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An observation...


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You know one of the worst things about having your heartbroken, well at least for me. Its people telling you that the pain will pass. I don’t want the pain to pass – because for the pain to end I have to truly give up all hope of getting back together, and right now that is not something I can even consider. I still want to believe there is a chance, I don’t want to let go, and until I do I’ll keep feeling this way. And what makes it worse is that it’s even undermining the potential for a friendship, because I can’t put my feelings behind me and they keep getting in the way. I feel loss, hurt, betrayal, shock, and hoplessness. It’s horrible, but I still hold out hope, even though everything, and everyone is telling me to let it go, even her. But I just can’t, and I feel stuck in a pit of upset, sadness and bereavement :(

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Hi,

 

I know exactly what you are feeling, I am in the same situation myself and I feel so many emotions that I can't keep up!!

I can't even contemplate the thought of me and him not getting back together as it makes me want to breakdown and cry forever.

How can this pain get easier, all those people that say time is a healer are surely lying?!? At the moment I feel so helpless and lost that I don't know what to do with myself. Im dearly hoping that I am wrong, but the annoying thing is I can't do anything apart from wait to feel better.

 

You are not alone, at least there are people on this site to sympathise and offer helpful advice, that seems to be all thats keeping me going at the moment!!!!

 

Hope you're pain eases soon

Take care

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Hey...

 

You`ve heard it all before... But the pain WILL pass. It`s not something you want to believe in. But accept that this is one stage of the breakup. Try to feel better, i`ve been in your position about 2 months ago, emotional hell, but i`m feeling much better. Cut her off completely now, and i`m well on the way to healing. It`s a long process, i know i have a long road ahead of me, but i look forward to it. I loved her, she betrayed me, it`s not wrong that i/you felt that way. I suffered, tried to fight the pain, but in the end i accepted it. It got better. I now don`t think about her all day long. I try not the remember the good and the bad memories. I don`t know if it`s the right thing to do, but it works, at least for the moment. Maybe in a few months time i`ll remember the good times we had, and feel good about them and not miss them. But now, she`s no more. She never existed. Until the time comes when i`ll be okay with the fact that we were and now we`re not, it`s just me.

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brittanyjean259

thats exactly how i felt the first week of my" trauma"...i didnt want the pain to pass i didnt want to get over it, because i was still living in the past i wanted to still hold done to someone who i still beleive screwed me over.........

 

but when the pain goes away you will no longer feel that way, each month wil be different, i think about moving on and it still hurts SOOOOOO bad......but if i dont move on....ill be living in an unrealistic state of mind full of hope ( witch is not really there)....so you gotta move on.....

 

 

try to be strong, i know the pain but it does get better...it might still hurt realyyyyy bad but it gets kinda different...and once you can let go , you will feel better...

 

 

its really hard to try to understand what our minds really are thinking when we go through this, we let go( but in reality it will hit us really hard one day again) so thats not letting go? its hard you gota work with your mind and see how it works and just live in the moment and know that we all go through this painful experience:(\

 

good luck both of you, i feel your pain...with you

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Obviously a recent break up and thats why you are in this mindset.

 

After a while you will get very tired of feeling this way, and you will ask yourself ' Do I keep chasing this women, or do I wanna feel better '? and you will opt for the 2nd option...

 

It will take you a while tho, probably need to get burnt by her a few more times then you will be like f**k it, im sick of feeling like this.

 

And in regards to the psychological thoughts posted above, it dosent always go like that cause I never experienced Stage 3 in my lifetime.

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Yea, I don't know if those steps are in the right order for everyone. I've been bouncing between steps 1 through 3 since she ended it over a month ago. I will say that step 4 is absolutely where it needs to be though. The first three....not so sure.

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Wow. Thank you so much for the comments.

 

Williamswood – Sounds like you and me are in exactly the same situation. So it’s good you know what I’m going through, and of course I know what it’s like for you as well.

 

OmegaRed – I know the pain will pass, my point was that I can’t let it pass until my mindset changes, and at this point I’m not ready. Also I can’t cut her off completely as she is a friend, and I care for her so much, even beyond my own desire to be with her, so it’s important that I know she is ok and that I have some involvement in her life. She is a very complicated girl, and I feel I need to be there for her, whatever happens between us.

 

Brittany – you are right about the dangers of living in unrealistic hope – I just don’t know if my hope is unrealistic, as I say I know she cares for me, and I can’t accept that there still isn’t a chance.

 

Chocolate boy – those stages are interesting. I’d say I’m primarily in stage 2, although I flip into stage 1 quite often. As for getting angry, well the situation is making me angry, but I can’t be angry with her, I just can’t.

