Anyone feel strange because they are actually coping?

[mollers]

Hi there, this may be a situation peculiar only to me, but has anyone else been made to feel a bit weird because they are coping?

 

My relationship ended just over 6 weeks ago and I was devastated, I cried and wrote my heart out in a journal for about 2 weeks, tried to speak to him to sort things out and then went NC from then on. I thought our relationship was for keeps (I am 38 with a child, he was 44) and we had made plans to buy a house etc. I thought we knew where we were at and had finally found my soul mate).

 

Anyway, I digress! It is the reactions of other people that are now affecting me. I keep being told 'Oh my god, how is it that you are coping? If I were in your shoes I would be wreck?'. 'How come you are dealing with this so well?'. 'Are you sure it is really over? Should you not make one more attempt to sort this out?'

 

Every time someone says something like this to me, it sets me thinking about him again, and thinking that I should be still lying on the floor crying, or should at least be trying to get him back in my life. Is anyone else experiencing this? It really doesn't help me and makes me feel like I am blocking something out.

[carhill]

Dealing with someone in pain is difficult. People try to empathize and show support. Sometimes it comes out wrong (to the recipient). Perhaps focusing on the empathy and the sentiment rather than the specific words can be helpful. These people are thinking about you.

 

Do you have a trusted friend you can be completely open with?

 

You will grieve and emotionally "get over" the relationship in your own unique way. There is no guide. No "right way". There's your way and it's personal to you. I wish you well

[mollers]

Dealing with someone in pain is difficult. People try to empathize and show support. Sometimes it comes out wrong (to the recipient). Perhaps focusing on the empathy and the sentiment rather than the specific words can be helpful. These people are thinking about you.

 

Do you have a trusted friend you can be completely open with?

 

You will grieve and emotionally "get over" the relationship in your own unique way. There is no guide. No "right way". There's your way and it's personal to you. I wish you well

 

Hi Carhill; yes, I suppose they are trying to empathise and show they are concerned about me, it just makes me feel a bit like they think I am not dealing with the situation properly. I poured my heart out to my friends for the first fortnight and then thought 'enough is enough', and tried to deal with things objectively because when my last relationship broke down, I really went downhill and I will NOT let that happen to me again.

 

Maybe I have been a bit hard-faced?! You are right, there is no 'right way'.

[carrie3107]

I was doing ok until i broke nc the other week

 

I explained to a friend that i think i just wanted the drama and feel bad again!!!

[Nevermind]

It's different for me, people who know are surprised I am not over it already. D-Day was 6 weeks ago as well.

 

I would love to cope, but honestly...if he were to call and give me any hint that he would like to work it out...I don't know how to react?

The pain...is there. It's just not as fresh anymore. The crying is less. I cried yesterday and today for the first time in more than a week. I am afraid that I will never be able to trust again. To allow myself to love again. I am afraid that I will always be hoping for him to be the person I loved and to come back to me. I am devastated that he doesn't miss me at all.

 

Coping? Not here. And I know I should be over it.

 

It was just 2 years..

 

Don't feel bad that you are coping. It is great. Carhill is right, people are probably voicing their support in a not so helpful way.

 

Hold your head up high.

[CailinPig]

Oh my God, you lucky woman!!! NO, don't worry about people saying that to you. People cope in different ways. It depends on your situation. Personally, I'm starting a ourse in september but have no job now and sit at home all day, so I'm finding it's taking me a lot of time to get over the break up.

However, you're probably busy, you have a great child in your life to distract you; maybe that's why you're coping so well?

[carhill]

I poured my heart out to my friends for the first fortnight and then thought 'enough is enough', and tried to deal with things objectively because when my last relationship broke down, I really went downhill and I will NOT let that happen to me again.

It's a cycle in your emotional psychology, affected by any of your relationship parameters, as well as how your emotions were formed as a young person and the cumulation of your life experience. That's what I meant by "unique". No other person can feel your experience exactly the way you do. So, if you "pour your heart out", then recover, then "pour" some more, it's normal for you. The fact that you can talk about it here speaks volumes to how "normal" you are

 

Oh, and beware that how you feel often has no relation to the length of the relationship. Sometimes it's those short ones which really bite you.

 

Acceptance is key IMO. Acceptance of your grief, acceptance of the love that others show you. Peace will follow in its time

[mollers]

It's different for me, people who know are surprised I am not over it already. D-Day was 6 weeks ago as well.

 

I would love to cope, but honestly...if he were to call and give me any hint that he would like to work it out...I don't know how to react?

The pain...is there. It's just not as fresh anymore. The crying is less. I cried yesterday and today for the first time in more than a week. I am afraid that I will never be able to trust again. To allow myself to love again. I am afraid that I will always be hoping for him to be the person I loved and to come back to me. I am devastated that he doesn't miss me at all.

