He keeps calling....after I stop calling him...yet I'm happy and moving on...

[Sweets1919]

My bf of 8 months and I broke up almost two months ago. For the first week we talked every day or so...he kept saying that he didn't see our break up as permanent, that he still loved me, that he would take me on dates when he came to town (it was ldr). But then after about a week he did not reply to a text or two I sent. So a few days later he texted saying he hoped I was doing well. I did not reply and a couple days later he texts "are you mad...you did not reply" (Funny that he didn't seem to see a problem that he had not replied to MINE though!)

 

So fast forward month and we had basically had one text conversation (after two weeks of no communication), and communication ended at that point because he did not reply to my texts (in which I said I was OK with the breakup and that I saw it as a learning experience, was not bitter etc etc.) He called a week later and left an "excuse" as to why he had not called at all (I did not reply). I sent him another text a week after that (being friendly, I was on a trip) and he did not reply. I figured enough attempts on my part, I was feeling much happier when I was no longer thinking we still had even a "friendship" (because he was treating me worse than I'd accept from a friend) and have not called or texted at all in over two weeks.

 

So now he's been calling like crazy. He called my cell on Friday, texted me Sunday night, and called my work this AM, my cell twice this morning, my house this morning and this evening and my cell again this evening. I either missed the calls or did not pick up. He left messages saying "I hope you are doing good and I wanted to say hi. I guess u might be mad at me" and then on the evening message he says "can you call and just let me know you're ok. You have not answered any of your phones and I'm worried, just call to tell me you're ok, even if you are mad at me and don't want to chat"

 

**That last call was three hours ago and I have not replied. He and I know many mutual friends so if he was REALLY concerned that something had happened to me he could ask any of our friends if they've talked to me and if I'm "ok".

 

**This is the bf who only two months ago ditched me to go "party" with "guys" (though I suspect a girl may have been involved) for five days while lying to me about what city he was even in (we were supposed to go away together that particular weekend together), who says he let his new "buddy" use his credit card number to stay at a hotel in MY city (we were ldr and he is not even from my city...) during the five day "bender", and who continuously lied to me about what he was doing those five days. I know that as of two weeks ago he was seeing a new girl at his work (who I think he was seeing before we broke up)....she is "in love" with him according to our mutual friends who have heard about her. (He is a perpetual cheater so it doesn't surprise me that as soon as he has another girl "in love" with him that he starts calling the ex (me) again.) He does not know that I know that he is/was seeing someone new (the girl who told me no longer talks to him).

 

I don't want to get re-involved with him. I also do not want to have him keep calling me. However, seeing we do know mutual friends and we are from the same small hometown, I do not want to be totally rude and just tell him to f-off.

 

Suggestions???

[Merin]

The best response is the one you're already giving him, NONE.

 

You don't owe it to him to ease his mind that you're okay and seriously if he was that damn concerned he knows where you live and as you've said you have some mutual friends.

 

Sounds to me that he's using the "I'm worried" as a way to guilt you into contacting him.

 

IF you really don't want to be involved with this guy, then carry on as you have been.

 

Hang in there

[Sweets1919]

Thanks for your input. I was re-reading my posts from April/May (and even November when he was two-timing me)...and I can recall the hard times I went through...the painful days, the sleepless nights...just WAITING for him to call me...and that was even when we were "togetber"!!

 

but i took these last two months now to get back to me...to re-read my books on self-awareness, authentic power etc....to get back to actually finding JOY in talking to my family and friends (instead of the uneasiness I felt because they'd ask about my relationship and I wasn't gushing with happiness), to want to go to the gym or play baseball with my friends and not wonder why he did not call etc. Not that it consumed me back then...but going through the break up and moving on has come full circle and I know that I am happier now than back then.

 

I know what I deserve and I know that my heart (soul?) will not let me settle for a mediocre life where I cannot express myself and feel loved for all of who I am. Thanks to all of you for your input over the past few months when I was hoping things weren't as they seemed and that things were not falling apart around me. I know now it was for the best and I do see it as a learning and I know that in a few years I'll look back and he'll be "the guy I dated for a bit that year"....

 

 

Thanks,

Sweets

[Sweets1919]

OH, another good thing I did a couple weeks ago was make the "pro" and "con" list about our relationship and the con list was about 3 times longer than the "pro" list. Even things that I had overlooked/compromised/not said anything about made it onto the con pile. ie. most frequent activity with his friends was strip bars, bought porn mags lots and had them around my house (he also had Maxim, Stuff, FHM, as well as ones you have to get from behind the counter at the convenience store), drank pretty much every day. chewed a tin of tobacco a day....

 

now I refer to the list that i keep in my drawer just to remind myself all ths sh** that I lived with (besides the lying and cheating...haha...) it's laughable now that I think that this was the guy that I wanted to have children with and move away with, give up my house and career and just be a "housewife" for him and now I can re-focus myself on finding someone who can also offer the type of relationship that I want.

 

I read in a book once that if you aren't sure about being with your partner or if it is the relationship you want (and not just hoping that he/she will change or that the relationship will get better), you should ask yourself:

 

1. If my partner never changed from who he/she is today, would that be enough for me to be happy in this relationship?

2. Would I want to have children who are just like (same character) my partner?

3.Would I like to become more like my partner?

