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How to pick up the pieces..? [long post sorry!]


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Gosh where to start. Well, I'm feeling pretty down at the moment so I thought I may as well add my story. I'm 35 (36 in April) and now, it would appear that I'm actually single and no, I really don't want to be.

 

Shall I start at the beginning..? Three years ago I had breast cancer at the age of 32. I had been in a long term relationship with a very loving and supportive partner up until my treatment. This was one of those relationships that people dream about... there was absolutely NOTHING wrong with us. We lived together, laughed together, told each other every single day how much we loved each other. This guy, he was 'the one'. I met him when I was 26 and it took me falling in a snowboarding accident and breaking my back, to realise I was head over heels in love with him and from that day to this, I have never felt any different. That day I was on the slope with friends and he was working away in Germany, he got the next flight home to be at my bedside. We spent hundreds of £'s on phonecalls and the pain and stress we endured when separated due to his work was unbelievable. But we stuck with it. We worked at it. We talked and we made it work. Then I was diagnosed with cancer.

 

The diagnosis of cancer knocked us both sideways. Basically, I became very introverted and stopped talking to people (including him) and he basically put his head in the sand. The cancer I had was very aggressive and I was given very aggressive treatment. My prognosis long term is actually pretty poor but I try not to think about it. We both coped with it very badly. It was complete devastation. You expect cancer to happen to old people, other people. You don't expect it to happen to you. How the hell do you cope with something like that at 32..? Anyway, we became distant. It completely devastated me. It happened because quite simply - I didn't want to worry him with my fears and he didn't want to talk about it for fear of upsetting me. So nobody talked. Consequently we became isolated in our grief and devastation. In addition to that - he had no idea what to do to support me. He carried on going to work everyday (despite his company offering him time off) and I was left alone to endure the treatment in isolation. I became very ill and nearly almost died on a couple of occasions due to infection. I was mutilated by radiotherapy burns all over my chest. I didn't lose my breast but I felt very very self-conscious. Whereas before I could undress in front of him, I found myself hiding away. In addition, he didn't know how to deal with our previously close relationship becoming so distant. We needed each other - but neither of us knew how to reach out. I was very tired and ill at the time. My Mother had to take time out from work for 3 months to take care of me because my partner continued to work.

 

Anyway, as things finally progressed and I got better, eventually I picked up the strength to go back to work and eventually I got angry with him. Aside from which, prior to us splitting he had not touched me (not even a hug) for more than 15 months. He was worried that if we became intimate that maybe I could (as if fertility isn't an issue) become pregnant which would likely kick the cancer off again (hormones would be like christmas and birthday to a hormone dependent tumour). So, I felt rejected, isolated and angry. I stayed that way for over a year after we split. My treatment finished in March 2003 and we split in May 2004. It wasn't an acrimonious break-up... basically we had both dealt so badly with everything, that the gulf between us was too wide to close. We didn't break up because we didn't love each other. We broke up because there seemed no other way to go - plus I had (and still do) to deal with trying to piece back together my life, or what is left of it. If I thought that it was the case that we didn't love each other, I doubt I'd even be giving it a second thought now.

 

Anyhow... since May 2004, alot has happened and basically I've dated 4 men. 2 of them were actually nice people but for me it just wasn't right and I ended things. The other two, I found out after I started a relationship with them that they were married - and I ended the relationships right away (why the hell do men do that?). In all of these relationships, I never felt happy. I never felt like I had found what I was looking for and well, basically... I guess, I was looking for someone who would love me unconditionally and love me just like my ex-partner did. I missed him and I realised that I'm still in love with him. It sounds sad that after two years, I'm still not over him, even though I tried dating 4 times.

 

The problem is, we stayed friends in those two years. Neither of us wanted or could leave the other behind because it would have made EVERYTHING we had been through completely worthless and we wanted to salvage at least something of US, of how we were. I truly believe in my heart of hearts that he will always belong to me and me to him. I know it sounds sappy and sad but I was his first girlfriend and he my first love.

 

Anyway, in recent weeks we had to have alot of contact because we still needed to communicate regarding our house (which I still live in - I have no choice because I paid the mortgage with my critical illness insurance). During some of the meetings in the last few weeks, we have often talked, cried and hugged each other. Both of us have said that we never changed how we felt for each other - we were just dealt a bad deal and basically neither of us was mature enough to deal with the cancer and attendant possible fertility issues (I had chemo which apparently kills the ovaries) and the devastation that it wreaked with our lives and the lives of our families. In the last few weeks we have both said that we wished things were different. He actually asked me did I think that we could have made it if we reconciled and I was truthful with him. I do think we could have made it and I told him so. We've both learned alot in our time apart and I believe that they are very valuable lessons. We never said we didn't love each other in all this time.

