intopieces Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 Hi everyone. I just need some help to help my ex and people he will meet in the future. My ex left me in a very cold hearted way and left me reeling in pain. However, we talked about it and worked out our differences and are actually good friends. He is a commitment-phobic and apparently cannot help himself. He seems to be getting into relationships more frequently since we broke up and ending them faster leaving people hurt and in pain. He called me and, in tears, asked me to help him with whatever problem he has. He claims that he doesnt want to hurt people but for some reason cannot seem to stop reeling people in and then inevitably hurting them. He's aware that he's commitment phobic, but that doesnt seem to answer why he is compulsively doing this to people. Im not asking for help for him per se, but I don't like knowing that hes out there hurting others. Is there something out there besides commitment phobia that would cause someone to go out, lead people on, and then hurt them in a really bad way? Link to post Share on other sites
notmakingsense Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 Ive heard of a book called "He's Scared, She's Scared" that is supposed to be a really good book that people send to their CP partners/exes. Take a look at Amazon and see if that is something you want to send him. There is also plenty to read on the net of you search. Link to post Share on other sites
Dadaal Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 I have once been like that !! Link to post Share on other sites
bchlvr Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 I agree, the book that the previous post mentioned is excellent. That said, it's not a substitute for counseling. Is he open to the hard work of looking inward and making significant change? It sounds as though you really care for him. Just know that no matter how much you care and wish to help him, and even if he says he wants help, there may be a limit as to what you can do and what you can be to him. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted December 25, 2006 Share Posted December 25, 2006 I can certainly sympathize with you. I am really good friends with an ex who is a CP. What is positive about him is that he recognizes his condition... that's a step in the right direction. It's admirable of you to remain supportive. Just don't sacrifice what you deserve out of a healthy romantic relationship. If he has CP issues, it's a long, tumultuous road to recovery. I realized with my CP ex, that we could never be a couple again because of his issues (although he often professes his love for me). I just refuse to put myself back into the position to get hurt. Seeing a therapist could help loads. If he recognizes his problem and wants to do something about it, that is his best course of action. D Link to post Share on other sites
Author intopieces Posted December 26, 2006 Author Share Posted December 26, 2006 Thank you D-Lish. Its really baffling because help..but he does sincerely seem to wantfor some reason hasnt gone to get it.In the meantime, he's hurting people at a more frequent rate..almost like speed dating. He even claims to not know why hes doing it but he just can't help it. And yes, occassionally professes that he still loves me which sometimes causes confusion but I know better than to go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 there is nothing u can to when someone else does not WANT to be a part of the healing process. all u can do is reach out and tell them what u can and are willing to do, and leave it at that. at some point, one has to realize that it is only up to them to make the changes. if they are aware of these things, and know you love them and will do with them the things needed for both to grow together and become better people - then u have done all that u can. and, u must leave it at that. state clearly what u require of them, your boundaries, and what you will do for them - make sure they know that you expression of love doesn't mean that u can't be happy without them, and that your love for them is not something that they must match because you are both unique. however, the most important thing is this - after stating all this, don't do it again - they know. so, get on with your life, and if the time ever comes where they decide to try again with u and you are already in another relationship - never leave that relationship for them. they made their choice and u must ensure u respect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 26, 2006 Share Posted December 26, 2006 so to show u the extent i have gone to to leave all avenues open to her to communicate with me, i have: my msn in logged in my cell phone on posting in here cleared the evening just for her that's the best i can do - wink Link to post Share on other sites
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