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Awful/terrible situation!


DevotedHusband1

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DevotedHusband1

My heart is in tatters!

Met her in 1977, became friends; started dating in 1978; committed relationship in 1979; even went to the senior prom together.

Married in 1983.

 

Now my wife is having an affair with the son of the man who molested her as a child! The brother of a girl in our wedding party; brother of another girl who sang at our wedding; the molesting father and his enabling wife were at our wedding; he even danced with my wife at the wedding! This is awful! And she thinks she is in love with him! But, she says, "he doesn't have a pot to piss in," and there "no way I'm running off with him." Her story gets more and more disturbing!

 

I didn't learn of the molestation till we had been married for 17 years 23 days. 6 years of therapy for my wife to finally tell me her secret.

 

When I did find out my first thought was to perform an act of violence against him, but I quickly realized this would hurt my wife more so instead I wrote his wife a letter basically saying that if she didn't know of her husbands predatory ways (I've since learned he molested all the kids in the family and hundreds of others, he was an OB/GYN, age not important, control everything) then she should act quickly to protect her grandchildren. If she did know and did nothing then she too would spend eternity in the "fires of hell!" That was in 2000.

 

Just about a year ago the girl/woman in our wedding party contacted my wife to tell her she was getting married...she, the maid of honor, told her mother that she wanted my wife in her wedding party and her mother freaked out! Saying that I would "kill them all" if I was invited. No way, but my wife believed it!

 

When I wrote that letter to the abusers wife I showed it to my wife, to make sure my facts were straight and that nothing could be construed as threatening. We held each other tight, crying on each others shoulders. Now I knew the reason for my wifes fear of intimacy, her waking up screaming in the middle of the night, her cold sweats, her talking in her sleep, her screaming at me if I happened to "bump" into her in the middle of the night, "don't touch me," "get your f***ing hands of me," and worse, and more. Our supposed honeymoon disaster! Yet through it all I loved her more than anything!

 

Yes I did get frustrated and angry at times, try going more than 10 months in your early 20s with not so much as being able to hold your wifes hand, never mind sex! But I loved her and continued to do so! I never strayed though I was tempted, I couldn't and wouldn't; I took my sacred vows seriously! For better or worse, sickness and in health, forsaking all others!

 

When she told me her painful secret I fell in-love with her all over again, and then some! We had 3 + great years together, finally like newlyweds after 17 years of marriage!After the phone call(s) from the sister my wife started up again with the pushing me away, talking in her sleep, screaming night terrors, walking in her sleep, and more. I begged her to not be communicating with that family, but, behind my back she continued. She eventually "hooked-up" with him!

 

I can't go on right now, I'll add more later.

If anyone has any comments that might help, please please do so.

 

Thank you all and God Bless and protect us all.

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More therapy is needed....and you should be a part of some of it.

 

If she won't go, -you should go by yourself.

 

This horrible thing that happened is re-appearing to rob and steal from you both.

 

Abuse is devastating.

 

It sounds as if it has not been fully and truthfully dealt with by your wife and may be steering her present behaviour.

 

Subconsciously, she may be 'in love' with the son of her abuser in order to have control of what she views as the weaker version of her molester.

 

Since I could be VERY wrong, -I feel the intervention of someone (a professional) who CAN get to the center of the problem should be involved with this.

 

It's important for many reasons, among them: her own physical and mental safety and well-being, of course, the risks of giving access to your own family to the abuser, as well as facilitating the abuser to feel comfortable about his actions, thereby, protecting him and leaving him free to continue his abuse in someone else's life.

 

Get help immediately for yourself and stop the access to your own family....and encourage her to see a therapist with you.

 

If she doesn't, muster up all the courage you can, look at your options very carefully, and do what you must.

 

And keep posting, as you feel the need.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

 

 

-Rio

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DevotedHusband1

-Rio Thank you for your comments!

 

I have an appointment to meet with a psychiatrist soon. My wife has attempted to make an apointment for therapy but so far she hasn't really made a great effort. Then again, there seems to be more patients than therapists in the area! I spent 7 days in a Psych unit dealling with my thoughts of suicide, coming to terms with it all...by law I should have seen a therapist within 14 days of my release but with the holidays they just couldn't get me in. Have had 1 post hospital session with a social worker...I'm in a better place, though it is still dark and scary.

 

At this point she doesn't seem interested in "marriage counceling" but that may change...You are probably right about what's going on in her head though she says it was my "emotional unavailability" that drove her to seek out this guy. We both "dated" her at the same time back in 1978; I actually took her out on dated, he'd just call her and say, "want to come over and get high?" Eventually she and I became a "couple."

 

She says she never stopped thinking about him, wondering what life would have been like if she choose him instead of me. She has also said, in the past, whenever we'd see him, which we did from time to time till about 10years ago, "I'm so glad I married you, (he's) such an a**h**e." Now she's saying that she was "in denial" all this time. 22 years of marriage, 6 years of dating?! I think she's still in denial and needs desperate help!

 

Of course I'm not one to talk about being in denial. I should have been in therapy years ago!

 

I am still madly, deeply, truly in-love with my wife, and want to do anything to repair this situation. Maybe I just need more time to "get over" it all. I hope the new shrink can help me cope and move on. I'd rather get into couples therapy and work on my problems and her problems together.

 

We have 2 teenaged daughters and this is hurting them too much! And I think I'm coming off as being the "bad guy" in this. My oldest did discover an email between my wife and her "friend" and confronted my wife with it which is why she finally told me...sort of.

 

I'll get into more later. Thanks again for the sage advice,

 

DevotedHusband1

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