 

Coping? Not here. And I know I should be over it.

 

It was just 2 years..

 

Don't feel bad that you are coping. It is great. Carhill is right, people are probably voicing their support in a not so helpful way.

 

Hold your head up high.

 

Hey, I say I'm coping but if he were to contact me......I might implode!

 

I suppose it helps in a way that I have my son to look after and concentrate on; if it was just myself it might be a different story? I did say in an earlier thread that I had a niggling doubt that whilst I am coping, maybe one day it will hit me properly and I will get a big shock, hope not. Until then thought I'll just keep doing what I am doing.

 

Best wishes to you Nevermind. One day at a time is all you can do.

[mollers]

However, you're probably busy, you have a great child in your life to distract you; maybe that's why you're coping so well?

 

You took the words right out of my mouth, I just said that in my reply to Nevermind. I think my son is my biggest help when I am down. He is an angel.

 

Best wishes to you too Cailinpig. You'll all get there in your own way and time.

[mollers]

It's a cycle in your emotional psychology, affected by any of your relationship parameters, as well as how your emotions were formed as a young person and the cumulation of your life experience. That's what I meant by "unique". No other person can feel your experience exactly the way you do. So, if you "pour your heart out", then recover, then "pour" some more, it's normal for you. The fact that you can talk about it here speaks volumes to how "normal" you are

 

Oh, and beware that how you feel often has no relation to the length of the relationship. Sometimes it's those short ones which really bite you.

 

Acceptance is key IMO. Acceptance of your grief, acceptance of the love that others show you. Peace will follow in its time

 

 

Thanks Carhill. That makes a lot of sense to me :-)

[LikeCharlotte]

Hi there, this may be a situation peculiar only to me, but has anyone else been made to feel a bit weird because they are coping?

Yes. I was a wreck at first but the minute it was over I accepted it and let myself feel terrible. My friends don't understand a bit.

 

Edit: It was too long I decided to make a thread!

[mollers]

I wrote an incredibly long reply to mollers post. Other people do try to make me feel bad that I m coping. In general people I love really don't understand my emotional side because I rarely show it. I don't have responses that people expect. I don't mind much because it has always been this way for me. I couldn't be more grateful for LS. Without LS I would have had no where to turn.

 

I just have one lingering problem... I'm still not sleeping.

 

 

Likecharlotte - wow. Great post. I wish I could remember my last 6 weeks so clearly. Although looking back through my journal I can see that I have moved on from blaming myself so much and wallowing in regret to recognising that he played a part in the downfall of our relationship.

 

I think I need to learn to just accept what is happening to me rather than trying to analyse it so much. If people think I should still be crying and making another attempt to save my relationship, I need to think 'So what?' rather than think they know best. I think my friends believe that I should have made more attempts to save the relationship than just the one attempt I did make.

 

In my opinion, I made one attempt, it failed and I had to move on with NC. Otherwise I would drive myself into the ground with my emotions. If he wanted to be with me, he would be, simple as.

 

Like you, I am very grateful to LS.

 

Edit: my reply won't make sense now you have edited yours, but you know what I am talking about!

[LikeCharlotte]

Likecharlotte - wow. Great post. I wish I could remember my last 6 weeks so clearly. Although looking back through my journal I can see that I have moved on from blaming myself so much and wallowing in regret to recognising that he played a part in the downfall of our relationship.

 

I think I need to learn to just accept what is happening to me rather than trying to analyse it so much. If people think I should still be crying and making another attempt to save my relationship, I need to think 'So what?' rather than think they know best. I think my friends believe that I should have made more attempts to save the relationship than just the one attempt I did make.

 

In my opinion, I made one attempt, it failed and I had to move on with NC. Otherwise I would drive myself into the ground with my emotions. If he wanted to be with me, he would be, simple as.

 

Like you, I am very grateful to LS.

 

Edit: my reply won't make sense now you have edited yours, but you know what I am talking about!

I made it a thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155568/. I made one attempt as well. Analyzing is good for me. He decided to end it with you? Then you are right. When did you start journaling?

[mollers]

I made it a thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t155568/. I made one attempt as well. Analyzing is good for me. He decided to end it with you? Then you are right. When did you start journaling?

 

When I say analysing is bad for me, I think I mean analysing why I am coping quite well. Analysing the relationship I think has been good for me.

 

I started writing this journal just before we split up. Yes, he decided to end the relationship, but I was the one who initiated the conversation that led to the relationship ending. By this I mean, I started a conversation about a couple of things that had been niggling me, thinking that our relationship was strong enough that we could discuss them, and then move on. The fact that I raised them seemed to completely faze him, leading to the relationship ending.

 

I have struggled with it ending so suddenly but I refuse to let it take over my whole life. Yes I loved him, yes I still love him, but I can't live my life for him.

