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How long does it take to heal from being cheated on?


serendip

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I know the answer is...it depends on the person...

 

But I'm just looking for other people's experiences in this dept.

 

I've never been cheated on before and I have never cheated.

 

It's been a year since the breakup and I still find myself angry(sometimes...not all the time now) over the cheating. I try not to think about it or dwell on it too much but sometimes it just hits me and I replay it in my mind. It gets me upset.

 

 

For the most part I am doing alright...having fun and enjoying the summer.

 

Anyone have experience in this...on getting over being cheated on and how long it took?

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It's been a month since I found out (almost exactly, it was the 4th of May I think).

 

Anger...no. Disappointment, yes. Pain, yes. But...it's more about being lied on than being cheated on. And since I didn't behave good when I found out, part of me wonders if I drove him away even further. If I hadn't been so crazy, maybe we could have been friends.

 

Will I ever recover from the pain? Yes. In a way, I will. But the scar will always be there. And I will never trust as blindly as I did in this relationship. Which I regret, because I was feeling good about not being jealous. And it is bad that this is a side I can never show to anybody else. It died with him.

 

Maybe it depends on the kind of cheating, and how both people behaved on D-Day.

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lovelorcet

I decided to stay that time and it took me about 2-3 years to let it go. She really worked hard to rebuild things and was deeply ashamed at what she did. I never, not even once held it over her head.

 

On the bright side though it get easier to deal with every time it happens :p

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Trialbyfire

It took about 6 months, serious payback and some therapy to work through the anger. The last 1% took about another 6 months.

 

I will never forgive the action or trust blindly again, but then, blind trust isn't a good way to live life. I did forgive the person, in that the last time we spoke, he was still getting therapy to help with his disorder. For many, they don't bother working on themselves and never accept full responsibility for their actions.

 

Having said that I forgive him, doesn't mean I want someone like this in my life. As it stands, he's out of it completely. I reject and eject negative influences in my life.

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sunshinegirl
It's been a month since I found out (almost exactly, it was the 4th of May I think).

 

Anger...no. Disappointment, yes. Pain, yes. But...it's more about being lied on than being cheated on. And since I didn't behave good when I found out, part of me wonders if I drove him away even further. If I hadn't been so crazy, maybe we could have been friends.

 

Will I ever recover from the pain? Yes. In a way, I will. But the scar will always be there. And I will never trust as blindly as I did in this relationship. Which I regret, because I was feeling good about not being jealous. And it is bad that this is a side I can never show to anybody else. It died with him.

 

Maybe it depends on the kind of cheating, and how both people behaved on D-Day.

 

I'm a lot like NM. Was dumped a month ago and foudn out he had cheated about 2 weeks ago (feels like an eternity ago at this point!). I completely trusted him - I'm not a jealous person and I never once imagined he would lie to and betray me, especially since his ex-wife cheated on him.

 

So I don't know how long it will take to recover. In some ways it's easier than the breakups where nothing really went wrong but the guy just didn't want to be with me. (In such cases, it's harder to get to the place of accepting he wasn't right for me.) With cheating involved, it's very very clear that this ex's character SUCKS. However, there is a whole different "coming to terms" process involved with cheating - reconciling the person you thought they were with the person they actually turned out to be. I really thought the world of him and still sometimes struggle to believe he's such a scared, weak man of dubious character. It's also hard to make sense of the lies, betrayal, and the sense that he just didn't respect me nearly as much as I thought or as much as I respected him.

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I know the answer is...it depends on the person...

 

But I'm just looking for other people's experiences in this dept.

 

I've never been cheated on before and I have never cheated.

 

It's been a year since the breakup and I still find myself angry(sometimes...not all the time now) over the cheating. I try not to think about it or dwell on it too much but sometimes it just hits me and I replay it in my mind. It gets me upset.

 

 

For the most part I am doing alright...having fun and enjoying the summer.

 

Anyone have experience in this...on getting over being cheated on and how long it took?

 

If I was still married, I still wouldn't be healed. Only way, in my opinion, to COMPLETELY heal from being cheated on is to get rid of the cheater.

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For many, they don't bother working on themselves and never accept full responsibility for their actions.

 

 

I think that's where my anger lies.

 

At times she acts as if she didn't cheat...or doesn't know she cheated...

 

-for example 'wondering why there was so much drama during our breakup' (this was in feb 2008...10 mths after- it's b/c she cheated- of course that creates drama)

 

Other times she knows she cheated but then gives excuses/justifications...

 

examples

 

-she couldn't help herself b/c she was so attracted to the other guy (my personal fave)

-The LDR was too hard on her and there were too many guys (I had to remind her she cheated before and during the LDR)

 

And other times she realizes what she really did...and said what she did was horrible and how she sabotaged the relationship

 

She still to this day doesn't understand why she did it(she kept telling how she wanted to marry me and never felt more loved and secured)

 

 

So I suppose this is what keeps me stuck in this phase...she flip flops back and forth btwn not knowing she cheated(base on her words and actions) to feeling super guilty about it. So I just severed all ties with her (NC for 2 complete months and ignore her last attempt at contact). If she had just apologized and not made excuses...I would have forgiven her along time ago.

