Question for Longterm Copers

[uniqueone]

Is there anyone here that whose relationship has been over for awhile but has stopped posting about it because they feel like they HAD to?

 

What I mean is, do you feel like you had to stop posting otherwise people would just tell you to "get over it" or to "stop going on about it" or to "move on"....but yet you really felt like you needed to still talk about it?

[KittenMoon]

>whistles innocently<

[CaliGuy]

Is there anyone here that whose relationship has been over for awhile but has stopped posting about it because they feel like they HAD to?

 

What I mean is, do you feel like you had to stop posting otherwise people would just tell you to "get over it" or to "stop going on about it" or to "move on"....but yet you really felt like you needed to still talk about it?

 

Not because I had to, but because I finally learned to love and respect myself to the point where if someone chooses not to be with me, that's their loss, not mine

[johan]

Not because I had to, but because I finally learned to love and respect myself to the point where if someone chooses not to be with me, that's their loss, not mine

 

Good for you, Caliguy. You're an example to us all.

 

I've been through a few hard breakups, and I've realized that there is only so much you can say about them. More talking doesn't lead to more healing. I would talk as long as I felt it was doing me some good. After a while I have to face the fact that the problems I'm having are more with myself than with the breakup. Then the focus has to shift away from the breakup.

[uniqueone]

Good for you, Caliguy. You're an example to us all.

 

I've been through a few hard breakups, and I've realized that there is only so much you can say about them. More talking doesn't lead to more healing. I would talk as long as I felt it was doing me some good. After a while I have to face the fact that the problems I'm having are more with myself than with the breakup. Then the focus has to shift away from the breakup.

 

That might be that there's a shift but you should still be able to talk about it, shouldn't you?

[uniqueone]

Not because I had to, but because I finally learned to love and respect myself to the point where if someone chooses not to be with me, that's their loss, not mine

 

 

That's a coping mechanism. That doesn't mean you still don't have those feelings that you want to express. It means you're masking them so that you can go on. And that's good(!) because feeling hurts --but it still doesn't really make it go away.

[KittenMoon]

That might be that there's a shift but you should still be able to talk about it, shouldn't you?

 

I think one should have a right to say "I'm still angry, I'm still hurt, etc etc" no matter how long it's been. IMO, coming to terms with something means you also gotta be able to face the fact you still feel something towards the situation, in the even that you do. Not just covering it up, or acting another way towards it, just because a certain amount of time has passed.

[uniqueone]

I think one should have a right to say "I'm still angry, I'm still hurt, etc etc" no matter how long it's been. IMO, coming to terms with something means you also gotta be able to face the fact you still feel something towards the situation, in the even that you do. Not just covering it up, or acting another way towards it, just because a certain amount of time has passed.

 

I agree!!!!

[CaliGuy]

That's a coping mechanism. That doesn't mean you still don't have those feelings that you want to express. It means you're masking them so that you can go on. And that's good(!) because feeling hurts --but it still doesn't really make it go away.

 

Not with me it isn't. I was seeking the approval of others. In the process, I lost all my confidence and self-respect.

 

When I got it back, I realized what I had been doing.

 

A coping mechanism for me would have been to jump into another relationship, blindly, to fill a void I thought I was missing in my life. Instead, I took the right approach which was to fix my confidence and self-esteem and not worry about things I can't control anymore.

 

When that happened, life just made a complete about face and has been perfect ever since.

 

Maybe to you it's a coping mechanism. For me, it was freedom

[oppath]

I remember not posting in the second chances section, or the breakup section, when I realized "I wouldn't take this person back." On to coping. Eventually, I posted in the dating section, and I rarely look at the coping or break up sections.

 

I still have my days. I admit: I still feel USED, OBJECTIFIED, DENIGRATED, DECEIVED, BETRAYED, and INVISIBLE by my ex. There is anger there, and it will take more time for it to be gone completely. Moving on is a process. Have I moved on? Bring her up, and I feel pain. But in general, I don't see a big need to discuss it, other than to convey the feelings I capitalized above to people who inquire about it. I try to say "we just weren't right for each other" but people always want to know the story. Now I just tell them those words, and that I don't want to discuss it. I really don't.

 

was looking for approval at first too. I wanted validation of my feelings, and that my reaction to those feelings was ok. I realize now that I was seeking approval. All I had to do was tell people those feelings I capitalized, and they would have understood.

 

In the future, I am going to focus on FEELINGS, and rather than describe how I came to those feelings, I'm going to leave it at "this is how I feel." No-one can say "move on" if I say "this is how I feel." They can only tell me that if my feelings aren't clear. Move on = get some clarity. Accept she is a lying two timing cheating whore and that you weren't right for each other, THEN deal with the pain.

[marty]

Not with me it isn't. I was seeking the approval of others. In the process, I lost all my confidence and self-respect.

 

When I got it back, I realized what I had been doing.

 

A coping mechanism for me would have been to jump into another relationship, blindly, to fill a void I thought I was missing in my life. Instead, I took the right approach which was to fix my confidence and self-esteem and not worry about things I can't control anymore.

 

When that happened, life just made a complete about face and has been perfect ever since.

