Should I keep trying

[charlestonchris]

I met Brian on September 1st, 2017, after only a few days on the EHarmony dating site. We met after about ¾ days of texting. During our first date, we shared such a wonderful connection. During the next few weeks we saw each other often, became exclusive and I told him I loved him. I loved how much he adored me. The way he kissed me made me sure of his feelings for me. After a few dates, the conversation started to become strained. There lacked things to talk about and so we ended up having a ton of great sex or talking awkwardly at each other.

 

He would always tell me that we are pushing things too quickly and that I don’t live in the moment. There were times that I backed off and decided to slow things down into a more casual state. We had talked about moving in together. We had planned on doing it in July. That is the date that he said he was comfortable with. A few weeks into planning the move for July, he tells me in December that we should move the date up to March. I wasn’t sure I wanted that so I told him that we could keep it at July. He was very offended by me suggesting to keep the original date. When I asked him about this later on he told me that whenever he would open up to me, I would push away from him and vice versa.

 

It always confused me when he would tell me something about us progressing our relationship and then when I agree, we are moving too fast and when I suggest slowing down, I am pushing him away. I do have a habit of spacing out and going into my own head sometimes. I’m not quite sure why I do it, but my mind just clicks off sometimes and I have to remind myself to get back into the conversation. Like I am somewhere else sometimes and he always took this as a sign that I wasn’t interested in him. Analyzing everything in my mind over and over again. After the breakup on January 9th, I took some time and sought some professional help to do some introspection. I was able to face the PTSD (some early childhood trauma) I was feeling and live life again.

 

In the time since our breakup, our interactions have still been pretty consistent- up until last Monday, the 12th. The pattern prior to that was typical. When he broke up with me, he did so because he said everything was moving too quickly and he needed to slow down. That he was feeling too much pressure and needed to take a step back. He also said that we didn’t have the deep connection needed in order to have a successful long term relationship. Now take into account, when I met him, he had only been away from his wife of 8 years (who currently lives in Mass and with no chance of reconciliation) for a month or so. He told me he was getting a divorce but wasn’t going to roll over and allow her to keep everything (house, money, etc) without a fight to at least get enough to pay off some family land (irrelevant).

 

I had bought us tickets to a Badfish concert the for the Friday after we broke up. We still had the plans. That Friday, he picked me up, bought me dinner, and we walked hand in hand around downtown Charleston until the concert. During the concert, it was pretty crazy with since I like to be in the front row. He is not a crowd type of guy (he is 6’5 and 340 lbs) but insisted on standing behind me to ensure I didn’t get knocked over. After a while he went outside to vape and I followed. We kissed for a long time. It was wonderful. It was passionate. I got very drunk during that show. After the show we went back to my where he had picked me up from.

 

We both cae inside. He spent the night and we ended up having sex. But, after the sex, I got very emotional and we ended up fighting. After the show, After the concert, we didn’t talk to about a 2 weeks. I called him one day from the restaurant we spent New Years Eve in. We had great memories from this place and read it somewhere online to go somewhere that reminds you of him and then call him. So that’s what I did. And he came downtown (45 minute drive) at 11 o’clock at night to have a drink. Well one thing led to another and we had sex. Another fight because I got so emotional and he left again on a bad note. During all of this time, we had talked and decided we were going to try to date casually. That we were going to take away all of the pressure and fall in love over again.

 

He made it a point to say that we shouldn’t have any sex during this period as it will bring us back to our old ways. During this time he had told me that he wasn’t dating anyone else and that he was worrying about getting his life together and not about dating anyone. He picked up more hours at work and filled his time with work and friends. I was pretty distraught during this whole time. I wasn’t comfortable with the idea of us dating casually even though I agreed to it when he communicated that this is what he would wanted. But, I could never drop the pressure. He just wanted to take things slow and I still kept pushing to move things along back into a relationship. I was very emotional during these times. I think a large part of him was upset that I moved on so quickly. He kept bringing that up. How could I have loved him if I moved on the next daywith dating another guy. (I didn’t move on the next day.