 

Pippen – You seem to reckon I need to give it another few tries? Even if that is the thing that helps me move on? I don’t know. I’m not sure how to try again, she says her mind is made up, and someone else has entered the equation. If I didn't want to remain friends I would keep pursuing it or pushing it, but if I do, and it doesn't work, I feel the friendship will be lost. So its a tricky situation in this regard. I think she only wants to be friends if it's working for me, but if I go back to her and she says no I'll go into a nosedive again, maybe she won't even want to be friends after that point... So as a friend I think I need to respect her decision, but I still want to allow her space should she change her mind, but of course I can't wait for that, and I will have to try and meet other people, I just don't see me meeting someone like her again.

 

Downcyeguy – yeah I’m not totally sure about the steps either. I think that just in what I have written you can identify aspects of all the stages...

 

_____________________

 

In part I think it’s her own issues that have stopped her. She seems to think I would reject her in the long run, and I think that the fear of this made her act first. I really do. But maybe that is just me being in denial. I don’t know, she really did have issues with commitment, and her worth.

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As much as it is hard to admit it, i know i won`t meet another girl like my ex was. But (and this is a big but), i`ll find a girl who`ll make me just as happy, even more so than my ex. They`ll be different, ofcourse not the entire opposite, but we are adaptable species. Ask yourself this (don`t know if you`re in a state to objectively observe this): How many things did you love about your ex, the things you started to like/love while WITH her? I know i did a lot of things. I`ve LEARNED to love a lot of things i didn`t before.

 

So yes, you most probably won`t find another girl like her. But that`s the whole point now, isn`t it? You are going to find another girl who`ll make you LOVE different things about her and your relationship. Not the exact same things you had with your ex, but you`ll learn to love them nonetheless. After a while, you may look back and see that what you have now is much more important to you than what you THOUGHT was important with her. So, don`t even look for your ex in another girl. It`s difficult, i know, i`m still looking for the qualities my ex had in other girls, but i don`t look for HER anymore. Just keep your eyes open. Something even lovelier is coming your way, that`s for sure.

 

You cannot save her or help her, maybe you did while you two were together, but now it`s out of your hands. You`re your own saviour. Leave her be, let her make her own decisions, her own mistakes, her own right choices. You can only control your life.

 

Be strong my friend!

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I was in a 20 year relationship and breaking up was the hardest thing I ever did in my life but hey I got through it. Time heals. Give yourself some time but please do move on.

 

Tell yourself you are no longer going to be a b*tch, b*st*rd magnet, write yourself a note listing everything you want in a man/woman and put it under your mattress and let the universe bring him/her to you. Make sure you add to the list love and loyalty because that is obviously what you are not getting now.

 

The pain is unbelievable but you must force yourself through it. You can do it. If you need some help, see your doctor and talk to peole.

 

Hope it all turns out well.

 

Maz

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Just one more thing, until you do move on, no-one else can come in. It is because we love deeply that we go through so much pain. Be glad we can love deeply because so many people cant and they are the ones who stay in a relationship without love. Let someone in who appreciates your love.

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brittanyjean259

exactly!, deep down you know she cares for you....and so you cant accept it, i know my ex still cares for me, and its harder to except it when you know they still care for you( honestly that makes it harder)....

 

but she did the things she did, and you will have to base it on that,not if she still cares for you, even if some1 loves you...doesnt meen there a good person.

 

ill read more on your threads to see what really happend

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brittanyjean259

i understand people who have been in the relationship longer, i do think that would be harder.......and he if he can get through it, im sure you can get through this.......the pain is crucial yes but you gota start to move on now, if you accept that your moving on it will be better..

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Omegared –thanks man, your advice is really really useful. I just feel it’s still a little bit down the road from where am I now. At this point what you say makes sense to me, but I’m still to raw for any of it to fully sink in. I will hold onto it though.

 

What you say about saving and helping her is hard though. She does have difficulties and I worry for her, I can’t help that, and I know it’s almost out of my hands but I still feel I need to look out for her. If I can adapt to a friendship and still do that I think I will have achieved something, but that’s the difficulty – adapting. The idea of totally cutting her out of my life is too hard, in the long run perhaps it would be easier, but I can’t do it. Perhaps further down the line, maybe in a month or two, I’ll be in more of a position to totally let go. I know she doesn’t want to either though, so that makes it hard, as she sends signals to stay friends I misinterpret them and the whole cycle begins again.

 

 

Mazza – again thank you for your words. I’m just finding it hard to move on. I keep thinking that perhaps in a bit time I will be ready to move on, and I can start that process then, it’s just to much of a stretch at the moment.

