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Relationships with older women


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I recently was in a relationship with an older woman, I am 21 years old. She is 40. We were together for about 4 months but they were the best 4 months ive ever spent in a relationship. I work the Night shift, one day I went into her work to surprise her and she pulls me aside and says "I can't do this."

 

I thought she meant me surprising her at work. So I said ok I understand that you want to keep your work and love life separate. She corrected me, and said that she couldnt handle the relationship anymore. That I made her feel old and that she thought that I should be with someone my own age "Someone who could keep up with me".

 

I dont understand this because I only saw her once a week. One of the constant things we discussed was that, she thought she was holding me back from having a family. One of the things that I thought I had made clear was that I did not want children. I have brothers and that I would much rather have my Nieces and Nephews visit then send them back home with their parents. I love kids but they are just not my Idea of a life. Can anyone help me out to understand why she would leave me? Another thing she said was that I did everything right, and that there was nothing else I could have done. I'm so confused...

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hey guest, sounds kinda familiar, except the age gap w/ my X was only 8 yrs. anyway, she was older and has 3 grown kids. married 2x. part of her reason for her calling it quits after 2.5yrs of mostly good times was that i have no kids of my own, and she felt she was depriving me. never really indicated that i wanted kids, but she wasn't able to provide that and made that part of her decision (justification?). she actly said once (after splits) "go have a kid with a young 21 yr old, then look me up"... one thing for sure, she always felt insecure, and said that "i thought you were going to leave at any moment". i know i'm more stable than that, but i suppose she's not. turns out she got someone else lined up when she left. i think she's terrified of being alone and abandoned...lots of baggage and issues. i don't believe she ever had a honest, committed, stable, healthy relationship in her life. i think that certainly skews things. i wouldn't blame yourself tho, take a close look at her words vs. actions. do they match? look at her history. then read the link on my only other post. it helps put things into perspective (for me). i don't know all the particulars of your relationship, but i certainly know of the hurt and confusion you are probably feeling. -ahogo

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I am 42 yrs. old and when I was almost 38 I was in a relationship with a man who was 21,so there was 17yrs. difference. Like you, we had fun,a bond grew and we had a great friendship on top of all of that and I felt love like I had never felt before for around 4-6 months. The difference was he pulled back.His reason involved him not being over his past marital issues, and allowing himself time to heal and "just be single." He had only been married a short while and out of the marriage a short while. We began as friends and I never thought I would have dated someone so much younger than I was. I was thinking the whole time " I am too old for this guy." The reason I said this was because I had been through so many things in life that he still had to go through so our maturity levels were different at times. The child thing wasnt a problem because I was still able and possibly willing to have another child. (we both had one child a piece ) My son was only 10 yrs. younger than he was. Anyway, she must have felt very uncomfortable with the age difference. Sadly we often concern ourselves more with what other people think than what we think and want. Also another thing that crossed my mind(although I never witnessed it) was that he might eventually find or want someone younger as we aged. Now I know thats an ego problem rather than self-esteem because my self esteem is very healthy. I was just facing future possibilites in my head. Did you ever discuss losing interest with age? Are you sure you were her only love-interest and that she wasnt married? That might not be the reason, but it sounds like she was embarassed that you showed up at her job allowing others to see who her love interest was and the age difference is obvious. You brought excitement to her life which was wonderful as well as scary,you probably made her feel younger too. She probably made you feel more at ease because most women over 35 know who they are and arent bashful about asking and doing as they please and by that age they have also learned how to please in all areas of life and less dramatic. This is refreshing for someone your age because women your age are still "finding themselves" and experimenting with life,etc... I am so sorry this happened to you because love like that at any age is wonderful and horrible to lose. The one thing you need to know is that you didn't do anything wrong,she just felt it wouldn't work out long-term. Count that as a blessing because you both might have felt uncomfortable in the relationship if it continued.

 

Sorry if I rambled,but I hope this shed some light on your situation from the reverse side of "older woman/younger man dating."

 

 

I recently was in a relationship with an older woman, I am 21 years old. She is 40. We were together for about 4 months but they were the best 4 months ive ever spent in a relationship. I work the Night shift, one day I went into her work to surprise her and she pulls me aside and says "I can't do this."

 

I thought she meant me surprising her at work. So I said ok I understand that you want to keep your work and love life separate. She corrected me, and said that she couldnt handle the relationship anymore. That I made her feel old and that she thought that I should be with someone my own age "Someone who could keep up with me".

 

I dont understand this because I only saw her once a week. One of the constant things we discussed was that, she thought she was holding me back from having a family. One of the things that I thought I had made clear was that I did not want children. I have brothers and that I would much rather have my Nieces and Nephews visit then send them back home with their parents. I love kids but they are just not my Idea of a life. Can anyone help me out to understand why she would leave me? Another thing she said was that I did everything right, and that there was nothing else I could have done. I'm so confused...

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