 

I try not to focus on it but sometimes it hits me and I still get angry over her cheating and her actions afterwards(flip flopping, excuses...etc). I wonder how long it's going to take for me to heal. I'm trying to focus on my life and I am for the most part doing alright.

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Trialbyfire
I think that's where my anger lies.

 

At times she acts as if she didn't cheat...or doesn't know she cheat...

 

-for example 'wondering why there was so much drama during our breakup' (it's b/c she cheated- of course that creates drama)

 

Other times she knows she cheated but then gives excuses/justifications...

 

examples

 

-she couldn't help herself b/c she was so attracted to the other guy (my personal fave)

-The LDR was too hard on her and there were too many guys (I had to remind her she cheated before and during the LDR)

 

And other times she realizes what she really did...and said what she did was horrible and how she sabotaged the relationship

 

She still to this day doesn't understand why she did it(she kept telling how she wanted to marry me and never felt more loved and secured)

 

 

So I suppose this is what keeps me stuck in this phase...she flip flops back and forth btwn not knowing she cheated(base on her words and actions) to feeling super guilty about it. So I just severed all ties with her (NC for 2 complete months and ignore her last attempt at contact). If she had just apologized and not made excuses...I would have forgiven her along time ago.

 

I try not to focus on it but sometimes it hits me and I still get angry over her cheating and her actions afterwards(flip flopping, excuses...etc). I wonder how long it's going to take for me to heal. I'm trying to focus on my life and I am for the most part doing alright.

This is someone to eject out of your life, with full force. I have a spring-loaded chair I use especially for this type of self-justifier. On max load, it ensures they face-plant while bouncing, numerous times. ;)

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I can say that without a doubt, that the best way to get over the person who cheated on you is to let that person go. I don't think trust ever recovers in a situation like that- making it extremely difficult to get back to a healthy relationship.

 

My ex husband cheated on my after almost 9 years together. I did not have the inclination to stay with him- even though I loved him. I just knew that I would never be able to have a trusting relationship after that- so I left.

 

I am over the man that did this to me- even forgave him and wish him the best. I am NOT over the trauma the cheating caused though. I have had much difficulty trusting people since that happened.

 

So in my opinion, I think getting over the person is actually easier then getting over the situation of being cheated on. It affects your self esteem, makes you question yourself- exaggerates your insecurities... and that is something you can internalize forever if you aren't diligent in working through it.

 

So, getting over the person is sometimes the easy part... it's the residual memories of what that pain caused you that can have lasting effects.

As soon as I get close to someone- I start remembering that being vulnerable puts me in a position where I could experience that pain again- thathas led to lots of sabotaging and short lived meaningless relationships.

 

It's been 5 years for me... And I still am reluctant to open myself up to anyone.

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underpants

Oh yea,

 

What D said.

 

The damage that causes is so ugly. Sure you get over the person, but at the cost of being painfully aware and very slow to invest.

 

Unfortunately in my case some old demons are attempting to reinsert themselves in my life again and it really just ...puts me off. They seem to be immune to my eject button.

 

Time for a hammer.

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Trialbyfire

unders, sometimes duct tape works better. Start at the top of the head, ensuring it's airtight.

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underpants
unders, sometimes duct tape works better. Start at the top of the head, ensuring it's airtight.

 

That takes too long.

 

I am plotting.

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sunshinegirl
It took about 6 months, serious payback and some therapy to work through the anger. The last 1% took about another 6 months.

 

I'm curious what you meant by "serious payback" TBF...

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Trialbyfire
I'm curious what you meant by "serious payback" TBF...

If you're wondering if I revenge cheated, no I would never do that. All I did was to lead the OW to believe I would tell her husband. Her CYA actions of confession to her husband, caused the breakup to her marriage. Her husband contacted me and I provided him all the information I got from my PI, to him. Last I heard, they were in a messy divorce with a fierce custody battle over their son.

 

The OW also repayed my ex, by blowing the whistle on him for breaking non-frat rules. He almost lost his job as an Executive Vice-president, but managed to save it through excellent legal counsel.

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sunshinegirl

Wow TBF at least the universe paid them both back, in spades, for what they did! Did it bring you a measure of satisfaction/relief to be able to witness karma coming full circle?

 

It depresses me to think that I will never get such satisfaction in my own situation - I suspect others who have been cheated on feel similarly. In my case it feels fundamentally unfair that the cheater gets to waltz off into a happy new future while I get to deal with the aftermath of his rejection and betrayal. I just wish I could have a window into the universe's plans for him 'getting his due'. I'm not the vengeful type myself, but I do like to see the universe even itself out eventually.

 

Friends have tried to console me with (1) he's already got bad karma given his failed marriage and child who lives 500 miles away; (2) a relationship that starts off from cheating isn't likely to be successful; (3) deep down he knows he was a ***** to me and he has to live with that; (4) his personal capacity for happiness in an intimate relationship seems limited anyway.