 

I met a guy at a bar the day after we broke up and we everntually ended up going ou on a few dates. It was nothing serious). He knew I was dating other men. I would call another man while he was in bed with me. (I know how bad this looks so comments aren’t necessary, please). I would mention other men while we were out. I would ignore him for days while I was dating someone else in an attempt to show him what he may be losing. I began to realize though, that if I didn’t contact him he wasn’t contacting me. He would only contact me after I contacted him and sex was always brought up in conversation. I still contacted him though. I love him and did want to get back into a relationship with him. Because honestly, that is what a part of me thought he wanted. He always told me that he wants me to need him.

 

Not in a “bad” way I guess, but in a way of emotional reliance and guidance. I was also only the third woman he had ever been with so I don’t think he realized what that meant when he told me that. I relied on him way more than I should have. But the part that confused me was that I would have an issue and become emotional over it. I would then come to him with this issue in an attempt to help me find a solution. He would offer me a solution and typically the solution was him thinking of a way he could help me. Then when I would ask him for the help that he offered, he became offended that I was relying on him. I was flabbergasted. He was the one that had offered me the help and then he as using it against me when I asked for it.

 

We continued dating casually and having sex often for the next 3 months, during which time he told me he was dating no one else. He comes over, we have an amazing night full of intimacy and staring deep into each others eyes, the morning rolls around and we eiher have a great morning where he takes me out to breakfast, we chat for hours an then he leaves or sometimes we would have arguments about our relationship and how I was still putting pressure on him.

 

Last Monday, the 12th of March, rolls around and everything is going as it has been. He texts me Sunday asking me how Im doing and I text back something vague. I hadn’t talked to him in a few days and didn’t want to seem to eager. He texts me back something equally as vague and I do the same. Then radio silence on his side. I wasn’t going to text anything back if he wasn’t texting me. But looking back on it, he did initiate the conversation so I should have let me guard down and maybe even called him. I don’t hear from him all week. Friday rolls around and I text him to see how hes doing. He doesn’t respond.

 

Saturday rolls around and I text him again to see how hes doing and telling him I will be in the area that evening and am going to stop by to check on him. I hadn’t heard from him all week ad he would never go that long without responding to me. I text messaged him multiple times that night telling him I was going to stop by. When I arrived at midnight (on a Friday and I know they were up because the lights were on), his roommate answered the door. He didn’t want to let me to see him at first and said he couldn’t wake him up because he was upstairs drunk asleep. Which was weird because he told me he had quit drinking.

 

I told him it was important and he ended up letting me upstairs. When my ex saw me, he was ok with me being there and asked me to lay down and cuddle with him. I did. It felt wonderful. Then he started trying to have sex with me. Kissing me, rubbing me, etc. I explained that I didn’t want that under these circumstances, even though I desired him like crazy. He finally ended up going to sleep. I couldn’t sleep as I was again very emotional. I was torn. Why would he want to hold me, kiss, me, cuddle with me, even allow me to stay the night if he didn’t want anything more to do with our relationship. Whenever I would get emotional that night he would tell me that this is the reason that we split up. I put too much emotional pressure onto him.

 

Before he went to sleep, I watched him unlock his phone and found out that he hadn’t been honest with me about not dating anyone since our relationship. He had been out on multiple dates. I found woman whom he made plans with and then talked about how great the date was. He kept bringing up that I moved on so quickly after we broke up but I found out that he had someone’s number in his phone from a previous encounter before me that he called the day we broke up asking to get together because he was single. He dated multiple women during this time. He also started talking to a woman on Monday the 12th, the same day he stopped talking to me. When I saw that, I admit, I did something I regret. I blocked her number from his phone so that when she would try to contact him, it wouldn’t allow her to.

 

He did tell me about the date on Thursday though. He told me almost too much. That he had a wonderful time. But then almost as if to excuse his date, he told me that the only reason he went on the date was because I hadnt contacted him in 4 days. That I wasn’t trying. Can you see how confusing this is. BUT, I also found some other things on his phone. I found messages from him to his best friend where was was talking about marriage with me (his divorce had been finalized by then). How much he loved me and how he thinks he may have found the one.

 

I found messages to his brother saying how he wanted me to fight for him because I never acted like he was important during our relationship. And hes right, I didn’t, and I regret it. He also told me that he isn’t an easy man to deal with and that he can be stubborn even when he wants what’s being offered. Given all of those reasons is why I came over to his house that night. I wanted to fight for him. And when I saw those text messages, I was more sure of my decision to fight for him. I also found that he had deleted all of our photos and text messages. After I read them, I woke him up and confronted him about those things.

