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Being in this rut she caused sucks.


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Greetings all,

 

I came to this website probably like many others, I got dropped like dead weight by my girlfriend of 5 years. She left me for a guy that has much less going for himself than I did, he played a wolf in sheep's clothing and she was lulled in. He uses women and has been through many of them, and it angers me that I let this happen. He's never really been with a girl longer than a few months. She used to tell me how he got under her skin, and then became attracted to him!? He WAS a mutual friend, but now they're off in happiness and I'm stuck here trying to figure everything out, pick up and move on.

 

Ok, now moving past the introduction. I was really confused for the past few weeks. This is all still fresh, it happened right at the end of last month. I just couldn't stop contacting her, and it was getting worse the more that I did it. The more I talked about, the more I felt used. However, I could pick up on how it seems like she knows she screwed up. I asked "why did I deserve this" and she responded with "You didn't." Just a few days ago, I've promised myself it's time to start the N/C phase.

 

 

Now the only problem is that it gets a bit more complicated. The guy that she left me for is my neighbor. Now most of the time they have been on the other side of town at her folk's place. But they have been showing up over here, even when I am home. That is making it really hard to let go of this and forget. I would have thought even if she didn't care, she would have given me the respect not to rub it in my face. I notice other things too, it seems subtly she is trying to spark reactions out of me. She was constantly on myspace as was I and I left her on my friends list. The other day I took her off my friends list to help forget it all, and all of a sudden she never gets on now. Also, as mentioned above, when I found out that she was coming over to his place when I was home, I threatened her with revenge if she kept rubbing it in my face. Well, just today there back over there again, and I just can't help but feel like they're trying to spark a reaction out of me. I decided against the revenge, I feel like it is what they want me to do. I know I can be stronger than that, and I am going to do my damndest to stick to that.

 

What really gets to me is that I feel like I have been set free by losing her, however since I'm still coping, I'm not truly free yet. The problem is that I feel like every time I see them there, it gives me a bit of relapse on improving and being free and happy. She was really controlling on me, and that's not good for a guy if she wanted a healthy relationship. There are plenty of reasons as to why the relationship was going to be doomed one day, but I know deep down both of us really struggled to try and make it work. I'm just really disappointed that when she decided to let go of it, she did it in the worst way possible. I mean, I feel like by being set free I'm returning to my old self. I gained more weight than I ever had in that relationship, and I lost touch with people in the past. Now I've found old friends and am losing weight. I get this feeling like other girls know I'm back on the market and I'm enjoying the looks I'm getting, however I know I really should not pursue anything for a while until I am ready. I want to enjoy it all, but the coping with her is still holding me back. It really angers me that she rubs it in my face, it's not helping me set myself free.

 

So my question is, how can I do this N/C thing and forget about it if they are reminding me by showing up next door? I have to fight urges to cast revenge and also from running over there and thrashing him. Should I tell her that if she wants me to be happy again (as she did say in one of our talks after it all) that she should stay away so I can forget and perhaps forgive? Or should I just be numb to it, and just not let it get to me, no matter how they parade on about it?

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BeyondThePale

I'm so sorry that they are right next door! That totally sucks! The N/C thing is very, very hard at first, I'm going round 3 with it trying to make it stick. You just have to take every day minute by minute, second by second and whatever makes you feel better for a second, do it, then move on to the next thing. You just have to get it in your head somehow that you HAVE to let it go, there's no other option. I'm sorry it's so hard right now, we've all been there and know you're not alone. When I found this forum I realized that a lot of people are going through the exact same thing right at this second. Relationships end every day, no matter how special you might have thought it was. It's very tough but I hope you can hang in there and remain strong. You are stronger than her, you didn't just throw away a relationship for an easy way out. So, continue to stay strong, it's the only way to get to happiness.

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confused2007

Relic,

 

I know it's not fair, but why don't you just move?

 

If you're stuck in a lease, there's a relet fee that you can pay to your landloard to legally be released. I believe other fees also come along with it. It may be the expesive way to go, but to me it would be worth it.

 

If you're going to tough it out, my advice would be to simply show her (Whether it's true or not) that she isn't getting underneath your skin and ignore her childish behavior. Easier said than done, but it'll eventually work and she'll carry on elsewhere. Sounds like she's enjoying your reaction, so be strong and neglect this b.itch.

 

It's hard to start NC when you have this going on but once you solve the situation where you don't have to see her anymore, make sure you stay strong with NC.

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Thanks for the responses and advice. Problem is I'm 23 and getting back into school so I'm boarding with my folks so I can afford school. The only way I could get my place is to put off school, which right now is the last thing I want to do. I don't regret the relationship, but I do think it held me back from improving my life, she didn't have ambition like I did, and in those 5 years I could have been done with a degree and in a career. I can't get down from it, I just need to take this as the time I need to pick up and get on track with my life.

 

Another issue to the situation, she used to be a nanny for my niece, and she's trying to convince my sister in law to let her see the niece again. I do beleive that my SIL won't have it, she agrees with me in which I think my ex shouldn't be able to have her cake and eat it too.

 

 

I have this feeling by the time my life is great again, is when things possibly may come crashing down for her. She's going to suffer heavy remorse and may even attempt crawling back to me. I absolutely CANNOT fall for that, nor do I want to. After the way she stepped all over me for which the reason is still sort of unkown, I do not desire to have her in my life after that.

 

I think if my mind is occupied with working full time and school, I'll be able to let it fade. I already feel better about it all, hanging out with friends and going out (doing things I couldn't do when I was with her) makes it all feel so much better. I am free and have my life back. I did feel like I was losing myself with her, it wasn't healthy for me, and I think in time I will feel more and more relieved. It gets hard every day at times, but it's becoming less and less of a strain.

 

She once told me "I don't think I am good enough for you". It's strange how right she was about this.

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Relic,

 

What about fighting fire with fire?

 

Maybe you know a girl whos a friend that you can hang with. Have her come over a few times when your ex is home. better yet date a bit.

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