First day of no contact... tell me it gets easier.

[blah1234]

Well, today was the first official day of no contact with my ex-gf. We have only not seen/spoken to eachother maybe 2 or 3 days since she dumped me almost two months ago. I can't stop wondering if she's thinking about me. I doubt it because she already dating this new guy she just met last week and her dad is in town and she has lots of friends here.

 

Her away message says that she is out with her dad, this new guy, and a couple of her friends for dinner. I am stuck here all by myself with nobody to keep me distracted. This must be so much easier for her.

 

If I just knew that she misses me at least half as much as I miss her, this would be so much easier.

 

 

 

 

Last time we went NC, she broke it after one day telling me that she misses me a lot... I'll bet anyone she wont do that this time.

[gfto]

Yet another example of why a man should implement strict NC the moment she dumps him (or asks for space, or whatever).

 

Yes, it gets easier, but only if you stick to it!!! You've got to grow a pair. Promise yourself that the next time she calls, you will let it go to voice mail, listen to her message for your own amusement, promptly delete the voice mail, and don't call back.

[GB111]

Listen, the dye may already be cast, but the best you can do is start now. DO NOT CALL HER. If you're lucky, the fact that you have not spoken to hear will make her curious (sorry, jealousy is long gone). A lesson for all men who get dumped out there... No matter when, no matter why, no matter how, the best possible outcome comes from no communication, no matter how much it hurts. Don't think for one minute that your sobbing phone call makes an ouce of difference. It does, but only for her. If you can find a way to be strong. NO COMMUNICATION, your odds are better than in any other scenario. Get control back. Once you do, you can decide how to act, though I would strongly suggest being complacent. Yes, these are the hardest minutes/hours/days of your life, but find a way to do it. In the long run, you will be much better off.

[Raven1845]

Listen, the dye may already be cast, but the best you can do is start now. DO NOT CALL HER. If you're lucky, the fact that you have not spoken to hear will make her curious (sorry, jealousy is long gone). A lesson for all men who get dumped out there... No matter when, no matter why, no matter how, the best possible outcome comes from no communication, no matter how much it hurts. Don't think for one minute that your sobbing phone call makes an ouce of difference. It does, but only for her. If you can find a way to be strong. NO COMMUNICATION, your odds are better than in any other scenario. Get control back. Once you do, you can decide how to act, though I would strongly suggest being complacent. Yes, these are the hardest minutes/hours/days of your life, but find a way to do it. In the long run, you will be much better off.

 

I'm a woman, but this post is awesome, and it helped me, thank you.

 

Blah1234, you mentioned that her away message included that she was with the guy she's seeing. Though I'm not like most women, I know what they're like. That message was intended for YOU to see it. I wouldn't put an away message out there like that unless I wanted to get to an ex. (well, "I" would never do that, anyway, but I know that a lot of women, and yes men too, would do that). I would give you the advice of ignoring it altogether, but that's really hard to do. I couldn't do it. So do this . . . take it in a positive way that she thought enough to want to cause a little jealousy in you (as immature as that may be). Then try to shrug it off.

 

Don't contact her. GB111 and gfto's advice is very good. I know it's hard and it hurts like H*ll, but it will help you heal to enforce NC.

 

Best wishes,

Raven

[tikigods]

Agree with everyone above me. Delete her frmo all things that she was once apart of. Online, on the phone, anything and everything. Now instead of wondering about her, why not go out with a few friends of your own, or if that isn't the case, why not go to the gym and work off some steam? Or just go for a walk? THere are tons of things you could do in order to not think about her.

 

But yes grow some balls, and stop being her emotional doormat, why would she be wondering what you are up to when right now she KNOWS what you are up to? And she isn't missing you if she is already dating another guy, i bet you are the last thing on her mind. Its time to make her the last thing on yours

[blah1234]

Well, I kind of broke NC earlier tonight, but only because I had too. I left her a message on aim because there was something in her place that I need... so, I just said, "Drop it off when you get a chance, please." She tried IMing back right away, but I put an away message up and just ignored it.

 

So, she stopped by just now and gave the thing back to me. And I just said "thanks..." as in, I was prompting her to leave, but she said "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

 

So, she told me that this guy slept over with her (but she claimed that nothing happened) and he had a seizure... this, apparently, is actually normal for him because he has some type of condition. She knew about his condition, but freaked out when she saw it.

 

As she was telling me this, she starts crying. I remain unphased by her tears (although, on the inside all I wanted to do was hug her). I asked her why she was telling me this and she said that she wanted to talk to somebody about it. She said that she almost came over right after it happened, but she thought I'd be really mad at her.

 

I told her that I couldn't comfort her and then watch her go back to him, so I said goodnight.

 

Did I handle this the right way?

 

Man, I am so confused. I never know whether I am doing something healthy or stupid.

[Raven1845]

You broke NC. I won't give you any heck for it. I've done it several times myself. (I'm on day 15 with NC, the longest I've ever gone, and though I'm falling apart, I'm proud of myself for sticking to it).

 

Your "aloofness" was the right response. Not hugging her and not comforting her was the best thing you could have done. Why should you comfort her and then watch her go back to him. NO WAY!

 

You did the right thing. Stick to this. Stick to NC. Believe me, I know how hard it is. I am in so much pain, it's unbearable. But trust me, stick to NC. It will help you to heal, help you to feel good about yourself, and help you regain your dignity. I want my ex more than my next breath of air, but I'm sticking to NC. He doesn't deserve me, and if your ex doesn't realize what she's lost, she doesn't deserve you, either.

