Red Flags!!

[Jmina]

Probably her breaking up with me 3 months into our relationship was a massive red flag, however she said it didnt feel right to be apart and wanted to try again...

 

a year later, she felt pushed into it because i was so distraught.

 

I was so completely niave, i had no clue to how relationships, love, first loves work AT ALL.

 

there are other red flags all over the place, but i dont remember what they are, i just remember how i felt. i remember feeling really unsure, and uneasy about where i stood with her, like everynight i would feel this burning ache or grab in my chest of rejection. - i felt rejected a lot.

 

she was a VERY good hider of emotions though as she really hid so much of her feelings.

 

i justify it all by telling myself that she really did love me, which i 100% believe as she treated me like a princess, like her own blood, really was something special, but at the same time she had this other calling and i was not to fit.

 

im not sure why a year later i am still walking a path of wonder and sadness about it all. - not miserable, just a little tug of sadness.

 

im still holding on that little bit.

 

a friend said i loved her so much and she meant so much to me that its just going to take time .

 

time is what i expect.

[mistie03]

The red flags were there all along. I was so smitten with him that I either misinterpreted them or rationalized them because I didn't want them to be what they really were.

 

1. His name should have been Houdini because from the start it was now you see me, now you don't. (I told myself that he wanted to take things slow)

 

2. Constantly scrutinized women and made a lot of negative remarks (even about women I think are beautiful eg. said that JLo and Celine Dion had fat butts)

 

3. Had one brief marriage and had been single for a LONG time.

 

4. Had a vasectomy so that he would never have kids. Told me that one girl he dated briefly had tried to tell him she was pregnant and he delighted in telling her that it couldn't be his because he had been snipped. (that seems deceptive to me. I wondered why he wasn't upfront with her to begin with instead of making it a trap).

 

5. Told me things that didn't add up. It was usually things that had to do with him disappearing. He always had a flimsy excuse that revolved around some kind of emergency or malfunctioning/lost cell phone.

 

6. Always seemed to have one foot out the door, but at the same time would give me crumbs that left me hungry for more. (I should have known that there was never going to be more).

 

7. Avoided introducing me to his brother saying that he was an idiot. (I think he had a secret life of some sort and was afraid that his brother would slip up and expose him).

 

8. Made mean remarks about fat people. (To me, that is just mean-spirited. I am slender, but I just didn't get the hateful remarks. It showed no compassion for other people and was a huge red flag because he did show a lack of compassion for others in general).

 

9. Very self-centered.

 

10. Very defensive. Especially about things that seemed ridiculous that he would take offense to.

 

11. Very cynical and judgemental.

 

12. Terrible kisser.

 

13. Wasn't very good in bed, but I hoped it would get better. He expected sexual favors that he rarely reciprocated.

 

I let all of the above red flags slide because he is super hot and funny. He also did a lot of work on my house, car, and all of my yardwork (I felt like he was taking care of me). I also loved that he didn't have kids. I felt super turned on when touched him - almost like an electricity that ran through my body. He can also be damn funny.

[kizik]

Kizik, it is very very hard to look at your own contributions sometimes. At first I thought I did everything right with this one.

 

But now I see that I compromised myself. I accepted too little. I didn't speak up for, or really acknowledge, my own needs. In short, I kept myself in a relationship that I should have left, that I should have recognized as not right for me. But I wanted it to work so much, and I loved the things that DID work enough that it kept me hanging in there, being open, generous, kind, caring toward him even when it wasn't reciprocated at the same level. >

 

Yep, that was me. Thanks for verbalizing it so well. I was a f*cking p*ssy who was scared of losing the relationship! Please LAUGH at me b/c I was the stereotypical p*ssywhipped, controlled guy.

 

BTW, I've been on this site 3 weeks and still can't figure out how to quote sections of people's posts! A little help?

[Nevermind]

 

BTW, I've been on this site 3 weeks and still can't figure out how to quote sections of people's posts! A little help?

 

You click the "Quote" button under the post you want to comment on, if you want to comment on various posts, you'll therefore have to open various windows. Once you clicked quote, the entire post is quoted. If you want to select something out of it, just delete the rest. Make sure never delete the "

" at the end. Which I guess, you deleted by accident.

