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Feeling very trapped!!


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country gal

here's my dilemma.... i'm supposed to go on a family trip with my bf to visit his brother who is on leave from iraq (a 1 week trip). i've been this man for 1 year this upcoming weekend. he's completely in love with me yet i have serious doubts aobut us. these doubts have been highlighted even moreso since my ex has been back in the picture. i started talking to him about my doubts about 3 weeks ago and to make matters worse he told me that he was giong to propose to me this upcoming weekend (my timing turned out well and he didnt end up buying the ring). he's an absolutely wonderful man and great "catch."

 

well things have not gotten better and i feel more distant with him every day. we went on a weekend trip this past week to a friends housewarming party and i couldnt wait to get away from him. i felt relieved when i was on my way home from his place and felt so guilty for feeling that way.

 

the dilemma is, i care about him so much and think that i could have a very decent and certainly stable life with him. on the other hand, i'm no longer in love with him and feel that i need a ton of space from him right now (and am not convinced taht will even help the situation). so should i bite the bullet and still go with him on this trip and work it all out later - i'm very attached to his family and would like to see his brother, especially under these circumstances (him on leave from fighting in a war and all). or do i tell him that i really dont want to go and why and chance him both breaking up with me and having a miserable time on his trip??

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In any normal relationship the feelings we have for our SO are like the tide in the ocean...sometimes high and sometimes low but mostly in between. Go on the trip and during the trip focus on the moment not the future. :D

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I think that you should go on the trip. One reason because you have already committed and if you want to see his family go ahead. I would do a little more thinking while you are there. If after this trip you come to the conclusion that it is just not what you need right now then do not feel guilty for that. It is possible you just need time to figure out what you want and there is nothing wrong with that. If he loves you he will need to understand. Either way you need to make a decision because all waiting will do it make it harder and on both of you. You never know you could take some time and realize he is the one for you.

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country gal

but if i go, how do i handle not really wanting to be around him and faking it in front of his family the whole time? i'm afraid that if i do that, by the time i get back, i really wont want to be around him and will be much more ready to just break it off .... in which case, the trip and the anxiety of it will have been all for nothing.

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It sounds to me you do not want to go...If you decide not to go then there is nothing wrong with that. You do what is going to make you happy. If you do go I dont think you will have a good time and he will be able to sense that. I dont know this is a tricky situation. Would you be ok telling him you do not want to go... If so then do it and that right there will give a week with out him. You can determine in that time if you like it or not. Now thinking about it more I would get out of going. You should just be honest, Because if you make something up then the whole time you still wont be able to relax because you still will not be being honest. Be honest all holding back will do will cause further tension and maybe even make you angry at him for little things...If you arent doing that already. Have you noticed that maybe you have just been kind of bitchy or getting angry at him lately for really no reason at all...If so you need to go ahead and be honest. There is nothing wrong with that.

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country gal

you're right, i dont want to go.... but either choice for me is really crappy. i like his family and out of respect for them feel obligated to go even though it would tear me up inside the whole time .... but if i dont go, i'll feel relieved while he'll feel devastated. stuck is where i am.

 

i have been honest with him about things that have been bothering me (his clingy needy behavior amongst other things)... but i'm not sure if he's walking around with blinders on or what b/c it doesnt seem to be sinking in how serious it if for me - nor has he really changed anything, but maybe i wasnt clear enough? and yes, everything he does lately just irritates the hell out of me, making it worse. i'm giong to talk to him tonight about my feelings about all of this and its probably going to be ugly, but necessary.

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Yikes...got to love the clingers..J/K...It seems with this guy there is not beating around the bush...You have got to be straight up and direct with him. You are going to have to just say it and be strong enough because he is going to try and talk you out of it and probably make you feel bad. But you have to remember that you are not doing anything wrong. You are just being honest. A break will be good. If there is really something there it will be for the best because you will realize that you really want to be with him. If you do not do it, it will only make matters much worse. You will begin to really dislike him. You need to be honest...Tell him and get it over with.

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