 

You can do it! If I can, you can.

 

Hang in there.

[tikigods]

Sounds good to me! She wants you to be her emotional crutch in a way, she wants to know that she has you in the shadows waiting for her gleefully.

 

I sitll stand by the "remove her from everything" thing, that way you aren't tempted to even look at an away message from her.

 

But first I would make a list of everything of yours that she has, and everything of hers you have. Get her to put all of your stuff in a bag, and you do the same thing, then drop the stuff off at her place (and when she drops the stuff off don't answer the door but let her just leave it) that way you don't have any reason for either one of you to contact the other

[ddnnee]

terrible... that's all i has to say

[CaliGuy]

Well, I kind of broke NC earlier tonight, but only because I had too. I left her a message on aim because there was something in her place that I need... so, I just said, "Drop it off when you get a chance, please." She tried IMing back right away, but I put an away message up and just ignored it.

 

So, she stopped by just now and gave the thing back to me. And I just said "thanks..." as in, I was prompting her to leave, but she said "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

 

So, she told me that this guy slept over with her (but she claimed that nothing happened) and he had a seizure... this, apparently, is actually normal for him because he has some type of condition. She knew about his condition, but freaked out when she saw it.

 

As she was telling me this, she starts crying. I remain unphased by her tears (although, on the inside all I wanted to do was hug her). I asked her why she was telling me this and she said that she wanted to talk to somebody about it. She said that she almost came over right after it happened, but she thought I'd be really mad at her.

 

I told her that I couldn't comfort her and then watch her go back to him, so I said goodnight.

 

Did I handle this the right way?

 

Man, I am so confused. I never know whether I am doing something healthy or stupid.

 

I think you did the right thing!

 

And I agree with the post above. You do have to stick to NC but let me tell you something, the odd occasions when NC is broken is your chance to shine through or regress.

 

I've been thinking about my behavior lately and yes, while NC was broken (regardless of how), I have carried myself with dignity. I have been more like my old self. Confident, charming, self-assured. No begging or pining for her. Just simply keeping it short and sweet. No bitterness or anger. No "please can we talk" crap. No love letters or poems.

 

NC is extremely hard. Anyone who tells you it's easy is full of crap. But like a drug addiction, we have to separate ourselves from our Ex's for as long as it takes for us to lose the addiction.

 

And you'll know when you do. When you stop wondering about them every second of the day. When you feel your confidence returning. When you feel your self-esteem coming back up to healthy levels. When you start noticing the other sex more often.

 

When you can face the ex and not be phased by them anymore.

[SmoochieFace]

f*** NC... do ZC - zero contact!

 

As far as you worrying over whether she is thinking of you... you need to find a way to quit brooding. Find some activities, friends, something and throw yourself into them. If you sit around and brood it will perpetuate itself and then it will be VERY easy to give in to the temptation of contacting her.

 

DON'T DO IT!

[SmoochieFace]

When you can face the ex and not be phased by them anymore.

 

No. You shouldn't *face the ex* period. That's what *zero contact* is all about.

 

No looking back... ever.

[CaliGuy]

No. You shouldn't *face the ex* period. That's what *zero contact* is all about.

 

No looking back... ever.

 

Some of us are bound to run into our ex's at one time or another. You should be strong enough at that time to be able to face them and not let it phase you.

 

For some, NC/ZC is the only way. The way I see it, if I can't face her eventually and be OK with it, I have not healed. And really, that's the point i want to be at. Where I can see her and not even care anymore.

[SmoochieFace]

Some of us are bound to run into our ex's at one time or another. You should be strong enough at that time to be able to face them and not let it phase you.

 

You may have a point. The only time I *face* my X is when I get my son or when we talk about him. But if she were to try to talk about *other things*... nope, I am not listening.

 

Now... if you met your X at work and you work with her... unfortunately, you would have to face her and it would be difficult. But I would never date someone I work with... in fact, I wouldn't date someone from work even if she worked diagonally from me in the building. Too many complications could arise... especially if it doesn't work out.

 

Just a big no-no for me personally.

[CaliGuy]

You may have a point. The only time I *face* my X is when I get my son or when we talk about him. But if she were to try to talk about *other things*... nope, I am not listening.

 

Now... if you met your X at work and you work with her... unfortunately, you would have to face her and it would be difficult. But I would never date someone I work with... in fact, I wouldn't date someone from work even if she worked diagonally from me in the building. Too many complications could arise... especially if it doesn't work out.

 

Just a big no-no for me personally.

 

Yep, definitely have to face them if you have kids or work together. I personally would never date someone I work with.

 

In my case, the Ex works for a client I have to see maybe once or twice a year so there is a chance I will see her again. We also share a hobby in which I am bound to see her.

 

So my focus isn't just NC but it's healing myself to the point where I am OK with contact and it doesn't bother me. Once I get to that point I will know I am fully healed.

[Raven1845]

Some of us are bound to run into our ex's at one time or another. You should be strong enough at that time to be able to face them and not let it phase you.

 

For some, NC/ZC is the only way. The way I see it, if I can't face her eventually and be OK with it, I have not healed. And really, that's the point i want to be at. Where I can see her and not even care anymore.

 

Exactly! I want there to come a day that if I bump into him, it doesn't phase me at all. If I can't do that, then like CaliGuy said, I'm not healed all the way.