 

Maybe to you it's a coping mechanism. For me, it was freedom

 

i can only agree. i've been saying the same to myself also. that its her loss.

my normal coping mechanism was to try and jump into another relationship as quick as i could,, trying to hide that deep feeling of something missing.

 

this time its all about me. i've come to realise its how i feel about myself thats the most important thing to focus on. so i'm in the process of finding 'me', and working on building back my confidence and self esteem, and not looking for others to fill that empty space.

 

it aint easy,(especially just after my breakup). but nothing worth while ever is.

 

 

in relation to the OP,,it takes aslong as it takes. no one should ,or can, tell you when you should be over it. talk and write about it all aslong as its doing you good, and not holding you back in a state of continual mourning.

 

if what you're doing is moving your forward then continue,,, if its holding you back then stop.

[uniqueone]

 

 

in relation to the OP,,it takes aslong as it takes. no one should ,or can, tell you when you should be over it. talk and write about it all aslong as its doing you good, and not holding you back in a state of continual mourning.

 

if what you're doing is moving your forward then continue,,, if its holding you back then stop.

 

I stopped posting about it on here because of the very comments I mentioned in my first post. How can you keep talking about it when people won't let you?

 

I have been feeling especially bad about it lately--back to thinking it was my fault and that I lost a good thing.

[marty]

I stopped posting about it on here because of the very comments I mentioned in my first post. How can you keep talking about it when people won't let you?

 

I have been feeling especially bad about it lately--back to thinking it was my fault and that I lost a good thing.

 

well.... i'm listening:o

 

dont keep it in. i'm sure plenty of us still feel that about our ordeal from time to time. stop beating yourself up. it wont change a damn thing , other than make you feel like total crap.

 

the things we feel we should have done differently are the things that we did (or didnt) do for a reason. remember its how you felt at the time... and how you felt at the time relates also to how you were treated at that time by your partner.

 

if things were great, and you were getting everything you needed from him/her,, then you would have mirrored that back to them.

 

example:

 

i was in the middle of buying our house ,, lots of stress, doing it all myself, no help from her, not having a minute to think (one of the most stressful things you can do apparently). paperwork, phonecalls, meetings,, all the usual.

anyway, in the middle of it all, she wanted me to come to holland to see an anual navy fair in her home town.

to be really honest i didnt want to go,, i was up to my butt in buying the house,,,and really tired. but i booked a flight anyway

the night before i was due to fly out, she calls me in the middle of the night to tell me she just had a nightmare that my plane had crashed.!!!!

it was the straw that broke the camels back. i told her i wasnt coming to the fair,, i was stressed,, tired,,, and now worried about the flight.

 

i didnt go,, and it was near to us breaking up. we broke up within 2 weeks.

 

i've been saying to myself, "i should have gone over, i should have put her first,, bla bla bla",,for ages blaming myself totally..

 

but it was how i was feeling at the time. maybe thinking back it would have been nice for her to see that i was under pressure and took the time to understand my situation over her wants for a change.

 

sorry for the rant!!!

 

im just saying (other than cheating),it ALWAYS takes two. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!! and if it was such a GOOD THING, you'd still be together.

[Ormolu611]

Is there anyone here that whose relationship has been over for awhile but has stopped posting about it because they feel like they HAD to?

 

What I mean is, do you feel like you had to stop posting otherwise people would just tell you to "get over it" or to "stop going on about it" or to "move on"....but yet you really felt like you needed to still talk about it?

 

Well, here is my take on it. I have been doing much, much, better lately and I have just recently crossed the 7 month mark. 7 months since she left, and 7 months since any meaningful contact. This is after a 10 year relationship. Now don't get me wrong, I still have my moments. The bad feelings tend to come in waves I think. The last two weeks for instance have been the best so far, but for some reason, the last few days have seen me return to some negative thinking patterns. And so it goes, I think that this is completely normal. Do not worry about some artificial deadline.

 

I don't know if there is any advice that I can offer that has not been said on this site. There really is no magic answer unfortunately. This is a time to rebuild yourself as an individual and to ask yourself who you really are and who you want to be. This is your opportunity. The pain will probably continue for some time - I had almost gotten used to it - it had become a part of my routine almost. But it does get better.

 

It helps when you have something to look forward to. Do things that you have alway wanted to do - set goals for yourself. I have planned several trips for the upcoming year for instance. Talk if you need to talk. You obviously still feel the need to explore what happened because you are still looking for something...answers perhaps. Sometimes there are answers, but not always. The day will come when you will grow weary and no longer want to ask the questions, until then, ask away.

[serendip]

I find myself still having trouble coping...it's been 4 months. I guess what set me off was when she wrote me a email 3 weeks ago and I replied....then we continued to email back and forth for a bit. I was doing alright after 2 months of NC but now I'm back to square one...it seems. Like yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of when I first contacted her and we got together 2 months afterwards. I was fine yesterday...I cleaned my house and had someone over for dinner.

 

It was good...but today I feel like I have ants in my pants...and I keep thinking of the ex. Can't seem to concentrate and focus on anything else...feel a myriad of emotions.

 

I wish it would just stop and go away.

