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In dire need of support


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

 
 
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Old 11th January 2008, 4:20 PM   #1
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In dire need of support

Hello everyone,
I am a new member here and I would like to share what I'm going through. I met my ex-gf in June of this past year. I can still remember the morning I saw her in the campus bookstore. She was strikingly beautiful and being the confident one I once was, I made some sort of small talk. We ended up having a class together all summer long and we're study partners throughout the duration. We flirted back and forth but, I never really expected anything to come of it. After our final examination, I offered to buy her lunch and she accepted. From there on it only went up. We started dating around the end of July. When the rare moment occurred that we weren't together, we communicated through text messaging constantly. I fell in love with this girl, however she was the one who first told me that she loved me. It was a very intense moment to say the least. We were both best friends and lovers. We lived together for a couple months. I completely opened up to this girl, moreso than with any person in my life. She also confided in me. We talked about the future together and all the good things to come for us. Needless to say it didn't last for one reason or another. She never really said it was over. This was mid-november.

I gave her space and didn't try to call or text. Then a week before Christmas I called her and asked if I'd see her before Christmas in a reasonable manner, I wasn't being pushy or insistent. I just wanted to know. She said I was annoying her ( I hadn't spoke a word to her in a month) I was at a loss for words. I replied, Ok, I'll let you go in that case.
She text messaged me and said she would try to call me that night before she went out of town. I replied, it's ok just call when you can. I just would like to say I'm sorry and ask of your forgiveness. That was a week before Christmas and I haven't heard from her since. I assumed she was just busy with work and family matters. I was sadly mistaken. Someone emailed me a link to her newly acquired facebook page, where I saw a picture of her and another guy holding onto each other wearing new year's hats. At the exact moment, I lost every bit of emotional stability I had. I was mentally crippled and couldn't move. Since then, I have had hell with loss of appetite, sleeplessness, when I do sleep dreams about her then the agony of waking up and facing reality. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep now. School has started back and I feel so empty around campus and in class. I break-down and cry atleast once a day.

It just kills me that of all the things we experienced together and how close we were, She didn't even have enough consideration to tell me Goodbye. How can feelings that were that strong and true just vanish, like someone turning off a light???

This is the first time I have told anyone this. I don't want anyone knowing how bad of shape I am in. I made an appointment to see a Psychiatrist at the end of this month, If I can make it.
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Old 11th January 2008, 4:59 PM   #2
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Im sorry your going through this right now.

I know how you feel..
Its almost painful for me going to university now. Everywhere, theres memories of him. He used to always walk me to my bus stop to make sure I was okay when I had late night classes...
Even little things like seeing couples together, or hearing people speaking Italian(Hes Italian) are enough for me to breakdown and cry.
Its horrible!
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Old 11th January 2008, 5:01 PM   #3
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And look at it this way...Things can only get better from now on. Im assuming your at rockbottom at the moment(As I am).
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Old 11th January 2008, 5:16 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by forgotten01 View Post
Hello everyone,
I am a new member here and I would like to share what I'm going through. I met my ex-gf in June of this past year. I can still remember the morning I saw her in the campus bookstore. She was strikingly beautiful and being the confident one I once was, I made some sort of small talk. We ended up having a class together all summer long and we're study partners throughout the duration. We flirted back and forth but, I never really expected anything to come of it. After our final examination, I offered to buy her lunch and she accepted. From there on it only went up. We started dating around the end of July. When the rare moment occurred that we weren't together, we communicated through text messaging constantly. I fell in love with this girl, however she was the one who first told me that she loved me. It was a very intense moment to say the least. We were both best friends and lovers. We lived together for a couple months. I completely opened up to this girl, moreso than with any person in my life. She also confided in me. We talked about the future together and all the good things to come for us. Needless to say it didn't last for one reason or another. She never really said it was over. This was mid-november.

I gave her space and didn't try to call or text. Then a week before Christmas I called her and asked if I'd see her before Christmas in a reasonable manner, I wasn't being pushy or insistent. I just wanted to know. She said I was annoying her ( I hadn't spoke a word to her in a month) I was at a loss for words. I replied, Ok, I'll let you go in that case.
She text messaged me and said she would try to call me that night before she went out of town. I replied, it's ok just call when you can. I just would like to say I'm sorry and ask of your forgiveness. That was a week before Christmas and I haven't heard from her since. I assumed she was just busy with work and family matters. I was sadly mistaken. Someone emailed me a link to her newly acquired facebook page, where I saw a picture of her and another guy holding onto each other wearing new year's hats. At the exact moment, I lost every bit of emotional stability I had. I was mentally crippled and couldn't move. Since then, I have had hell with loss of appetite, sleeplessness, when I do sleep dreams about her then the agony of waking up and facing reality. I'm almost afraid to go to sleep now. School has started back and I feel so empty around campus and in class. I break-down and cry atleast once a day.

It just kills me that of all the things we experienced together and how close we were, She didn't even have enough consideration to tell me Goodbye. How can feelings that were that strong and true just vanish, like someone turning off a light???

This is the first time I have told anyone this. I don't want anyone knowing how bad of shape I am in. I made an appointment to see a Psychiatrist at the end of this month, If I can make it.
Your situation totally sucks, brother. But hang in there. It will get better. I don't know that I always give the best advice, but I recommend getting onto some dating websites and flirt with some hotties there. Maybe go out with some... Don't get serious, but if you know that there are other fish in the sea and experience it, then the depression and anxiety won't get so bad... And you will be occupying your time and your mind with productive things and social things... This will be good...

And if the anxiety gets too bad.... HOT SHOWER or bath... as hot as you can stand... If the depression gets too bad... GO FOR A RUN or hit the treadmill and run.... These things really help.

