Severe depression

[lonelyone]

I'm 37, haven't had a boyfriend since being in my thirties. Am very lonely. My counselor tells me not to rush into a relationship because my self esteem it too low. Plus at age 37 all the good guys are taken. The two guys I dated in my late twenties were jerks. I was afraid of depending on a guy so I went back to school and wasted my early and mid thirties on classes, and no dates. I don't really have any friends either, except for my sisters. My parents don't understand, and don't care. I was teased immensely in middle school, and am a shy, meek person who tries to make it in this world but is all alone. Even my mom tells me if I were married, I would always be afraid the guy was mad at me and it would probably end in divorce. I sometimes think of suicide. I have a heart condition, and I used to be angry but now I sometimes would welcome death by heart failure because it would get me out of these irreversable problems.

 

I don't socialize much, because everybody in the social setting is so much farther along with me - married, has a history of friendships, is not a loner like me. I don't choose to be a loner. It's just too painful to be around people, because it's like being out in a cold storm and looking in a window at the cozy fireside family inside.

 

The only exception is a community orchestra I play in. We socialize a little before and after rehearsal, but not much during, since we're playing our instruments. That's probably why I even am involved with it, because there's no high-pressure socializing. But I can't seem to meet any men in the orchestra. Is it enough? Or should I be socializing more than this? And if so, how do I deal with the pain of what I mentioned above - how it's like being in a cold storm and watching the happy family inside.

 

Should I make it a high priority to find a man? Or is my self esteem too low to hold down a marriage? And where would I meet him? Off the internet? Even if the marriage ended in divorce (like mom predicted), would it really be any worse than my agonizing lonliness right now?

[quankanne]

orchestra sounds promising, but don't limit yourself to your fellow musicians, but keep in mind those men who are music lovers!

 

Should I make it a high priority to find a man? Or is my self esteem too low to hold down a marriage? And where would I meet him? Off the internet? Even if the marriage ended in divorce (like mom predicted), would it really be any worse than my agonizing loneliness right now?

 

don't worry about finding a mate; instead work on learning to love yourself. People are attracted to others who are comfortable in their own skin, who make their flaws (real or imagined) work for them, at least in my experience. And because you're directly addressing the problem of low self-esteem, building that up will make a huge difference in your life, whether you're with a man or not.

 

where to meet guys ... nowadays, anywhere. where you work, where you play, where you shop, where you eat, where you go to church, where you go to school ... the possibilities are endless. But that doesn't amount to anything if you choose to hide behind your problems.

 

your mom might have felt she was being honest with you, but she's full of shxt. Yeah, some relationships can't handle the baggage partners bring, but there ARE still others that not only survive but blossom because both partners are willing to work at it. So don't forget that there are good men out there willing to help you grow in the right direction, okay?

[sedgwick]

I'm almost 37, and I'm single too. I was recently dumped by the guy I wanted to marry, the love of my life. But I'm dealing with it by doing what I love. Shortly after he dumped me, I left the country by myself for a month and a half. Before I left the States, I visited a high school friend and her husband and kids, and she kept saying, "You're so lucky to be able to travel by yourself. I can't imagine doing that." My cousin, age 38, married with three kids, said the same. Both my cousin and my friend have been married since their early 20s and became mothers in their mid-20s.

 

But they're all envious of me because I take advantage of my single-with-no-kids status to do things I love. I travel, I take dance and yoga classes, I write for three hours every morning in a coffeehouse while having a leisurely capuccino. I can do whatever I want, and when you fully embrace that, it's amazing. It teaches you who you are.

 

There is no reason for you to be meek. Who are you trying to shield from your presence and opinions? The whole world opens up when you refuse to apologize for existing. You absolutely should not focus on finding a man, you should focus on enjoying what the universe has given you. How many women our age get to do EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT without being tied down to a husband and kids? I can guarantee I've had experiences most women don't get to have. I'm lonely without a man too, but I'm very lucky to have my life. My brilliant, talented friends are crucial -- I suggest you do whatever you have to to find people who stimulate your brain and make you laugh.

[mistie03]

There is no reason for you to be meek. Who are you trying to shield from your presence and opinions? The whole world opens up when you refuse to apologize for existing. You absolutely should not focus on finding a man, you should focus on enjoying what the universe has given you. How many women our age get to do EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT without being tied down to a husband and kids? I can guarantee I've had experiences most women don't get to have. I'm lonely without a man too, but I'm very lucky to have my life. My brilliant, talented friends are crucial -- I suggest you do whatever you have to to find people who stimulate your brain and make you laugh.

