I don't know whether to be angry, was i wrong or right?

[RealBroken]

Hey everybody, this is reaaaaally long. Its an email i just sent to afriend askin for advice, so thought id post it here too. might be hard to respond to since the whole breakup is such a huge story and all the details aren't here.

Basically we were two people madly madly in love. talkin about our future. She lives two hours away. Her flatmates who became best friends with her were always obviously jealous of me takin up her time, and we had alot of fun together. The flatmates just started gettin harder and harder for me to deal with or socialise with. They were a huge influence in the breakup. She's a girl that has to keep the peace. She talked to them about any issues we may have had, and they would use it against me. We were great together, then i think the girls just made it all so difficult for her. Then it all cam crashin down, almost self sabotage i think.

I'm just trying to clear my head thats all, dnt care too much if i dont get any replies. I'm just left wondering was i at fault coz thats what i have been believing, but now i'm wonderin..... i kinda hope i am..... i dnt wanna be angry at her.

ok here goes.............................

 

 

Hey,

just bin for a walk. Its 11.45am

I've come back kinda angry

I have been doing some thinking and ive kinda gotten angry with xxxxx. She led me to believe that i had done wrong and caused some issues in the relationship. I always in the fear of losing her apologised and just accepted in the end (usually after a bit of a debate) that i was probably wrong and sorry to keep the peace.

Maybe i was still wrong....... but have bin thinking and maybe im not.

She said I was possesive. I think her friends told her i was posessive and lead her to believe it. I cant really think of how i was. Apparently i was accused of always wanting xxxxxx to myself. This is because i spent all my time wit her when i was round there. We would sit in her room and talk or go do stuff. i think its bulls***. I think they fed her that crap. I was taking her time away from them and they didnt like it.

One major example which i think was the turning point of her friends hating me was this.

When she went back to uni after summer, she had alot of commitments like 3 friends birthdays in xxxxxx in a row, a pub crawl she wanted to go on, busy assignments. That was all ok. It just meant that i was going to palmy over and over again in a row. She came to the bay about 3 times i think over the 3 months, every other weekend i was there. I moved to wellington, to look for a job, i was kinda down and uncomfortabvle about the whole thing and was looking forward to her support. It was the first weekend she had free in months and i couldnt wait, i really thought she was gonna cometo xxxxxxxx for the weekend. Then she anounced that she was having a girls night out. i simply said that i was kinda hoping to c her. She said "way to put the pressure on and make me feel bad, cant i just have some time with the girls" I've never understood girls only nights prob coz all my friends are mixed sex and they've never existed. We all have fun together. i guess i was kinda hurt. She said i know this sounds harsh REALBROKEN but your kinda down and it gets me down. you need to sort some of your s*** out. I then told her i thought she was selfish. Basically coz when she was in need which she had been in times i wld drive to XXXXXX at the drop of a hat and be there for her. Now i know that girls probably need someone to lift them up rather than drag them down. I was just hurt. We had a day long argument on text messages. i tried to ring coz i wanted to talk about it before the sun went down, didnt want her to sleep on it. but she refused to answer the phone. That friday i went down, slept over, i was still kinda angry but nice. We talked about it in the morning. i eneded up saying that i was wrong and sorry but could she see my point of view. She got upset again and thought she was a bad girlfriend coz im here for her and she wasnt for me. We then had a fantastic day, shopped and went to the movies etc. i was sick, and was kinda really tired. was obviously abit worried about driving home. usually she wld say hey stay over rather than drive, but she didnt,...... so i left so she could have a girls night out.

I told her something didnt feel right about tonight. i get a sixth sense sometimes, she doesnt really like it, it freaks her out. but it was so strong that i had to mention my concern. it was prob just that i was worried about driving home (secretly i was also worried something might happen to her. u know how u just get a horrid feelin some times.

Anyway, apparently it ruined her night coz she was so worried. The next day she was contemplating breakin up. She said she asked herself is this guy right for me. I think she was talkin to her friends about it. In fact yeah she would have......... then they get their say....... WELL LOOK OUT, HERES THERE CHANCE ONCE AGAIN!!!

i guess what im askin is, was i right or in the wrong. was i possesive? I dont just want you to make me feel better, im kinda almost hoping i was so she had real reason,..... otherwise im left pissed off that i was made out to be somethig i wasn't. WAS I POSSESIVE?