[uniqueone]

 

It helps when you have something to look forward to. Do things that you have alway wanted to do - set goals for yourself. I have planned several trips for the upcoming year for instance.

 

There's the difference.....you can plan trips.....I can't. I don't have anyone to go anywhere with and there's the expense on top of that. You sound like you have a lot of things there for you to distract you--people, places.....as well as the money to do things. That's what makes the difference.

[uniqueone]

I find myself still having trouble coping...it's been 4 months. I guess what set me off was when she wrote me a email 3 weeks ago and I replied....then we continued to email back and forth for a bit. I was doing alright after 2 months of NC but now I'm back to square one...it seems. Like yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of when I first contacted her and we got together 2 months afterwards. I was fine yesterday...I cleaned my house and had someone over for dinner.

 

It was good...but today I feel like I have ants in my pants...and I keep thinking of the ex. Can't seem to concentrate and focus on anything else...feel a myriad of emotions.

 

I wish it would just stop and go away.

 

 

I know what you mean. And mine wasn't even love! I miss his friendship the most.

[uniqueone]

well.... i'm listening:o

 

dont keep it in. i'm sure plenty of us still feel that about our ordeal from time to time. stop beating yourself up. it wont change a damn thing , other than make you feel like total crap.

 

the things we feel we should have done differently are the things that we did (or didnt) do for a reason. remember its how you felt at the time... and how you felt at the time relates also to how you were treated at that time by your partner.

 

if things were great, and you were getting everything you needed from him/her,, then you would have mirrored that back to them.

 

example:

 

i was in the middle of buying our house ,, lots of stress, doing it all myself, no help from her, not having a minute to think (one of the most stressful things you can do apparently). paperwork, phonecalls, meetings,, all the usual.

anyway, in the middle of it all, she wanted me to come to holland to see an anual navy fair in her home town.

to be really honest i didnt want to go,, i was up to my butt in buying the house,,,and really tired. but i booked a flight anyway

the night before i was due to fly out, she calls me in the middle of the night to tell me she just had a nightmare that my plane had crashed.!!!!

it was the straw that broke the camels back. i told her i wasnt coming to the fair,, i was stressed,, tired,,, and now worried about the flight.

 

i didnt go,, and it was near to us breaking up. we broke up within 2 weeks.

 

i've been saying to myself, "i should have gone over, i should have put her first,, bla bla bla",,for ages blaming myself totally..

 

but it was how i was feeling at the time. maybe thinking back it would have been nice for her to see that i was under pressure and took the time to understand my situation over her wants for a change.

 

sorry for the rant!!!

 

im just saying (other than cheating),it ALWAYS takes two. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!! and if it was such a GOOD THING, you'd still be together.

 

People tell me it was him. I just wish I could really believe it. Even if it WAS him though, I still miss him and no one else seems to be comparing. I feel like maybe when he was mean to me it was because he was hurt by things that I said (he tended to take even the slightest comments very personally).

 

I think "what if that's what caused him to act so mean? Maybe he thinks I was being critical of him or making fun of him." I know that nothing I said was meant in a mean way at all but he could have taken it that way (considering the way he was so hyper-sensitive).

 

I'll admit that later on I DID say some not so nice things but still it was nothing that would be unforgiveable. But I think I probably deserved to be angry considering what he did to me by that point. I wished I would have showed a more mature form of anger than I did but what can I say, I'm emotional. People seem to tell me that how I reacted was normal so I try to believe them.

[mav100]

It's been just under 11 months for me. Since the breakup, I've had a rough go of things. Since we lived together, I found myself homeless when we split (ended up going to my mothers) and then homeless again a few months ago when a buddy who asked me to be his roommate turned around a month later and said his girlfriend was moving in and asked me to move out (he had the lease). On top of all that, I was demoted at work, and my dad passed away unexpectedly in June.

 

I did post quite a bit for a while. Every time there was a new development in my life, either with her or with something else, I posted the details of my story and got plenty of opinions and lots of support. There was also the inevitable "move on" or " get over it" comments. Honestly, I ignored them. I realized that there is no appropriate timeframe to "get over" or "move on" from someone. It works out in its own time.

 

I stopped posting when lifes stressors got to be too much, shortly after my dad passed. It was two weeks after that I became "homeless" again (back to moms!). It was right about that time I just felt like I didn't have it in me to post.

 

I think its not so much that I forgot about her, quite the contrary. I still think of her every day. Sometimes I still miss her, other times I'm angry with her, other times I'm beating myself up saying it's all my fault. Sometimes I will convey how I am feeling to friends who will tell me its normal to have those feelings, and that I should not blame myself.

 

It seems to me that the first step in letting go starts with not talking about the breakup constantly and concentrating on other things. For a while, I had alot of other stuff on my mind. Now that I have a new place of my own, and I've gotten the hard stuff taken care of on my dad's estate, I find her creeping into my mind again. However, I try not to discuss her with friends or write about her.

 

The only caveat with that is, am I getting over it or just suppressing the fact that I still care about someone who can't stand me?

 

As far as posting and/or talking about it, only you know when it's time to stop, or even start again if need be if you do stop. There is no right or wrong answer.