[stlnsmile]

I made one attempt as well. And there were a few days there where I really kicked myself...should I have tried again...that one night he touched my arm for example....should I have at least called...whatever....but again....I see so many times on this board, people chasing their ex's and it does not change anything. If anything, it makes it worse, because then they are viewed as crazy, stalkers or whatever. I feel and still feel, the one who breaks it off, after you make an attempt, if they want you...let them come. I didn't break his heart, he broke mine. So its his job to make any attempts. And ya know what......he never ever did. So I accepted and moved on. He moved on anyway with someone else, so that just solidified my decision for me. But how pitiful would it have been for me to call 3 times, 4 times, 6 times...whatever. Nahhhh...not me. And even if it was a mistake, I guess now, its a mistake I am ready to make....I don't want someone who can walk out of my life that easily. Love is not like that, it doesn't just poof one day dissapear if its real. This was way too easy for him to let go of, he never fought one day for me....sooooo.....it was too easy to loose. Don't know if that makes any sense. Made sense to me:cool:

[stlnsmile]

When I say analysing is bad for me, I think I mean analysing why I am coping quite well. Analysing the relationship I think has been good for me.

 

I started writing this journal just before we split up. Yes, he decided to end the relationship, but I was the one who initiated the conversation that led to the relationship ending. By this I mean, I started a conversation about a couple of things that had been niggling me, thinking that our relationship was strong enough that we could discuss them, and then move on. The fact that I raised them seemed to completely faze him, leading to the relationship ending.

 

I have struggled with it ending so suddenly but I refuse to let it take over my whole life. Yes I loved him, yes I still love him, but I can't live my life for him.

 

Same I started the conversation, actually saying "I don't know if this relationship is working out" I was pissed then, then I said I was sorry, that I did want to work on it, (like 10 minutes later) to which he replied, no I want a break....and thus it all started. He had just invited me up to his house before the conversation started, and there are days I hit myself "why oh why did I start that coversation, why didn't I just go over, we probably would have been fine"...but you know, as I said, love doesn't just up and dissapear. The relationship had problems, problems he was not willing to address and things he was not willing to change, like selfish, self serving behavior....sooo.......IDK, if I had gone to his house would we still be together....Nooo, I think he wanted this anyway.

 

I beat myself up for a while...did I scare him, he had been broken up with one time before, was he just reacting...but again......I called 6 days later and just gave everything I could......told him basically everything that I knew needed to be said to work through things......he wanted nothing to do with me. Maybe I scared him, maybe I didn't, maybe this is what he really wanted all along, maybe he never cared at all......I will never ever know. He did say though, that he had been thinking for four months how to break it off.......so that sort of clued me in to the fact that it had nothing to do with the conversation I had started. Bottom line....I will never know all the answers, and now, I don't care to have them, I am finally happy again, and know I did all I could do.

[mollers]

Same I started the conversation, actually saying "I don't know if this relationship is working out" I was pissed then, then I said I was sorry, that I did want to work on it, (like 10 minutes later) to which he replied, no I want a break....and thus it all started. He had just invited me up to his house before the conversation started, and there are days I hit myself "why oh why did I start that coversation, why didn't I just go over, we probably would have been fine"...but you know, as I said, love doesn't just up and dissapear. The relationship had problems, problems he was not willing to address and things he was not willing to change, like selfish, self serving behavior....sooo.......IDK, if I had gone to his house would we still be together....Nooo, I think he wanted this anyway.

 

I beat myself up for a while...did I scare him, he had been broken up with one time before, was he just reacting...but again......I called 6 days later and just gave everything I could......told him basically everything that I knew needed to be said to work through things......he wanted nothing to do with me. Maybe I scared him, maybe I didn't, maybe this is what he really wanted all along, maybe he never cared at all......I will never ever know. He did say though, that he had been thinking for four months how to break it off.......so that sort of clued me in to the fact that it had nothing to do with the conversation I had started. Bottom line....I will never know all the answers, and now, I don't care to have them, I am finally happy again, and know I did all I could do.

 

Wow you could be writing how my relationship ended. I asked him if I hadn't started the conversation, what would have happened? Would we still be together? And he said, yes probably! He hadn't seen any issues apparently, yet when I raised some (tiny ones, just open to discussion) - he says, yes, we should end it.....also makes me wonder if he had been looking for a way out and I gave it to him, but hand on heart, he had never given me any indication if he felt that way

 

As you say, you don't walk away easily if you love someone. I don't believe in working on 'loving someone', either you love them or you don't, but I do believe in working to make relationships stronger. That is all I was trying to do and it ended my relationship. I made one attempt to save it after that, and it got me nowhere. So I won't try again. If he wanted me, he'd come to me, and to be honest, if he turned up now, I don't think I have the respect left to give it a go.

 

I like the new me. Pity I didn't find this me when I was with him..