I never annoyed her with too many calls or anything like that. She text as much as i did.

in the end , she just couldnt think of any positive things or experiences about us. Was like she'd built it all up in her head. She didnt want to be there. She self sabotaged alot of the relationship i think.

During the break up she text me something along the lines of this;

"its just things like... if i was to go stay with someone you knew i would take a gift or something to say thankyou, and i would make sure my showers were short"

I then rang her up and said"what are you talking about? wen eva i'm at your flat i give money for power, i do the dishes and ive cooked dinner, i always help out, wen i go to ur mums for dinner i always call and ask if u would like me to get something from the supermarket on my way over...... and i am as quick as i can in the shower, if it makes a difference i'l shave over the sink"

her reply was....."yeah ok, nah dont worry about it, its ok"

see what i mean by self sabotage things? she made up something negative in her head!!!

Im sitting here wondering how many others she may have come up with that i never heard.

i just find it so hard to believe that all this happened. i mean you read the cards she sent. She was madly in love. She's easily manipulated and i think her friends f***ed it all. I know she did too. im angry at them and also with her. Its not fair. Whats also not fair is im still so in love with her. i guess with someone whos so easily manipulated or wanting to keep the peace and be nice to everybody......... is when you get someone who is very loving gentle and caring.

i wanna be together with her again, but can you see how im left thinkin how would it be all possible. I'd have to swallow my pride or something. maybe i should be writing all this down in case it needs to be given to her to read one day . i dunno. If we ever reconciled........ she'd need to know this stuff and how i feel eh.

Why aren't i so angry that i hate the sight of her. Why do i crumble at the thought of her or the sight of her.

Im left wondering if our problems were caused by her, not me.

Everytime i made her feel guilty (coz id be upset about something and express it), she'd bring out the i'm a bad girlfriend line and get real upset. Then she'd go funny and we'd have a problem on our hands.

Maybe she needs someone bad to make her feel good.

Maybe when two good people get together, they highlight each others bad points.

do you think because she is a person that has to impress and have everyone like her,...... that when i made her feel bad for doing something..... she couldnt cope?

I wld never mean to upset her, but would always let her know if there was something making me feel uncomfortable.

One night she was really flicking her hair around when a guy walked in the room, i told her i didnt like it, she was feelin for a bruise on another guy... that had a sport injury above his knee (playin the nurse.....she kept doing it. i actuall went out the back and threw up..... it reminded me of my cheating ex and wat she was like. And she kinda left me too it and hung out with the girls all night and kept leaving me alone. I didnt really know too many people well. She knew i had had a bad night but i told her i didnt want to say why and that she wasnt toworry about it. it was my own issue. She insisted and in the morning i told her those things above that had made me feel uncomfortabable. She got upset, and was "the bad girlfriend" again. She even said "Why are you even with me!!" But we got over it.

I know i was protective in the beginning. I never minded guys ogling her it was kinda a compliment, but i expressed my dislike to the ex boyfriend because of how he treated her. When she would get texts from him obviously i wld be uncomfortable. When she'd go to parties and guys would give her attention thats ok..... its when she would flirt back, yep i had trouble. I read the body language and i spot people when they keep lookin over at her,..... and i see when she is lookin back alot. etc etc etc i never made a big fuss about these things but if i was uncomfortable i wld mention it too her coz i wanted her to knw how i was feeling. She would get upset and call herself a bad girlfriend...... i wld end up feeling bad...... and then convinced i was over protective. I guess thats wat happens when someone cheats on ya in the past.

wow, there ya have it ha ha. alot huh.

 

We eventuall broke up. It took her a month of crying to decide. Even after the break up she would text me sayin she was findin it hard etc. Then a new guy came on the scene......real quick . but i think that has phased out now i suspect for reasons.

 

Was i bad, was she bad........... were we both bad.

i do know however, i was too soft with her so please dont send me floods of replies telling me how i needed to be more mean to keep her keen. I know that, i gave in to keep the peace and make her feel good. i guess i preferred it that way. Didnt like her upset. Distance is very hard when it cometo sorting out problems. Ive learnt text mesages dont solve nothing. u need to be face to face

[dgiirl]

There's a book called "Uncoupling". It will help explain the situation a little more clearly, but basically, you both were starting to grow apart, and i think you both were trying to fix the situation the best you knew how. Unfortunately, you both didnt handle it the best way and resentment started building in both of you. As for her friends, dont blame them. She's fully responsible for her own decisions. Her friends might have just helped her towards the direction she was already going towards. Dont try to look for blame, because in every situation there's two sides to the story and both of you have part in the problems. You had bad communication. Her withholding her feelings from you, you voicing your discontentment of her actions. It's ok to voice your feelings. The trick is finding a way to voice them without making the other feel bad.