 

If the answer is NO, then it is probaby best to move on.....I read that after he and I had broken up and I knew that the best outcome had happened....

 

Sweets.

[flsgirl]

You sound as if you are doing fine. There aren't too many people like you who can honestly say that they are over their exs and can actually laugh about the situation. As for him contacting you, you can either ignore it and hope he gets the hint to stop calling or you can answer the phone when he calls and ask him to please stop calling you. He's definitely trying to guilt you into calling him. Just don't contact him.

 

You are an inspiration for everyone in here. Doing the pro and con list and posting the cons all over the house definitely helps. It helps remind yourself that you are amazing and can do so much better.

[ashley83]

awwww i've been through the same thing...and please please fight the urge to contact him like you have been doing. You will be eventually indifferent towards him, the most awesome feeling in the world towards someone who's hurt you.....in time it will come...and i know it probably hurts sometimes but it happens to all of us! hang in there, you've got a good head on yur shoulders.....and i dont know you but can truthfully say he honestly doesn't deserve you....you have ideals apparently unlike him.

[Sweets1919]

After I posted on Monday, I did not send him any sort of reply. Four days passed (all week) and he did not call again so I thought he got the hint.

 

Tonight I went out with friends for "Canada Day" and left my cell phone in the car. When I went to go home at 1AM I looked at my phone and I saw he had called at about 9pm. I thought to myself "oh, he called again"...and almost a bit of satisfaction that HE is the one calling, possibly wondering where I am, who I'm with and what I'm doing (he didn't leave a message)...doesn't compare to me wondering all those things when he was my BOYFRIEND!!

 

But I was happy that I AM moving on and feeling that indifference....my heart did not skip a beat when I saw his number, and I did not take it to mean "he wants to be with me"...it seriously was just "oh, he called "

 

I want to meet someone who does not cause me the pain and whose commitment and interest in the relationship I do not have to question or doubt.

 

Thanks everyone for your support, and no, I am not going to call him or text him. I feel good about myself and my life and my happiness now...I do not want to wreck it by calling him, hearing lies or pretending we have a friendship when I know we do not anymore.

 

Thanks,

sweets

[NightsEcho]

Hey sweets,

Happy Canada day, I'm from Alberta too.....Calgary actually.

Good to hear you are doing okay. I have been going through a breakup for a longtime.... 3 1/2 years ended 4 months ago. It sucks but to hear your moving on is awesome. Don't let this guy get to you.

 

You sound like your doing great, keep your head up.

[IceIceBaby]

Ah yes, sounds like my situation. I broke up with my boyfriend of a year about 3 months ago. The reason being that he never made time for me, never called, never seemed interested, no affection, etc. We've broken up before and gotten back together, but I decided this time was it. And as soon as he realized I was serious about it, the calls started. He now calls or IM's every day to see how I'm doing. Asking me how my day is, something he never used to do. Now suddenly he wants me to come see his band play all the time whereas before he used to ask me NOT to come.

 

I guess as long as you are over him and don't want a relationship, then just ignore the calls. I pick up, because I do enjoy talking to him, but it's just different now. But you don't want the calls to keep coming, so just keep doing what you're doing. He doesn't deserve to get what he wants, which is talk to you. So until the calls stop, just enjoy the little bit of power YOU now have over HIM.

[Sweets1919]

When we broke up in early May I could not believe it was happening. I was happy to hear that he didn't think it was "permanent" and that he was going to (yet again) start putting in an equal effort to build a friendship on which we could base a relationship. We were going to see how it went....

 

So I still kept a bit of hope that he would call and text more than usual...he could be the one doing stuff for me. Well it seemed when I would text him the nice things (ie. I care about you a lot, have a good day!)...he would not respond....for DAYS! Or when I would leave him a voicemail he did not respond. If he had responded and it was a reciprocal relationship, I could have seen salvaging a friendship/at least talking relationship.

 

But I know that I need to take care of myself. If he and I talk and he tells me he has a new gf I know part of me will be sad (just to hear it from him) and the way he is, if I show any sort of sadness, he'd say "well you're the one who ended it so you have no reason to be jealous" (Ya, jack---, I ended it because you were a liar and a cheater and your new gf is probably the one you were seeing behind my back)....so why would I want to then open communication, put the power back in his court? I could almost guarantee he would talk to me that day, say he'd call again soon, and then not....he'd drop communication again. so I am not going to give him the chance.

[Bellona]

You sound so strong, and you have your priorities in the right place. He doesn't deserve such a great girl like you! I'm kind of in the same boat, but am not doing as well. I can take a lesson or two from you!

 

You don't have to tell him to f- off per se, especially if you have mutual friends, but it really does sound like he's trying to guilt you into contact.

 

If you want to be friends with this guy, okay--but don't do so with the aim of picking the relationship back up sometime, especially if the CON list is longer than the PRO. We all hate break-ups, but maybe we hate the idea of change more than the actual break-up when it becomes apparent that the break-up is the best thing--even though it doesn't seem that way at the time.