I love your advice, Sedgwick.

 

((((Hugs to you Lonelyone)))) Don't let negative comments from other people hold you back. You deserve to be happy. Enjoy life!

[Always Wrong]

I'm 37, haven't had a boyfriend since being in my thirties. Am very lonely. My counselor tells me not to rush into a relationship because my self esteem it too low. Plus at age 37 all the good guys are taken. The two guys I dated in my late twenties were jerks. I was afraid of depending on a guy so I went back to school and wasted my early and mid thirties on classes, and no dates. I don't really have any friends either, except for my sisters. My parents don't understand, and don't care. I was teased immensely in middle school, and am a shy, meek person who tries to make it in this world but is all alone. Even my mom tells me if I were married, I would always be afraid the guy was mad at me and it would probably end in divorce. I sometimes think of suicide. I have a heart condition, and I used to be angry but now I sometimes would welcome death by heart failure because it would get me out of these irreversable problems.

 

I don't socialize much, because everybody in the social setting is so much farther along with me - married, has a history of friendships, is not a loner like me. I don't choose to be a loner. It's just too painful to be around people, because it's like being out in a cold storm and looking in a window at the cozy fireside family inside.

 

The only exception is a community orchestra I play in. We socialize a little before and after rehearsal, but not much during, since we're playing our instruments. That's probably why I even am involved with it, because there's no high-pressure socializing. But I can't seem to meet any men in the orchestra. Is it enough? Or should I be socializing more than this? And if so, how do I deal with the pain of what I mentioned above - how it's like being in a cold storm and watching the happy family inside.

 

Should I make it a high priority to find a man? Or is my self esteem too low to hold down a marriage? And where would I meet him? Off the internet? Even if the marriage ended in divorce (like mom predicted), would it really be any worse than my agonizing lonliness right now?

 

What instrument do you play lonelyone? Is it possible you could start a quartet? Performing for art shows, or other public venues not on the scale of an orchestra, is a great way to meet people. It goes without saying that you are talented. You couldn't land a spot in an orshestra if you weren't.

 

Heck, run an add for, say........ male chellist. second chair. organizing quartet to perform at formal events. must be single, formally trained, and capable of physically demanding venues.

 

Then hold auditions, tell the ones you don't like you'll get back to them.

Find one you like and cook him dinner!

[Always Wrong]

lonelyone, you mentioned your mom. The way you said it, "even my mom tells me if..."

Sweetie, don't let your mom invalidate you, the things you have done, the things you are planning to do, or anything else about you. My mom is exactly the same way. She is a very negative person, an invalidator, a real bummer, but only to me. Everyone else says she is so sweet! Bullsh*t! She is evil to me!

 

I am always wrong according to her, hence my moniker. I have returned to my home state to take care of her in her old age. Sweet Revenge! haha! I'm actually laughing right now, I'm not like that. After all of these years, I have returned, only to realized what she had done to me all of my life until I left for the military. At first I was angry, but soon the clouds parted, something touched me, and told me it's going to be ok.

[FLOWERYSTARS]

It may be better for you to live away from your parents, because it can be difficult to grow and move on from how you feel about yourself if you stay in the same circumstances.

It really is all a state of mind, but it can be much harder to change the mindstate in the same surroundings.

Do some positive affirmations every morning.

[lonelyone]

To all of you, thank you so much for your replies!

 

Segwick, I was moved to tears when reading your own experiences - I'm sorry the man treated you this way - definately HIS loss, but I know that's easier said than done. Your reply almost "gave me permission" to not worry myself about a man, at least at this point.

 

A lot of it is that I live in a small town, where everyone's married! Although when I lived in the city, I was pretty lonely too - didn't really even have any girlfriends. But I think now I'm done with school and my schedule's lightened up, I can get out there more.

 

I would love to spend three hours a day writing at a coffee shop, drinking a capuccino! In fact, Segwick, reading that about you was the point I was moved to tears. I wish I had more time for writing - It would help straighten out my thoughts. I would serve as therapy, possibly more effective than the counselor I see (plus a capuccino is much less expensive than a counseling session)!

[Haohmaru]

1. As a man, I can say firsthand that men are overrated.

2. We love you here. We are all coping!

3. Audentes fortuna iuvat!!!

[matt367]

Everythings been pretty much said but id like to throw something in. Just have fun you know? i know you hear it all the time but life is short get out there and be you and if someone doesnt like too bad they dont matter. If you go out there and be you and socialize even if you "dont want to" you will find men naturally just be yourself but more open and approachable!