 

I wish that stuff felt like enough!

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Trialbyfire

Karma is a major bitch, especially when she has help.

 

I have no remorse over this at all. Cheating has far reaching implications of which you can't predict or control. Stud around on me and you'll see the far-reaching implications...

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sunshinegirl: We are really in similar situations. I am not vengeful, but I do find it unfair that he is happy as a lark and completely untroubled by all the things he did.

 

Points 2 and 4 might be true for me as well. I certainly don't know why his new girl would be with someone who cheated on her and threw her under the bus when I found out, just to get back together on a whim when he thought me dead. Just sickening, really. But it seems he has her under the same spell I was under. And then there is this part of me that wants him back, him being the image I had of him that wasn't true.

 

Sigh. 3 doesn't count for me. He doesn't feel bad. Lacks the emotional depth, I think.

 

We are suffering. We lost the trust. They waltz away. :sick: Maybe in another life, they'll experience the same pain we did.

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LikeCharlotte

I was upset about the lying during the relationship. He denied that he would cheat but I saw it coming and just waited for the lie. Telling me the truth would have at least made me care enough to listen. When it happened that was it. Game over. I never regretted it. It didn't hurt because I instantly felt nothing at all for him romantically. I guess it was so easy for me because I knew her and I knew she was using him to validate herself after her own failed relationship. I was never jealous. I just couldn''t believe he was that stupid. She turned out to be a complete psycho that stalked him in the middle of the night and threw screaming tantrums on his lawn because he wouldn't come to the door. HA! We are still friends and I still hear that I was a great g/f and he really messed up. I guess he never got over his mistake. That was about six years ago.

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I think my ex got away pretty unscathed from this.

 

-She hooked up with the person she cheated on me with and then she broke up with him. Now she is in a relationship(not sure if it's a good one or not) with someone else

 

-She really loves her lifestyle(outdoors) and her work

 

-I don't think she feels guilty for what she did or if she does it's minor

 

I did try the revenge route by manipulating her at the beginning of our breakup...but all it did was hurt me more and I confess to her what I did.

 

I realize I should have loved myself enough to walk away from her.

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underpants

Well the good news is that not everyone cheats.

 

So, while a past experience might have let you down. Really, it does free you to find a more compatible partner.

 

Some people cope by becoming what hurt them. They go on to cheat on someone else or become involved with a person in a relationship. I've never really understood that. Seems like a sick revenge or self punishment/weird validation thing.

 

In most cases that I know about the partner that was cheated on goes on to find a better (for them) person to invest in. Also, in most cases that I see, the cheating partner and affair partners, carry around the guilt, self absorbing tendencies, and the reputation. These things seem to display themselves in a myriad of unhealthy ways.

 

The consequences of our choices do play out over time.

 

All you can do is try to make wise choices, taking others into consideration.

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Trialbyfire
Some people cope by becoming what hurt them. They go on to cheat on someone else or become involved with a person in a relationship. I've never really understood that. Seems like a sick revenge or self punishment/weird validation thing.

 

In most cases that I know about the partner that was cheated on goes on to find a better (for them) person to invest in. Also, in most cases that I see, the cheating partner and affair partners, carry around the guilt, self absorbing tendencies, and the reputation. These things seem to display themselves in a myriad of unhealthy ways.

I couldn't agree with you more on both of these paragraphs.

 

In reference to your first paragraph, people do this kind of thing, not only in situations of cheating but also, dysfunctional relationships. They take on the role that they perceived as the power seat and replay the same scenario.

 

As for your second paragraph, yes, it turns into a constant need to self-justify with a greater and greater need for external validation.

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I am thinking about sending the ex a bill for the expenses I had during his last visit. I invited him to a lot of things and spoilt him senseless. He did enjoy it and the promise was that I'd get the same treatment once I'll go see him again. Never happened. Plus, a part of those presents were directly enjoyed with her. It's a pretty considerable amount for a student and I worked my ass off for that money.

 

Yes or no?

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sunshinegirl
In reference to your first paragraph, people do this kind of thing, not only in situations of cheating but also, dysfunctional relationships. They take on the role that they perceived as the power seat and replay the same scenario.

 

Holy crap. My ex did exactly this: he was cheated on by his ex-wife. Then, despite all protestations that he would never cheat on anyone because he knows how it feels, he cheated on me.

 

Is this a conscious or unconscious thing? Do they grow and change after they've exacted their 'revenge' on the universe?

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Trialbyfire
Holy crap. My ex did exactly this: he was cheated on by his ex-wife. Then, despite all protestations that he would never cheat on anyone because he knows how it feels, he cheated on me.

 

Is this a conscious or unconscious thing? Do they grow and change after they've exacted their 'revenge' on the universe?

I don't know. The only way someone can change is to realize they have a problem they need to work on. Most people aren't self-aware or if they are, can justify almost anything.

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