 

Recently, I ended my relationship that I was in because the guy was planning to propose to me and I knew without doubt that I could not marry someone else. I simply knew I couldn't do it. I have only ever worm one engagement ring and I will never wear another one. How did I get into that relationship in the first place...? Well, you might ask. Last summer... my ex-partner had been to the house and we were talking - I had previously that week had another cancer scare and he came to be with me. Anyhow, he related a story to me about a girl from work he was falling for. At the time, I was completely gutted but I wanted him to be happy and I realised that if I wanted any hope of reconciliation it was now too late.... so when the new guy asked me out, I saw no reason not to do so. But since then I realised it was a mistake and him about to propose kicked me into doing something and stop wasting HIS time at least. He doesn't see it that way, he says I am evil and that I tricked him. I really think I was doing the right thing by ending things there - what's the point if you never really fell in love (and never told him so) in the first place..?

 

The problem now is, I know that I only ever will really love my ex-partner. He is with someone else now (the girl he mentioned) who he says he has made a commitment to and he doesn't want to hurt her or let her down. Despite how he still feels for me. Every time he has been to see me, we have both ended up weeping and hugging each other and basically both feeling life is so unfair. I am sure he wishes that he wasn't in this situation and I don't know what to do about it.

 

I asked him why go down the route of even asking me about reconciliation if he had no intention of doing anything about it...? He has never replied to that. At the moment, he is very conflicted. His girlfriend left her home country to be with him long term (despite the fact that she still had a boyfriend at home who she still hasn't broken things off with) and he feels he has a responsibility for her happiness.

 

For me, last year... I realised it was truly over because he has never ever considered even looking at another girl and I can't believe someone has now taken my place for real. I mean, I KNEW it but I guess I was in denial. I think I always believed that things would work out. So, basically in the last two years I really tried to move on. In the last 2 years, I've tried four times to date people and to actually give of myself again. I've tried to piece my life back together.

 

But, in recent weeks this resurgence of hope that we could be reconciled has really devastated me all over again and basically, I'm just not sure how to go forward. I'm 35 and all my friends are married with children. I'm literally the only singleton and I feel like a freak because I'm outside of the normal. In addition to that, the pain that I'm still feeling is just killing me. I'm paralysed with it. Only last night I cried myself to sleep and again in the shower this morning, I ended up crumpled in the shower base. I thought by now I would be over him. But how do you get over someone when you know they love you too...? How do you move on when you feel like your life is in pieces..? I just feel like everything I had in life has gone and I don't know how to pick up the pieces and I wish the pain would just stop and I don't know how to do that or where to start.

 

Can someone please tell me I'm not abnormal.. please..?

 

:(

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First off congrats on beating cancer! I hope that it never comes back again :)

 

Onto the problem, I am a firm believer that people who love eachother, and I mean really love eachother, will be together if they want to be. If he loved you like he says he would he would move mountains in order to be with you, and this new girlfriend would already be out of the picture, instead though he tells you that he loves you and keeps you on a string while the girlfriend is away, and whatnot, he has secruity in her and you on the side.

 

It could also be the fact that he is scared that you are going to be sick again, the fact that he didn't stand by you while you were sick would speak volumes to me. I myself have a condition that has the potential to be very threatening, but my husband stands by me and supports me when things are bad and is there when things are good, heck he worries about it more then me XD but my point is that when you care for someone enough you are there for them when they need you the most.

 

I think its time to move on for you

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... part of the pain is realising you are of course right.

 

Part of the pain is realising that in the initial stages of the break up - I never once turned my back on him and never once left him suffering. The cold harsh reality is that he was the person who initiated all talk of reconciliation. Not me. He was the person who came over here and tried the weeping-wounded-soldier thing.

 

Today, I am angry. Today, I feel aggrieved that I actually have apologised to him for being in his life when in fact, it should be the other way around. The harsh reality is that he has dumped me yet again like he did once before. The harsh reality is there is never going to be any reconcilliation and there never was going to be.

 

With that in mind, I cut all contact with him. Email, MSN, text, phone.. you name it. It is only day 5. But I know for sure... in time, it will get better. I have come through worse things and I deserve more than to be someone's second best or covering their bases.

 

The harsh reality is... what once was, is now no longer.

 

Roger Bannister, the olympic gold medallist and record holder for the first four minute mile record, once said "life is for living forwards, even if it only makes sense looking back" (circa, 1954).

 

My own saying is... I agree, it is time to move on. The choice is, I have no choice.

 

Today. I am okay. Maybe later I won't be. Maybe later I will be more okay. This is how these things go though. Ups and downs. The rollercoaster... all you can do is ride it. At the end of the day... I'm pretty grateful to still be here at all to ride it.

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