No contact.. does it get easier?

[k10k]

Been 3 weeks since the breakup, and 1 week (feels like 1 month) since last speaking to him. Time is going by really really slowly. I'm trying to be strong, trying to keep myself busy with work, made a list of what was wrong with the relationship, have been crying when I need to, chatting to friends and trying to remember that I won't feel like this forever.

 

But these past 2 days I've been feeling really rough, it seems like the longer I go with NC the more pain I feel, I guess because the longer we don't speak, the more it sinks in that things are actually over. It's hard cause I feel like half of me is missing. This was a 4.5 relationship. Before this, I had a 2 year relationship which was also hard at the time to get over, but this time round it feels twice as bad. Now I'm in my early 30's and all my friends are in happy relationships, married, having kids. I feel like a total failure and never imagined myself in this position - he was talking about marriage, having kids, and then all of a sudden he changed and became this totally different person.

 

Anyways.. was just wondering how NC helped all of you guys? When did it start getting easier for you? OR does it get harder?

[lexi29]

Your story sounds like mine unfortunately, my ex left 3 weeks ago, no warning. He was talking about getting engaged two weeks before he left me. Just changed his mind. he started dating someone else about a week after we split. Still hurts like h*ll. I'm not sure about anyone else but I think that no contact does get easier after awhile. I know the first week of no contact I sat around and just watched the phone, waited for it to ring. Wanted to call him all the time. I had to actually hide my cell phone so I wouldnt' call him. After two weeks I had an intense urge one morning to contact him and I sent him a text. Things were never resolved between us there really wasn't an explanation of why he left (other than his new woman and even that was up in the air because he cheated on her after two days) He actually called me (we hadn't talked for a week or so) and he said he was thinking about me a lot and wondered how I was and if I was dating anyone.

 

That phone call sent me back to the agony of week #1. I was missing him, crying, couldn't eat or sleep all over again. Its been another week (will be 7 days tomorrow) of no contact and I've considered calling him to see what he's doing but I won't because I dont want to start the pain all over again. For me, no contact is getting easier. Maybe because its sinking in that its over, he's not coming back and I need to move on. If we kept talking and he'd keep telling me he misses me and thinks about me (while he's in a new relationship!) it would just give me hope and I wouldnt' be able to get over him. I wish you luck.

[lexi29]

Wanted to add that I know exactly how you feel about your friends all being in relationships- I'll be 30 in two months and ALL of my friends are either married or living with someone. My sister and my 3 of my close friends just got married this summer, two of my already married friends just had their first kids recently, and I thought I was headed that way- my ex had an 8yr old son who adored me and vice versa and my ex brought up marriage twice in the month before he left me. I know its not my fault he's an idiot but I feel like a failure because all my friends are happy and secure in their relationships and I was just dumped out of nowhere. Hang in there, it does get easier!!

[angie16]

I FEEL ALL OF YOUR PAIN.

 

I am going through the same thing. I was unhappy after 2 years because we wern't engaged, never thought he would leave me, but he did, 2 months ago.

 

Its been horrible. I have personally been a NC failure. Think I've only gone 10 days at the longest. My kicker is that he isn't with anyone and still tells me he loves and misses me but...i guess not enough to get back with me.

 

The last time we spoke (2 days ago) it was for over an hour and just so nice -- i have relapsed to week 1. Been crying for about a day straight.

[sedgwick]

It's been almost 2 months of NC for me. What really helped was blocking his number and his email addresses. I just don't even want to know if he's trying to reach me or not. He's coming back into town on the day it will be 2 months (the 28th) after 3 months of touring. After much thought, I have decided not to unblock him. If he wants me back he'd have to work his ass off -- and I'm talking showing up on my doorstep with flowers, for a start. It makes me feel much stronger just not to know. It allows me to heal. I want to talk to him, but I don't. I don't want to look at his myspace page or his website or anything. Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt. He left me, that's it. He lost his chance.

 

It still sucks and I still cry but it is getting a little easier. It's been three months since the breakup and I still think of him every second of every day but at least I'm eating and sleeping and functioning again. He's already taking up enough of my energy; he doesn't get any more.

[BrianG]

I have to believe that it does get easier after time. Im almost 30 as well and everyone keeps telling me to hang out with friends, etc to keep my mind off of her. Well I go out with friends the night before my ex is supposed to pick up the rest of her things from our apartment and it was the most miserable night of my life. All my friends brought their girlfriends and wives and I didnt know they were going to be with them. So here i am the only single one looking at my friends and their SO all happy and cheeful and i feel like my heart is in my stomach. And what makes it the worst is Im the one that caused her to break up with me! I am such a immature, idiot (sorry guess i might be in the angry stage) My self-esteem and my heart are both crushed. I know we are never going to get back together, but its only been two days of NC and I cannot focus at work at all. I know i should give up hope, but I dont want to give up. boy this sucks, but i guess we all have to move on eventually

[Curious139]

Yes it does get easier. I'm 3 1/2 months on from the breakup and I still think of her every day. However the thoughts aren't 24/7 like they used to be and are more muted. Thank goodness the pain has receded to a dull ache and just a sense of loss.

 

My last contact was two weeks ago (her birthday - card and email) so in truth I watch my email every day hoping to hear from her. It probably isn't healthy but we are all human - hope springs eternal in the human breast. Nevertheless I'm at last able to get on with a relatively normal life and feel that NC is very important to allow ourselves to heal.

