coping with a sudden break-up

[gmoise]

My live in boyfriend of 5 years just broke up with me and moved back to his hometown(600 miles away) within 4 days of dumping me. We had some problems in the relationship, financial (because he used to smike pot a lot and was irresponsible, and the way I talked to him (I was very critical and had issues of resentment for how he treated me at times). All these issues aside, we had been doing really well, both of us were growing and working on these issues and were talking marriage in 2007. He went home for thanksgiving, ran into his ex, denied anything happened and came home completely angry with me and blamed the whole thing on me by saying all these horrible things. He told me his ex was married and he wasn't going to pursue her but she did remind him that he was happy once. We managed to talk things out, I apologized for my part in him being unhappy and we talked about being friends. As soon as he got back to his hometown, he switched though, he told me to never call him, that he didn't want anything to do with me, and he knows how I am and he's selfish and running away is his forte. I was shocked and completely hurt. I had access to his bank account since we once shared finances. I saw expensive dinner and hotel purchases, just 2 weeks since he's been back home. I flipped out and called him, he never admitted it's the ex. I also found out he quit smoking pot from his sister, which was the source of 90% of our problems in the first place. Then, out of nowhere, he changed his phone number and email address. He just cut me off completely, like I was just trash, when a week before he broke up, he told me he loved me and mentioned looking at rings when he got back to town from thanksgiving. I can't tell if he's in a rebound with this girl or if his mom brainwashed him (it's an interracial relationship) and he's mom never really warmed up to me. What do you think is going on in his head- is he in a rebound or confused about making a commitment now that we were finally well and marriage was the logical next step???/

[Guest]

First of all I don't think his mom has anything to do with it because when a parent tries to interfer with their child's personal life the child will rebel and do the opposite. I can definately understand why you would be upset. This is going to take some time to get over. Five years was a significant part of your life. One thing that you do know is calling him and accusing him of things isn't helping. He may deserve it, but in the end you are just going to push him away.

 

I would stop calling, I would stop talking to his sister. He has changed his phone number and does not want you to contact him. If you continue doing so you will just be really embarrased about chasing him in the end. Keep your dignity and rather than calling him. Instead, let's write out a list of all of his faults:

 

1. He has been a drug user and probably will continue to do so at some point.

 

2. He declares that he wants to marry you but cannot commit in the end.

 

3. He is still thinking about his ex after many years of not seeing her.

 

4. If he is with his ex he is guilty of home-wrecking as she had already settled down with someone else.

 

5. He is not classy enough to break up with someone in a dignifyed way and has to make a run for it.

 

I don't even know the guy but I can tell you right now that he is no prize. He does not deserve you. Dr. Phil once said that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. So basically, if you were to get back together you would never be able to forgive him or trust him because he will probably just do it again.

 

You are so much better than this. You need to get out and put yourself in situations where you can meet your prince charming because I can guarantee you that this one is not it!!

[Anastasia0309]

Gmoise

 

Sorry to hear about your sudden breakup. Don't know if this is your first time on one of these websites but LS is Mos Def a good place to be! First of all I don't know if I could offer some good advice seeing as all this actions seem very Extreme and I'm even a lot confused by it. Maybe he's just mad and confused but if he Loved you then it would hurt him to just cut you off like that. I'm in my 4 month of my breakup and I know I have tried several times to change my number and say hurtful things to him thinking it would help me not to call him and to just get over if but it would only last about 2 weeks at the most. It would just kill me to think I hurt him and that he could be starting to hate me. So, because I've done this to my ex I would tell you that if he really loves you he would NEVER be able to do this to you. Maybe he'll call you in a few weeks but if he doesn't then it was, for sure, his lost. Breakups are the worst but I do think the sudden ones are just awful but we all will be there for you! What doesn't Kill You Make You Stronger... This is sooo true! Hope I was atleast a little helpful.

[gmoise]

Thank you all for your kind words. Intellectually, I know he's not worth it, and you both have comfirmed this. I just need to work on my heart now. I've never been through anything like this before. We started the relationship when I was 20. It was the first time I ever lived with a guy or truly loved anyone to bring them around my entire family, who really accepted him and treated him really well. I just miss him so much and our dog (which he took).

 

I have to snap out of it after all. I think moving from the apartment we shared will help that process along, which I have not done yet.

 

Thanks again for your kind words.

[miss snoopy]

Re his behaviour - I'd surmise he feels guilty but isn't able to own the feelings so projects them as anger - a common defense mechanism. You know, if he thinks you're a bad person and caused him a lot of problems, this justifies the way he's treated you. I find these sort of people often get some insight eventually but then it'll be too late - you'd have moved on!