[Nevermind]

*sexually explicit post*

 

While we were living together, I once experienced a period of being "dry", even though I was aroused, I couldn't get moist. So we bought a gel.

 

Once, before he went home for a week, he woke me up, he touched me, realized that I was as dry as it gets, put some gel on me, put a condom on, and ****ed me. I was not aroused, I was not prepared. I just lay there. He used me.

 

It hurt. Both physically and mentally. I actually thought he would stop once he realized that I wasn't moving or moaning. But he didn't.

 

I was angry, and he was angry about me being angry. Shortly before he left he told me that he wouldn't let me treat him like this. So I told him what happened. (We were in a public place, but nobody around us. It was a couple of hours later.)

 

He didn't say a thing. And later he went home, and when he came back we didn't speak about it again.

 

It wasn't rape, I know. We were in a relationship, and I didn't say no. But I should have realized that he just used me. I didn't. I thought it was because he just needed to feel good before going home (his cousin was dying of cancer) and that he wouldn't have done it had he realized that I wasn't willing.

 

But honestly, it was really early. He woke me up. He didn't say a word. He just did it. He never apologized.

 

I think he lost respect for me after that. Because I allowed him to walk all over me.

 

I had forgotten about it, or I think I made myself forget. It came to my mind just today.

[borelandkaren]

That was my whole sex life with my ex. Foreplay was "u awake?" If I wasn't, too bad. He took what he wanted, when he wanted and I don't care if you think it was rape or not. Any unwanted attention sexually is defined as rape. Just don't try to report it because no-one listens.

[sultry33]

red flags i ignored was

him slowly moving his stuff out.. yeah is a big one i know but we was planning on moving so he said he was moving his stuff so i didnt have to worry.. yep i was a dumb ass i believed everything he told me..

 

his lack of interest in moving seeing houses.. although i did confront him.. he said i was being silly..

 

his shoulder shrug.. will never forget that

when i said wth im working an its a friday night we should be out ..

he said he liked staying in.. liked being in with me watching telly blar blar bull ****..

we went out that night.. he then explained he had little money so didnt wanbt to use it.. was saving to leave me u see..

 

he left the following night:o

 

the call from his dad.. on the sat morning.. checking if he was ok?

i said he is snoring his head off... i was the last to know you see

 

so yeah i think i ignored the red flags;)

[Nevermind]

barelandkaren: After that, there was no foreplay either. I don't know. It hurt. It hurt a couple of times, but I thought it was me..

Always so many excuses...did he really rape me? The rape attempt I suffered years ago was much worse, this time it was not so much trauma. Just...emptiness.

 

The same happened to you? Why did you stay?

[CaliGuy]

Ok so we all have seen them early on in our relationships right? But we tend to ignore them thinking that maybe we can overlook or change them!

 

So with that being said what were the red flags that your ex threw up that you ignored?

 

This is an excellent thread. I imagine if we all think back we can find MANY red flags.

 

The question I pose is, now that you know to look for red flags, what are you going to do differently? And how will this negatively impact your next serious relationship?

 

It hasn't effected any of mine in a negative way yet. Dates are fun, relaxed and no pressure. I see red flags, I heed them and move on. The best part is it's whittled down the choices to women that I know are much better suited for me.

[borelandkaren]

barelandkaren: After that, there was no foreplay either. I don't know. It hurt. It hurt a couple of times, but I thought it was me..

Always so many excuses...did he really rape me? The rape attempt I suffered years ago was much worse, this time it was not so much trauma. Just...emptiness.

 

The same happened to you? Why did you stay?

 

That's probably the only question I can't answer, darl. Look, I think we all look at things subjectively. U know how u felt in your heart after this happened. My partner (?) made me have sex with him anywhere up to 5 times a day every day if I didn't have my period. And I was never ready. Why did I let him. I thought that we were in a honeymoon stage for the first 6 months and then by the time I spoke up, it was too late. He is a sex addict and N.

