to develope the friends and life style she truely wants. She has graduated for years now, i'm still in school, and I'm already ahead of her than where she was at 23. I'm also big enough to make NC with him so they can be happy. He wanted to stay in touch, she would have hated that. I'm also big enough to say hi, and i'm only 23 and he is MY ex. That already makes me more mature. When he was my age he wasn't very happy at all. He's happy now because he graduated and makes a lot of money and has the time to relax - plus a new girlfriend so he never had more than a few weeks to think or refelct on his pain from our breakup. Nor has he ever had a lonely night. Of course they're happy together. He only would hang out with people who he thought were good enough, which meant people who were into what he was into and that's it. She and her friends are exactly into what he likes and nothing else so i guess this works. It that I'm better than you thing that made so many people consider him an *******. Whatever, it's not worth beating myself up. When i think how angry he was i wouldn't want to work on things after all the odd and distrustful things he did, sometimes i beat myself up. I wanted to marry the better him, i guess she gets him though. I cut myself a break though. I was 21 when we met, i should never have gotten so serious with someone or worked soooo hard on something when i was still trying to discover myself. It was so much work forgiving him and trying to figure out how to hold on or let go of him i lost myself. He's older, she's older, and time and experience is everything. Link to post Share on other sites
roghornio Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 Don't beat yourself up... Neither of you can say you've met the "love of your life" at the age you're at... you can only say that on your death bed Take it all in, learn the lessons from the split and move forward to the next. Link to post Share on other sites
dazed.1 Posted June 27, 2008 Share Posted June 27, 2008 I think you spend way too much time and energy thinking about her and him. You should seriously be spending this time developing yourself, getting your individuality back. If you have all common friends with him then go find some new friends, get interested in your hobbies again or find new ones (I suggest working out...spin classes are my fav to drain some energy usefully). Sitting around, dwelling on your ex and his new flame is holding you back from moving on and you are the only one who is going to be hurt from that. And comparing yourself to her?? Why torture yourself like that? Who cares about her, or him, you two are through and you seriously need to push forward and move on with YOUR life. d Link to post Share on other sites
Author dharris27 Posted June 27, 2008 Author Share Posted June 27, 2008 you're right. I don't why i ever put so much validity into him acknowledging me or not and all this. You are simply, correct. I will try really hard to say that to myself any time i think about it. -Danielle Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 {{{{Danielle}}} Link to post Share on other sites
Author dharris27 Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 {{{{Danielle}}} What does that mean? Yes? Link to post Share on other sites
carrotgirl Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 What does that mean? Yes? Just a plain, old, ordinary virtual hug I'm afraid. I felt an urge to hug you. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Author dharris27 Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 thank you. yeah. Amazing how much i'm letting things sink in just now because i wrote this last one. This has been the real hang up. And it's just plain and simple. Dazed.1, it's obvious, yeah. But i just have to be a good person and accept that. A good person to myself. And hopefully that will create the positivity i've needed in my life for some time now. thank you all. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 28, 2008 Share Posted June 28, 2008 dharris, try not to beat yourself up over things outside your control. This is self-destructive behaviour, in that it erodes on your self-respect and self-esteem. If you want to constructively beat yourself up, by pushing yourself out of this negative loop, I'll be the first one to cheer you on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dharris27 Posted June 28, 2008 Author Share Posted June 28, 2008 yeah, it was wierd. because i broke up with him, because i never realized anything would change all that much, it was like i blamed myself for making a desicison that would cause things to happen outside of my control that would make me have to give up things i liked - enviroments, friends, ect. I am a bit of a control freak so I'm learning to be more of a go with the flo type. It's not as if staying with someone who didn't feel good enough for me would have resulted in a whole lot of positivity either, so i feel stronger now. Like i can accept this. I feel better. I'm ready to push on now. That the mantra that i say to myself every day now and i feel the happiness bursting from within, like the sadness just shoved it inside my heart for so long it accumulated and can't be stopped now that i'm choosing to put the sadness aside. I've always known life is beautiful and so is love. I'm ready to know that again. Thank you! I will try to beat myself up in the right direction from now on. Link to post Share on other sites
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