 

He told me that he hadn’t been on any dates and that he had no idea what I was talking about. He told me that he still had all of the photos and texts. I told him that I looked through his phone and he told me that there was no wayi could have looked through his phone because his Iphone was locked. I didn’t go any further with that and we let the argument die. But during the argument he kept bringing up all of these things that I had done to hurt him and how I wasn’t really looking to be with him.. He asked me why I wanted to be with him. He told me he didn’t believe I truly wanted to be with him. He kept hinting, again, that he wanted me to fight for him. After all of that was said. And I say said because we never yelled at each other.

 

We never yet at each other or disrespect each other. He asked me to lay next to him and go to sleep. I told him that I wasn’t comfortable with him holding me anymore or cuddling me like we used to because it confuses me. I specifically told him that whenever he kisses me. Whenever he caresses me or stares into my eyes, it makes me think he wants me to fight for him. I told him this directly and do you know what he did. He kissed me. Deep and passionately. Its almost like he was telling me to keep fighting for him. He told me that night that I needed to let him go. That he is more than likely taking a job in the Outer Banks and wont be in Charleston anymore.

 

I believe he is moving in July if his interview went well, which I think it did. He said that he just didn’t have the same feelings that he used to have for me anymore. There were times when I would get up to leave and he would gently grab me and tell me not to go.

SO at the end of it all, we ended up holding each other all night. We were both emotionally drained and we feel so good together. But, we never had sex. The next morning, he wakes up with what he thinks is food poisoning. I think he drunk himself sick the night before. Which isn’t like him.

 

I feel like he was trying to cover something up. He runs into the bathrooms and begin to throw up. I come in about 10 minutes later and hes laying on the floor. I ask him if he wants to come to bed. He says he feels better next to the toilet. So, what do I do? I grab our blanket and a pillow and lay down behind him, curling around him. I rubbed his head while he slept for about 30 minutes. Then I went out and got him some medicine and Gatorade. When I came back he laid down on his bed with his head in my lap, laying between my legs, wrapping his body around my leg.

 

I sat there and rubbed his head for about 3 hours while he slept. When he woke up I told him that I had to go soon. He asked me if I could stay and take a nap with him. (I hadn’t gone to sleep yet for more than maybe an hour). I told him that I was meting someone for breakfast, and I think he thought it was a guy that I was casually dating (which it was, but he was also dating someone).

 

He looking visibly hurt when I told him I had to go and he kept thanking me so much for taking care of him through his nausea. He went to the bathroom and told me he would be right back. While he was in the bathroom, I left. I didn’t want to deal with a goodbye. I knew how hard it was going to be on me and I didn’t want to go through that again.

I then called him a few hours later after I got done with work and asked him if I could come back over to cuddle and sleep. We always slept better when we slept together. We have a default position that our bodies go into when we lay next to each other and it puts us right out. He told me that he was going for is final interview in the Outer Banks in a few hours and was about to get up and get moving.

 

He also said that he didn’t want t to confuse me. He had told me this so many times in the past. That he didn’t want us being together or him holding my hand or introducing me as a girl he’s dating to confuse me and make me think that he wants more than casual (even though his actions proved to me time and time again that he was feeling the opposite) I told him ok and that I agree. He said that he thinks that we shouldn’t talk for a while. He specified and repeated that he didn’t want it to be forever, just for a while. I don’t know how long he thinks a while is though since he is moving to NC in 3 months. Now, to clarify, I am willing to have a long distance relationship with him as I do trust him when we are together. We hadn’t spoken since Saturday the 17th when he said we shouldn’t talk. I text messaged him today to wish him luck on a trip he is chaperoning with the school he works at to Tennessee.

 

I just said “Good Luck in Tennessee. He didn’t respond.

So after all of that, here’s my question:

Should I fight for him? I didn’t treat him as well as he treated me in the relationship. I felt like my freedom was kind of being taken away so I didn’t listen to his concerns as much as I should have. I will fight for him, because I feel like a part of him wants me to do that based on his actions and I’ve read it in texts to his brother.