I do believe now that I was raped for 5 1/2 years. Why did I stay? I had everything, mind, body and soul invested in this relationship and kept looking at the physical things I had to lose if I left. I was also addicted to marijuana (which he fuelled so that I wouldn't leave) so there were lots of things. I'm gone now though and the healing is beginning to take effect. I learned lots of different skills while he and I were together, not least of all survival and I'm still alive, so while there's life there's hope.

[Nevermind]

It wasn't rape. Had I yelled and fought him he would have stopped. As it was, he simply ab-used me, I was a breathing sex doll at that moment. And I was too busy putting all the blame on me to realize that this, at the very least, was the moment I should have walked. But it wasn't rape. Abuse is more fitting. And it's my fault, too.

 

Thank you for sharing something so private. It must not be easy to talk about it. karen, how did you start the healing? How did you finally cut the string and got free?

[borelandkaren]

It wasn't rape. Had I yelled and fought him he would have stopped. As it was, he simply ab-used me, I was a breathing sex doll at that moment. And I was too busy putting all the blame on me to realize that this, at the very least, was the moment I should have walked. But it wasn't rape. Abuse is more fitting. And it's my fault, too.

 

Thank you for sharing something so private. It must not be easy to talk about it. karen, how did you start the healing? How did you finally cut the string and got free?

 

I understand what you are saying and that's why I said it's a subjective thing. And don't beat yourself up. We can all be guilty of staying for all of the wrong reasons because we want to think that things will get better. And sometimes the wrong reasons are the right ones at the time.

How did I get free? I made a choice. I'd been kicked out and gone back so many times and I think that it finally came down to dignity. And I still had some left. This man (for want of a better word) would have been my end if I had allowed it and I'm far too strong for that. I like living and with him I was only existing. Now I'm on my way.

[teejsd2008]

Just off the top of my head.....

 

When I was just getting to know her:

 

1) She didn't have a ride home after a party and called up a booty call for a ride and slept with him.

 

2) A guy that's been flirting with her shared a bed with her and he didn't make a move to sleep with her, but she told me later that she felt like sleeping with him next time she sees himto validate that he likes her eventhough shes not that interested in him

 

3) Really risque myspace profile w/ pics with articles about rough sex

 

4) I met her while she was on a date with another guy that was interested in her, and I cock blocked him easily. You don't stop to think about the other guy until you realize u were both inconsiderate.

 

----(While Dating)

 

4) Very quick to cry and get emotional over little things, she would sit on the floor, cross her arms, kick her feet, and yell if she wasn't getting her way

 

5) She told me she was beaten up by her dad as a kid, molested by an uncle, and date raped at age 21 for her 1st time having sex (baggage and issues that she never sought help for)

 

6) We had sex on the 2nd date and I was her 8th guy in 2 years of sexual activity

 

7) She never had a long term serious realationship before me, the longest before me was 3 months. A lot of the other guys were booty calls, and one guy was cheating on his gf to hookup with her, and then he dumped my ex and acted as if she never existed when his gf got suspicious (this could have traumatized her more in addition to #5).

 

8) In public she points out physical flaws of other people, not all the time but enough where it becomes a drag

 

9) Immature, closed minded

 

10) She was from out of town and didn't have much friends (so she depended on me a lot)

 

11) Super OCD

 

12) She read my private journal

 

13) A lot of big fights

 

14) My boss who is a mentor & close friend called me once to reprimand me for projects I fell behind on. She my ex emailed her and told her not to be hard on me. My ex also accused me of secretly being in love with her (insecure).

 

15) She rarely has anything nice to say about any of my friends

 

(After break up: she ended it)

 

16. She rejected 2 attempts to get back which is fine, but she got my email password some how and was reading all my emails/gchats durring my NC period.

 

17. She read all my personal gripes, moaning, and cursing her down, and my fantasy of hooking up with other chicks while dating

 

18. Because she was hurt by reading those things she tried to bait me into contacting her so she can give me a rejection voice mail line to call, that didn't work so she lied about a fake engagement to hurt me. Because I was stupid, I contacted her to try to make some sense out of all of this and she hurt me more by sending me photos of her and another guy (who is probably just a friend).