 

The changes in ourselves are subtle but be assured that you are healing. Allow yourself to grieve, it is completely valid and normal. However the less contact you have the sooner you'll start to feel better.

 

If it was meant to be, then it would be. Lifes course is unpredictable and there are good things ahead.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I find it goes in cycles.

 

At first, it was hard and I would e-mail him. But then, I set up one last appointment to exchange our stuff and when he got there, I couldn't wait for him to leave. I haven't seen him or spoken to him (or e-mailed him) since Oct 6.

 

For the first 2-3 weeks, it was easy. He left me for another woman and they are now living together, so the last thing I wanted to do was see him or talk to him. The very idea that I have to speak to him again (we are married) was something I didn't even want to think about.

 

This past weekend, though, it was hard again. I really started imagining what he was doing and started missing my old life, even though I know I wouldn't want to go back to it. I wasn't really tempted to break NC, but I just couldn't stop thinking about him.

 

I think it's different when you're married or still have "unfinished business" like getting the divorce. I know I eventually have to see him again, but I guess I'd rather do it now than later, which is why I finally set up a meeting with an attorney this week.

 

Hang in there - eventually it will get easier.

[Ormolu611]

Been 3 weeks since the breakup, and 1 week (feels like 1 month) since last speaking to him. Time is going by really really slowly. I'm trying to be strong, trying to keep myself busy with work, made a list of what was wrong with the relationship, have been crying when I need to, chatting to friends and trying to remember that I won't feel like this forever.

 

But these past 2 days I've been feeling really rough, it seems like the longer I go with NC the more pain I feel, I guess because the longer we don't speak, the more it sinks in that things are actually over. It's hard cause I feel like half of me is missing. This was a 4.5 relationship. Before this, I had a 2 year relationship which was also hard at the time to get over, but this time round it feels twice as bad. Now I'm in my early 30's and all my friends are in happy relationships, married, having kids. I feel like a total failure and never imagined myself in this position - he was talking about marriage, having kids, and then all of a sudden he changed and became this totally different person.

 

Anyways.. was just wondering how NC helped all of you guys? When did it start getting easier for you? OR does it get harder?

 

Well, for me, it only started to get significantly better about a month ago. My ex gf broke up with me...hmmm...8 months ago after nearly 10 years together. I had a very , very difficult time for most of that 8 month period. Lately though, I can honestly say that I have felt much better and no longer think of her when I wake in the morning or fall asleep at night.

 

I have been in near total no contact ever since she broke up with me and this point I think is very important. At first, I would occasionally look at her myspace and this would set me back. This was how I found out that she was dating someone 10 years younger than her (she is 32). I was angry and hurt, but eventually, I felt sad contempt for her. I did not feel anger or sadness or anything, just a sort of detached curiosity.

 

Now I have acheived a sort of relationship nirvanah in that I can see more clearly now than ever before. I wonder now why I fought so hard to be with her and know that now I would not want to be with her even if she came back begging. I am just not interested and I can see how she was not good for me. I never realized it while with her, but she did not inspire me . . . at all. I like to be inspired. All she would do if we stayed together is hold me back from experiencing life as I wish to experience it.

 

If they were right for you, they would still be with you. The challenge is that your heart screams over and over again that you need them and that what you had with them was so good . . . trust me, it wasn't.

[k10k]

Just wanted to share that I woke up this morning with another major urge to call him, but re-reading all of your posts really helps me get my focus back.. So thanks to all of you!

Sometimes we just need to stop and really think about what the call/contact is going to accomplish and although I desperately want to speak to him, it's just not going to change the situation and I will only end up feeling like crap!

[bigheartkindsoul]

In a word, yes NC does become easier, I believe it is a habit within us like biting nails etc but once you change that habit and it takes about 4wks to change a habit, then yes it is easier.

 

Just so you know I have been in total NC for about 12-14wks now, I stopped counting worrying about it along time ago. Broke up in July, contact for a couple of days after then total NC from me and also him.

 

It is possible but remain strong in the first few weeks. Do NC for yourself, spend yourtime worrying about yourself and doing things for yourself.

 

Good luck

 

x

[Bosiell]

I have done NC for a few weeks now. And although I have of course the urge to contact her, I have been strong and resisted The hardest thing to take now is the fact she is not attempting to contact me! Everytime I get a call or text I am so longing it to be her, tho deep down I know it wont be, I simply cant help it. Everyday that goes by I know the chance of her getting in touch are that bit slimmer, and I get that bit sadder.

 

I am simply goin to have to change my number, then I know then she can not contact me or text me. The not knowing if she has, has to be better than knowing she hasnt.

 

Sounds pretty defeatist I know, but thats way I feel today.

[k10k]

Everytime I get a call or text I am so longing it to be her, tho deep down I know it wont be, I simply cant help it. Everyday that goes by I know the chance of her getting in touch are that bit slimmer, and I get that bit sadder.

 

Yip, can totally relate to that one. Phone rings, I get a tiny glimmer of hope, grab my phone, and surprise surprise, it's not him, then I get sad and disappointed, its rediculous! And as you say, the chances get slimmer and the reality sinks in a little more each day.

It's hard for me to comprehend how you can spend almost 5 years with someone, living together, sharing everything and then all of a sudden not care or know how the other person is doing.

 

I don't have the strength to block him yet.. but it probably will be easier to just too not know, than rather know. double:sick: