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How long does it take to heal from being cheated on?


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Old 2nd June 2008, 12:56 PM   #1
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How long does it take to heal from being cheated on?

I know the answer is...it depends on the person...

But I'm just looking for other people's experiences in this dept.

I've never been cheated on before and I have never cheated.

It's been a year since the breakup and I still find myself angry(sometimes...not all the time now) over the cheating. I try not to think about it or dwell on it too much but sometimes it just hits me and I replay it in my mind. It gets me upset.


For the most part I am doing alright...having fun and enjoying the summer.

Anyone have experience in this...on getting over being cheated on and how long it took?
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Old 2nd June 2008, 1:13 PM   #2
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It's been a month since I found out (almost exactly, it was the 4th of May I think).

Anger...no. Disappointment, yes. Pain, yes. But...it's more about being lied on than being cheated on. And since I didn't behave good when I found out, part of me wonders if I drove him away even further. If I hadn't been so crazy, maybe we could have been friends.

Will I ever recover from the pain? Yes. In a way, I will. But the scar will always be there. And I will never trust as blindly as I did in this relationship. Which I regret, because I was feeling good about not being jealous. And it is bad that this is a side I can never show to anybody else. It died with him.

Maybe it depends on the kind of cheating, and how both people behaved on D-Day.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 1:27 PM   #3
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I decided to stay that time and it took me about 2-3 years to let it go. She really worked hard to rebuild things and was deeply ashamed at what she did. I never, not even once held it over her head.

On the bright side though it get easier to deal with every time it happens
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Old 2nd June 2008, 1:35 PM   #4
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It took about 6 months, serious payback and some therapy to work through the anger. The last 1% took about another 6 months.

I will never forgive the action or trust blindly again, but then, blind trust isn't a good way to live life. I did forgive the person, in that the last time we spoke, he was still getting therapy to help with his disorder. For many, they don't bother working on themselves and never accept full responsibility for their actions.

Having said that I forgive him, doesn't mean I want someone like this in my life. As it stands, he's out of it completely. I reject and eject negative influences in my life.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 1:39 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nevermind View Post
It's been a month since I found out (almost exactly, it was the 4th of May I think).

Anger...no. Disappointment, yes. Pain, yes. But...it's more about being lied on than being cheated on. And since I didn't behave good when I found out, part of me wonders if I drove him away even further. If I hadn't been so crazy, maybe we could have been friends.

Will I ever recover from the pain? Yes. In a way, I will. But the scar will always be there. And I will never trust as blindly as I did in this relationship. Which I regret, because I was feeling good about not being jealous. And it is bad that this is a side I can never show to anybody else. It died with him.

Maybe it depends on the kind of cheating, and how both people behaved on D-Day.
I'm a lot like NM. Was dumped a month ago and foudn out he had cheated about 2 weeks ago (feels like an eternity ago at this point!). I completely trusted him - I'm not a jealous person and I never once imagined he would lie to and betray me, especially since his ex-wife cheated on him.

So I don't know how long it will take to recover. In some ways it's easier than the breakups where nothing really went wrong but the guy just didn't want to be with me. (In such cases, it's harder to get to the place of accepting he wasn't right for me.) With cheating involved, it's very very clear that this ex's character SUCKS. However, there is a whole different "coming to terms" process involved with cheating - reconciling the person you thought they were with the person they actually turned out to be. I really thought the world of him and still sometimes struggle to believe he's such a scared, weak man of dubious character. It's also hard to make sense of the lies, betrayal, and the sense that he just didn't respect me nearly as much as I thought or as much as I respected him.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 1:53 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by serendip View Post
I know the answer is...it depends on the person...

But I'm just looking for other people's experiences in this dept.

I've never been cheated on before and I have never cheated.

It's been a year since the breakup and I still find myself angry(sometimes...not all the time now) over the cheating. I try not to think about it or dwell on it too much but sometimes it just hits me and I replay it in my mind. It gets me upset.


For the most part I am doing alright...having fun and enjoying the summer.

Anyone have experience in this...on getting over being cheated on and how long it took?
If I was still married, I still wouldn't be healed. Only way, in my opinion, to COMPLETELY heal from being cheated on is to get rid of the cheater.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 2:15 PM   #7
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For many, they don't bother working on themselves and never accept full responsibility for their actions.

I think that's where my anger lies.

At times she acts as if she didn't cheat...or doesn't know she cheated...