 

 

---------

 

Wow, typing all this out shows me why I need to maintain NC and be thankful that I have an oppourtunity to be single again and that there is a new healthy realationship out there to look forward to, sometimes I start to slip and overlook this list and want to break NC. I don't get why that happens, pretty stupid when I actually think about it.

[LikeCharlotte]

Wow, typing all this out shows me why I need to maintain NC and be thankful that I have an opportunity to be single again and that there is a new healthy relationship out there to look forward to, sometimes I start to slip and overlook this list and want to break NC. I don't get why that happens, pretty stupid when I actually think about it.

Stories like yours make me wonder how in hell I am single. Listen, I've had a rough life and I am a solid woman despite it. I'm not perfect but I don't behave like that. There is no excuse to not do your best to be a good and strong person every day. It's women like that that ruin it for the rest of us. You'll find someone else.

[Exl]

Huh.. Red flags. I did notice them early on. Decided to try to work them out and make all good again. Quit after one year, completely broken down and exhausted.

 

1) The distance. That is a typical red flag. Even if it's on and off when you notice it, there's trouble.

 

2) The lack of sexual interest. She was never a very sexual person, which didn't botter me much even though I am (I'm a guy, anyway) because I was happy with her. But when she started to actively avoid it or and even on one occasion we were at it and she was simply "not there" looking sad and miserable, then it REALLY hit me. Was a hard night for me that one.

 

3) Trying to force spaces, unreasonably that is. One-sidedly deciding things that would affect us both (on TOO short notice), making me feel bad when I was where she started not to want me...

 

4) The passive ways to make one feel bad about even the stupidest things (or even inexistent, at some point). No matter if it was being a couple of minutes late (when she'd usually be 20+) or because i decided to spend 10 bucks on a CD. This is one of the worse. It's the silent killer. Because to be honest, she never had anything to complain about, so she started with little things and escalated to anything that would even remotely look like something.

 

5) Making life suddenly or gradually "private". She started making many of the quadrants in her life a "mystery" and made it look like I hadn't even the right to ask about anything within those "lines". She wouldn't want me around when going out with friends. Eventually it escalated to a lot of other things too.

 

6) Not dressing nice for you anymore. This one is a big one. Especially if it contrasts a lot with the person itself (someone who likes to look good) or when in comparable situation with or without you (like dressing old jeans to go out with you while getting dressed to kill when going out alone with friends).

 

7) Making you, at any level, a slapstick. When you start getting change for everything that goes wrong on her life to the point there is no space for real conversation or activities anymore. Being so pissed off at life you'd take it as well, to some extent.

 

8) Dishonesty, even if on small things. This breaks your trust on them little by little, even if it's meaningless things. It will eventually escalate to bigger and bigger things. Dishonesty and lies shouldn't be tolerated at any level.

 

9) The lack of affection. This is a big one. Sometimes they just don't feel like cuddling up, that's fine. But when it becomes too regular and especially when they start making excuses for it... It's a real red flag.

 

10) Keeping it all to oneself. She kept everything to herself to a point where she would eventually blow up, even though it only happened once and while she was really drunk. You can feel the pressure and the anger lingering under their skin and no matter how comprehensive and willing to REALLY listen and reach a commitment to whatever is troubling them, they won't let it out. It can mean, some times, they don't want to compromise at all so they won't even try it.

 

11) Making excuses. Being chronically late. This one says it all. When your life (of lack of) starts being permanently flooded by a million (obvious) blank excuses... Ain't good. Honest apologies are different, because they usually include any kind of compensation and are therefore genuine (even if it's just a little extra cuddling later on). Excuses are just excuses and it's disrespectful.

 

12) One sided relationships. There is a balance. Or there should be one. When the balance starts tilting one way, unless one is totally blind, you will feel it. And you should avoid it. Always keeping the balance is critical. No one should have a upper hand on a relationship while other sucks up for it.

 

13) Unwillingness or uninterest to try to work things out. After a fight, or an honest talk, feeling that any "changes" are only there for you to see and then, as soon as you close your eyes again, everything going back to the same.

 

14) Intolerance. When you start feeling pressured for all your little flaws and even being forced into handpicked decisions that are obviously not confortable with and they know it.

 

15) Emotional violence. Childish fits, manipulation (active or passive), passive anger...