 

Or should I leave him alone? Should I no longer bother him and move on with my life? Something in my gut is telling me not to. That this is the real thing. I know I hurt him and I will do what it takes up to a point to make things right.

I do want to be with him. This I am sure of. So any advice anyone had, I’m all ears.

Edited March 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragrpahs, please use them

[Young mind]

My two cents, it was great to see you let everything out but this is very classic manipulative behavior and clearly unhealthy in the long run. He may very well have what I describe as 'many is better than one' mindset.

He just wants you on a hook, part of the list he can be proud of.

 

He sees you want sex and you are dependent, and uses this to his advantage, also sees you love to play some immature games, example playing the jealousy card, going on other dates to make him jealous, calling another man whilst with him. You need to work on those issues esp insecurity because you may just apply them to the next person you meet

 

Clearly, you want a serious relationship which isn't coming, but you have to chose here, be with him and be casual or find someone else better suited for your needs.

[HumanMachine]

Paragraphs PLEASE!!!!

[charlestonchris]

My two cents, it was great to see you let everything out but this is very classic manipulative behavior and clearly unhealthy in the long run. He may very well have what I describe as 'many is better than one' mindset.

He just wants you on a hook, part of the list he can be proud of.

 

He sees you want sex and you are dependent, and uses this to his advantage, also sees you love to play some immature games, example playing the jealousy card, going on other dates to make him jealous, calling another man whilst with him. You need to work on those issues esp insecurity because you may just apply them to the next person you meet

 

Clearly, you want a serious relationship which isn't coming, but you have to chose here, be with him and be casual or find someone else better suited for your needs.

 

I agree that I need to stop playing those games and that those games are what may have broken us up initially. I do regret this. It just seems like he is a different person now. Like he is just trying to raise his number of partners and nothing else. But, that wasn't the man that I knew when we were together.

 

Maybe it was always about sex, though. Looking back on it, we didn't do anything together really. We would try to do things i.e.going to the fair, playing a game, etc but it always ended with us forgetting those things and having sex. Its just hard for me to accept that it was just sex for him. The way we felt when we were together. Not even sexually, just the way we became one person when we were lying next to each other.

 

I am yearning for it all the time. I cant stop myself from thinking about it. It's taking over my mind and causing me to lose focus on everything else in my life.

 

And I must admit, this is my first heartbreak, so maybe I just need to use this as a learning experience.

[charlestonchris]

DO you think it would have changed anything if i hadn't played those mind games with him? It became obvious that at the time I looked through his phone, he was only dating girls in order to have as much sex as possible. DO you think is motives would have changed if I hadn't been so vindictive?

[Young mind]

DO you think it would have changed anything if i hadn't played those mind games with him? It became obvious that at the time I looked through his phone, he was only dating girls in order to have as much sex as possible. DO you think is motives would have changed if I hadn't been so vindictive?

 

I don't believe you have to be so hard on yourself, this ismt an acute behavior, and it wouldn't really change the outcome if you looked or not.

 

It's rather important to analyze what exactly you need from him, is it just the sex?, companionship, if the sex and the cuddles were removed, is there anything else you could say will count?

 

Yes these games did affect your relationship, more so many other relationships, and this is a learning experience, it all depends on how you see it

[charlestonchris]

I don't believe you have to be so hard on yourself, this ismt an acute behavior, and it wouldn't really change the outcome if you looked or not.

 

It's rather important to analyze what exactly you need from him, is it just the sex?, companionship, if the sex and the cuddles were removed, is there anything else you could say will count?

 

Yes these games did affect your relationship, more so many other relationships, and this is a learning experience, it all depends on how you see it

 

Thanks for that observation. You're correct- it wouldn't have changed the outcome for the better if I hadn't been intrusive. If anything, looking through his phone afforded me the opportunity to step away more easily than if I had slept with him that night. During our conversation that night he asked me why I wanted to be with him. I froze and said nothing. I realized the only reasons were very superficial. But, i was very guarded during our entire relationship and I don't think I gave it a chance to work. I wasn't ready for a relationship. He gave all of himself to me when we were a couple. He was thinking about proposing to me, etc. I have had time to look back on the relationship and realize that I want to give all of myself and try again with my most earnest effort. This is where I am torn. Any advice or which route? Hybrid?