 

Brittany – that is it, I can’t except it because I know she cares, and to me it’s just her issues that are getting it the way. I know if she could take the risk (as she sees it) then everything would be ok. The only way fir her to get over her issues is to face them, but right now she’s running away from them, she’s taken the easy option, the option she feels is safest. And I find that so hard.

 

_____________

 

Guys I want to thank you all for your input, it really is a great help, and its good to be able to vent here. Everyones opinion has been of help to me, and I wish you all the best of luck with your own partners, or finding someone who you can love and be loved by. I never knew this would all effect me this way, and I never thought I could feel this way, I am learning about myself, it's just a horrible, horrible way to find these things out, but I do know myself better for it. Cheers. :)

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y0ss

 

My boyfriend just broke up with me too, and it hurts really bad. I mean this man was the man i thought i was going to marry. We had a perfect relationship, and i loved him. We broke up for reasons that take too long to explain, but if your curious about them look under the thread "why does it hurt so much, please help!!" Under the posts on that thread by starr3546 it will tell the story of what happened. However, i like you don't want to let go of this person. I keep hoping that they are going to come back. I hate sleeping because all my dreams are about him; but then i hate waking up b/c then the dreams of us stop, and i have to go through the day without him.

 

Moving on though is the only thing that has kept me sane through all this though. Going out, not talking about it anymore to anyone, going on dates, and just looking at the positive.

 

Take a huge look at yourself, your life, who you are, what you have to offer, and get a lil angry b/c that person just gave you up. If you let go you'll be able to live again, holding on to these feelings when hope of the relationship is in limbo is just crazy. You need to gather strength and move on with your life. if you don't down the road, if the relationship does not rekindle your going to be upset that you wasted so much time dwelling and hopping for their return; when truth be told, whether you let go a little or not, isn't going to make that person stay away longer, or come back sooner. So my advice to you is let go...if it is meant to be it will be...and well if it's not it's not.

 

G'luck starr

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Hey, my gf broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. I thought this was the girl I was going to marry, she thought I was the guy she was going to marry, and everyone thought the same thing. She had this urge to go out and meet new people and party and I never liked the partying idea and we would fight and she felt suffocated plus she became friends with these 2 guys. Now they we are broken up he moved in for the kill and she is falling for him. She cares about me and misses me but to tell you the truth it means nothing. She fell into the trap of "the grass is greener" and I was left devastated.

 

Point is, it's over. There is hope that one day she will come back or realize she loved you or something but that time is not now. I know that now. Trust me I still check her things and try to interpret things she says but my gf made her mind up, the easy way out. I went with her for a year and a half and now it's gone, just in time for the holidays too. It angers me to hear "You'll move on" or "It'll get better" especially when you know she still cares. My ex has major insecurities, used to turn to me for all her help and said she couldn't be without me because I took such good care for you, plus the worst part is she still cares for me and wants me in her life. But this is in a friend way and haning on to her means annoying her plus giving her the power to do all and STILL have something to fall back on.

 

I'm telling you this now when I don't even truly want to believe it because her and I just split 2 weeks ago and she is moving on so rapidly and getting drunk and becoming a wild person which she never was and I care for her with all my soul but: Move forward dude. The ball is in her court and if she ever regrets it you will hear from her but until then she has to go for what she did. I'll be here for you and I feel the same way as you do and I know anger will take over the pain eventually so I'll watch your posts.

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brittanyjean259

yeah, we all feel what your going through...and there really isnt anything you can do about it, just look at it as well you cant change it go with it.

 

 

she could regret it, dont be her friend...if anything dont even talk to her you have your right not to

 

good luck

 

and i know the holidays are coming up, they give me a werid feeling.......sucks but they will pass haha

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Well again thanks guys - I've probably just done something stupid. I've sort of embarked on a course to get totally messed up about this again, after feeling better the last two days! Basically spoke to her friend, who is going to have a word and get back to me - from her tone I started thinking it might resolve itself (it won't - her friend doesn't really know the details). Rationally I know it is totally over, I do know that, but emotionally (which is a totally different), after what her friend said, I start dreaming, hoping, pineing again. This will either be it, the thing that sorts it all (very unlikely, i know this even as I type) or my last fall (yeah I know its coming, I can feel it, I'm going to hit rock bottom again). So bear with me - I'll keep you posted, I've gone against all advice to moce on, I should have, but as I said at the start of the thread I just can't. As someone said, maybe I need to get burnt again, well I'll be feeling it soon if that is what is on the way. Thanks again for your input.

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Brittanyjean06

i know you dont want the pain to pass...because your still holding on to something you still very much want, but you will get to a point where you really want to get over this.....and when you do get there

 

be thankful that you got a step further:)

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