 

16) When you tell or make it obvious you love someone and they no longer tell you the same back or do it in an apparently pressured or uninterested way.

 

And this list could go on forever...

[orangesean]

I probably set off a lot more red flags with her... but well, here it goes:

 

1)She never tended to have any of her own hobbies and seemed to treasure watching TV

 

2)Seemed to have a long history of guys already for someone who was 17, probably shouldn't have got bothered by that though

 

3)Said she was okay with me looking at porn and masturbating early on, but changed her mind within 4 months, stupidly I tried to contain myself for a month or two, but it was a no go. For this reason alone, she's told me many times she couldn't be with me anymore. I felt it was unfair, but that's another male/female debate.

 

4)I told her I loved her first within maybe two or three months, and she didn't say it back. I decided to go home out of shame, and then she begged me to stay. Later she told me she loved me in the evening and became pretty overbearing with saying it the next several weeks. I guess I should be happy, but it always felt forced for a while.

 

5)She started to get super clingy to where she was calling me nonstop at work and home, not letting me take a breather. She wanted to hang out almost everyday and would get mad if I slept for too long. She had to be on the phone with me even if we weren't really saying much. After a while I couldn't bear the suffocation and she started threatening to leave me or just decided to cut herself just because I didn't want to go to her house one day. I tried so hard not to be mean about it, but it was like I was caught in a whirlwind of her pushing and pulling.

 

6) Never good at initiating much of anything. Sex was mostly about her for the longest time, and she was very awkward at making conversation. It was really hard to have one of those two to three hour energized talks I sometimes tend to have with my friends.

 

These are actually all very nitpicky and I should have probably been more grateful. Especially after reading lists from everyone else. I'm sure if she wrote the list it would be tons and tons of points. I tend/tended to be really difficult and it's tough for me to change. I hope I can fix it for the most part one day so I don't push people away so much anymore.

[Sunset_Cowgirl]

Bare in mind he was an OTR driver at the time we met.

 

1. We talked for 3 weeks, saw each other for 2 after that then he told me he loved me.

 

2. Found out he was on a married but looking site shortly before he left his last wife & was active on alot more when we met.

 

3. He is a HUGE flirt. Would do it in front of me but always acknowledged that I was his s/o and flirted with me too.

 

4. Found out about him talking to & meeting other chics in the first few months we were dating & when I confronted him about it insisted on getting engaged & moving in together to prove his love for me.

 

5. his best friends telling me "Good luck. You picked him."

 

Sheesh! I must be really dumb! All that, plus the betrayal & break up, and yet 10 months later even though I am doing ok without him I still miss the little crapper & love him to boot...

 

Go figure!

[orangehose]

- impulsive, radical shifts in opinions over short periods of time

- had a temper, easily upset / sensitive

- paranoid, insecure

- objectifying attitude towards women

- had a history of walking out on people and never looking back

[JackhammerGemma]

1. He had two MySpace accounts. One of them only Tom as a friend. I believe he used that one to talk to girls and the other one was his regular page with his friends and family. Has a membership to an adult dating site (which he did join 2 years prior to meeting me but still-get rid of it already, geez!)

 

2. History of dating married women and cheating on long term girlfriends with said women (but benevolent me had to give him the benefit of the doubt in the name of not judging since I'm no angel)

 

3. Periods of being unable to communicate with him (was passed out from drinking I found.)

 

4. Always locking his phone and taking it with him EVERYWHERE.

 

5. At work he would disappear from his desk for long periods (how long can you possibly stay in the bathroom for half an hour a pop.)

 

And so on.... wow, I feel really stupid now.

[notgoodatthis]

Ok so we all have seen them early on in our relationships right? But we tend to ignore them thinking that maybe we can overlook or change them!

 

So with that being said what were the red flags that your ex threw up that you ignored?

 

My ex had a few big ones. First of all, she was molested by her father when she was young. Her father also went on trial for molesting her sisters. Her mom had her when she was 14 and has been married 3 times.

 

She ended up going on a cruise, ****ing some guy, dumping me for him and finding out she got herpes. Real piece of work. Please pay attention to the red flags!