-for example 'wondering why there was so much drama during our breakup' (this was in feb 2008...10 mths after- it's b/c she cheated- of course that creates drama)

Other times she knows she cheated but then gives excuses/justifications...

examples

-she couldn't help herself b/c she was so attracted to the other guy (my personal fave)
-The LDR was too hard on her and there were too many guys (I had to remind her she cheated before and during the LDR)

And other times she realizes what she really did...and said what she did was horrible and how she sabotaged the relationship

She still to this day doesn't understand why she did it(she kept telling how she wanted to marry me and never felt more loved and secured)


So I suppose this is what keeps me stuck in this phase...she flip flops back and forth btwn not knowing she cheated(base on her words and actions) to feeling super guilty about it. So I just severed all ties with her (NC for 2 complete months and ignore her last attempt at contact). If she had just apologized and not made excuses...I would have forgiven her along time ago.

I try not to focus on it but sometimes it hits me and I still get angry over her cheating and her actions afterwards(flip flopping, excuses...etc). I wonder how long it's going to take for me to heal. I'm trying to focus on my life and I am for the most part doing alright.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 2:18 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by serendip View Post
I think that's where my anger lies.

At times she acts as if she didn't cheat...or doesn't know she cheat...

-for example 'wondering why there was so much drama during our breakup' (it's b/c she cheated- of course that creates drama)

Other times she knows she cheated but then gives excuses/justifications...

examples

-she couldn't help herself b/c she was so attracted to the other guy (my personal fave)
-The LDR was too hard on her and there were too many guys (I had to remind her she cheated before and during the LDR)

And other times she realizes what she really did...and said what she did was horrible and how she sabotaged the relationship

She still to this day doesn't understand why she did it(she kept telling how she wanted to marry me and never felt more loved and secured)


So I suppose this is what keeps me stuck in this phase...she flip flops back and forth btwn not knowing she cheated(base on her words and actions) to feeling super guilty about it. So I just severed all ties with her (NC for 2 complete months and ignore her last attempt at contact). If she had just apologized and not made excuses...I would have forgiven her along time ago.

I try not to focus on it but sometimes it hits me and I still get angry over her cheating and her actions afterwards(flip flopping, excuses...etc). I wonder how long it's going to take for me to heal. I'm trying to focus on my life and I am for the most part doing alright.
This is someone to eject out of your life, with full force. I have a spring-loaded chair I use especially for this type of self-justifier. On max load, it ensures they face-plant while bouncing, numerous times.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 2:47 PM   #9
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I can say that without a doubt, that the best way to get over the person who cheated on you is to let that person go. I don't think trust ever recovers in a situation like that- making it extremely difficult to get back to a healthy relationship.

My ex husband cheated on my after almost 9 years together. I did not have the inclination to stay with him- even though I loved him. I just knew that I would never be able to have a trusting relationship after that- so I left.

I am over the man that did this to me- even forgave him and wish him the best. I am NOT over the trauma the cheating caused though. I have had much difficulty trusting people since that happened.

So in my opinion, I think getting over the person is actually easier then getting over the situation of being cheated on. It affects your self esteem, makes you question yourself- exaggerates your insecurities... and that is something you can internalize forever if you aren't diligent in working through it.

So, getting over the person is sometimes the easy part... it's the residual memories of what that pain caused you that can have lasting effects.
As soon as I get close to someone- I start remembering that being vulnerable puts me in a position where I could experience that pain again- thathas led to lots of sabotaging and short lived meaningless relationships.

It's been 5 years for me... And I still am reluctant to open myself up to anyone.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 3:59 PM   #10
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Oh yea,

What D said.

The damage that causes is so ugly. Sure you get over the person, but at the cost of being painfully aware and very slow to invest.

Unfortunately in my case some old demons are attempting to reinsert themselves in my life again and it really just ...puts me off. They seem to be immune to my eject button.

Time for a hammer.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 4:06 PM   #11
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unders, sometimes duct tape works better. Start at the top of the head, ensuring it's airtight.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 4:08 PM   #12
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unders, sometimes duct tape works better. Start at the top of the head, ensuring it's airtight.
That takes too long.

I am plotting.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 4:10 PM   #13
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That takes too long.

I am plotting.
He must have a fat head.
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Old 2nd June 2008, 4:14 PM   #14
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It took about 6 months, serious payback and some therapy to work through the anger. The last 1% took about another 6 months.
I'm curious what you meant by "serious payback" TBF...
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Old 2nd June 2008, 4:22 PM   #15
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I'm curious what you meant by "serious payback" TBF...
If you're wondering if I revenge cheated, no I would never do that. All I did was to lead the OW to believe I would tell her husband. Her CYA actions of confession to her husband, caused the breakup to her marriage. Her husband contacted me and I provided him all the information I got from my PI, to him. Last I heard, they were in a messy divorce with a fierce custody battle over their son.

The OW also repayed my ex, by blowing the whistle on him for breaking non-frat rules. He almost lost his job as an Executive Vice-president, but managed to save it through excellent legal counsel.
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