[rkman]

Your feelings and views remind me of my first serious relationship. With that girl I learned love, but it took me a long while to accept that I was not truly IN love with her.

 

Greiving has many phases, anger is one of them. Just don't get too caught up in it that you can't enjoy your own life It's part of the whole letting go thing. Once you let her go completely you'll feel good. You'll wake up one day and just realize, wow, I don't care. That's when all the fun starts

[RealBroken]

yeah thats the real hard part. i was always gentle....... but never succeeded. Go an example for me??? wld be great

[rkman]

Your feelings and views remind me of my first serious relationship. With that girl I learned love, but it took me a long while to accept that I was not truly IN love with her.

 

Greiving has many phases, anger is one of them. Just don't get too caught up in it that you can't enjoy your own life It's part of the whole letting go thing. Once you let her go completely you'll feel good. You'll wake up one day and just realize, wow, I don't care. That's when all the fun starts Hang in there budd, you'll get through this, and you will be a better man because of it!

[RealBroken]

She was alot younger than me. I'm 27, shes 21. I guess she was stil a girl huh. I think i was trying to go about things in a different way than she was experienced in.

Would be nice to run into her again when shes 23-24. Until then. F*#K its hard!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess i'm just lookin for honest opinions on HOW I BEHAVED..... so i know for next relationship, whether it be with whoever or her one day.

 

Mind you after all my thinking tonight, i can generlly direct that the root of all our problems came from our distance apart geographically. Ha ha, maybe there's my answer.

The times i saw her were few and long apart and meant too much to me. In the same town everything would have been more relaxed and casual.

hmmmmm

 

sorry guys, just writing my mind,... kinda helps. ramble ramble

[RealBroken]

Oh i was definately "IN LOVE" with her.

 

Had a few relationships in the past, a few long ones too.

 

This one towered above them all. God we were great. Such a shame, these little mole hills or bumbs in the road became mountains in the last month. Sad.

[dgiirl]

I guess i'm just lookin for honest opinions on HOW I BEHAVED..... so i know for next relationship, whether it be with whoever or her one day.

 

You are the only one who knows this. Do some self reflection and figure out the negative things you dont like about yourself and change them and figure out the positive things about yourself and embrace them. Instead of worrying you were possesive or not, try and think of ways you could have handled the situation better? When she replied "I'm just not a good girlfriend then", what could you have said in response? Obviously, it's good to put your feelings out there, but learning how to communicate your needs and still be empathetic to others is the key.

[RealBroken]

I know wat ur saying...... i always told her she was over reacting and i thought she was a wonderful girlfriend, she really was. I always reassured her of that. Just seemed that whenever something needed to be discussed she'd get so upset. I was really gentle. I never raised my voice or got angry in front of her the whole relationship.

 

Ah who knows.

 

One day may tell.

[rkman]

You are the only one who knows this. Do some self reflection and figure out the negative things you dont like about yourself and change them and figure out the positive things about yourself and embrace them. Instead of worrying you were possesive or not, try and think of ways you could have handled the situation better? When she replied "I'm just not a good girlfriend then", what could you have said in response? Obviously, it's good to put your feelings out there, but learning how to communicate your needs and still be empathetic to others is the key.

 

Self-reflection is the greatest gift any relationship, whether romantic or not, can offer to you. After you are placed outside of the box, you are given the opportunity to look back, and see your own mistakes as well as theirs. Be honest with yourself and always use every relationship you have to make yourself a better person.

[RealBroken]

yeah i know....... ive been takin BIG mental notes trust me.

 

I think at the end of the day i was too needy. or appeared that way.

Just wanted to keep her so so bad. was all too good.

 

Woman dont want a guy whos needs them.

 

That'l be why every heart IVE broken was one i never really liked. I never "NEEDED" them, and they got hooked on me. Everyone i've loved. ESPECIALLY this one,.... ive tried to hard to keep.

 

Almost sounds contradictory doesnt it. Life is really funny in this aspect.

if you wanna keep someone, pretend you dont.

 

How dumb!

 

But i guess its the way.