Things will get better... And don't go to her facebook page and be strong and go with No Contact (NC).

Hope this helps.
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Old 11th January 2008, 5:41 PM   #5
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Thanks for the support. I just can't fathom how someone can totally forget about another after having an close intimate relationship. But, I have pride and will not call her or text her no matter what. I'd rather die than for her to know she got the best of me. I just wish I could get back to being the single, happy guy that I used to be before I met her. I was reminded of a classic line of literature today, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved." I'm not so sure about that anymore.

Is it natural to fear a confrontation with her? I don't want to see her or her boyfriend. I just want to forget that it ever happened.
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Old 11th January 2008, 5:52 PM   #6
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Yes it is natural to fear a confrontation with her..
I would die if I saw my ex with another woman. Thats why Im sort of relieved that he doesnt live so close to where I live.
If i had to see him day in and day out, it would be harder for me..
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Old 11th January 2008, 5:56 PM   #7
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Hey man, I totally understand the pain your going through right now. Read these boards and stay in NC and it will only get better. Just be glad you didn't spend years in a relationship and now you have a better chance on finding the one that's totally for you. Keep your head up and keep posting.
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Old 11th January 2008, 6:02 PM   #8
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I am going home this weekend to be with my family. I have went home every weekend since. I feel comforted there in my parent's christian country home. Thank God for the ones who love us unconditionally. I just can't get the image out of my head of her smiling holding onto that guy. They looked so happy together. As if I had never existed. Does anyone know that feeling once you know for sure that your ex has found another. It is a devastating one. I was shaking violently and had to make myself breathe.
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Old 11th January 2008, 6:48 PM   #9
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Forgotten

I can feel your pain. A few months ago, I was in your shoes. The person who shared so many memories, whom I confided in so much and vice versa shut me out of his life like I never exsited. For weeks, I could not fanthom what happened, how it was possibe for someone I thought I knew well, to do this to me. I cant explain how I felt. I lost los of weight which unfortunately I have not gained back...Well, I have put some weight on, but I am still skinnier. I could not do anything. My heart would beat and I would feel like I was unbale to breathe, anytime I saw things related to him.


I have been where you are, and all I can say to you is, I know you think you will never feel better..But you will. You will get better and it will take time. Trust me. You need to take it a day at a time.

There is nothing you can do to escape the feelings of sadness, you need to live through it, its a phase that will fade away. You would not always be this way, on the receving end.

LS is a good place. I am not totally over him, I stil think about him etc,. however I am not depressed, sometimes I feel very happy, sometimes I feel sad..however its not severe. I am getting there...you will too.

As much as possible, occupy yourself with things. Anything at all. Eg, Instead of seating in your room for the next 2 weeks, engage in activities. Even if watching a movie, being around family. Family is great....At least they love us unconditionally!. You will get sad a lot, but try not to occupy your mind with the pic you saw. Try not to obsess about it, Its hard but try not to.


Post on LS, talk to your friends, talk to family, stay around people who truly care for you, engage yourself, let out emotions anytime you need to, ..breathe...anytime those horrible physical pains come, say to yourself..'You will get over this, You will not forever be on the receiving end'. You never know how tables can turn. Allow time to heal you, thats all you can do and try to put the above into practice


Once again, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It crushes my heart, to hear of people being treated this way. It will be well, with time. You will also emerge stronger....even if you dont believe it.

ps- NC all the way!

Keep in touch and have a great weekend.xxx
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Old 11th January 2008, 7:11 PM   #10
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Yeah, I know this pain all too well. But it dose not last forever. It will pass, believe that. You've gotten so much advice about how to get by in the meantime I won't bother repeating it. But you may need to be aware that this is just the beginning. There will be more phases of feelings to come. Stand strong and remember you are better than how you may feel.

You mentioned asking for her forgiveness. For what?
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Old 11th January 2008, 7:48 PM   #11
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Quote:
"Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved." I'm not so sure about that anymore.
Me neither, i wonder if the person who wrote this actually ever really loved?
__________________
Yesterday is yesterday, to try to recapture it - i will loose tomorrow.
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Old 11th January 2008, 8:27 PM   #12
 
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Originally Posted by watchconcierge View Post
And if the anxiety gets too bad.... HOT SHOWER or bath... as hot as you can stand...

I hate to hijack this thread but I am curious -- why do hot showers help anxiety? My ex used to do this every night (she was a highly anxious person) and I've taken to very hot showers on my back after the breakup.

Any clue?
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Old 11th January 2008, 8:31 PM   #13
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Perhaps the heat increases blood flow & pressure?
especially in the brain therefore releasing some sort of endorphins - much in the same way when you exercise and heat up the body releases "good feeling" endorphins???

Just a thought.
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Old 11th January 2008, 10:55 PM   #14
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Thanks to all you guys and girls for the tremendous support. The reason I said I wanted to ask for forgiveness was a reconciliation attempt. What really gets me is she used to literally blow my phone up, then she tells me she will call when she returns from her trip and then hasn't since. It just doesn't make sense. You think you know this person and they do a complete 180 on you.
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Old 11th January 2008, 11:49 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by forgotten01 View Post
Thanks to all you guys and girls for the tremendous support. The reason I said I wanted to ask for forgiveness was a reconciliation attempt. What really gets me is she used to literally blow my phone up, then she tells me she will call when she returns from her trip and then hasn't since. It just doesn't make sense. You think you know this person and they do a complete 180 on you.
Oh. So you didn't really do anything wrong? Well, in that case, her actions make a lot of sense. It's called being SELF-ABSORBED. See, she has something that matters more to her than all the love and warmth you could give her: Herself! She didnt change, she was always self-centered. She just showed it to you for the first time, that's all.
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